Can I get my girlfriend back? (Sorry, another relationship thread)

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by steelphantom, Dec 18, 2009.

  1. steelphantom macrumors 6502a

    steelphantom

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    #1
    Hey guys,

    I've been a member here for quite a while, but haven't really posted much lately. I know there have been quite a few relationship threads posted on MacRumors, and just wanted to get some different opinions on my situation. I'm having a really tough time dealing right now, and just want some input. So, without further ado, here's the situation:

    I met this girl last November at a gig I was playing. We instantly hit it off and talked all night. Over the next month we exchanged Facebook messages and met at another gig in January. We had another amazing time, and a few weeks later, went on our first date. I drove to her apartment and stayed with her all weekend, and we had an incredible time. I knew even then that she was the girl I wanted to be with. So we began dating, and our relationship grew very strong. We were totally in love with each other. We share so many of the same interests and the same viewpoints on things in life.

    A few months into the relationship, she revealed to my mom (who is Catholic) that she had been raised Catholic but had decided not to get confirmed because she didn't believe all of the stuff that they were teaching. After that point, my mom would not give her a chance. She just didn't respect her at all at that point. This hurt me very much because I personally do not share my mom's Catholic beliefs, and I couldn't bring myself to tell her. My girlfriend stood by my side throughout this, though she was really hurt by my mom.

    After this happened, in addition to some other outside factors, my self-esteem and "zest for life" dwindled. My girlfriend often felt like she had to be happy for the both of us. I began getting very frustrated with my girlfriend for random things, and rather than talking them out and making things better, I bottled them up and finally broke up with her. She was devastated.

    I thought that at the time I had made the right decision, but last week she messaged me and asked me if I was over it. I said that I thought I was, and then she told me that she's seeing a new guy and is happy and saw why things had to happen between us. As soon as I heard that, it completely broke my heart and I knew that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I didn't really know what to say. We had a love that was incredible, and I let my personal problems ruin our relationship. I have been taking steps to remedy my personal issues, but I am so worried that it will be entirely too late and I will have lost her.

    She told me a few days ago that I had lost her trust, and that it's VERY hard to gain it back, but if one day I find myself and still feel like I've made a huge mistake, and that I do what I need to do to get her back, that I will be successful. This has given me some hope, but realistically, how much hope do I have? I love this girl with all my heart and want to be with her forever! I let my personal problems ruin it all... :(
     
  2. MultiM macrumors 6502

    MultiM

    Joined:
    May 9, 2006
    Location:
    TO. I've moved!
    #2
    Tell her what you just told us. Take it from there...
     
  3. robbieduncan Moderator emeritus

    robbieduncan

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2002
    Location:
    London
    #3
    She's moved on. You need to do the same. Don't live in the past.
     
  4. anjinha macrumors 604

    anjinha

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2006
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
  5. -aggie- macrumors P6

    -aggie-

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Location:
    Where bunnies are welcome.
    #5
    Not to sound harsh, but you both sound like you're playing games or really don't know what you want. She asks if you are over her, you say yes, and then when she says she's seeing someone you're heartbroken? Later she says you can get her back if you do what's required?

    If she was really the love of your life, why'd you break up? It sounds like you still have some work to do on you, IMO. If not, then do what she requires you to do (whatever that is), win her back, and live happily ever after. Fairly simple, if that's all that is required and you're really serious.
     
  6. iOrlando macrumors 68000

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2008
    #6
    love comes and go, unless you are blood related.

    blood is thick in history...
     
  7. Rodimus Prime macrumors G4

    Rodimus Prime

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2006
    #7
    I read you post and I came to one simple conclusion.
    "You want what you can not have"

    You did not want her back until you found out she was with someone new. Her being with a new guy is a signal that she is over you and has moved on. Now you want her because of that

    It is over. Even if yoiu did try again it would end for the same reasons as before because the same fights would happen. I have watch it before with friends and I delt with some of it in my own life. Trust me it is not worth it.
     
  8. acfusion29 macrumors 68040

    acfusion29

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2007
    Location:
    Toronto
    #8
    Exactly.. I would never let my mom or parents get in the way of me and a girl.

    Something similar just happened within my family actually, but it wasn't over religion.
     
  9. Surely Guest

    Surely

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2007
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    #9
    I'm going to agree with these comments.


    Or, you can stand outside of her bedroom window and do this:

    [​IMG]

    "In your eyes......"
     
  10. Knowlege Bomb macrumors 601

    Knowlege Bomb

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2008
    Location:
    Madison, WI
    #10
    This guy said it best. No matter how many times you try and how much you both say you're going to change it's not gonna happen. Your relationship went the way it did because of who you both are. You're still you. She's the same person as well. Move on and find somebody with whom you're compatible.

    The feelings for this girl may never go away. It sucks but it's the truth. I speak from experience. But the sooner you realize that you're not meant to be together the sooner you can move along and find the right one.
     
  11. TSE macrumors 68030

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2007
    Location:
    St. Paul, Minnesota
    #11
    Don't call her your girlfriend, first of all.

    Second of all, I think it's time to move on. More fish in the sea. :)
     
  12. steelphantom thread starter macrumors 6502a

    steelphantom

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    #12
    Ahh geez guys... I was afraid you would say that.

    Well, I didn't quite say, "yes, of course, I'm totally over you." I said that I guessed I was, but I still missed things about her. And when she said it's possible I could get her back, she said "if things work out" or "if that's what's supposed to happen" or something to that effect. So it wasn't "if you do this, I'll go out with you again."

    I won't deny that. I definitely have a lot of work to do on myself. Throughout my life, I have based a lot of my decisions on what other people might think or what their reactions might be. I have realized that I need to stop doing that and just be ME. I need to do what makes ME happy. She has the uncanny ability to just follow her heart, and I envy her for that.

    A little backstory on the relationship: I had just graduated with my BA in math when we started dating, and was unhappy working on my MA in secondary math teaching. I had considered going to school for music for a long time (before I met her), and finally decided to just drop out of school and go for the music degree. Well, I dropped out, auditioned, and got into a few schools. I was really happy and excited. Then the thing with my mom creeped up, I began having second thoughts about the degree, and self-confidence issues arose. Ex-girlfriend and I decided to move in together, because I chose to go to school near where she was living, and this REALLY pissed my mom off, which further strained things, again, because I was too worried about what my mom was thinking and saying. I couldn't focus on school at all and dropped out after only a few weeks. I was counting on getting a software job after dropping out, and that fell through. So basically I have nothing to show for 2009. It's a pretty depressing thought.
     
  13. eawmp1 macrumors 601

    eawmp1

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2008
    Location:
    FL
    #13
    Time to cut the umbilical cord and slap yourself on the a$$. Keep it up and you'll end up Norman Bates. You're an adult (I presume), live your life, not the life your mom wants you to.
     
  14. Knowlege Bomb macrumors 601

    Knowlege Bomb

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2008
    Location:
    Madison, WI
    #14
    With all due respect, your mom sounds like an evil b****. I certainly wouldn't have much respect for a parent who didn't support my decision to be with someone I care about as much as you seem to about this girl.
     
  15. steelphantom thread starter macrumors 6502a

    steelphantom

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    #15
    You're totally right. I'm working on it, one step at a time. I finally admitted to her today that ever since I was a kid, I didn't believe in any of the Catholic stuff. It was sort of a weight off my shoulders, but obviously too late to make any difference in my (former) relationship.

    I love my mom, but I have lost a ton of respect for her after this. I don't think I could ever forgive her for what she's done. She is a religious bigot. But at the same time, I was too much of a wuss to just stand up to her, which is obviously my fault.
     
  16. eawmp1 macrumors 601

    eawmp1

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2008
    Location:
    FL
    #16
    Way to live up to the username today.
     
  17. steelphantom thread starter macrumors 6502a

    steelphantom

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    #17
    Was that sarcastic? Serious? Either way, I'm not sure I get it. My username is based off of the name of a roller coaster, haha.
     
  18. barkomatic macrumors 68040

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2008
    Location:
    Manhattan
    #18
    She's your mother and you love her. It's hard to stand up to your own family sometimes especially when you're young. Cut yourself a break. You've realized your own beliefs and have told her. You'll find another girl and will be all the wiser. It's ok.
     
  19. eawmp1 macrumors 601

    eawmp1

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2008
    Location:
    FL
    #19
    I was serious, playing off your new steel mettle.
    However, a rollercoaster analogy for life could be applied also.
     
  20. steelphantom thread starter macrumors 6502a

    steelphantom

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    #20
    Ah, I see now. Thanks, I guess. :p I just need to continue to take steps to get back to who I was before all this **** fell apart, and also eventually go beyond that. As unbearably difficult as this seems right now, I need to somehow turn this slew of bad decisions into better ones, and make big changes in my life.
     
  21. eawmp1 macrumors 601

    eawmp1

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2008
    Location:
    FL
    #21
    Wrong...you don't want to be back where you were before all the **** fell apart...you want to be in a better place. Don't look back with longing; look forward with anticipation.
     
  22. steelphantom thread starter macrumors 6502a

    steelphantom

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2005
    #22
    I know what you're saying, and I agree. But I became an irritable, rotten person with absolutely no self-confidence and I didn't care about myself one bit. That was not me before this happened. I need to get back to the person that accepts me for who I am and actually believes in myself. But I also need to not be the person who wusses out every time he thinks someone is going to disagree with him or get angry at him. So I need to be myself, but NOT be myself, if that makes any sense.
     
  23. Macaddicttt macrumors 6502a

    Macaddicttt

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2004
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    #23
    Ahh... Kennywood...
     
  24. yojitani macrumors 68000

    yojitani

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2005
    Location:
    An octopus's garden
    #24
    I'm going to go against the grain (I think here) and respectfully disagree with the 'get over it' line of thought. It sounds like she has left a small window for you that you should jump through at any cost if indeed you feel you have made a huge mistake. If what you had together was as rare as you say it was, then believe me, it'll be a long time, maybe never, before you find something like it again. Try what you can to win her over again, but also learn from your mistakes and learn to continue to value her as much as you realize you do now.

    BUT, from what you've said you need to correct your relationship with your mother. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard about some great guy who doesn't have the balls to be honest to his mother and play the part he should between spouse/girlfriend and mother! The spouse/girlfriend leaves every time eventually. Religion is a tough one, but you're going to need to clarify (to your mother) how you feel about your mother's religion and be willing to unambiguously take your girlfriend's side.
     
  25. Iscariot macrumors 68030

    Iscariot

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2007
    Location:
    Toronteazy
    #25
    And if you did, you would have stood up to your mom.
    Yeah, I doubt that very much. This smacks of first real girlfriend.
     

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