Don't know who else to ask...(relationships)

[tMac85]

Nope, sorry I just strive for a deeper relationship than, evidently, most people here.

And frankly I wouldn't have it any other way. If we're having sex then there is always the possibility of "consequences". We had a worry about that once and it was an emotional nightmare. We're in our early 20's and just finished university so we've got student loans to pay off, big things to save up for etc.
So it's living in crippling debt or aborting that "consequence" which neither of us would be able to deal with emotionally. Neither of us would truly enjoy sex with that kind of worry hanging over.

The right partner, the perfect partner will be able to change your life and any plans you had made - for the better.

couldnt agree with you more! Good for you man.

 

[Iscariot]

Nope, sorry I just strive for a deeper relationship than, evidently, most people here.

That's a pretty insulting judgment call.

 

[letsgorangers]

And frankly I wouldn't have it any other way. If we're having sex then there is always the possibility of "consequences". We had a worry about that once and it was an emotional nightmare.

Huh? Pregnancy isn't caused by kissing, you know. You mentioned that you haven't had sex, so how could there have possibly been "a worry about that"?

I probably wouldn't have been so snide about that if it weren't for this:

Nope, sorry I just strive for a deeper relationship than, evidently, most people here.

Wow. Just because someone chooses to have sex doesn't mean they aren't in a loving, committed, "deep" relationship. Get off the no-sex high horse. It's not shallow to admit that sexual compatibility is important in a relationship.

 

[macmama]

For me the idea of a teenager (be it a boy or a girl) not wanting to have sex is completely abnormal. It goes against the very core of the laws governing the human species.

Er, no. Some of us have evolved beyond basic humping instincts, Juan. Come on! There are a lot of really good reasons not to have intercourse, and none of them are abnormal. It's a huge level of intimacy that his girlfriend isn't taking lightly, which is fine.

OP, there is a *lot* you and your GF can do that doesn't involve intercourse. Get creative, show her how much you care about her, and I think you guys will be quite happy! She might change her mind in the future, and she'll respect you all the more for not pressuring her into something she didn't want to do at the time. My now-husband and I held off on certain things on the physical end of our relationship for some time, and it was just the right thing for us, in our situation. We talked about it plenty and were on the same page. We've been together for 10 years now, so a more "cautious" start didn't really hold us back. Best of luck!

 

[Iscariot]

Er, no. Some of us have evolved beyond basic humping instincts, Juan. Come on! There are a lot of really good reasons not to have intercourse, and none of them are abnormal. It's a huge level of intimacy that his girlfriend isn't taking lightly, which is fine.

No, Juan is absolutely correct. Even those who choose not to have sex want to, unless they have some sort of hormonal imbalance. It's not like being abstinent flicks a switch and all of your baser instincts evaporate.

OP, there is a *lot* you and your GF can do that doesn't involve intercourse. Get creative, show her how much you care about her, and I think you guys will be quite happy! She might change her mind in the future, and she'll respect you all the more for not pressuring her into something she didn't want to do at the time. Best of luck!

He wants to have sex. Having a discussion about it isn't applying pressure, it's opening up a topic about one important aspect of the relationship. He'd be lying to her if he didn't express how he feels on the subject. Should he instead delude both himself and her in favour of some moral precept he doesn't agree with? Since when is a lack of communication of wants and desires a good thing?

OP: No matter what you decide, you should talk to her. A good relationship is built on open communication, not burying wants, desires and feelings in favour of "not rocking the boat."

 

[iBlue]

At nineteen you shouldn't be concerned with "never finding another one like her". Compatible sexuality in a relationship is just as important as any other major compatibility issue, and one not to be over-looked for fantastical imaginings of fairy-tale true love and astrologically ordained foreverness. Certainly a harsh lesson many of us have learned through bitter experience.

All that aside, one of the most basic tenets of a strong relationship is a foundation in honesty. If you're already having difficulty with issues that you want to be honest about because you fear repercussions, you're facing another difficult problem altogether. Certainly some issues will be uncomfortable no matter the quality of the dialogue established, but one shouldn't fear expressing a serious concern on the basis that it may end the relationship. If you are unable to discuss this with your girlfriend in an open manner, then perhaps things are not as picturesque as they seem.

^ Summed up so well all I have to say is that I completely agree. (as well as with the posts by Abstract)

 

[Iscariot]

^ Summed up so well all I have to say is that I completely agree. (as well as with the posts by Abstract)

Thanks.

What I find problematic in this thread is the high-horse attitude coming from those who choose abstinence, with moral absolutism as if they are the authority on the issue. Which is all the more ironic when it comes from someone who has never experienced sex in the first place.

Having safe and responsible sex is just as valid a decision as abstaining from sex. Deeming it as something to be shunned or immoral is only going to further complicate the issue and shame people into being dishonest with themselves, and just as importantly, the people they love. Realize that while abstinence is a great choice, so is being intelligent and responsible about your sexuality.

What's most important is dialogue and honesty, both with yourself and with those you care about.

 

[iBlue]

^ we are in agreement, once again.

I just attributed it to grumpiness because they weren't getting any.

 

[skunk]

Having safe and responsible sex is just as valid a decision as abstaining from sex.

And it's much more fun.

 

[macmama]

No, Juan is absolutely correct. Even those who choose not to have sex want to, unless they have some sort of hormonal imbalance. It's not like being abstinent flicks a switch and all of your baser instincts evaporate.

I disagree. I do believe that all of us want some kind of sexual gratification, but engaging in PIV intercourse is NOT the only way to achieve the goal. Do I have to spell this out? You can have a fulfilling emotional AND physical relationship even without intercourse.

I agree with you entirely though that having safe and responsible sex is just as valid a decision as not. However, since the OP's partner doesn't want to do that, it's kind of moot. They need to talk about this and come to some understanding, but unless OP is willing to really take "no" for an answer, I'm afraid he *will* be pressuring her.

And hey, I didn't become macmama by practicing perennial abstinence. I've worn both hats, too.

ETA: this "morals" thing is bugging the crap out of me. When I wasn't having sex, it didn't have anything to do with "morals." It had a lot more to do with my personal boundaries and disease and pregnancy prevention. Please don't equate a woman's personal decisions regarding her body and what she wants to do with it with some sort of religious or "values based" waffle.

 

[Keebler]

^ we are in agreement, once again.

I just attributed it to grumpiness because they weren't getting any.

great quote. choosing not to have sex is fine, but I must say I sure prefer a good romping time to ease the stress of daily life, plus it's fun, it's exercise etc..etc..

i need to call my wife home....

 

[juanm]

I disagree. I do believe that all of us want some kind of sexual gratification, but engaging in PIV intercourse is NOT the only way to achieve the goal. Do I have to spell this out? You can have a fulfilling emotional AND physical relationship even without intercourse.

I disagree with you: I think I'm right.

It reminds me of some muslim girls who choose anal sex because they want to remain virgins... (although I don't know many muslims, my girlfriend knows a little about this, she dated a muslim and spent several months in Egypt). Absurd.

Apart from religious reasons, I don't see why would anybody choose not having sex: both STDs and unwanted pregnancies can easily be prevented.
Fooling yourself and refrain from doing something you admittedly want to do is just... dumb and hypocritical, maybe?.
Sure, the first time is scary for multiple reasons, but after a few times, it gets much better.
Not daring to speak with your partner about something you want to do is, on the other hand, revealing... The OP thinks it's the girl of his life, and yet, she doesn't feel confortable enough to have sex with him... apart from the obvious communication problem "Do I tell her how I really feel?", something's wrong.

 

[NAG]

I agree that being honest is the right thing to do here.

About the comment stating that sex increases the bond two people have with each other (which is real and can be described biologically) and therefore should be delayed, I take issue.

Okay, obviously I don't think you should go having sex with the first person that moves. You should get to know that person first and form a healthy relationship with them that is not dependent upon sex. How long will that take? Varies, trust is a hard thing to describe.

So whats after that step? Some say sex after marriage. Now, for me that trivializes what marriage is about. It turns it into a step to get sex. Talk about "mini marriages." You should know all about the other person before you ever go to marriage. That includes sex.

Anyway, back to the real subject since this isn't about marriage...you should be honest with everyone involved (including yourself, ).

 

[juanm]

Nope, sorry I just strive for a deeper relationship than, evidently, most people here.

Really? How's that? I met my current girlfriend in high school in 2000. She quickly became my best friend. We started dating in october 2005 (five years later). I've known her for eight years now. We've a cat, and will probably spend a huge part of our lives together. I get along very well with all her family, we talk about everything. Is this a shallow and superficial relationship for you because we have sex? (I won't speak on her behalf, but I certainly enjoy it a lot, btw )

If we're having sex then there is always the possibility of "consequences". We had a worry about that once and it was an emotional nightmare. We're in our early 20's and just finished university so we've got student loans to pay off, big things to save up for etc.
So it's living in crippling debt or aborting that "consequence" which neither of us would be able to deal with emotionally. Neither of us would truly enjoy sex with that kind of worry hanging over.

Maybe this is too much information, but at the beginning we used protection (on the top of her taking the Pill). After two months, or so (and despite my fear of needles) we took blood STD tests, and upon getting the tests results, stopped using condoms. There are responsible ways to do things.
I know that some institutions want youngsters to stop having sex as a proof of obedience, but taking the right precautions the odds of an unwanted pregnancy are extremely low. There's a pill to prevent the conception to happen, which has to be taken 24 hours after the accident happens. Can you get it in the US? In France it's called Norlevo.

 

[macmama]

Apart from religious reasons, I don't see why would anybody choose not having sex: both STDs and unwanted pregnancies can easily be prevented.
Fooling yourself and refrain from doing something you admittedly want to do is just... dumb and hypocritical, maybe?.

It doesn't matter if you don't "see why" as it's the business of no one but the OP and his girlfriend. The OP wants to do it; his GF does not. There is nothing dumb or hypocritical about either position. Communication is obviously going to be key for these two to figure out a compromise or solution to the "problem."

I am just totally astounded that there are people on this board who assume that a teenage girl is weird or abnormal for wanting to hold off on sex. I'm not even going to touch the heterosexism that accompanies some of these posts with a 10 foot pole. People need to stop assuming that everyone wants the exact same things out of a relationship at all stages. Thankfully the OP doesn't seem to be nearly so close-minded.

 

[Mord]

Be honest with her, just don't pressure her.

I slept with my first love two days after meeting her and we're still completely besotted with each other, if we hadn't I doubt we'd be nearly so close, being intimate with someone breaks down allot of barriers though it depends entirely on the kind of sex you have, my main desire is to grow closer with my partners, a while back I went home with a girl pretty much with the explicit intention of having sex with her, she was shocked when I wanted to just snuggle up in bed, we just talked for hours.

Raw lust is all well and good but I don't think any healthy relationship can be just that.

 

[Antares]

I have to agree with a lot of the other people here. Be honest and open. Talk with her about it and what you're feeling. Keeping it to yourself may cause issues in the long run.

Even if she's firm on waiting, she may be open to "helping you out" in other ways...But she'll never know what you're feeling if you don't bring it up.

 

[Iscariot]

I disagree. I do believe that all of us want some kind of sexual gratification, but engaging in PIV intercourse is NOT the only way to achieve the goal. Do I have to spell this out? You can have a fulfilling emotional AND physical relationship even without intercourse.

I agree with you entirely though that having safe and responsible sex is just as valid a decision as not. However, since the OP's partner doesn't want to do that, it's kind of moot. They need to talk about this and come to some understanding, but unless OP is willing to really take "no" for an answer, I'm afraid he *will* be pressuring her.

And hey, I didn't become macmama by practicing perennial abstinence. I've worn both hats, too.

ETA: this "morals" thing is bugging the crap out of me. When I wasn't having sex, it didn't have anything to do with "morals." It had a lot more to do with my personal boundaries and disease and pregnancy prevention. Please don't equate a woman's personal decisions regarding her body and what she wants to do with it with some sort of religious or "values based" waffle.

You're combining two separate issues. To begin with, you're agreeing with me. Everyone wants sexual gratification. The second issue is one of assigning morals, which is something being done in a very cavalier fashion by some, and not an accusation I was leveling at you. I made it clear that I value the decision of abstinence equally on its own merits, but that assigning morality to it not only seems to disagree with the situation at hand, but also devalues those who have made educated sexual decisions; which is something we both seem to be advocating.

 

[Craigtimms]

I wouldnt say i speak on behalf of the british chaps here, but in my many experiences of life so far.. ive never met a girl that didnt like a bit of sex!

I waited until i was comfortable in a relationship before i got it on.. i was about 17 was with the said girl for about 6 months.. before anything carnal happened it's cool man.. just take it easy..


But this girl then ripped my heart out and ive pretty much been a dirty bag of carrots since .

My point is.. fair play to her if she wants to wait for 'the one'. I hope she realises that you can be the one

but y'know.. its not as if THE ONE comes wrapped up with a golden halo and you know in your mind that it will never ever ever be anyone else.. i believe you can fall in love with anyone, fall in and out of love.

If you have these amazing feelings for her.. then respect her thoughts - but you should mention to her that it does bother you.. because to you know its right.. it feels right.. and it will feel alright

Dont forget about the foreplay though my man.. sometimes it can be the best bits too!

 

[macmama]

The second issue is one of assigning morals, which is something being done in a very cavalier fashion by some, and not an accusation I was leveling at you.

Cool, cool. Just the thought of someone thinking I take any kind of "moral high ground" is a little amusing to me, is all. It does seem that we agree on several issues!

After two months, or so (and despite my fear of needles) we took blood STD tests, and upon getting the tests results, stopped using condoms. There are responsible ways to do things.

BTW Juan, just so you are aware (I wasn't aware of this myself until very recently), HPV cannot be detected via blood screening, like the other "big ones" can.