Anyone have advice on thinking about marriage?

[mobilehaathi]

I'm sorry I asked for help here. You guys don't seem to understand that there is such a thing as a person who second-guesses themselves at every major life decision no matter how clear or right it is. My brother is the same.

We think too much to believe that just because we've found one person who is perfect for us that there aren't several others out there… and we become curious what they're like, etc. Call it overthinking, call it what you will, but it doesn't mean that I shouldn't marry this girl.

If I were to choose to choose that, I would be making that choice completely and authentically, and in that moment deciding that this is who I want, regardless of who else is out there. But that's the hurdle, that's the leap of faith to make.. but once it's made, it's done and you've made your choice and you're in it for the long haul and there are no regrets because you chose it.

Anyways, now I'm lecturing myself. Have a nice day all!

You don't seem to understand that the internet is not a substitute for therapy. Or a place to ask for relationship advice. Or a place to pour your heart out.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

I'm sorry I asked for help here. You guys don't seem to understand that there is such a thing as a person who second-guesses themselves at every major life decision no matter how clear or right it is. My brother is the same.

We think too much to believe that just because we've found one person who is perfect for us that there aren't several others out there… and we become curious what they're like, etc. Call it overthinking, call it what you will, but it doesn't mean that I shouldn't marry this girl.

If I were to choose to choose that, I would be making that choice completely and authentically, and in that moment deciding that this is who I want, regardless of who else is out there. But that's the hurdle, that's the leap of faith to make.. but once it's made, it's done and you've made your choice and you're in it for the long haul and there are no regrets because you chose it.

Anyways, now I'm lecturing myself. Have a nice day all!

Actually, I am not so sure that the issue under discussion can be reduced to an anonymous online audience failing to recognise that the OP is someone who spends much time 'second guessing' himself.

Stephen, this is the third thread you have started on issues related to relationships, or, more to the point, on issues related to how relationships are expressed through the prism afforded by your perspective on them.

There are days when I find myself asking (rhetorically, of course) whether your relationship threads are the relationship equivalent of our mutual friend Squilly, where the topic is not a convoluted and wildly improbable export scheme, but an equally implausible view of how humans actually go about choosing partners.

Thread one was about how you terminated a relationship with a woman, who, although 'perfect' in every way, failed to elicit a responsive spark, and was not, if I recall your initial posts correctly, of a background compatible with yours. Thread two was a bizarre thread requesting advice on whether a girl who smiled politely at you returned your interest. (She didn't). And now, thread three, features the rejected heroine of thread one, now returned to a starring role in your life story, along with a request seeking advice on the question of marriage.

Stephen: Many who have posted have advised that you read what they wrote (which, despite the excellent advice tendered, you blithely decline to do). My advice is different. Stephen: Why don't you read (again, and again) what you, yourself wrote, and think about it.

This is because your posts are all about one person, namely, your good self, and how those others (including the 'perfect' one) so perfectly fit you. They are all about how 'unique' you are, how 'unique' your 'way of thinking' is, and 'how many questions' you 'still have about yourself'.

Two threads later, I have absolutely no idea what the woman who is so perfect is like, other than that she is a paragon, has 'a most amazing connection' with you, fits you perfectly, and 'has complete compatibility' with you. Yet you still wonder about what else your fishing rod might bring up.

Nor indeed, have you ever mentioned that you actually love this woman; instead, yours posts have been confined to descriptions about just how good the 'connection' and 'compatibility' between you are.

To be honest, to my mind, reading all of the posts, Tomorrow put it rather well when he suggested that you might be not ready for marriage to anyone for now, if you are so emotionally disengaged at this stage.

 

[chown33]

I'm sorry I asked for help here. You guys don't seem to understand that there is such a thing as a person who second-guesses themselves at every major life decision no matter how clear or right it is.

If that is the problem it appears to be from your posts here, then you need to address that problem, rather than asking about marriage. In short, the problem isn't marriage, compatibility, the relationship, etc. The problem is your continual second-guessing of yourself. Until you address that in a serious way, nothing else will matter.

If you don't perceive the continual second-guessing as a problem that needs to be addressed, then maybe that's the problem (i.e. not recognizing the source of the problem).

If the problem is second-guessing, then I fail to see how anyone's advice here about marriage would solve that. What if their marriage advice is right? What if their marriage advice is wrong?

You can second-guess till doomsday about anyone's feelings or advice, including your own, and still be wrong. You can still have regrets, even if you don't second-guess yourself, and are authentic and true to yourself at the time.

 

[Tomorrow]

You guys don't seem to understand that there is such a thing as a person who second-guesses themselves at every major life decision no matter how clear or right it is.

Call it overthinking, call it what you will, but it doesn't mean that I shouldn't marry this girl.

And you don't seem to understand that that's EXACTLY what it means.

I'm not trying to be a jerk about it, I'm telling you because I went through the same thing. I spent four (or was it five?) years in a bad marriage wondering if I could make it better, wondering if I had made the right choice, etc. - even though it felt right at the time. That feeling never went away. It eats at you. It affects you, and then it starts to affect your relationship. And that's not fair to your significant other.

If you're pounding on your proverbial podium right now telling us that your uncertainty/indecision/habit of second-guessing yourself doesn't mean you're marrying the wrong person, what I'm trying to tell you is that that uncertainty/indecision/habit of second-guessing yourself is necessarily going to take a toll on your relationship.

I wish you all the best, I really do, but I respectfully submit that you're the one who doesn't get it, not us.

 

[StephenCampbell]

Please close the thread. It seems that every time I try to correct readers misinterpretations of where I'm at and what I say, it just takes us even further away from a place where I would be understood.

Thank you.