Am i a bad person?

[Kwyjibo]

Well I've got a couple of solutions ....

1) Sleep with his wife, then everybodys on a level playing field ...

2) Talk to him about it, don't help him do it, cockblock if you have to for a bit, but you probably won't be friends for long if you do this one or the next one ...

3) get him caught some how. I don't endorse this at all, bro's before hoes ... but its an option.


I mean one time is something, people make mistakes, but the repeatdness of it ... is what makes it bad. I also think that you have no duty to tell his wife anything especially if she's not even your friend ( don't let this preclude #1 tho). IF she were your friend and asked you do you think he's fooling around on me, then you'd have to be honest.

This is probably horrible advice, I'd do nothing but not help him do it either, let him screw up his own life if he wants to just don't let him drag you in.

 

[mojohanna]

That is just wrong and it is not being a true friend. A true friend helps to guide through difficult situations. One does not encourage a friend to jump off a cliff or cheat on his wife. If so, that person is a big a piece of garbage as the person doing the cheating..... I have seen a number of marriages fall apart on way less, I cannot imagine even looking his wife in the eyes if I were you.....

 

[jsalzer]

From the Cheated Upon

Whelp - let me throw in the POV from one guy whose ex-hubby went through a pretty tough mid-life crisis and cheated on him with many, many other men.

Do I think you're a bad person? No. Not at all.

That said, I can tell you that I can forgive my ex for his behavior (he was in a pretty weird place), but I will NEVER forgive the joint friends who knew what was happening and let me go through all those nights in bed alone fearing that I was being cheated on. They made a rational decision, and it was the wrong one.

Luckily, you don't know the wife, so it's not quite the same thing. Your responsibility is to support your friend. But, I would definitely encourage him to at least fill his wife in on his extra-curriculars. If that's the way they've decided to live their lives, that's fine - it's not your morals at play. But if she's at home crying, knowing in her heart where he's *really* at at night, let me tell you - she's suffering pretty badly.

But, you use a Mac, so you can't be all that bad.

 

[2nyRiggz]

you suck.....you r a bad person.....u suck!

No seriouly....u r bad

bless

 

[Sun Baked]

you suck.....you r a bad person.....u suck!

No seriouly....u r bad

bless

Usually I'm the one answering questions like this with this answer.

But if you chase your drinking buddy away, how are you supposed to take your mind off of the slow/quick death of your liver.

 

[Counterfit]

If adultery was illegal (which it isn't in the U.S.), you would most likely be at least an accessory, possibly an accomplice to it.

 

[Abstract]

And if they have children, do you tell the wife then?

Do it now. You'll feel like a retard later.

And I don't believe you that you don't think you're a bad person. You went on an internet forum just to ask.

 

[crazycat]

Well I wanted to see if there were other people who were or are in the same place as I am. I don’t like people getting involved in my personal life I get pretty upset when people do and I tell them to stop it. I don’t want to get involved in my bests friends personal life, he is not a kid he knows what he is doing. I talked to him twice I think and I honestly think he got the message but why should my friendship suffer? I don’t agree with what he is doing, I don’t help him do it (some might have a different opinion and I respect and understand how you will get it) I know he will not stop even if I stop being his friend all that will happen is I will break up the marriage and I rather not.

I give advice to people who I think needs it but do not think me bugging him about it will make for a better argument infact it will make a worse on.

I have thought about it hard a long, I don’t condone cheating, and I hate it. I know that there are a few female posters here and believe me I don’t condone it, its the cowards way not mine. Yet I don’t see why I should get upset

 

[CorvusCamenarum]

If adultery was illegal (which it isn't in the U.S.), you would most likely be at least an accessory, possibly an accomplice to it.

Actually it is in some states, as well as in the military, although it's only a misdemeanor in most cases and rarely [civilly] enforced anymore. On a side note, if no-fault divorces weren't so easy to get then maybe people would think twice about getting married in the first place if they're going to keep screwing around.

To the OP: you're not his daddy. Pull him aside and have a chat with him. Past that, it's out of your hands.

 

[macartistkel]

I'm not one who promotes cheating, nor do I condone it. Your friend is what I call a piece of ****, and if he were my brother in law, I'd take him out, get him drunk, and then crush his legs with a sledge hammer. Then I'd probably hid ehis corpse in a hollowed out tree.

Oh thank you...that was very well said!! LMAO!! I think your friend is a piece of **** and if he can betray his loyalty to his own wife, then he will betray YOU someday. Liars are all the same and they never stop doing it. And I have no respect for people that lie to their significant others. This dude has NO BALLS to kick because he cannot even tell his wife the truth. WTF gives him the right to mess with someone else's life. What a dumb ass loser!

 

[crazycat]

To the OP: you're not his daddy. Pull him aside and have a chat with him. Past that, it's out of your hands.

Thats what i thought, i spoken to him twice.

 

[SilentPanda]

Are you "bad" person... probably not. Should you feel guitly? Probably somewhat.

As stated above, adultry is not a "crime" in the U.S. but is a fairly easy grounds for divorce. If your friend and you went out every night and he stole a candy bar, kicked a dog, or egged a house (which I believe are all crimes of sorts) you would probably want to talk to him and if he didn't stop I'd guess you'd quit hanging out with him.

Just because adultry isn't a "crime" doesn't make it any less wrong.

Your course of action? Not sure... I personally would cease hanging out with him and see if he prefers adultry over your friendship. There are times when a friend sticks behind another friends wrongs but there are also times when you need to take him aside and tell him you have a problem with his actions.

 

[NewbieNerd]

First, there are no "bad" people. People weren't created evil and cannot change the definition of their existence, only the fruit of their existence. Nothing you or your buddy or Hitler could ever do would make you/him a ``bad'' person. Only actions are "bad." Why? Because there is something called forgiveness and repentance, i.e. turning away from an evil act.

You are right in realizing that what your buddy is doing is wrong. Marriage is supposed to be a union that is unbreakable, yet we are all sooo comfortable with them being broken until it hits too close to home. Suure, it's his and his wife's problem, not yours, so why should you care? People, we HAVE to start caring for other people more than just how it affects us!! We weren't created to be self serving...we were created to love. Love doesn't mean having sex or being happy. Love doesn't mean doing what is fair. Love means compassion and desire for truth. Love means forgiveness. So what if you've never met his wife? Does that mean she doesn't desire to know the truth so that this bubble of lies can be burst and the pieces can be picked back up? Does it mean that your buddy, because he's having a good time now, doesn't deserve to be treated with a loving kindness that understands things have to get worse before they get better? The sooner the truth is out in the open, the sooner this man has a chance at repentance and a lasting marriage. The longer this goes on, the harder it is going to be to mend things and salvage a marriage. Which is better, him having some good time on the side, or being able to learn what love is and be able to keep his wife and family for the rest of his life?

It isn't your responsibility to fix your buddy's life, but it is your responsibility to love him and to do what is right. Whether your friendship gets hurt or not is nothing compared to what will happen to that woman sitting at home being betrayed by a man she loves who does not know how to love.

 

[CanadaRAM]

I don’t want to get involved in my bests friends personal life,

You already are

I talked to him twice I think and I honestly think he got the message but why should my friendship suffer?

Because it's a choice between preserving your friendship with a lying, cheating person, and maintaining personal integrity. Being a good person costs something. It's not a free ride.

I don’t agree with what he is doing, I don’t help him do it (some might have a different opinion and I respect and understand how you will get it)

Yes you do, just like the gang of guys who stands around watching while their mate kicks the snot out of some poor punter for laughs. Then goes out for another pint with the winner.

I don’t condone cheating, and I hate it. I know that there are a few female posters here and believe me I don’t condone it, its the cowards way not mine. Yet I don’t see why I should get upset

Perhaps you don't see anything wrong with your behaviour (and that your actions are diametrically opposed to your professed beliefs about yourself) may be because of:

1) Social immaturity or reliance on others opinions for self-worth or self identity
2) Fear of the consequences or of the friend himself
3) An unhealthy reliance on the friends approval/friendship
4) Some degree of social apathy or blindness, or even latent antisocial tendencies that rates one's personal gratification higher than concern for other's feelings (or even recognition that others have feelings).
5) Something else entirely, because I am completely unqualified, unfamiliar with the situation other than as described here, and therefore it's unfair for me to pass any judgements on others. In which case ignore what I say.

But you know the real answer better than any of us. If you want to know more, see a professional who can help you understand why you are questioning this, and why the conflict between your self-image and your actions (or lack thereof) are giving you worries.

 

[jywv8]

Suppose you were in the same position as your friend's wife, and you eventually found out what was going on. How would you feel about the person who is doing what you are currently doing?

If were were your friend's wife, I wouldn't blame you for his behavior, but I wouldn't exactly think you were a great guy, since you know your friend is married. I think the fact that you have never met his wife makes your lack of concern more understandable. And it is certainly not your place to say anything to his wife.

Still... It's one thing to know your friend is cheating on their wife and stand mute. It's another thing be going out with the person, picking up chicks. I would feel bad about it.

 

[~Shard~]

Nothing you or your buddy or Hitler could ever do would make you/him a ``bad'' person.

Great, thanks for invoking Godwin's Law, this thread has officially reached its end as a result.

(And excellent post, CanadaRAM)

 

[NewbieNerd]

Great, thanks for invoking Godwin's Law, this thread has officially reached its end as a result.

lol, I just Wiki-ed Godwin's Law. How proud I am to uphold such a rule (not).

 

[Lacero]

Since your invocation wasn't deliberate, consider my post to be the last post of this thread before this thread fades away into obscurity.

Anybody posting after me, I'll cut off your balls!

Here's to the Crazy Ones ​

 

[NewbieNerd]

Unless of course this is the moment at which I begin the movement to have Lacero's title switched to "macrumors princess." I think it could be fitting...

 

[floriflee]

Maybe the next time you guys are in the bar, and he starts hitting on some woman you should ask him how his wife is doing...

Seriously, I don't understand how he can be such a good friend and you've never met his wife. Weren't you invited to the wedding?? Didn't he want you to meet her so he could ask your opinion when he was considering proposing?? Something??? If not, seems to me he's hiding important things from you, too. I can't imagine that the reasons for your not knowing her would be distance-related since you obviously live close enough to go to bars together, or am I missing something?

From my point of view he seems pretty clever to keep you and his wife separated. That way it's so much easier for you to be loyal to him since you have no physical, emotional, or personal attachment (or perhaps experience would be a better word) with her. Bravo to him!

 

[~Shard~]

Since your invocation wasn't deliberate, consider my post to be the last post of this thread before this thread fades away into obscurity.

Ah, an interesting variation on the rule...

Lacero, the next time I'm out west visiting my brother I'll watch out for that...

 

[Coheebuzz]

crazycat, does your friend see your relationship with you the same way as you do? You say that he is your best friend but to tell you the truth i think he is just using you. Really, am 25 and the term 'best friends' excists only in my childhood years! Only the fact the you haven't met his wife states that he doesn't want you in his life and he may just see you as a 'drinking-buddy'.

So my opinion would be to get things straight with him first and leave the wife to him. Thats HIS problem not yours!!! And thats what i would tell the wife if i was in your position and something happened. I mean is he really worth the trouble? Find that out first!

 

[greatdevourer]

Yes, but it depends whether your conscience is strong enough to kill your friendship with the guy. Or, tell his wife, then be there to "comfort her"

 

[kjr39]

He's farking up his life and you're helping...

Just don't bitch when he's sleeping on your couch.

 

[~Shard~]

He's farking up his life and you're helping...

Just don't bitch when he's sleeping on your couch.

That's a good way to put it. He knows his best friend is doing something wrong/immoral yet he's doing nothing about it. A very wise man once said, "Silence gives consent". Ergo, he condone his best friend's behavior.

Some people have a good sense of integrity and place a high priority on doing the right thing, and others are too cowardly to do anything about it because it's the easy way out. It's obvious what the situation is here.