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This all made me realize I'm still on Version 5B58 from many, many months ago despite owning many Apple devices. How do I update mine?

I think I found how to force a firmware update for the Airpods:

1. With Airpods in case and the case charging, open lid and keep open.
2. Place iPhone, which I also had charging, near the open case with the airpods still in it.
3. Wait?
4. Magic
5. Airpods updated

Before this, I kept Airpods charging in the case overnight near my phone but I woke up without an update. I did the steps above this morning and it updated within 5 minutes.

I have Airpods Pro 2, so ymmv.
 
"My earphones need updating" is the strangest sentence.

No more strange than "my watch needs updating" . . . assuming you're living in the pre smart-watch/headphone era. Heck, even "my phone needs updating" would sound strange many years ago.
 
Apple Stores have had the ability to manually update AirPods firmware for a long time now. It just takes about 25 minutes to do. They have a special tool and use internal diagnostics to do this.
 
Apple is usually on point with usability and good workflow design. But the update process for AirPods has always been a huge disappointment. No release notes and no way to trigger it.
 
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Apple is usually on point with usability and good workflow design. But the update process for AirPods has always been a huge disappointment. No release notes and no way to trigger it.
Agreed. The whole place in case, charging, while the lid is open for an undetermined amount of time and it may update is sloppy UX to say the least. Why not just have the update get triggered when you first begin to use the AirPods, as long as they’ve got 80% charge, with a pop-up on your iPhone / iPad / Mac alerting you to the update - with a continue or delay to another time option.
 
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Forcing Airpods Firmware updates:

1. Connect the Airpods to an iOS-Device over Bluetooth and start hearing any content with your Airpods for min. 30 seconds.
2. Put them back in the case, close it and connect to power supply.
3. Leave the iOS-Device near the case and wait for the update.

Optional you can check the status of the Firmware Update-Process in realtime:
Settings -> Bluetooth -> My Devices: <Your Airpods Name> -> press on "i" -> About: Watch "Version"
 
I think Apple wants you to visit their Apple Retail Stores.
This is absolutely the reason.
I work for a school district and needed to get 2 current generation iMac screens repaired.
Apple forces you to go to a retail store to get this work done. This is the only company I've dealt with that does not have a mail-in option available for their product. (They do allow MacBooks to be mailed in but not iMacs)
I've mailed back servers for support services with less trouble.
The problem I have is the closest Apple Store is about 1 hours away so I have to make 2 trips there to drop off and pick up.
Don't even get me started on how the retail employees have no clue how to process a purchase order to pay for this service.
 
I went to my local Apple Store to perform the update since my AirPod Max headphones wouldn’t update the usual way (though my AirPod Pro 2s updated just fine). The store did not have the tool. I called several other nearby stores. None of them have the tool. Their option was to send the headphones out to the depot and have the update performed there and then returned to me. But I don’t want to be without my headphones for x number of days.

There’s got to be a better way to update the firmware. There’s definitely not a worse way than the current method.
 
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