So what's your next action under the Sale of Goods act? Do you have to file a claim with them in court?
You first have to try and settle. This is why I was wondering if there's a special Apple UK number I could try first. Or the email of a regional manager or higher?
If not, then there's a Small Claims Court for things like (my bolding):
"The most common types of claim in the small claims track are:
compensation for faulty services provided, for example, by builders, dry cleaners, garages and so on
compensation for faulty goods, for example, televisions or washing machines which go wrong
disputes between landlords and tenants, for example, rent arrears or compensation for not doing repairs
wages owed or money in lieu of notice."
The thing is, Apple are relying on me not bothering. They'd definitely lose, and have to pay my expenses as well, but they don't think I'd go that far.