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Friends... with benefits?

Have you ever been a friend with benefits?

  • Of course... hasn't eveyone?

    Votes: 49 39.2%

  • Once or twice and I regret it.

    Votes: 16 12.8%

  • I haven't but I would if given the opportunity.

    Votes: 32 25.6%

  • Definitely not... who wants the cow when you give the milk away for free?

    Votes: 28 22.4%
  • Total voters
    125
wimic

wimic

macrumors regular
Original poster
Aug 24, 2006
235
0
calgary, alberta
Hi All,

just wanted to get your take on the friends with benefits situation. i'm currently involved with a guy who i really (really) like and who really (really) likes me back. the catch is (and there always is a catch) that he literally doesn't have enough time to be in a relationship with me. between school and work and the sports and he's involved with, he's lucky if he has enough time to get a good nights' sleep.

so here we are, seeing eachother when we can and when we do it's inevitably very lusty. i know he can't give me what i need in terms of an exclusive relationship but i don't have it in me to cut all ties with him because i like being around him so much... even if it is only once or twice a week.

any comments?


Update:
We chatted Friday about things and we're not going to do the FWB thing. We have feelings for eachother and we don't want to make the break harder than it has to be. We're just going to be friends.

Thanks for all your advice guys - it's much appreciated! It was interesting to see the results of the poll too!

(Thanks iBlue!)
 
Get yo' sexy on! (Go 'head, be gone wit' it!)

Seriously though, you have to decide if the relationship you have with him is satisfying enough. You're a little vague towards the end so I can't decide if he's basically just with you but only infrequently due to being so busy or if you mean he isn't "exclusive" (i.e. he's seeing other girls). But what it really boils down to is can you be satisfied with the relationship as it stands now? If you NEED more time and he just can't give it, then maybe it's best to end things. If you would LIKE more time but find the time you do have to be pleasant, then why stop?
 
I've nothing against FWB's just make sure he's not just using you for that alone.

Remember it's your life though and do what you think is right. If you want to continue being a FWB then do so. If you don't then don't.

Also if you meet someone else who you like then don't put them off for this guy. You can always find time for something you really want, if you don't then you don't really want it. (besides around finals time because that's a different kettle of fish, education always comes first.)
 
killmoms said:
Get yo' sexy on! (Go 'head, be gone wit' it!)

Seriously though, you have to decide if the relationship you have with him is satisfying enough. You're a little vague towards the end so I can't decide if he's basically just with you but only infrequently due to being so busy or if you mean he isn't "exclusive" (i.e. he's seeing other girls). But what it really boils down to is can you be satisfied with the relationship as it stands now? If you NEED more time and he just can't give it, then maybe it's best to end things. If you would LIKE more time but find the time you do have to be pleasant, then why stop?
Click to expand...

I'd like all the time I can get with him to be honest... I think he's amazing. He tells me that he feels the same way but he just can't offer me what I want right now. The understanding I have is that we're exclusively dating, but I think that's kind of an oxymoron... the idea of dating is that it isn't exclusive isn't it? How confusing.
 
wimic said:
...i know he can't give me what i need...
Click to expand...

This is the part of your post that is the most worrying to me. If what you need is an exclusive, committed relationship, and he cannot provide that for you, then this relationship is less healthy than it otherwise could be, because the scales aren't even. He is getting exactly what he wants, it seems, while you are left with less than you desire. This disharmony can cause real problems in a relationship.


As for the poll, I could never be a friend with benefits. My personal beliefs on sexual intimacy preclude it from ever being something I would do.
 
tobefirst said:
This is the part of your post that is the most worrying to me. If what you need is an exclusive relationship, and he cannot provide that for you, then this relationship is less healthy than it otherwise could be, because the scales aren't even. He is getting exactly what he wants, it seems, while you are left with less than you desire.

....
Click to expand...
What a person needs in a relationship can still be separated from what a person needs sexually. The two aren't always intrinsically linked.
 
if you're comfortable with the situation and so it the other individual, sure.
but the key is being totally open and honest with yourself and the other person involved so that things don't get misconstrued.
 
Wimic, it sounds like you two are lovers, not "friends with benefits". I consider "friends with benefits" to be two people that want the naughty time w/o emotional baggage. In your case, it seems that you both care for one another, but time constraints have gotten in the way. In this case, being lovers is a non-comittal way of being together.:)
 
I enjoy the long term stuff of a long term relationship more than the physical side. They're both ace. I just can't have one without the other :eek: but if you're happy doing it then stick to it, just be careful is all!
 
MacHipster said:
Wimic, it sounds like you two are lovers, not "friends with benefits". I consider "friends with benefits" to be two people that want the naughty time w/o emotional baggage. In your case, it seems that you both care for one another, but time constraints have gotten in the way. In this case, being lovers is a non-comittal way of being together.:)
Click to expand...

haha, "lovers" is not a word you hear much anymore. It reminds me of the way people talked in 70's flicks or maybe something someone from Europe would say :)

I do agree completely with you though, its sounds like they are lovers. Nothing wrong with that :cool:
 
just by how you describe him already, i can tell that he's more to you than just a "friend with benefits". the question is, would he describe you like that?
 
twoodcc said:
just by how you describe him already, i can tell that he's more to you than just a "friend with benefits". the question is, would he describe you like that?
Click to expand...

+1

It does sounds like you've got the short end of the stick.
As long as you think that this won't hurt you in the end, anything is fine.
 
Nope... just really not a good idea.

I had a best friend who we decided to go down the FWB route...

Now we haven't spoken in 4 years. Just really, really not a good plan.

Friends who like each other enough to have benefits should really consider whether they've got enough to have anything more. Unless you're able to throw away emotions relatively easily, it's pretty tough to be able to continue with the friends - post benefit - when the friend meets his/her soulmate.
 
Sounds fun. I haven't gone through this situation, but I wouldn't mind it (and if I was single). However, if you do have genuine feelings for each other, and you have made no commitment to each other, think about this nasty situation: What if you find out that he started seeing another girl casually, or found himself with more free time and started dating another girl?

If you'd be absolutely heartbroken and would be shattered for days, maybe it's not a good idea to screw with your emotions now. ;)
 
been there, done that. not exactly my kind of thing.

the first rule of f-bud is not to have feelings for that person (and it sounds like you've already violated that). would you be pissed if he slept w/ someone else instead of you when he's free? how would you feel if he had the time to have a relationship w/ another person, but yet sleep w/ you from time to time?

i have used that "no time" excuse in the past as well. but honestly, we make time for people that we care.
 
BiTurboMunkie said:
i have used that "no time" excuse in the past as well. but honestly, we make time for people that we care.
Click to expand...

I completely disagree. This falls under the umbrella of thinking "all you need is love" to sustain a relationship, and it simply doesn't work that way. People need an individual means of determining their self-worth, and sometimes maintaining that self-worth means you don't have time, even for the people that you care about.

Wimic, the question that needs to be raised is this: is he telling you he doesn't have enough time for a relationship because on some level he wants to maintain a level of "availability", or is it an earnest expression of feelings that he would give you what he needed if he could, but is acknowledging both to you and himself that he cannot? If it's the latter, it's not really friends with benefits, it's more like making the best of a situation that can't be otherwise.
 
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