Anyone want to apply their wits to a tricky family dynamic problem?

[RedTomato]

I have a lot of sympathy for homeschooling.

That said, this is nothing to do with the topic. This is to do with family harmony in the evenings, and spending time together. Watch high art movies on your own or with your dad. Pick other movies that you can watch with your family.

I gave some suggestions earlier. Use them or go to the opposite extreme, pick movies that you don't care at all about, and can chat with your mum and your brother while watching at the same time. I watch kids movies with my 3 year old child, and some of them are dire, some surprise me, and we often chat about the movies while watching them.

Yes I'd prefer to watch something nice, but you know, it's my kid, i also enjoy chatting with her about the pink elephant and the blue car.

To be honest, the more you tell us, the less good you are looking. You are lucky enough to spend all day doing what you want, and have done so for the past few years. Most guys never have that. The other side of the bargain is spending time with the family.

Another thought - the most valuable adult skills are social skills - people who

* have language skills;
* are good communicators;
* know how to negotiate;
* have people skills;
* can understand and appreciate other cultures.

I'm not just blowing hot air. This list is from a poll of what billionaires say are the most valuable skills they want their own children to have. See

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7214523.stm

This is an excellent opportunity for you to practice these skills. Especially the skill of appreciating different ways to spend your time with people. It'll do you well - look how far it got Bush. He might be an idiot, but he has excellent social skills.

 

[emw]

1. Me and my brother are unschooled. We don't go to school, we don't get taught at home. My mom and me do sit on opposite ends of the house though, at our computers, so she doesn't see me that much during the day. But she does see me.

Wow. This is disturbing - aside from seeming to be alarmingly irresponsible parenting, I can't imaging spending all day at a computer only to subsequently want to spend all evening watching movies. Is this all you do? Have you ever gone to school? You seem to have at least a moderate mastery of the language, so I'd assume you've had some amount of education aside from the films you watch.

2. My younger brother has no friends. He's 14 going on 10 in social skills and other similar areas, and he's 14 going on 70 when it comes to music, because that's what he's been studying for the past 8 or 9 years. And he also happens to be a musical genius.

Given that he doesn't go to school it's no surprise he doesn't have friends. Where would he meet them? Or develop social skills? The fact that he's a "musical genius" appears to be wasted.

3. Moving the computer into the family room isn't an option, because in this house (and this is primarily encouraged by me) watching a film is taken very seriously. If you aren't going to be sitting down with your eyes on the screen for the duration of the film, you shouldn't be hearing parts of it because it's playing in the same room. That's a disrespect to the art. Generally if someone doesn't want to watch a movie that someone else is watching, they leave the room.

So "the art" is more important that your family? Please - if you respected the art you'd want to share it, to discuss it, to get people involved in it. Not write them off and hide away in your room.

4. My dad works on the weekends. He's always gone before the three of us get up, and he's back between 7:00 and 8:00 usually.

As has been said, the issue your mom is having has nothing to do specifically with the movies. Sounds like she never sees her husband, and your dad spends no time with your brother. No wonder she's putting her foot down.

5. Every evening, after my dad is pulled away to be with the family, and i'm either left to join them or watch a movie by myself, I usually choose to join the family and start a discussion about how unjust the situation is. For the past week, "family time" has been us arguing about my right to watch movies in the evening with my dad.

"pulled away to be with the family"? Is it really that much of a sacrifice for him? Your definition of unjust is extremely self-centered. Instead of making any attempt to actually be a family, you'd rather complain about how horrible your life is because your dad is "forced" to spend time with other members of the family instead of being holed up in front of your computer watching movies.

Certainly my perspective is vastly different than yours. I'm a parent with three young children. We value the time we spend together, and certainly demand that the TV is shut off and that we're together for periods while we eat, play games, whatever. I acknowledge that much of that will change as they get older and more independent, but a certain foundation of respect for what it means to be a family must be maintained.

 

[miloblithe]

I'm homeschooled according to the law. Occasionally "the law" comes and checks on whether we're learning enough, and usually says that we're 6 or 7 grades ahead of the grade we'd be in if we were in school.

So you've got an master's or law degree?

 

[kcbyemom]

Oh please let's not insult the intelligence of the OP! Homeschooling and unschooling are completely different tools that are both technically legal in the US.
OP - sorry, one post made it seem you are dissatisfied with this experience.
Unless you are being held hostage I'm certain your brother has opportunities to meet folks in the neighborhood, music lessons, or the grocery store. Quite often home educators have local networks and many children educated from home have far more opportunities for social networking because they complete more curriculum in less time with one on one attention. Aside from that gifted kids can be a little immature sometimes, um so can the rest of the world. I remember thinking my kid sister was the single most bizarre creature when we were your age. We are now best friends.
My suspicion is that if your brother is a musical genius then likely you and your older sibling are in the gifted category as well and probably would have been exceptionally frustrated in a brick and mortar.
All of that aside, I still think this sounds like an issue between your folks. Let them iron it out and do what you can to help. As someone else mentioned bide your time - college is right around the corner.

 

[Jade Cambell]

Wow. This is disturbing - aside from seeming to be alarmingly irresponsible parenting, I can't imaging spending all day at a computer only to subsequently want to spend all evening watching movies. Is this all you do? Have you ever gone to school? You seem to have at least a moderate mastery of the language, so I'd assume you've had some amount of education aside from the films you watch.

Given that he doesn't go to school it's no surprise he doesn't have friends. Where would he meet them? Or develop social skills? The fact that he's a "musical genius" appears to be wasted.

So "the art" is more important that your family? Please - if you respected the art you'd want to share it, to discuss it, to get people involved in it. Not write them off and hide away in your room.

As has been said, the issue your mom is having has nothing to do specifically with the movies. Sounds like she never sees her husband, and your dad spends no time with your brother. No wonder she's putting her foot down.

"pulled away to be with the family"? Is it really that much of a sacrifice for him? Your definition of unjust is extremely self-centered. Instead of making any attempt to actually be a family, you'd rather complain about how horrible your life is because your dad is "forced" to spend time with other members of the family instead of being holed up in front of your computer watching movies.

Certainly my perspective is vastly different than yours. I'm a parent with three young children. We value the time we spend together, and certainly demand that the TV is shut off and that we're together for periods while we eat, play games, whatever. I acknowledge that much of that will change as they get older and more independent, but a certain foundation of respect for what it means to be a family must be maintained.

I do plenty. I don't sit around all day doing nothing. Not to mention the fact that it's simply a blatant lie that school is required to get an education. School has nothing to do with learning how to use the language. I learned the english language by living in this world for 17 years. But this is irrelevant to this discussion.

I do want to get people involved in the art of great films, but often it's simply my mom's preference to not watch a film in the evening. And I forgot to mention, my dad really does want to watch movies with me. He'd much rather watch a movie than go be with the family.. so my anger is also somewhat grounded in attempting to stand up for his rights as well.

 

[atszyman]

What time does he go to work in the morning? I know you said before you get up, but from what I've read he works until 7-8 p.m. every night including weekends? I don't know that they could pay me enough to spend that kind of time away from my family.

If he leaves for work at around 10:00 a.m. or so you could make an effort to try to get up early a few days a week and watch the movies then without trying to force them into the little time the whole family has together in the evenings.

 

[Macaddicttt]

And I forgot to mention, my dad really does want to watch movies with me. He'd much rather watch a movie than go be with the family.. so my anger is also somewhat grounded in attempting to stand up for his rights as well.

So? Your anger is not grounded at all in your mothers desires. Just because someone else wants the same thing as you doesn't mean that you're not being selfish.

 

[Schtumple]

I hated much of my childhood because my mum was very overbearing, we would argue all the time, it got to the point where it almost ripped our whole family apart on a few occasions, but once you get older you realise that she's just doing it because she know that in a few years your going to want to get a car, go to uni, get a apartment etc and she just wants to spend the last remaining years together.

Just my insight.

 

[emw]

Not to mention the fact that it's simply a blatant lie that school is required to get an education. School has nothing to do with learning how to use the language.

I'm not debating your ability to use the English language, merely pointing out that it's a little odd that your parents would choose to keep you at home, without a structured education program, rather than send you to school. Especially if, as it appears, you don't actually interact with your mother on any significant level. It wasn't a defense of the US education system.

He'd much rather watch a movie than go be with the family.. so my anger is also somewhat grounded in attempting to stand up for his rights as well.

Whether he enjoys the movie or simply enjoys not interacting with anyone - because certainly talking during the movie appears to be disallowed - is unclear.

Does your father spend any "alone" time with your brother?

 

[foidulus]

So you've got an master's or law degree?

Law degree? The original poster said "ahead" not behind

 

[Jade Cambell]

I'm not debating your ability to use the English language, merely pointing out that it's a little odd that your parents would choose to keep you at home, without a structured education program, rather than send you to school. Especially if, as it appears, you don't actually interact with your mother on any significant level. It wasn't a defense of the US education system.

Whether he enjoys the movie or simply enjoys not interacting with anyone - because certainly talking during the movie appears to be disallowed - is unclear.

Does your father spend any "alone" time with your brother?

My dad and me love movies. My dad is also a very social guy. He's not trying to avoid anything or anyone. He just really enjoys watching movies and so do I.

I'm very happy my parents didn't send me to school, but that's a different topic.

What time does he go to work in the morning? I know you said before you get up, but from what I've read he works until 7-8 p.m. every night including weekends? I don't know that they could pay me enough to spend that kind of time away from my family.

If he leaves for work at around 10:00 a.m. or so you could make an effort to try to get up early a few days a week and watch the movies then without trying to force them into the little time the whole family has together in the evenings.

My dad leaves for work at around 6:00 a.m. usually.

 

[Keebler]

jade,

my opinion: your mom is being unreasonable b/c i think she feels she doesn't have a choice. no offense, but watching 3 or 4 movies a week? that is ALOT of movie watching. i can totally understand her wanting you folks to spend more time together and if both her and your Dad work, then of course she'll want that family time...heck, even if she's a stay at home Mom, she'd want that time b/c you're in school most of the day.

put it this way: there are too many families these days who DO NOT spend enough time together. she may be unreasonable, but one thing is for sure: she seems to care about you or maybe she wouldn't put up the fuss to care about spending time.

she obviously feels left out and while you enjoy your time with your Dad, i think you need to see it from her perspective. As well, you need to talk to her and explain how important it is for you to watch movies with your Dad. There probably could be a compromise where you only watch 1 or 2 movies a week.

I'm still blown away by 3 - 4 movies a week. i'm surprised that your homework doesn't take up more time or if you have a job that you're not that busier. Same with your Dad - it's not a criticism b/c i don't know your Dad from a hole in the ground, but i don't know too many parents with that much free time. Not saying it's not a good thing b/c maybe it is. I'd like more free time to myself

jade..sorry...i didn't read the part about homeschooling. my bad. that changes things a bit, but i think overall, you need to sit down and have a heart to heart.

good luck,
keebler

 

[Abstract]

So? Your anger is not grounded at all in your mothers desires. Just because someone else wants the same thing as you doesn't mean that you're not being selfish.

So true.

 

[Macky-Mac]

....I do want to get people involved in the art of great films, but often it's simply my mom's preference to not watch a film in the evening. And I forgot to mention, my dad really does want to watch movies with me. He'd much rather watch a movie than go be with the family.. so my anger is also somewhat grounded in attempting to stand up for his rights as well.

I really don't think this has all that much to do with watching films or not. Sure, superfically that's what the situation is about, but that's not what's really going on.

Your father goes to work and everybody else stays home. When he does get home, he's got a very limited amount of time to spread around to all of you. Unfortunately, you all go into battle to get his attention directed your way...the poor guy. By insisting on an activity that you know will exclude your mom and brother, you're only making the situation worse for him.

 

[Rodimus Prime]

does you dad work 7 days a week? If so why?

The fact as others pointing out you mom wants you and more importunately your father to spend time with the rest of the family not just you.

You clearly seem like you are not willing to even try to compromise. Instead make a demand to get ride of it all together.

Your arguing every night makes it even more apparent that you are not acting your age and not willing to compromise. As long as you are going to that do not expect your mom to give. If she does give it is because she tired of fighting and it will do long lasting damage to your relationship.

 

[Jade Cambell]

Thanks for all the advice. I'm generally told that I act way older than my age, so maybe my apparent "immaturity" is only something that arrises in family situations like this. And I don't bring up the argument every night, although during the past week I have brought it up quite a bit. But I will take to heart a lot of the advice given here. Thanks for the perspective. And i'd surely appreciate more advice if anyone has any.