Hey guys, I am not usually one to make a thread like this but I dont know where to turn. I will start with what I believe is the source of my problem. I met a girl(i know it sounds cliché but I have never felt so much pain in my life) about 12 months ago. We became best friends. We flirted front and back and we have faced A LOT of drama but as things turn out we didnt end up together. I am in love with her and I am an amateur in this area cuz I am only 18 years old. Its been 12 months of constant pain, struggle, uncertainty and sleepless nights. I have tried many things including telling her I wanted nothing to do with her and that only lasted 3 weeks which consisted of awkward stares between us. In the end she got me back becuase like most males do when they are faced with the one they love, I melt. I am "friends" with her again. I am filling myself with false hope because I know we will never end up together and before anyone tells me NOT TO GIVE UP, I have been through great lenghts to try and be with her. It has only ended with us being together for a few days and her confusing the hell outta me with mixed signals. I am writing this thread because of something that happened monday night. We graduated high school and it being the joyeous event that it was the entire grade went clubbing. There has been this other guy eyeing her as well apart from me. And I am not going to lie he is a nice guy, he is a great guy and it makes me feel terrible that I cant be mad at him. She got a little drunk and started getting close to him. He asked her out and she rejected him but they still remain very close. This has me on the edge. I leave for a short trip to NYC 2moro and I fear the worst for the time that I will leave madrid. I was an optimist before all of this. I am aware that I sounds like I am simply whining and not taking any action but I have poured blood and swet in trying to make it work. I have never wanted anything more in my life and I failed. I failed. The one thing that I wanted the most in my life and I was too incompetent to make it work. All these mixed feelings have made other problems in me come to the surface. I am very average, not very good looking, I dont have the best grades and I cant think of 1 thing I excell in. I feel like my short 18 year old life is spiraling downards into mediocrity and I am terrified. I cant sleep, I stay awake until 6 am just immeresed in my ipod, I cry and all I really wanted I think, patheticlaly enough is attention, attention from her, anttention from anyone. My days are filled with nothing but routine activites like web surfing, and play basketball and they have lost ALL MEANING. I fear for myself, I fear for my feautre and I feer how long I can hold on. Here I am at 2:33 AM writing this thread because I am lost, I have no one to talk to and all I can do is drown myself in my own thoughts which all they are doing is confusing me and making me feel worse. I feel pathetic and I feel like I have lost my manhood. I am pining over a girl FOR CHRIST SAKE. I dont feel adequate. I cant even call myself a man, I feel weak. I just want this all to end I want to seek therapy but I am embaressed to tell my mother, she has no idea about any of this, I dont want to be judged, this is why I choose the WWW because here I am faceless. I dont know how to ask for help or if she can even afford to send me. It has always been important for me to be storng, be in control and now I cant get anythign right, not even this post. The writing cant even describe how I truely feel. I am just lost and dont know what to do. I am ultimately scared of loosing control of my own life. EDIT: She knows more or less how I feel(maybe not this this extent) but all she can tink of is that whenever I try and loose contact she thinks I am selfish and want to leave her. She has half the guys in the school chasing her yet I am the selfish one for wanting to stop. She also has a few psycological problems, being someone who went through anorexia in the past. She is on anti-depressents. EDIT2: Another thing that makes me angry as selfish as it sounds is I wasted 12 months on trying to make this work. I feel tired and dishearted and I cant get those 12 months back.