Wait to have sex 'til marriage? That's like waiting to eat 'til dinner time!
Man, I've been snacking all day.
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Friends... with benefits?
- Thread starter wimic
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Man, I've been snacking all day.
It doesn't sound like a healthy situation. It sounds like you are in love with him and he isn't in love with you, but still likes the sex part -- like he's basically using you for sex and then giving you timing excuses for not giving you the relationship you seek.
Like others have said, if you were this important to him he would make time. He would cut out some of the sports, or anything else that's not crucial.
If you also didn't care about him it wouldn't really matter . But you *do* care about him, and he is giving you nothing back. Sounds like a slippery slope -- be careful with this guy.
A good way to find out if he only wants you for sex or actually cares about you is to invite him to activities that will definitely *not* involve sex, and see if he will accept or have one of his timing excuses ready. E.g., hiking with friends, museum visit, gallery opening, coffee, wine tasting, rock concert, trip to the mall, walk the dog together, help a friend move, etc.
Another good way to find out if he cares about you is to check if he is willing to meet the people who are important to you (your best friend, brother, roommate, mom, aunt, neighbor, etc), and also whether he ever introduces you to the people who are important in his life -- and if he does, does he introduce you as his girlfriend, or just as a "friend"?
Also... does he bring you along to social things he cares about? Are you invited to his sporting events, bar hopping with his best friends, coffee with his brother, etc? If he was invited to a wedding or Thanksgiving dinner, would he bring you as his date, or go by himself?
Those are good questions to ask yourself to see if he is sincere about you or not. Given that you really like him I don't think this will work if you determine he is not very sincerely interested in you as a person. Just remember that even if he seems like the most awesome person in the world right now, a year from now you might ask yourself "how could I possibly have been so much in love with THAT dude?", and you and your girlfriends will be laughing about him -- especially as you see him give his timing excuses to the next girl he dates.
Good luck!!
Like others have said, if you were this important to him he would make time. He would cut out some of the sports, or anything else that's not crucial.
If you also didn't care about him it wouldn't really matter . But you *do* care about him, and he is giving you nothing back. Sounds like a slippery slope -- be careful with this guy.
A good way to find out if he only wants you for sex or actually cares about you is to invite him to activities that will definitely *not* involve sex, and see if he will accept or have one of his timing excuses ready. E.g., hiking with friends, museum visit, gallery opening, coffee, wine tasting, rock concert, trip to the mall, walk the dog together, help a friend move, etc.
Another good way to find out if he cares about you is to check if he is willing to meet the people who are important to you (your best friend, brother, roommate, mom, aunt, neighbor, etc), and also whether he ever introduces you to the people who are important in his life -- and if he does, does he introduce you as his girlfriend, or just as a "friend"?
Also... does he bring you along to social things he cares about? Are you invited to his sporting events, bar hopping with his best friends, coffee with his brother, etc? If he was invited to a wedding or Thanksgiving dinner, would he bring you as his date, or go by himself?
Those are good questions to ask yourself to see if he is sincere about you or not. Given that you really like him I don't think this will work if you determine he is not very sincerely interested in you as a person. Just remember that even if he seems like the most awesome person in the world right now, a year from now you might ask yourself "how could I possibly have been so much in love with THAT dude?", and you and your girlfriends will be laughing about him -- especially as you see him give his timing excuses to the next girl he dates.
Good luck!!
Not really. I work full time and go to school full time. On most days I have very little free time. Maybe about an hour. On days where I only have to work or only have school, sleep, chores, laundry, groceries, etc. are priorities. The only real time I get to spend with my friends are rare weekend days where I don't work.
It is possible to be so busy friends and girlfriends are near the bottom of the priority list and friends are always ahead of girlfriends. Some of us just have more commitments than others. I do care for my friends, but paying for school and graduating is more important than friends right now.
**** the mind games, just ask him. Asking someone to give up someone to give up part of their life so you can have a more satisfying relationship is selfish.
She has to make a choice, either accept what has been given, or move on.
I suppose it depends on the situation BUT I do NOT agree that you need to be in a relationship to enjoy sex. Sure, that's the ideal, (a relationship) but it's not a requirement to have and enjoy sex.
All of this said however, I would not do the "Friends with benefits" thing with a friend I was worried about losing. It works better when it's a more casual friendship than a good, long-term friend; that can get too complicated.
Both people need to understand and accept the situation for what it is - Sex without attachment. If there's even a hint of resentment or jealousy, maybe it's not such a good idea.
I slept with my best friend once. It just happened. He and I kind of had a "whoa, did that just happen?" moment and decided not to let it screw up our friendship. I never would have continued that way because the friendship meant too much to us both.
I digress.
FWB means to me:
"Person I am willing to f***, that I dont have to date nor pay $ for, whenever I am in a lull between 'lovers' and need to get laid. "
Seriosly though. I don't do FWB. Don't really agree for me personally.
and think the term F*** Buddies is more honest than friends with benefits from what the OP is describing.
"Person I am willing to f***, that I dont have to date nor pay $ for, whenever I am in a lull between 'lovers' and need to get laid. "
Seriosly though. I don't do FWB. Don't really agree for me personally.
and think the term F*** Buddies is more honest than friends with benefits from what the OP is describing.
if you're both happy basically being f*** buddies then what's the harm. enjoy
but hey, i wouldn't mind one or two either...
i guess i am too nice a guy.
Yes.
There are those I play with (BDSM), those I consider "friends with benefits", there are my girlfriends and there are those who are in multiple categories.
Being the massive hedonist that I am I have no problem with it and seeing as my multiple girlfriends work on the same principles they have no problem with it either as long as everything is nice and safe.
There are those I play with (BDSM), those I consider "friends with benefits", there are my girlfriends and there are those who are in multiple categories.
Being the massive hedonist that I am I have no problem with it and seeing as my multiple girlfriends work on the same principles they have no problem with it either as long as everything is nice and safe.
I'm happy with friends with benifits. Had a couple of the last couple of months.
The relationship I'm in now developed from a "friend with benefits".
The relationship I'm in now developed from a "friend with benefits".
I've had a FWB, and we both knew it was just for the fun of it. She's recently gotten into a relationship, but she talked to me about it first. I was cool with it. Sex can be intimate loving etc, but it can also be some real good fun
i think he answered a question of yours from another thread
I had a huge breakfast. Dinner wasn't bad, but dessert was the icing on the cake
i think he answered a question of yours from another thread
I had a huge breakfast. Dinner wasn't bad, but dessert was the icing on the cake
We're not waiting for marriage, me and Caroline are waiting till we're engaged. But I'm under obligation (since our first kiss was on a hillside overlooking a river during a sunset on Easter sunday
) to make it a damn good proposal.Semi-Old Fashioned?
I'm pretty sure that it's the latter. he's not seeing anyone else... we've decided that we would be exclusive. it's just a ****** situation i think.
Thanks to everyone for their advice - it's very helpful!
That's a tough one...
here's what i can gather. he's met my whole family (kind of a consequence of me living with my grandmother... the family's always around). i've met his parents and he came with me to my parents 25th anniversary party. we always do things that don't involve sex (ie. bowling, movies, minigolf, etc.) and he says (in hiw own words) that he really likes me. the sport that he's in means a lot to him and he's been in it for years upon years. he's very competitive (not just for recreation)... he's been to national tournaments and his team relies on him a lot to be there and be reliable.
it's so confusing.
we've talked about it a number of times and he insists that he's interested but he can only give so much right now. there are no mind games i assure you... it just seems to me that sometimes actions speak louder than words.
i believe in personal space, and making time for someone doesn't mean you need to be w/ him/her 24/7. in any case, if "individual means" = "me > you," then i'd most likely keep that individual as an acquaintance.
part of college/being an adult is about time management. i've had FT work + FT school before and i know it's not easy. but at least three of my classmates are working FT w/ FT school, or working PT w/ an overloaded school schedule. they seem to be having stable relationships (mind you classes are all hardcore sciences). if you frequent MR, chances are you HAVE time!
exactly my point! we always make time for people that we care about! let "people" be family, friends, gf/bf or yourself!
wimic, seems like you have decided. good luck 'n enjoy!
I suppose some in India with arranged marriages do as do most people in Islamic nations.
Us heathens in the West bump uglies like bunny rabbits.
We're not waiting for marriage, me and Caroline are waiting till we're engaged. But I'm under obligation (since our first kiss was on a hillside overlooking a river during a sunset on Easter sunday
Semi-Old Fashioned?
Ha ha! Close enough!
I suppose some in India with arranged marriages do as do most people in Islamic nations.
Us heathens in the West bump uglies like bunny rabbits.
Not all of us do.
I don't see it as just a physical pleasure. For me it's much more than physical, and I'm very happy to say that I've experienced it only with the love of my life, the mother of my child and my eternal companion. And yes, those are all the same woman.
But to each their own, this is simply my choice.
Just snacking, eh? No one to cook you dinner?
Most health officials say masturbation is actually quite healthy, so I say snack on!
I don't see it as just a physical pleasure. For me it's much more than physical, and I'm very happy to say that I've experienced it only with the love of my life, the mother of my child and my eternal companion. And yes, those are all the same woman.
Ned? Ned Flanders? Is that you?
I suppose some in India with arranged marriages do as do most people in Islamic nations.
Us heathens in the West bump uglies like bunny rabbits.
And it's any wonder why STD's are on the rise...
As well as that I wouldn't want to degrade sex until it becomes just a regular passtime, I'd much rather hone all that into 1 amazing relationship. That said not everyone can be as lucky and find the person they want to spend the rest of their life with at such a young age.
you get to see him once or twice a week? jeesh I barely see my fiancee that often with our crazy work schedules, and we live together!
My point is a relationship can and in some ways should be moderate amounts of time. If you devote every moment to someone and are with them all the time you don't get to grow as a person. I think once or twice a week is a perfectly good amount of time to be in a relationship and make it work. In other words, if he doesn't want to be in an exclusive relationship forget about it.
Dating is and is not exclusive up to a point. I think its fine to have a first date with a different person each day of the week, but after a few dates with someone I think it should start to be exclusive, I don't think a fresh relationship would work well if one of the members is dating on the side.
I personally wouldn't have sex unless the relationship was exclusive.
About the friends with benefits thing... that doesn't seem to fit, because it seems like you are together, and not just friends. I don't have a problem with friends with benefits if the 2 in question are merely that and are not dating on the side. But it doesn't seem like you two are in that situation.
Just my thoughts.
My point is a relationship can and in some ways should be moderate amounts of time. If you devote every moment to someone and are with them all the time you don't get to grow as a person. I think once or twice a week is a perfectly good amount of time to be in a relationship and make it work. In other words, if he doesn't want to be in an exclusive relationship forget about it.
Dating is and is not exclusive up to a point. I think its fine to have a first date with a different person each day of the week, but after a few dates with someone I think it should start to be exclusive, I don't think a fresh relationship would work well if one of the members is dating on the side.
I personally wouldn't have sex unless the relationship was exclusive.
About the friends with benefits thing... that doesn't seem to fit, because it seems like you are together, and not just friends. I don't have a problem with friends with benefits if the 2 in question are merely that and are not dating on the side. But it doesn't seem like you two are in that situation.
Just my thoughts.
Ned? Ned Flanders? Is that you?
No, I'm afraid not. There's no way I could grow such an awesome porn 'stache.
I definitely count myself very lucky to have found my wife at such an early age.
Just snacking, eh? No one to cook you dinner?
Most health officials say masturbation is actually quite healthy, so I say snack on!
No, my cook was here all day
We chatted Friday about things and we're not going to do the FWB thing. We have feelings for eachother and we don't want to make the break harder than it has to be. We're just going to be friends.
Thanks for all your advice guys - it's much appreciated! It was interesting to see the results of the poll too!
-Wimic
Thanks for all your advice guys - it's much appreciated! It was interesting to see the results of the poll too!
-Wimic
At 47, now and have been married twice, divorced in 03, I am single but have no interest in sex with a friend at all, I prefer a solid relationship