Another Pathetic Cry For Help

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by 7254278, May 28, 2007.

  1. 7254278 macrumors 68020

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Location:
    NYC
    #1
    Hey guys,
    I am not usually one to make a thread like this but I dont know where to turn. I will start with what I believe is the source of my problem. I met a girl(i know it sounds cliché but I have never felt so much pain in my life) about 12 months ago. We became best friends. We flirted front and back and we have faced A LOT of drama but as things turn out we didnt end up together. I am in love with her and I am an amateur in this area cuz I am only 18 years old. Its been 12 months of constant pain, struggle, uncertainty and sleepless nights. I have tried many things including telling her I wanted nothing to do with her and that only lasted 3 weeks which consisted of awkward stares between us. In the end she got me back becuase like most males do when they are faced with the one they love, I melt. I am "friends" with her again.

    I am filling myself with false hope because I know we will never end up together and before anyone tells me NOT TO GIVE UP, I have been through great lenghts to try and be with her. It has only ended with us being together for a few days and her confusing the hell outta me with mixed signals.
    I am writing this thread because of something that happened monday night. We graduated high school and it being the joyeous event that it was the entire grade went clubbing. There has been this other guy eyeing her as well apart from me. And I am not going to lie he is a nice guy, he is a great guy and it makes me feel terrible that I cant be mad at him. She got a little drunk and started getting close to him. He asked her out and she rejected him but they still remain very close. This has me on the edge.

    I leave for a short trip to NYC 2moro and I fear the worst for the time that I will leave madrid. I was an optimist before all of this. I am aware that I sounds like I am simply whining and not taking any action but I have poured blood and swet in trying to make it work. I have never wanted anything more in my life and I failed. I failed. The one thing that I wanted the most in my life and I was too incompetent to make it work.

    All these mixed feelings have made other problems in me come to the surface. I am very average, not very good looking, I dont have the best grades and I cant think of 1 thing I excell in. I feel like my short 18 year old life is spiraling downards into mediocrity and I am terrified. I cant sleep, I stay awake until 6 am just immeresed in my ipod, I cry and all I really wanted I think, patheticlaly enough is attention, attention from her, anttention from anyone. My days are filled with nothing but routine activites like web surfing, and play basketball and they have lost ALL MEANING.

    I fear for myself, I fear for my feautre and I feer how long I can hold on. Here I am at 2:33 AM writing this thread because I am lost, I have no one to talk to and all I can do is drown myself in my own thoughts which all they are doing is confusing me and making me feel worse. I feel pathetic and I feel like I have lost my manhood. I am pining over a girl FOR CHRIST SAKE. I dont feel adequate. I cant even call myself a man, I feel weak. I just want this all to end

    I want to seek therapy but I am embaressed to tell my mother, she has no idea about any of this, I dont want to be judged, this is why I choose the WWW because here I am faceless. I dont know how to ask for help or if she can even afford to send me.

    It has always been important for me to be storng, be in control and now I cant get anythign right, not even this post. The writing cant even describe how I truely feel. I am just lost and dont know what to do. I am ultimately scared of loosing control of my own life.

    EDIT: She knows more or less how I feel(maybe not this this extent) but all she can tink of is that whenever I try and loose contact she thinks I am selfish and want to leave her. She has half the guys in the school chasing her yet I am the selfish one for wanting to stop. She also has a few psycological problems, being someone who went through anorexia in the past. She is on anti-depressents.

    EDIT2: Another thing that makes me angry as selfish as it sounds is I wasted 12 months on trying to make this work. I feel tired and dishearted and I cant get those 12 months back.
     
  2. mkrishnan Moderator emeritus

    mkrishnan

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2004
    Location:
    Grand Rapids, MI, USA
    #2
    I wanted to think some about what you wrote, before I responded in more detail, but I wanted you to know I read it and you're in my thoughts, my friend.

    For now I just want to say you're not alone, you know we're always here for you, and nothing you're experiencing is a strike against your manhood.
     
  3. Kamera RAWr macrumors 65816

    Kamera RAWr

    Joined:
    May 15, 2007
    Location:
    I'm where I need to be
    #3
    I can feel your pain and you ought to know, you're also in my thoughts. :)
     
  4. xsedrinam macrumors 601

    xsedrinam

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2004
    #4
    Patmian212, a trip away and a couple, three days in NYC area and a change of environment will help you put things in perspective. I won't even hint at minimizing your pain at the present. We've all been there at one time or another, but the one certainty of going through dissillusionment is that, at the end of the day, you'll recognize yourself as being the winner because the only thing lost is your illusion.

    Hope you can get some sleep and have a good time, away from it all.
     
  5. Legolamb macrumors 6502a

    Legolamb

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2006
    Location:
    North of where I'd like to be
    #5
    Ouch. So much pain.

    Taking risks in love is probably one of the hardest things we do as humans. Just because you tried hard and didn't win this love does not mean you are a loser in love or life. Your passion will serve you well in future love when you finally meet someone who relishes you for who you are, not for who you think you ought to be, and is ready to be in a relationship. The only way to protect yourself is to not care or be passionate about people or things. But that's not the way you really want to spend your life, is it?

    Talking to friends, even virtual ones like us, is good. You should definitely speak to a pro to help you untangle the web of emotions you are feeling now. Your mother won't judge. If she does, she is expressing her own insecurities about not being a good enough mum to have protected you from this pain (as if she could). In fact, anyone who judges you is speaking more about their own insecurities than any of your imagined failings.

    Wish I could buy you a (legit) drink or two. And FWIW, I imagine most of us on MR have gone through/will go through similar bouts of insecurity and dispair. No links, but you know who you/we are ;)
     
  6. shecky Guest

    shecky

    Joined:
    May 24, 2003
    Location:
    Obviously you're not a golfer.
    #6
    this thread is going to generate a lot of "we are with yous" and "you are in my thoughts" and "it will all be OK laters" but let me tell you something, and i speak from experience. your biggest problem is that this:

    is what you think of yourself. a lack of self confidence is, by many orders of magnitude, the least attractive thing possible to a member of the opposite sex. you had better change your self image or no advice given on this thread is worth a crap.
     
  7. 7254278 thread starter macrumors 68020

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Location:
    NYC
    #7
    I understand what you are saying but that isnt my self image AT ALLLLLLLLLL. I am usually very confident on the outside, I act like I am the sh*t(well I dont over do it, im not an a$$) but the fact that nothing has really worked out for me has made me want to evaluate my life. As it stands that is what I really am, doesnt mean that I show it. I am actually a pretty popular dude in my circle of friends, and no one really thinks I have low self esteem, some might have picked up on it but its not something that is widely known.
     
  8. ChePibe macrumors member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    #8
    Time to move on.

    Wow. You actually admit it.

    Good job. Seriously - I'm not being sarcastic in the least. This is good. You're 18. You're young. But you're mature enough to admit that you're inexperienced. This will serve you well.

    Been there, done that. In the end it failed.

    Jealousy's natural, but you're a gentleman. Not bad at all.

    You just graduated from high school (congrats!), so let me teach you about something you will learn in your college business or econ classes: Sunk Cost.

    The past is the past. Nothing you do will change it, and nothing you do now will affect how much work you did in the past. That said, the effort you put into something in the past should not affect your present situation. The question you ought to ask yourself now is this - what will my efforts beginning right now gain me? More problems? More grief? Will the effort I put into going out with this girl really be worth it in the long run?

    I hate to judge people based strictly off of what they post on the internet, but I'm going to have to guess "no" on this one. Forget the past - you can't change it, and it's not having the desired outcome. Move on.

    Get used to your life goals changing as you expand your horizon. I was in a situation not too dissimilar from yours about 4 years ago - a girl I liked and had dated quite steadily suddenly flaked out, freaked out, and things went downhill. I did the stupid thing - I clung on to her like mad until one day she offended me worse than anyone ever has (long story), and ended it. In the end, I hurt only myself, didn't get the girl, and wasted several other opportunities to be happy - including getting to know better the woman who would become my wife less than a year later. That said, I also had a cathartic, carefree moment right after that. Freeing myself up from a horrible relationship, removing my tunnel vision on just one girl (and a stupid one at that) opened me up to many better possibilities and, like I said, I found the right one shortly thereafter.

    Also, get used to failure. A good chunk of your future academic, professional, and social future will be determined by how well you deal with failure. It hurts, but use it to take an objective look at yourself - a skill you clearly have in other areas and I'm sure could develop well in this one.

    Yup. You're probably right. It's a shocker, but most people are average. Don't worry too much about it.

    You got screwed by the girl you liked (well, screwed in the bad sense here). This reaction is normal. It will pass eventually, and much sooner if you let her be.

    You're pining over a high school girl. Odds are you're going to college and, if that's the case, lemme tell ya' - there are more where that girl came from. A lot more, and a lot of higher quality ones.

    You posted this at 2:30 your time. Sounds like you need to sleep on it. Sleeping on a decision is quite possibly one of the most important life skills you can ever learn - you'd be surprised what a good night's rest will do to clear your thinking. And for your sake avoid all alcohol, drugs, stimulants, etc. Just keep a clear head.

    Can't help you here. Just be careful of using therapy as a crutch for clear thinking. It's over with this girl - the sooner you come to grips with that the better.

    The only way for you to be strong at this point is to assert your self, ditch the past, and ditch the girl. Only you can give your power away, and you continue to do that in this situation by letting this girl have sway over you. Well, relationships are a two way street - one person can't have all of the devotion, all of the caring, or all of the loyalty. If your feelings aren't returned by her, then it's over. Ditch her.

    You should want to leave her. She isn't reliable. Maybe this will be a wake up call for her in future relationships - when you treat people like dirt, you get it in return.

    Be selfish. It's not like you're married to her, and she certainly hasn't displayed the level of interest you have in this relationship. If she threatens to hurt herself - or actually harms herself - don't give in. What she does to her body is her choice, and if she chooses to react like a child to this situation than she can do that - but don't let her sway you with that.

    I don't want to seem too harsh, too mean, or too overbearing. I'm not an old man myself - only 25. But I wish someone would have had this talk with me - and smacked me in the face good and hard - a while ago when I faced similar problems. But face it - it's over. What's done is done, and you can't change the past or her. Move on. If she gets pissed, she gets pissed. If she threatens to hurt herself, then let her hurt herself - it's not your fault. If she makes major changes in her life and shows that she will put into the relationship what you do and be mature about it, then maybe get back into it very, very slowly, but I wouldn't even do that if I were you. Ditch her and move on.

    You sound like a mature kid with a good head on his shoulders. You'll do fine out there. Don't let this baggage drag you down.
     
  9. ChePibe macrumors member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    #9
    I just went over this in my last post but it bears repeating: nothing you can do will ever, ever get you those 12 months back. The only thing you can do now is make sure you don't waste another second on a lost cause.
     
  10. nickster9224 macrumors 6502a

    nickster9224

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2006
    Location:
    35 Miles From Chicago, Illinois
    #10
    i went through the same thing for about 3 months earlier this year, i just kept getting lead on&on, i felt like it was a waste of time, i mean she could of told me after awhile instead of leading me on, but she was mad at me b/c i told her to forget about it if she was gonna be like that. but w/e girls especialy hs ones are complicated.
     
  11. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2002
    Location:
    Location Location Location
    #11
    I'm not going to complicate things by adding a complicated analysis on what is going on. I'll only reply with this:

    If she wanted to date you, she would have done it by now. Forget it, and go after another girl.
     
  12. SMM macrumors 65816

    SMM

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2006
    Location:
    Tiger Mountain - WA State
    #12
    I feel your pain too. I doubt if too many people have escaped the pain of not getting what they cannot (seemingly) live without. For me, it was Rhoda E. I was so in love with that woman, I could not sleep at night. The thought of her with another drove me insane. We spent time together, and she was aware of how I felt. It could not have been more obvious. Finally, for my own sanity, gave her the ultimatum, "I am moving on, I am tired of this .." She said, "Move on!" Which is exactly what I did. it was painful, until Ann A.

    There are a couple quotes I always like to remember in situations like this.

    "I spent my life looking for the perfect woman, and one day I found her. The only problem was, she was looking for the perfect man".

    "If a lady undervalue me, what care I how fair she be"
     
  13. mcarnes macrumors 68000

    mcarnes

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    Mar 14, 2004
    Location:
    USA! USA!
    #13
    Dump and flush, my friend. There is plenty more corn in the field.
     
  14. swingerofbirch macrumors 68030

    Joined:
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    Location:
    The Amalgamated States of Central North America
    #14
    Rent the movie SWINGERS. I promise it'll help!
     
  15. 2nyRiggz macrumors 603

    2nyRiggz

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2005
    Location:
    Thank you Jah...I'm so Blessed
    #15
    That trip to NYC will do you good....enjoy it. Clear your mind and inhale the smoke filled new york air...don't take your stress with you the airline will charge you more for the extra weight...be free and enjoy yourself.




    Bless
     
  16. Queso macrumors G4

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2006
    #16
    Ay amigo. Lo siento :(

    All of your worries are typical of someone in the late teens/early 20s faced with uncertainty. Your future isn't going to be filled with mediocrity, you simply haven't found the one thing you have a passion about yet. And as for this girl? She is your first love and you will never forget her, but if it isn't meant to be you cannot force it. Enjoy the trip in Nueva York and make sure you fill it with as many distractions and experiences as you can. When you return she will either be there for you or would have moved on, but don't waste your time dwelling on possibilities in the meantime.

    Chin up as we say in England. You will get through this and be wiser for it.
     
  17. MacsRgr8 macrumors 604

    MacsRgr8

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2002
    Location:
    The Netherlands
    #17
    This must be the correct answer.

    I had a similar experience not so long ago with this lovely colleague of mine (and TBO, I am not over it yet, either... :( )
    She's a very pretty girl, and ever since I started working there (beginning of this year) and saw here, i *knew* I was in love. We seem to bump into eachother quite alot, and we both seemed to enjoy that. Lots of small talk, et all.
    One Friday I was at a client, and without getting into details some very friendly emails were exchanged between us.... As the weekend came up I thought WTH, and asked here if she wanted to come to my place for some food & drinks (and more if I really were lucky).. and she said YES!! But she couldn't come that weekend but the Tuesday following. No problem!
    As you can assume I was over the moon, and all weekend I thought about here. Sometimes she would emerge on iChat, and the eh... fun... chats continued. Oh joy! I really was in love! I know that she being a colleague would complicate matters, but WTH...

    But then.. Monday... out of the blue.. came a very cold email: She didn't want to come anymore, and asked if we could forget all about it. :( :(
    I replied WTF??
    She simply told me that it didn't feel good, troubles, bla bla...
    I asked her if she really didn't feel anything anymore... no reply.
    I asked her if she meant nothing of those nice emails and chats.... nothing...?
    She simply ignores me now.

    I think she enjoyed the "tension" of sexy flirting at work orso. Man, I am so upset. I probably wrongly assumed she actually felt something for me. It was only a couple of days flirting, so yeah... she never promised anything orso... but...
    She broke my heart though. She must have known how I feel about here.

    So, back to the answer I quoted.
    Forget it. There are many more around, and occasionally you'll get hurt.
    But once.... you'll get the lovely lady you deserve, Patmian212.

    EDIT: ha.. speak of the Devil.. just had an unpleasant chat with her (that colleague of mine).... And she acknowledged it was all just fun & games, and wanted to stop anything before it started. Didn't think those emails and chats were provocative or anything..... also couldn't remember actually promising coming over to my place.
    :(
    Yeah right.
    Women...
     
  18. Dandaman macrumors 6502

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    Jan 31, 2004
    Location:
    soCal
    #18
    I was thinking the exact same thing.

    daniel
     
  19. geese macrumors 6502a

    geese

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2003
    Location:
    London, UK
    #19
    If it makes you feel any better, i went out with a girl i didnt really like that much for 4 years. 4 years i'll never get back. 12 months isnt bad! Move on. Put it down to experience.
     
  20. Dynamyk macrumors 6502a

    Dynamyk

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2005
    Location:
    Toronto
    #20
    Doesn't matter how much you love her, you can't force someone to love you. If you do its going to end even worse than it is. Move on, it will be for the better
     
  21. Cromulent macrumors 603

    Cromulent

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2006
    Location:
    The Land of Hope and Glory
    #21
    Yep, I know that feeling well.

    This was your big mistake. You can not be friends with someone you love who does not reciprocate the feelings.

    Your best bet is to cut all contact for a couple of months until you have got her out of your system and then go back and see if you can be friends. If you can't and still feel that you are in love with her. Move on and try to meet other girls.

    Sorry to be harsh, but if she loved you or returned the feelings you would be together now.

    It is not about being incompetent. You simply fell in love with someone who does not love you in the same way.

    You can not force it to work. Do not take this the wrong way because I do not mean it in a cruel way, but the way you come across is needy. You need this girl. Being needy is not a particularly attractive feature.

    Absolute rubbish. Get off your back side and make something of your life if you feel that you are not achieving what you want to achieve.

    Pull yourself together then. Make sure that you do something with your life. Stop wallowing in self pity and use this fear as the kick up the backside you need to make sure that you do something that YOU want to do. Don't do it for her, your parents or your friends. Do it for YOURSELF.

    Strength is something that comes from within. It is at times like this that you realise just how strong you are as a person. I'm not a big fan of therapy as I believe that any problem you have can be sorted out yourself (from past experience) but if that is the route you want to take, then go for it. If helps why not?

    Will you work yourself out of this and be a strong person? Or will you continue to wallow in self pity?

    I know this post sounds excessively harsh and I am sorry about that. But I think times like this call for some home truths. I don't think pity is what you need at the moment.

    I am sure others will disagree but there you go.
     
  22. MacsRgr8 macrumors 604

    MacsRgr8

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2002
    Location:
    The Netherlands
    #22
    Try to look at the situation like this:

    She's is giving you great pain but she can't help it.
    She simply cannot love you, and therefore will continue to give you this pain untill you decide to let go.
    Maybe think of it as unfair that she is giving you this pain, and you should decide that she isn't worth that...

    Ignore her, shrug it off, have a couple of beers and go to the next bar...
     
  23. 7254278 thread starter macrumors 68020

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Location:
    NYC
    #23
    I dont want anyones pitty, I am just asking for advice cromulent

    And I know I sound needy but to make it clear in case it wasnt in the first post, I am not stalking her or chasing her, I want to leave but its hard for me because I love this girl and every chance I try and just forget about it she does something to make me feel guilty and reels me back in. I also dont wanna leave all of this behind being on bad terms with her, I just wish she understood.
     
  24. Wild-Bill macrumors 68030

    Wild-Bill

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2007
    Location:
    bleep
    #24
    Bottom line: men and women think differently. They (women) don't think the way we do. Rational vs. irrational. I know this will be near impossible for you to understand right now because you are "at the bottom of the well", but the funny cliche' "time heals all wounds" is absolutely correct. I've been there, and it sucks. Only time is going to make it better. Forget about alcohol or drugs too. They are just masks.

    Hang tough.
     
  25. Cromulent macrumors 603

    Cromulent

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2006
    Location:
    The Land of Hope and Glory
    #25
    Walk away. Leave it. Do not worry about bad terms or whatever just do not hang around, trying to make it better is most likely just going to make it worse.

    Block her phone number or something. You need to think of yourself here. It is obviously causing you some pretty big emotional problems. Be selfish, in certain instances (and this is one of them) it is perfectly acceptable you need to get yourself sorted so do what will make you feel better and forget about her. Do not worry about what she is doing / saying or thinking.
     

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