I enjoyed some of the original AVP (I now, I'm in the minority... story of my life). Although the flick went about it all wrong by trying to be ALIEN with shoddy dialogue/characters when it should’ve been “pow-pow” inclined ALIENS like, I still dug some of its ideas, action and visuals. After seeing the AVP 2 trailer and hearing the Brothers Krause yap about their picture, I was mucho pumped for this sequel, fairly confident that these dudes knew what they were talking about and that they would give both of these legendary film monsters justice within one film. Boy was I wrong!
AVP REQUIEM made AVP look like a freaking classic! Bold statement I know but I stand by it with every fiber of my moronic being. This follow up started on the right tail impaling, slyly launching its story immediately where AVP left off. It gave me a promising set up while showcasing a ballsy “take no prisoners” attitude. Fifteen minutes in though, it was all downhill from there. Did the peeps behind this insult even watch the PREDATOR and ALIEN movies? I know they did, due to the countless cutesy winks to both franchises throughout via audio/visual cue or lines of dialogue. Sadly they obviously didn’t get what made both franchises work: superior writing and characterization within B-Movie-ish premises. That’s why these films worked! They were down and dirty monster movies but with more smarts than you can shake an Oscar at and larger than my crotch budgets!
So I nearly vomited in my own mouth when I found out that the “foes” for the Aliens and the Predator were a group of stereotypical teens right out of any 90’s slasher. I then DID hurl down my own yapper when the paper thin characterization, the “Teen Beat” dialogue/conflicts and the strwaberry ice cream relationships kicked in. Who the f*ck thought that having the ALIENS and the PREDATOR kick ass and take names in a DAWSON’S CREEK like setting would be a good idea? Talk about demeaning two legendary cinematic entities without flinching. WOW! Embarrassing! I didn’t think you could stoop this low when it came to mis-using these classic beasties, but behold this film did it in a heart beat. ALIENS wrestling an “Evil Jock”? WHAAAAT? A Predator tackling a “Token Slut”? ?????? WTF is going here? Somebody slip an acid in my Pepsi hoping to bag my ass blue? COME ON!
So, with zero investment in the characters (Boy did that cop dude suck balls or what?), situations and relationships that left me with the action scenes to hold on to. Alas, unless overly dark, shaky cam heavy and fairly “meh” staged action get-downs talks to ya, you’re **** all out of luck much like I was, when i was wasting away in that theatre seat like Paris Hilton without a rod to suckle on. Nothing to see here! MOVE ON! Dismissive was the word and Arrow Sucks were the other words. Now I’ll give the film this; when I saw them, the Predator and Alien designs were pretty bang on, the gorgeous aerial shots were the money, the money was onscreen and I did get minute kicks out of a couple of the gory gags, but other than that, nobody was home to bang MY MOM! Tag to that plot holes galore and a failure in capitalizing on its new unique environment (earth that is… wouldn’t know it was set there though) and you get a stinker that stinks more that a 2 week old, unwashed ****, that's cottage cheesing on your carpet.
Looking back at my AVP 2 experience, my whole sit down was a freaking chore. I just kept hoping the film would end so I could go on with my pathetic day already! Sh*t characters, sh*t action, sh*t story… that’s a lot of excrements to digest in one sitting. Big let down for me! I really thought this one was going to do this fly concept right. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! F*ck AVP 2! A dumbed down, gooey spit on two superior horror/sci-fi series.
I went in AVP 2, AVP REQUIEM, AVP SELL–OUT…whatever you want to call it, WANTING to dig it. I wound up hating it with a f*cking passion. Sure the special effects were on the ball and the winks to both franchises endearing now and again, but the sad-sack stock characters, the bland storyline and the shoddy action scenes were laughable at best. Is it so hard to do this match-up right? I mean come; it’s not a Chinese puzzle over here! Slap ALIENS and PREDATORS in a compelling setting, pit them against layared/likeable human foes and let the sparks fly! Its one, two, three, fun! Alas, they didn’t get it right with AVP and they made utter fools of themselves with AVP 2. Time to wacth ALIENS and PREDTAOR again to wash away the filth that was this movie off my nogging. AVP Requiem can kiss my white ass!