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Did I lose my mojo?

Abstract

Abstract

macrumors Penryn
Original poster
Dec 27, 2002
24,905
944
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Name: Abstract (ok, not really)
Gender: Male
Age: 26
Problem: I can get an erection (not as "stiff" as normal), but can't keep it and am totally "deflated" by the time I got to put the stretchy hat on. :eek: :(

I know erectile dysfunction is supposed to be a normal occurrence in men, but at age 26?? Dang. Is that what I'm suffering from? I mean, I can get a semi-hard one, but I can't keep it. At all. What the heck am I supposed to say when we're both naked and I've already warmed up the oven to the point where she's basically telling me to put it in right now?

Anyway, I've had a problem 2 of the past 3 nights with this girl who I love more than any girl I have ever met (except my mum). I broke up with my ex-girlfriend last year in October, and haven't had sex since then. Anyway, we've essentially had sex of some sort since last week on like Thursday or something. I just haven't......you know.......let Capt'n Abstract explore the dark caves yet.

The first time things didn't work out, we got to 2nd base, and she said she didn't want to. I said "OK." We talked, made out again, got to the point where she's naked and I'm essentially pulling my pants down. She said she wasn't ready since she had just gotten over her ex-boyfriend. I said "Ok." I'm patient; plus, I really really love being with her. Then we start making out again AGAIN! and she's asking me to get the condom in her drawer. Sweet. Problem is that I was so flaccid that I couldn't do it. Think "frightened turtle". It would have been impossible. Was it cold in her room or something?

Last night, we made out, got nekkid and let the dirty bedsheet action begin. Life was good. I had an errection when we made out, but after we got naked and did some.......(I don't want to describe it here in case I cross the line, but it involves kissing, general touching, and fingers).......I completely lost it again. It wasn't like a frightened turtle, but nobody's going to be scared of the sword I'm "wielding." Stupid thing was that when I was opening up the condom wrapper with my teeth, it fell out and I couldn't find the damned thing since it was so dark (I have Xmas lights in my room that provides very soft light.......*cues porn music*), but even after I found it, I just threw it somewhere dark because I was so flaccid that there was no way Captain Abstract was going to stand up and salute again. I tried to get it up, but it didn't happen. I told her I couldn't find the condom. :( Wow, she laughed at me and said "That's alright, I just wanted to be with you" and stayed in my room looking for it, and then we talked, then slept.

Tonight, she said she's coming over. I made out with her this evening and still wasn't as "erect" as I know I can be, so that's not a good sign. I don't think I can go through with this. I don't want to bowl a turkey and go 3 nights in a row. :(

Wish me luck. Hopefully......I'm Going In!™ However, in case I can't, anyone got tips for dealing with this issue? Should I like....change my diet or something?? I exercise, eat fairly healthy, and generally quite healthy, and this usually isn't a problem for me. I'm thinking about not "choking the chicken" for a few days and let the good Captain take a rest --- some time to think things over.
 
er... wasn't expecting this thread to be quite this detailed.

anyway, I've found that perform sexually, whether it be getting it up, or keeping it up, is all in your mind. Seriously, believe me. Though another factor is how long you've been with the girl, how comfortable you are with her, and how she is with you. The more sex you have with the same person, the better you are at performing with them. Unfortunately I don't have any specific advice, but just relax. Also, if you are very comfortable with the girl, maybe even talk to her about it. Just doing that might break down the barrier.

now a question, is this a problem only when your with the lady, or is it also a problem when your, you know... alone? cause if it is then maybe its a different problem.
 
Stop worrying... since it's likely to only make things worse.

It sounds like she's a little hesitant too if she's getting over a breakup - even if she's happy to 'go along with it'. Why not suggest to her that you 'experiment' a little more until you're both more comfortable with one another? Chances are she'll be pleasantly surprised...

Take time to explore each other while saying you're definitely not going to go all the way and you might see a difference. When there's no performance anxiety because you've already said there won't be, you might find that things perk up all on their own.
 
Maybe you're gay. :eek:


Just kidding. ;)


It sounds to me (and I'm no expert) that you simply aren't comfortable enough to perform yet, as you said you've not done anything since last October. Be thankful the thing still works! My best advice is to keep at it, but take baby steps, and let her know that you want to take things slow. As others have said, once you announce that you want to move slow, you'll be more comfortable with the situation and the way things are going and you'll be up and at 'em in no time.

I get this problem from time to time (and I'm younger than you are) but I usually find it is associated with either being tired after a long day of work or simply not being in the mood but going along with it anyways because she wants to so bad. Whenever I'm in the mood and in control, everything is swell. ;)
 
howard said:
er... wasn't expecting this thread to be quite this detailed.
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Sorry my original post was so long and detailed. It's just that I feel a bit deflated right now. ;)


someguy said:
I get this problem from time to time (and I'm younger than you are)....
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Ok, that makes me feel a bit better. At least I'm not the only one. ;)

I wasn't tired at the time, and I really want to. She does too, and we're both very comfortable with each other. She's basically my closest friend right now, and we can't even be in the same room without eyeing each other.

I don't think it's desire, and I'm not certain whether it's "comfort level," but I guess I could roll with that idea for now.
 
I used to have similar problems every time I'd get with a new girl in my teens, so I know exactly how deflating it can feel. Luckily, I learnt it was entirely psychological and now no longer suffer that problem at all (in fact, its hard to keep it down :eek: ).

If you can get an erection when you're on your own, then you know you don't have a physical problem - which is good. So I doubt that it's anything to do with your diet, or how much exercise you do. It sounds more like you're just nervous, or anxious (even if, in your mind, you don't think you are). The key is take it slowly. Don't just dive straight into sex. I know in your post you talked a lot about 'making out'. Despite having an American girlfriend, that is an Americanism that I'm still not sure what it means - whether it means just kissing or more. If it means just kissing, then what I'd suggest is trying lots of foreplay stuff...without wanting to be too explicit, things such as oral sex or mutual masturbation. But don't necessarily do it with sex in mind as the final goal. Just play around for a few nights and reach climax without having sex. Soon enough you'll feel more confident with each other and you'll find getting the old cap'n to stand to attention no problem whatsoever. I know that this helped me a lot.

Anyways, I hope that helped. The key is to just to be open and honest with her, and not to feel like everytime you start doing stuff is that it has to end in sex.
 
I was wondering what kind of mojo...

I guess you should get professional help. It could get worse. Something you are repressing or you are frightened about. Get help, it pays.
 
I think it's all in your head... the one above your neck.

It's not a physical problem, almost undoubtedly, because you can achieve results, just not keep them. I strongly suspect there are concerns, conscious or subconscious, with whether or not you should have sex with this particular girl at this time. Not could. Not "want to". Should.
 
I bet if you say "Right, lets not actually have penetrative sex for a month, just do other stuff*" you'd be gagging for it within days. In other words, when the pressure's off, you'll be standing to attention in no time. :) Applespider and FleurDuMal are right – try some other stuff, and I very much doubt she'll be complaining, especially if you make it clear it's not her fault and say you just want to take it easy as you really like her.

*Obviously to be said in a more seductive way :D
 
Lau said:
I bet if you say "Right, lets not actually have penetrative sex for a month, just do other stuff*" you'd be gagging for it within days. In other words, when the pressure's off, you'll be standing to attention in no time. :) Applespider and FleurDuMal are right – try some other stuff, and I very much doubt she'll be complaining, especially if you make it clear it's not her fault and say you just want to take it easy as you really like her.

*Obviously to be said in a more seductive way :D
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I doubt there is a seductive way of saying "penetrative". Not even the French could manage that one :rolleyes:
 
Abstract said:
I love more than any girl I have ever met (except my mum).
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This may have something to do with it. You actually care for her vice just having sex with someone. In other words, this relationship means something to you and you don't want to muck it up.

Stress can have an effect down there as well.

Then again it could be physical.

If you are concerned, which you appear to be, you might want to visit your friendly doctor.
 
A lot of the time, these things are psychological, over physical - especially when the 'patient' is young, and in good health.

You've said you like this girl more than anyone else - that in itself is stressful. It may be subconcious. You like her so much, and its clear shes said she likes you too, you don't want to fall short in the only area you have yet to woo her in. The fact you like her that much is making you nervous - even if you don't want to be.

Or it could be the fact shes just broken up with her boyfriend, and you (as a guy) feel the need to impress, show her she has a good thing going etc.

I could be totally wrong, but a lot of the time its nerves, and trying too (forgive the pun) hard to impress.
 
I think you're fine. I've found that my interest, excitement and willingness to participate are directly proportional to firmness.

Granted I'm 1000% willing most of the time. :D

I think it's time to step back for a moment and reconsider the situation. Your body is telling you something. What would make you hesitant to be with this girl?

I doubt there is a seductive way of saying "penetrative". Not even the French could manage that one
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le coït = penetrative sex ("coitus")

not great, but better than penetrative. :p
 
Thomas Veil said:
Aside from stress, consider any medications you might be on, especially if you've started them recently.
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... or too much booze before the event can do this as well ...
 
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Hey, I don't know much about this, and by much I mean...none, but with my limited knowledge of how 'our' equipment operates here's a suggestion. Try getting some sort of Vitamin that thins your blood. That way more blood will be able to rush in quicker......wait, but then it might be just as easy to rush out. Hmmmm, I guarantee there are plenty of health forums that deal with this. Or in the meantime-go buy some Pills(Viagara) that are oh-so frequently offered in your Junk-Mail!

Or, go to a Nutrionist and get proper Herbal Pills. Not Herbal Pills made by the big drug companies but the real deal herbal pills. These are generally noted by their higher prices!

Oh, here's a suggestion, when I had to take a company medical they thought my blood pressure was too low, so the second time I went I though, Hey I can trick them, so I drank a bunch of coffee. Needless to say they read the results and said, "Did you drink coffee before you got here?":p . So I would think that higher blood pressure, to a certain degree obviously, might help:confused: ??
 
From what I'm aware of, Abstract, it's a pretty common problem. 99% of the time, it's also completely psychological. 88% of statistics are also made up on the spot, but you get the idea.

But seriously though, I've occasionally had problems like what you've just described, only much deeper into a relationship instead of at the beginning ;) Basically, the more you think about it and the more you worry, the more it's gonna happen. Well done on discreetly "losing" the condom too...it can get much worse if the girl finds out the wrong way and takes it the wrong way. However, many girls are understanding too, so if you've got one of the understanding types, it would actually be to your benefit to tell her about it so that you know there's nothing to worry about and she can actually help you.

I have one of the less-understanding types of women, so I've got to be very careful how I explain things when they happen. My favourite, and probably most truthful, explanation is "it's got a mind of its own, and you can't make it do anything it doesn't feeling like doing". Thus, sometimes, it's just not in the mood and there's nothing you can do that will put it in the mood. Women should understand that, since they're usually the ones saying "I don't want to have sex tonight".

As we all know from 40 Year Old Virgin, it is not true that "if you don't use it, you lose it".
 
Could be psychological or something else.
Talk to a doctor and get blood work done. Sometimes certain heart conditions or lung problems cause err... problems
 
Leareth said:
Could be psychological or something else.
Talk to a doctor and get blood work done. Sometimes certain heart conditions or lung problems cause err... problems
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As can certain chemicals dumped into the body during the date ... of course overuse could also be a problem.
 
Abstract said:
I exercise, eat fairly healthy, and generally quite healthy, and this usually isn't a problem for me. I'm thinking about not "choking the chicken" for a few days and let the good Captain take a rest --- some time to think things over.
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You may want to abstain from that particular form of exercise for a while.

Don't show up to a gunfight after using all your ammo on target practice.
 
It's easy to conclude "it's all in my mind," but there are are several physiological reasons that this could be happening. You should go see a medical doctor to help rule out any physical problems that may be causing your trouble. It could be a simple fix. If that's not the problem, then he or she can recommend the counseling or therapy appropriate for you.
 
I don't think it's physical, and I really do think it must be psychological.

And getting an erection now even when she's not around is also difficult. Maybe it's not her. Maybe it's just an unlucky overlap of my body not wanting to, and me and her getting together.

I know it sounds weird when I say it's not a physical problem, and yet even without her, I'm not getting an erection like that *snaps fingers*, but it has happened before. If I were getting erections easily, just not with her, then I guess I'd be more worried. Right now, I don't know. Maybe it's the "new girl" thing. I certainly felt a huge connection with my ex-girlfriend before we had sex, and sex didn't seem to be a problem. However, I know this one is different (better), so maybe that's it. Still doesn't explain why it's more difficult to get an erection even without her being around though.

However, this has happened before she came along. I'll just try living like a monk for awhile and not straining the snake on my own. That certainly won't help.

FleurDuMal said:
I doubt there is a seductive way of saying "penetrative". Not even the French could manage that one :rolleyes:
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Penatraeteev. Ok, I tried.
 
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