Anyone have advice on thinking about marriage?

[StephenCampbell]

Some of you may recall my thread where I talked about how I broke up with my girlfriend because even though everything about the relationship was perfect, I just felt like she wasn't the one for me.

We were apart for a couple months and each had a short relationship with another person during that time, and then we got back into communication and are semi-dating now again. We love each other and have an amazing time together.

I'm really trying to figure this whole thing out and trying to figure out what I'm actually feeling, what I actually want, and what's the best thing for me. One thought that I had about what previously led me to end it was this:

We met, we fell in love, and everything went so quickly and so smoothly, that in just a matter of months we came to the point where we Felt like a married couple.. meaning that we sometimes got annoyed with each other, sometimes felt like there wasn't enough of a spark, etc. But perhaps my mistake was in thinking that that's somehow proof that she's not the one for me. Perhaps we were just already at that point where things were so stabilized that it wasn't going to be like the fiery beginning of a relationship every second.

That's one thought I have. Any comments on that?

When I think about going forward from here, I use my past several years of experience looking for girlfriends, and I project the likely outcome that if I don't end up with her, I'll wish I did and eventually settle for someone less suited for me. I'm a unique person and I have a variety of particular views and opinions which are extremely hard to find matched in a partner, and yet she is completely compatible with me on all counts. Because of this I feel like no matter how hard I searched around for somebody else, I'd always be coming back to her saying "they're just not like you.. they don't get it… they don't see things the way we do."

One thought I have about that is that that is likely true and that I would be stupid to let her go when she's clearly the one for me.

The other thought I have about that is that perhaps that's only the way I feel right now because I love her. I have enough experience to know that when you're in love with someone you feel like you will never share that kind of connection with somebody else. And yet, it is also true that I have never met another girl in my life with whom I was so compatible, from an objective standpoint.

I guess overall I'm trying to figure out what it takes to develop a confidence about marriage. It's not in my temperament to reach a "this is definitely it, I know 100%" kind of place on an issue like this. I don't expect to ever feel that way with anybody that I'm with (there's always going to be a leap of faith involved in committing to marry), unless I met some magical girl like in a movie, who was 'looking for me' for years, and we'd just know instantly that we found each other. I admit that somehow hollywood has slightly bugged my brain with this type of fantasy. But that fantasy aside, how do you know that you've found the one?

 

[Apple fanboy]

You know you have found the one because you feel 100% committed to them. If you still have doubts then perhaps this relationship is not quite right somehow?

When I met my wife, I knew she was the one for me early on. We got in gaged after 2 months and have been married 15 years now.

Like all relationships there are good times and bad, but the one constant is the way I feel about her. Everyday I tell her that I love her because I still do.

What's the rush to get married anyhow? You broke up a while ago. Why not just see where it goes for the next few months?

 

[StephenCampbell]

Well, she's afraid that I'll never be able to really commit, so that's why I'm thinking about it so much.

One thing that I feel like I need in order to help me figure it out is to be able to go on platonic dates with other women just to see who else is out there and get a better idea of how rare or not rare my connection with this girl is.

Currently we're officially "dating," i.e. not in a committed relationship, so we are free to explore other people as such… so maybe some of that will help me get clearer.

But are you supposed to know when you've found your wife without having to know who else is out there?

 

[And]

Don't ask me! I've been engaged for 5 years! My opinion is I am happy right now and I don't want to rock the boat. I'm still expecting to be married at some point in the next 5-10 years, what's the rush?

 

[Apple fanboy]

Well, she's afraid that I'll never be able to really commit, so that's why I'm thinking about it so much.

One thing that I feel like I need in order to help me figure it out is to be able to go on platonic dates with other women just to see who else is out there and get a better idea of how rare or not rare my connection with this girl is.

Currently we're officially "dating," i.e. not in a committed relationship, so we are free to explore other people as such… so maybe some of that will help me get clearer.

But are you supposed to know when you've found your wife without having to know who else is out there?

The whole dating not in a committed relationship is totally foreign to me. I think it's an American idea. If your thinking of let's see what is out there, then you heart does not belong to this one. Marriage would not be a good move.

 

[StephenCampbell]

The whole dating not in a committed relationship is totally foreign to me. I think it's an American idea. If your thinking of let's see what is out there, then you heart does not belong to this one. Marriage would not be a good move.

But I have a very unique mind and way of thinking about these things, which is why I keep doubting myself. I think that any other person in the same situation with the same feelings I'm having would say "this is it, this is the one."

I have so many questions about myself that I can't answer…. it's very frustrating.

 

[calderone]

My suggestion, find something else to do. Quite often the problem is that you aren't fulfilled as an individual which projects onto the relationship.

Your observation is quite astute, many people would think "this is it," those people are fulfilled be it because they are easily fulfilled (simple folk) or they spent the time to figure the other stuff out (or they find someone that really challenges them).

I say keep dating, don't commit. But spend your time crushing your life, the relationship stuff will fall in eventually.

 

[mobilehaathi]

Perhaps a therapist can help you identify and work through your issues?

 

[juanm]

Bad ideas:

1: Asking for medical advice on the internet.
2: Asking random strangers for relationship advice on the internet.
3: Eating lots of Mentos and then drinking Diet Coke.

 

[Shrink]

Bad ideas:

1: Asking for medical advice on the internet.
2: Asking random strangers for relationship advice on the internet.
3: Eating lots of Mentos and then drinking Diet Coke.

I must whole heartedly agree with points 1 and 2....don't do it. Nobody knows enough by reading a post to give really worthwhile advice.

As to number 3...Wow!, I didn't know that.

Of course I will be going out in the next few minutes to buy some Mentos and Diet Coke!

 

[ejb190]

Keep this in mind. Love is an action, not a thing. You have to work at a relationship - and the only person you can work on is you.

I asked my great-grandfather how his marriage lasted 75 years! His answer was, "I said 'I do' and that was it." His word was his word. And that's how he lived. I'm on 7 years now.

I think you need to get your "wandering eye" out of your system or in check. Marriage isn't supposed to be like buying a car where if you don't like it, get tired of it, or find something better you can trade in. If you wind up in divorce court because of an affair, you are going to pay and it's going to hurt.

I really think you need to get this right in your heart before you commit to anyone.

 

[StephenCampbell]

Keep this in mind. Love is an action, not a thing. You have to work at a relationship - and the only person you can work on is you.

I asked my great-grandfather how his marriage lasted 75 years! His answer was, "I said 'I do' and that was it." His word was his word. And that's how he lived. I'm on 7 years now.

I think you need to get your "wandering eye" out of your system or in check. Marriage isn't supposed to be like buying a car where if you don't like it, get tired of it, or find something better you can trade in. If you wind up in divorce court because of an affair, you are going to pay and it's going to hurt.

I really think you need to get this right in your heart before you commit to anyone.

I would never commit to marriage without knowing for sure that this is it and that I'm ready to hold true to that commitment for life. That's why I'm being so careful in appraising where I'm at in terms of how ready I am to think about it.

I'm almost certain that if I don't end up with this girl I will end up alone. But I wish I knew that for sure, or had some clear way of knowing whether she's the one I should be with. It's hard to conceive of anybody being more compatible with me.

 

[ucfgrad93]

You know you have found the one because you feel 100% committed to them. If you still have doubts then perhaps this relationship is not quite right somehow?

Agreed. Just enjoy the time and stop thinking about marriage.

 

[LIVEFRMNYC]

Don't ask me! I've been engaged for 5 years! My opinion is I am happy right now and I don't want to rock the boat. I'm still expecting to be married at some point in the next 5-10 years, what's the rush?

How the hell did you pull that off? If I gave my girl a ring, I'll be locked down within a year.

 

[Seniordan]

How old are you? If you don't mind me asking. (Sorry if it was already mentioned, I just skimmed through the posts)

 

[sviato]

I haven't been in your particular situation but I do often wonder how will I know when the one is the one. I guess I just will, but I think similarly to you right now and wonder what if there is someone better.

I guess sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. Maybe ask yourself if she'd make a good ex-wife

 

[Tomorrow]

I guess overall I'm trying to figure out what it takes to develop a confidence about marriage. It's not in my temperament to reach a "this is definitely it, I know 100%" kind of place on an issue like this.

You've asked a very good question, so I'm going to give you a very candid answer.

Your statement about "developing a confidence about marriage" worries me somewhat. It seems to suggest that you believe if you try hard enough, you'll feel like getting married. Let me tell you to run, very fast, away from that kind of thinking.

I have been married twice. The first time was a situation like you've described; I was in love, and I felt that if I just kept trying to keep the right mindset, then marriage would come easy. It didn't. We did get married, but it was never a good marriage - I mean not even from day one. It only went downhill. And that's not worth it.

My wife (#2) and I have been married for over 10 years, and things are still great between us; unlike my first marriage, which began deteriorating seemingly as soon as it began. The difference is that with her, I knew I wanted to marry her long before I ever mentioned it to her. There was never any doubt, never any effort to put myself in the right mindset, never any need to convince myself that she was "the one" - I just knew.

If you're having doubts, don't get married. It really is that simple.

 

[4JNA]

You've asked a very good question, so I'm going to give you a very candid answer.

^^^ this. epic post. everything you needed to know or thought you were asking all nicely laid out.

it actually really is that simple. best of luck.

 

[StephenCampbell]

You've asked a very good question, so I'm going to give you a very candid answer.

Your statement about "developing a confidence about marriage" worries me somewhat. It seems to suggest that you believe if you try hard enough, you'll feel like getting married. Let me tell you to run, very fast, away from that kind of thinking.

I have been married twice. The first time was a situation like you've described; I was in love, and I felt that if I just kept trying to keep the right mindset, then marriage would come easy. It didn't. We did get married, but it was never a good marriage - I mean not even from day one. It only went downhill. And that's not worth it.

My wife (#2) and I have been married for over 10 years, and things are still great between us; unlike my first marriage, which began deteriorating seemingly as soon as it began. The difference is that with her, I knew I wanted to marry her long before I ever mentioned it to her. There was never any doubt, never any effort to put myself in the right mindset, never any need to convince myself that she was "the one" - I just knew.

If you're having doubts, don't get married. It really is that simple.

Unfortunately it isn't this simple for me, because experiences are subjective, and ANY person can in any situation feel doubt.

I'm the type of person to feel doubt in ANY situation like this, merely because of its most basic nature. So that is not something I can go by to tell whether I should get married; if I go by that I will 100% certainly end up alone.

And this girl and I have an amazing connection and virtually perfect compatibility. I just don't see it being something like your first marriage…

edit: Let me express something else. If she accidentally got pregnant, my response would be relief. Now I'd know we're getting married and I wouldn't have to make the decision anymore. I'd be relived and happy, and feeling like I couldn't have asked for a better wife.

 

[rdowns]

Unfortunately it isn't this simple for me, because experiences are subjective, and ANY person can in any situation feel doubt.

I'm the type of person to feel doubt in ANY situation like this, merely because of its most basic nature. So that is not something I can go by to tell whether I should get married; if I go by that I will 100% certainly end up alone.

And this girl and I have an amazing connection and virtually perfect compatibility. I just don't see it being something like your first marriage…

edit: Let me express something else. If she accidentally got pregnant, my response would be relief. Now I'd know we're getting married and I wouldn't have to make the decision anymore. I'd be relived and happy, and feeling like I couldn't have asked for a better wife.

You should listen to some of the excellent advice given out in this thread. Clearly, you are not if you believe that her getting pregnant would remove all your doubt. We all know that a baby is the answer to all problems that couples have.

 

[StephenCampbell]

You should listen to some of the excellent advice given out in this thread. Clearly, you are not if you believe that her getting pregnant would remove all your doubt. We all know that a baby is the answer to all problems that couples have.

No, that is true. My point was that I do actually have a confidence in her.

If the decision was made for me, I'd have no regrets.

 

[mobilehaathi]

edit: Let me express something else. If she accidentally got pregnant, my response would be relief. Now I'd know we're getting married and I wouldn't have to make the decision anymore. I'd be relived and happy, and feeling like I couldn't have asked for a better wife.

Good grief, go see a shrink.

 

[Apple fanboy]

Unfortunately it isn't this simple for me, because experiences are subjective, and ANY person can in any situation feel doubt.

True, but I knew when I met my future wife without any doubt she was the one for me (and I her). I have never doubted I made the right decision all those years ago.

The very fact that you are asking for advice on a forum about this makes me think you aren't ready.

 

[Tomorrow]

Unfortunately it isn't this simple for me, because experiences are subjective, and ANY person can in any situation feel doubt.

I'm the type of person to feel doubt in ANY situation like this, merely because of its most basic nature. So that is not something I can go by to tell whether I should get married; if I go by that I will 100% certainly end up alone.

You really, really should listen to that little voice telling you you will never be 100% sure - what it's really saying is, "You're not ready for marriage to anyone."

Let me express something else. If she accidentally got pregnant, my response would be relief. Now I'd know we're getting married and I wouldn't have to make the decision anymore.

Now I know for sure you're (1) nowhere near ready for marriage, and (2) hell-bent on soliciting advice and promptly rejecting the best responses. Best of luck to you, and your potential child(ren)-to-be.

 

[StephenCampbell]

I'm sorry I asked for help here. You guys don't seem to understand that there is such a thing as a person who second-guesses themselves at every major life decision no matter how clear or right it is. My brother is the same.

We think too much to believe that just because we've found one person who is perfect for us that there aren't several others out there… and we become curious what they're like, etc. Call it overthinking, call it what you will, but it doesn't mean that I shouldn't marry this girl.

If I were to choose to choose that, I would be making that choice completely and authentically, and in that moment deciding that this is who I want, regardless of who else is out there. But that's the hurdle, that's the leap of faith to make.. but once it's made, it's done and you've made your choice and you're in it for the long haul and there are no regrets because you chose it.

Anyways, now I'm lecturing myself. Have a nice day all!