Don't know who else to ask...(relationships)

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by danno247, Mar 23, 2008.

  1. danno247 macrumors newbie

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    #1
    I am actually a long time MacRumors reader, but created a new user because I am super paranoid...I basically do not know who to ask about this question and I am looking for advice. I have never asked this type of thing over the internet, and it feels kind of weird but anyway,

    I have been with my current partner for over 6 months now, and I think we would both say it is the most serious relationship we have ever been in. So far everything is going great.......but my partner doesn't want to have sex until she knows she's with "the one". I told her that I completely respect that, and I do. She asked me if it bothered me, I said of course not.

    ....But the truth is, it does.... She is unlike anyone else I have ever met; our compatibility is almost shocking and I am attracted to everything about her (and I know she feels the same). I keep trying to tell myself that it shouldn't matter (and a part of me still believes this) but I can't avoid the fact that it does bother me. I'm not a shallow person, and I know it shouldn't, but it just does.

    So I torn. Do I tell her how I really feel? Should I tell myself that there's always more fish in the sea. I fear that if we break up, I won't meet someone else quite like her. I know a bunch of you are going to scream "sex doesn't mean anything, you're just an insensitive <insert whatever>" and maybe you're right, but no matter what I try to tell myself, it will constantly be emotionally and physically frustrating to me. I can't seem to change that fact.

    I'm 19 years old and I'm a male. Any advice?
     
  2. robanga macrumors 68000

    robanga

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    #2
    Well take this as old fashioned or whatever, but in reality she probably has a very healthy attitude on thing. Physical intimacy causes a certain bonding that hides a lot of other fundamental problems in relationships. People sometimes wonder why they jump from relationship to relationship, its often because in effect they have all these "mini-marriages" to people they are not after all, that compatible with.

    Waiting is almost always a better strategy.

    Its hard though, because let's face it we are biological creations with biological needs and drives. Best advise without knowing your situation in depth is talk with her a lot about it, don't bug her but communicate through it.

    In the end despite the frustration, you may be glad you waited.
     
  3. QuarterSwede macrumors G3

    QuarterSwede

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    #3
    Sounds like your a normal male to me :p

    And coming from a married man of 26 I can tell you that sex does matter BUT your relationship matters even more. I know it's hard to believe that when you have to constrain yourself or you'll jump her. You should definitely be honest with her though. If you can't share your feelings with each other you'll have nothing to base your relationship on if you do ever get married. And listen to robanga. He's right on.
     
  4. danno247 thread starter macrumors newbie

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    Mar 23, 2008
    #4
    Thanks for the quick replies. You're advice is definitely valid.

    I just don't know if that's what I'm looking for at this stage in my life. I'm a freshman in college and marriage isn't even on the radar screen for me. It just seems that fortunately (or unfortunately) I happened to meet someone so incredible.
     
  5. dogtanian macrumors 6502

    dogtanian

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    #5
    Hmm, I wonder what will suddenly change you from some guy to 'the one'?

    Love is always a funny one. As long as you let her know how much she means to you and demonstrate how important you should be to her then it should come with time. Unfortunately humans have needs and sex is pretty important to us guys!

    How long can you realistically wait? Would you be her first if you don't mind me asking?
     
  6. danno247 thread starter macrumors newbie

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    #6
    1). I'm not typically the type to wait around for others, but she is different.

    2). yes
     
  7. Dagless macrumors Core

    Dagless

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    #7
    Pish! I waited 6 months to just get a kiss of the girl I loved. We were only young and very very naive. But I waited. And now it's been 6 years and we've still to have sex, she's a bit religious but said we can get up to all that malarky when we're engaged (which probably won't be long off now we've graduated).

    If she's worth it then wait. Wait any time. A good girl is always worth it :)

    edit: But these things can happen. I wasn't looking for long term material when I got into college but I met my Caroline and everything changed.
     
  8. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

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    #8
    For some people, sex is a part of the relationship. It's not that you're an ******, it's just that you expected the companionship, plus sex. You're not getting the sex, but the companionship is great.

    I'm a bit like you, I think. I'd definitely want to have sex in a relationship. It doesn't have to be immediately. I'd wait 6 months. I may even wait a bit longer. 6+ months of talking and getting to know each other is actually quite a long time. She should have gotten a pretty good idea of what you're like, and she should either be comfortable with you right now.......comfortable enough for the hibbidy-dibbidy.


    If she's doing this for religious reasons, then OK. That's her beliefs.
    If she's waiting for no reason other than "she wants to wait until marriage", that's OK too.

    However, I don't think I'd date either of the religious girl or the one who wants to wait until marriage, because deep down, we probably see things waaaay more different than I truly understand (from a 1st person's perspective). We may be close, and we may get along really well, but there will be fundamental differences with regards to how we see things that will require loads of compromise (and I bet you're going to be doing most of the compromising, since you're doing it already with the "no sex" issue).

    You say she's perfect, but she's obviously not perfect if you're not getting all the elements of a relationship that you feel you SHOULD be getting.
     
  9. Stampyhead macrumors 68020

    Stampyhead

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    #9
    That's true for some things, but to dump the 'perfect' girl because she won't have sex with you for a perfectly valid reason is more than shallow, in my opinion. You've waited 19 years, you can wait a bit longer. Look ahead many years into the future and ask yourself if this is the person you want to be with when you're old and grey and sex doesn't matter anymore. If so then she's worth the wait.
     
  10. juanm macrumors 65816

    juanm

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    #10
    For me the idea of a teenager (be it a boy or a girl) not wanting to have sex is completely abnormal. It goes against the very core of the laws governing the human species.
    Is it only for religious reasons, or is because of fear, or anything else?

    Edit: yeah, dump her.
     
  11. ::Lisa:: macrumors 6502a

    ::Lisa::

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    #11
    Tell her. Withholding your feelings and even considering leaving her because she doesn't want to have sex yet will only cause more harm than good. You sound like you have great, great feelings for this girl, possibly in love with her. My ex boyfriend dumped me because I didn't want to have sex with him. I was actually in love with him also. I can't even begin to explain how devastated I was when he did that to me.

    There is only one way to solve the issue, talk to her, explain everything. I would be hurt if I knew my boyfriend/husband was withholding from me.
     
  12. n00basaur macrumors regular

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    #12
    Dump her.

    You're too young for this kinda crap and need the experience and fun times. Sex is an important part of a relationship. How would she know you're the one at such a young age? Would if turns out that you're not the "the one" to her and wasted all that time? Get real.

    It's okay to put your interests first. Just find someone else.
     
  13. roisin and mac macrumors 6502

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    #13

    I agree with this take on things. People's sexuality and physical intimacy isn't some separate bit completely divorced from companionship, friendship and intimacy, no matter what some people with the proverbial axe to grind might want to make you believe :rolleyes:

    Plus, you're 19 (and a reasonable-sounding 19, at that!), so it's not like you're too young, by any definition--certainly not the legal one. Plus, all that 'the one' stuff--doesn't seem very sensible. I mean, what does 'the one' mean, anyway? You never know who 'the one' is, that's something anyone of us only finds out with hindsight! and a lot of it, like when we're old and decrepit and thinking back on our lives! Then we say <insert querulous old person voice> 'ooh johnny/ kitty was The One, too bad he died in the War/ died in child birth/ married that cow/ran off with that jerk':D. I mean I don't suggest you tell her that straight to her face (not that you sound like you would; you seem rather tactful for that), but it might be a topic for discussion, as it were. There is still something to be said for seizing the day, corny as that sounds. A lot of stuff to do with human relationships is kinda corny, I guess <g>, that doesn't make it bad lol

    Anyway good luck OP. And I hope you find what's best for you and have the courage to go for it :)
     
  14. Iscariot macrumors 68030

    Iscariot

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    #14
    At nineteen you shouldn't be concerned with "never finding another one like her". Compatible sexuality in a relationship is just as important as any other major compatibility issue, and one not to be over-looked for fantastical imaginings of fairy-tale true love and astrologically ordained foreverness. Certainly a harsh lesson many of us have learned through bitter experience.

    All that aside, one of the most basic tenets of a strong relationship is a foundation in honesty. If you're already having difficulty with issues that you want to be honest about because you fear repercussions, you're facing another difficult problem altogether. Certainly some issues will be uncomfortable no matter the quality of the dialogue established, but one shouldn't fear expressing a serious concern on the basis that it may end the relationship. If you are unable to discuss this with your girlfriend in an open manner, then perhaps things are not as picturesque as they seem.
     
  15. danno247 thread starter macrumors newbie

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    Mar 23, 2008
    #15
    Thanks for everyone's advice, seems like the opinions are pretty divided. I've still to make up my mind, but I'm not really in any rush.

    Further input is also appreciated...
     
  16. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

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    #16
    Is it shallow to follow the hormones that already start to act up when you're 12 or 13? How, and why is it shallow to have a natural, physical connection with your partner?

    I feel that the entire idea of abstinence is abnormal, and I agree with Juan Moro. Hormones are naturally there, and make you a horny male who wants sex. In terms of your biological clock, you were probably ready for sex at 13, although due to the way our society is designed, and how much longer we live than we naturally should, we wait because it's actually better.


    Maybe sex won't matter (as much) when you're old and grey, but the OP is not old and grey yet.


    Why can't this girl just end up being a good friend? You don't need to cut her out of your life. You need to talk to her about it. Don't ask her for sex, and don't tell her you "want sex now" like a caveman. Just tell her about how you feel that sex in a relationship is a natural, healthy thing for 2 adults to do.
     
  17. tMac85 macrumors 65816

    tMac85

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    #17
    this may be personal but ill ask anyway...

    have you ever had sex before? will this be your first time?

    for me i know that when i was a freshmen in college everyone around me took the freedom and privacy to the limits and felt the need to grab a girl lock their dorm room, and have all the sex they could handle. I know this isnt the same for you, but i can see maybe the same pressure around you. and if so dont feel the need to apply that to your relationship. there are many other things you can do.

    just be patient and wait.
     
  18. Keebler macrumors 68030

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    #18
    a horny 19 year old! I remember those days! Man, I wanted to get laid all the time!

    BUT, trust me....a relationship is more meaningful. Sure, ppl will say, dump her...get some tail somewhere else blah blah blah.

    Ask those folks when they are single and lonely in their 30s, how they feel then.

    I think you made a mistake when you didn't tell her it bothered you. You should tell her the truth and explain that it's not to put pressure on her or make her feel bad, but that you care for her so much, that you would like to experience that special moment with her. AND, tell her you're willing to wait (assuming you are btw).

    When you mean 'not having sex' - is there any physical contact? hugs, kisses? fooling around? if there's none of that, then maybe she just wants to be friends. My wife and I fooled around big time without doing the nasty for 8 or 9 months. We had alot of fun :)

    good luck,
    Keebler
     
  19. maestro55 macrumors 68030

    maestro55

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    #19
    I am a very paranoid person, so after 6 months if she still didn't think you were "the one" than I probably would have already been out of the relationship, I personally don't like the idea of putting my heart into something that isn't real. If in 6 months and probably numerous dates and evenings together and such she isn't comfortable in knowing that you are the guy that is the one for her in this stage of her life than you may end up with another 6 months and her still being uncertain.

    I second Abstract, I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted to wait for marriage to have sex because that is not my personal belief system I also wouldn't want to invest that much of my time and affection to someone who wasn't serious. There are guys that date just to have a good time or just to have sex, and that is okay for them and there are plenty of women out there who do the same thing. I personally feel that if I am dating someone and investing my time and affection then there should be some hope of a future together, I am not saying I would break up with a girl who had no plans of ever getting married to me but I probably wouldn't get into a serious relationship with someone who didn't want it to be a long-term relationship.

    As mentioned earlier by Robanga some people take part in "mini-marriages" where they think they are madly in love and they move in-together and sleep together and yadda, yadda, yadda but they aren't really meant to be with each other. At the same time, who knows who they are really meant to be with? In your case, I personally would be tempted to say goodbye to her because I don't like my heart broken and if too much time passed and she decided you weren't the one you would be devastated. At the same time if you stay with her you and her may grow old together and there will be plenty of years for making love.

    I am in a similar situation with a girl that I just recently started dating (we have only been on 4 dates). She seems rather distant at times and apparently she recently had a bad break-up with a guy who wasn't certain about what he was looking for and broke up with her after four months. I know what I am looking for, a long-term-relationship, and perhaps while I may not grow old with my first love I have never actually loved a woman before (I thought in the past I did, but I never have). I don't love this girl that I started dating but I have invested a lot in trying to get to know her and with being with her. We met on match.com and she so far has been the only person I have met on that site, the problem is I am too paranoid to know that if after each date there will be another or not, I have a low self-esteem so that doesn't help and so I have to worry each day if she actually finds me attractive, interesting, and worth being with. I am afraid that if I lose her I will have a difficult time finding a woman around here to match her or be better than her. With that said I don't expect her to say I am "the one" anytime soon, but if in 6 months her and I are still dating and we don't love each other I would be likely seek out a different partner.
     
  20. biturbomunkie macrumors 6502a

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    #20
    six months? i ended it before the 16th day. though i must say we didn't have a lot of things in common. also, i'm a somewhat negative/realistic person - i won't involve in any serious commitment if i can see the end from the start. so when i got the "no sex for the next 6 months" speech, i was like, "decision's made!" i know i sound like an a-wipe, and i did understand the whole infatuation part. but what could happen if we weren't gonna be compatible in bed, given that we didn't have much in common already?

    i thought we both knew that it wasn't gonna work since we didn't call each other for days after the talk. about two weeks later; however, i kept getting private calls at odd hours. i picked up the phone one early morning and all i could hear was some distressed yelling and screaming, "are you a ***** player? wtf's that b!tch? i ***** know people!" :eek: (i was "caught" making out w/ someone at a club)

    looking back, i wish i was a bit more upfront when we had the talk. that would probably have saved us some trouble - both mentally and physically. at the same time; however, i'm certain that we both are gonna be okay and will find "the one" since we are still in our early twenties.

    agreed (and you are making me feel bad now :eek:).
     
  21. nikopolidis macrumors regular

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    Dec 21, 2007
    #21
    I will never say that, man!
    I think this situation is a real problem...
    You are dating for more than whole 6 months and you still don't have sex... Then it is a problem. Sex is integral and very important part of relationships, I think.. No sex or any problems with it = no relationships..
    But maybe there is one exclusion that I got just now.. How old is she? :) Is it going to be her first time? Hmmm... Then... Again, it should not stop her is she really in love with you! :rolleyes:
    I think you should talk to her and tell her about the things that troubles you... It will be at least honest.
     
  22. Iscariot macrumors 68030

    Iscariot

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    #22
    If you've ever been in a relationship with "the one" only to find out through sweat, tears and heartbreak that you are intimately incompatible, I think you'd have a different take on it.

    Anyone who says sex is "just sex" is completely full of it. You can have amazing, intimate, and damn-near spiritual sex with someone you just met, and you can have dreadful, heart-wrenching and unfulfilling sex with someone you love more than the air you breath and have been with for years.
     
  23. thecritix macrumors 6502

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    #23
    is this a joke?
     
  24. tMac85 macrumors 65816

    tMac85

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    #24

    Why would that be a joke?
     
  25. Dagless macrumors Core

    Dagless

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    #25
    Nope, sorry I just strive for a deeper relationship than, evidently, most people here.

    And frankly I wouldn't have it any other way. If we're having sex then there is always the possibility of "consequences". We had a worry about that once and it was an emotional nightmare. We're in our early 20's and just finished university so we've got student loans to pay off, big things to save up for etc.
    So it's living in crippling debt or aborting that "consequence" which neither of us would be able to deal with emotionally. Neither of us would truly enjoy sex with that kind of worry hanging over.

    The right partner, the perfect partner will be able to change your life and any plans you had made - for the better.
     

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