Ex GF with drug problems, help.

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by rei101, Mar 26, 2012.

  1. rei101 macrumors 6502a

    Dec 24, 2011
    OK people, here is my situation. I need realistic and mature advice only.

    I was dating this girl last year, the funniest, cutest, hot, lovely girl ever. Of course, those are the thing you see when you like someone.

    I want to make the story short. She is 26, cuban. She escaped the island on her own at 23. She got some fake documentation to get on board of a plane that left her in some Caribbean island, from there she had to take boat and even walk over night with a back pack on a inhabited island to catch another boat that passed by. Pretty much a situation like the movie Mid night express.

    She got to Miami to some guys house, she was abused and moved from there.

    Any way. She is only child, she made some bad friends and she is into cocaine. When I met her I felt her she was on and off in her mind. She was hit by her father who was an alcoholic back in Cuba, that is why she escaped. Now, after several months I realized she suffers from borderline personality disorder.

    She has a friend who put her into cocaine, a girl. I didn't know her. As I was getting to know (lets call my ex gf "S"), I realized that she just made any sort of friendship. First time away from home, no family around, she got just this bad company.

    She moved with me and left after 2 weeks when I realized all the disaster between parties and crazy friends and very conflictive and stressed out. That was around September last year.

    Ok... today she is more into cocaine, she got together with a man who is about 50 years old, a sugar daddy. That was after she saw me in St. Patrick with another girl.

    the ting is that I know she will contact me again after she hit rock button with this man or sooner.

    I have 2 choices...

    1. I can move on and leave her alone, I know any of her friends will take her and the ones will take advantage of her: drugs for sex.

    2. Take her and put her into rehab. She has no professional title in the US. She was lovely last year but she took the wrong path for loneliness and ingenuity. Taking her would imply to bring her to my place, I am 37.

    Now... I live in Miami and I do not know how to fin the appropriate assistance because I called some centers already and they are around $33K for 4 months.

    1. I will need a place for drug treatment
    2. Therapist and psychiatric help.

    I can cover the therapist and psychiatric but I have no clue about dealing with someone under those circumstances and I would need counseling.

    If I find all those tools I would feel prepared to take her because I know she will contact me eventually. I was her only actual friend but she got convinced to go with her other girl and party and I led her to have her "experience". But as she suffers from depressions, instead of realizing things, she convert herself with drugs and now this new "father figure". The worst thing is that she posted a picture of her with him in her facebook page and you bet the horror and the deception of all her contacts, she literally went nuts. Just a week after she saw me with the other girl.

    Any way, how do I find professional help around the Miami area? and I need free help, government or something. I have no clue about that world.

    Thank you.
  2. Tomorrow macrumors 604


    Mar 2, 2008
    Always a day away
    Unless you enjoy having your heart repeatedly broken and your bank account bled dry, I would choose Option 1.
  3. eawmp1 macrumors 601


    Feb 19, 2008
    While you can give her names of resources, until SHE decides she wants to be clean, you can't fix her.

    Her drug use need not create 2 victims.
  4. 0dev macrumors 68040


    Dec 22, 2009

    Also one must wonder why a person would come to an Apple forum of all places to get help on this issue...
  5. rei101 thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Dec 24, 2011
    That is the sort of comment I was referring at first. And because I know there are people around here who have experience in life besides computers. I do not want to fall into that debate so cut it out.
  6. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6


    Aug 17, 2007
    A local church might be able to direct you to a place that can provide low cost treatment.

    That said, however, I have to agree with Tomorrow and eawmp1.
  7. rei101 thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Dec 24, 2011
    Totally agreed, that is why I am preparing myself first with the info and see if I can or not do anything, and if I can how far I can go. I can point her to the right direction and give her the information only and that is it.

    Or I can be this huge elevated spiritual person (witch I am not) and take care of everything personally.

    For sure I wont be her BF, but just a friend or someone keeping distance.

    But I need info in how to deal with someone like that first and then I will see if I can.
  8. scottness macrumors 65816


    Mar 18, 2009
    Room 101
    Walk away. If she really wants help, she can get it in her own time. You can't help if she's not ready.

    You have a good heart--this can facilitate the beginnings of your heart's demise.
  9. rei101 thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Dec 24, 2011
    Thank you, sorry but I am blurred regarding the situation, I rather receiving advices from scratch.
  10. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6


    Aug 17, 2007
  11. eawmp1 macrumors 601


    Feb 19, 2008
    Is it you with the problem? :confused:

    I'd Google Nar-Anon and attend a meeting in your area. It is a support group for those with loved ones with substance abuse problems.
  12. leekohler macrumors G5


    Dec 22, 2004
    Chicago, Illinois
    As someone with an alcoholic ex-boyfriend, don't walk away- run.

    If she admits to a drug problem and asks for help, great. But you can't fix her. She has to do it.
  13. LethalWolfe macrumors G3


    Jan 11, 2002
    Los Angeles
    Until she hits bottom and wants to truly get help there's nothing you can do for her.

    A family I grew up with had a child that went down a dark path with drugs and they tried rehab, letting her move back home to get off the streets, etc., but she just ended up stealing things from the house and selling them for drugs. The hardest thing they did, and they best thing they did for her, was to kick her out and change the locks. She eventually hit rock bottom and that was the turning point. She's been drug free for years now, went back to college to get a degree, has a steady job, etc., but she had to hit rock bottom first. She had to want to change enough to make it happen. No external force is going to be enough to overcome the addiction if the person doesn't want to fight for it themselves.

  14. zigzagg321 macrumors 6502

    Oct 7, 2011
    the wire
    walk away now. It will only hurt you if you stay involved.
  15. Peterkro macrumors 68020


    Aug 17, 2004
    Communard de Londres
    If she asks for help help her,if she doesn't leave her alone.I am a bit worried about your "I realised she has Borderline Personality disorder" given that most Psychiatrists would be hard pressed to recognise BPD without considerable face time with the person I wouldn't be too quick at judgement.
  16. iSaint macrumors 603


    May 26, 2004
    South Mississippi y'all, near the water!
    I will agree with others that have said to walk away. She will be the only one to make the decision to accept help; and, no matter how you think you're helping, it will cause you much pain. I lost a wife of 21 years to alcohol. She lost the kids as I have full custody. Only then, losing her children after three stints in rehab and thousands of dollars spent, did she decide to quit drinking. Even now, I'm not sure, but she gets the kids every other weekend and seems sober...she's kept a job, made her support payments, etc.

    I realize you don't have the family situation invested as I did, but you will look back and appreciate the fact that you stayed away. There are plenty of beautiful, healthy women out there!
  17. maflynn Moderator


    Staff Member

    May 3, 2009
    Move on,

    Only she can clean herself out and only when she's ready. While it may be painful, she's responsible for her own actions and while its commendable that you want to help her. She may not be at that point of wanting the help.
  18. rei101 thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Dec 24, 2011
    I just sent her an friendly email.

    Saying hello, how are you? I had a great weekend. I will be around, you know.

    Take care.

    And that is it.

    I actually feel better being friendly and letting the door open just if she wants to open up, she had tried before but I was more into returning into the love relationship and I was not aware of the actual problems.

    I do feel better now, that is as far as I can go. If she wants to tell me something in a week or 2 month from here it is ok, and we will see from there. Still, I feel fine with moving on.
  19. rhett7660 macrumors G4


    Jan 9, 2008
    Sunny, Southern California
    I don't think we can it enough... Walk/Run.... away!
  20. Shrink macrumors G3


    Feb 26, 2011
    New England, USA
    Much too complex a problem for you to fix. You can't make anyone want to change. When she is ready, then rehab might help...knowing that relapses are pretty much the rule, rather than the exception..

    OP: I am curious as to your use of the diagnosis of "borderline personality disorder". If you know anything about what that means, then you would know to run for the hills. Where did you get that diagnosis, or did you read it somewhere? I would be careful slinging around clinical diagnoses, unless you are in the profession, and probably not even then.

    I have treated, or attempted to treat, a number of serious borderlines, and I'm here to tell you that even for a very experienced professional, that is a diagnostic group that scares the crap out of me.
  21. Aragornii macrumors 6502

    Jun 25, 2010
    Sounds like you're hung up on this girl, not wanting to let go and making up excuses to be involved in her life; assigning pure motivations to yourself as a hero and savior when in fact your behavior is a little creepy. Add to that you're more than 10 years older than she is and that doubles the creep factor.
  22. eric/ Guest


    Sep 19, 2011
    Ohio, United States
    Or he cares about her well being? Age is just a number.
  23. ravenvii macrumors 604


    Mar 17, 2004
    Melenkurion Skyweir
    Well, technically, playing by the half-plus-7 rule, their ages pass the test... barely, but still passes.
  24. Angelo95210 macrumors 6502a


    Jan 7, 2009
    Paris, France
    I would help her. You might not know why you do that, you might be wrong at the end to have done this but you will feel good. I would feel awful to abandon her. I know my advice is different from the guys above but I do my best to help people when they need it.

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