How AT&T cornered me and made it agonizing to make #2
"How I paid over $200 for a promise"
- or -
"How AT&T cornered me and made it agonizing to make #2".... I feel so dirty.
Once upon a time, a sadly hopeful nation lined up at their local Apple store to get the new iPhone. Uncle Steve had promised twice the speed for half the price, but Uncle Steve's promise was based on a secret and unholy marriage with spawn of Satan, ma' bell. ( It should be noted that Ma Bell was not precisely the spawn of Satan, but their actual source was a tissue found behind Satan's headboard.. technically making AT&T Satan's seed)
anyway... an eager nation of mac fanatics lined up outside their local stores with Uncle Steve's promise dancing in their heads. And then, 8 am came and the lines lurched forward; a lurch that was felt around the world.
(Al Gore attributed the lurch to global warming, and has successfully introduced {via his PCGW lackeys} a new tax bill to bleed off money from the mac iFanatics under the guise of an iCarbon offset)
anyway... the initial lurch of the line threw gasoline on the fire of the eagerness dancing in the dreams of the heads of iFanatics. Well polished young iEnablers with white teeth and a California shine walked up and down the line handing out free water and coffee to the iFanatics. Their goal was to ensure the survival of each and every member of the iFanatic line until their credit cards had been billed. The coffee was wonderful, a knowledge of long lines, diuretics, and bottled water kept some of the iFanatics from partaking of the water.... wisely so. There was a second lurch, as the line came to an abrupt stop. It was expected, since the first 30 or so people were taken hand-in-hand by the iEnablers to coax additional spending on things that promised to increase they iEuphoria.
And then, ... nothing happened. Nothing happened for an hour. The line made a few dry heaves, a suggestion of a trickle, then nothing again. for another hour.
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D91RQIPG1&show_article=1
As it turned out, many of those first 30 people were sent to "the special iTable" where their iEnablers were making iCalls to a tissue behind Satan's bed. It seems Satan's seed doesn't share it's secrets, even in unholy marriages. All of uncle Steve's children, those iEnablers wearing genius t-shirts and that California shine, had to line up with hands out, hoping that Satan's seed would deem them worthy to disclose the hellish secrets behind "Error #817". While the evangelical iFanatics ran to the book of Revelations, hoping to unravel the meaning of seed of Satan's (SOS) error codes, others of us checked the Drudge report to read about software glitches that were turning a day of iSelfpleasure for iFanatics into iHell-on-earth.
SOS appeared to be making new rules up as the day went on. I personally was denied an iPhone from SOS because I had worn light socks with dark pants, and SOS has a great view of our socks from down below, despite being lodged in a tissue under Satan's bed. My SOS (AT&T) account did quality for an upgrade, and I checked it days ago, and I brought documentation, and all three calls from the iEnabler iGenius iCousins (again, uncle Steve's kids) revealed that I did indeed qualify for the upgrade.
But...
I had to go to the AT&T store to get it.
Why?... "you're not using the phone that was originally sold for that number".
What?... "I said, because you have other discounts on that account".
That's literally what I was told. In the same sentence... two excuses from my iGenius iEnabler cousin.
...but how can you be angry at such white teeth?!?
The iCousin wept with me. (Shortest verse in the bible...iCuz wept) iCuz had not been able to fulfill his calling as an iEnabler. I was not iSelfPleasured, my iFanatic within was not fed, and iCuz wept because he thrice swept my iAMEX but never got to take money.
I hopped onto my iCycle and rode to the gates of Hell! (located at 26th and Penn Ave in the Strip district; is there any surprise that SOS would set up shop in a place called "Strip") There were no lines, but there was a guard that wouldn't let me in. Once past the guard, I was greeted by Satan's spawn in suits with moussed hair, all curious as to how I was doing today. I told them that I was tired, pissed, and being 2:30 in the afternoon, looking forward to breakfast.
They smiled.
It turns out that hell was designed by the devious, the deceptive, the father's of lies, the sadistic...
Satan's spawn, there in the tissue under Satan's bed, had been given 40 whole iPhones for the launch.
Yes, 40.
At Pittsburgh's BIGGEST AT&T store.
They had 40 phones.
BUT since I had spent 6 hours in the line with the other iFanatics, and the 40 phones were gone in the first 10 minutes that morning, all I got were smiling spawn happy to take my money on the promise that, some day, I will get a phone.
If that day does eventually come, they will charge me a dime to text my old phone to tell me that I can ride to hell's gates again to complete your most unholy transaction. At that time, a pentagram will be carved into my chest, blood wiped onto a stone, and my phone bill will go up.
Oh Joy.
The good news???? The good news???????
The Indian place still had Chicken Tika Masala on the buffet when I finally got to work at 3.
breakfast was great...
albeit Indian....
!!!!
and AT$T failed to think this one through. Unacceptable stock levels at all AT$T stores was their first mistake. Then I find it ridiculous for apple to offer upgades to current iPhone customers but not have the ability to access your full account and perform necessary task to accommodate those customers. 
