I don't know if my brother is stupid or what. Here how it goes, one day they had a fight with his girlfriend and it came to the point that his girlfriend let her choose between her or his online games. And I was so shocked that he chose his online game!
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Games or me
- Thread starter Stella Martin
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maflynn
macrumors Broadwell
Maybe their relationship was poor, maybe he wasn't happy, maybe its his life and he chose what makes him happy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Gutwrench
Suspended
Scepticalscribe
macrumors Haswell
Under the circumstances, I am not so sure that there is much of a future in that relationship.
whooleytoo
macrumors 604
Sounds like it's for the best.
If I were in a relationship with someone who always favoured their hobbies over me, I'd probably break up with them.
If I were in a relationship with someone who gave me an ultimatum - stop doing something I really enjoy; I'd certainly break up with them.
Probably everyone's a winner.
If I were in a relationship with someone who always favoured their hobbies over me, I'd probably break up with them.
If I were in a relationship with someone who gave me an ultimatum - stop doing something I really enjoy; I'd certainly break up with them.
Probably everyone's a winner.
maflynn
macrumors Broadwell
We all have to find our own path, we don't always know what's going between two people. They may seem like the happiest couple in public but behind closed doors, one or both maybe miserable.
We also need to let others make mistakes, that's the only way we learn it seems. As a parent, that aspect is very difficult for me, as I want to protect my kids, but in the end, I need them to make mistakes.
Huntn
macrumors Penryn
With the advent of computers, then smart phones, and other portable entertainment electronics there are many addicts out there to different degrees, different electronic attractions, some would call it compulsions, social media included, and I would have to include myself in this group. My wife has told me my gaming has had a negative effect on our marriage, but without going into too much personal detail, I’d counter there are personal aspects of both our personalities which have had negative effects on our relationship, but not enough to break us up, and fortunately, not infidelity, at least I don’t think so. 😵 Relationships that last require compromise.
My goal is not to discuss me, but to relate based on observing, and first hand experience, that online activities, provides many outlets for individuals, social and escapism that used to be spent reading a book or watching TV the latter as a communal experience. It’s different when you are young, but what I observe most couples do for entertainment (aside from sex, especially as you age) not counting outside the house activities, is watching TV, reading a book, work on a hobby, or play a game. If these things can be done together, that’s great, but they can’t always can be. My wife did give World of Warcraft a shot, but deemed it boring. She can watch endless murder mysteries, where if subjected to this continuously, I would be very unhappy, however nothing against a good murder mystery. 🙂
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Scepticalscribe
macrumors Haswell
What about simple conversation?
One of the things that struck me about my parents - apart from the fact that they were married, is what good friends they were - and how much they enjoyed chatting to one another, sounding one another out, bouncing stuff off one another - and they would regularly meet for coffee, even when they retired. They enjoyed one another's company, but also had their own interests, hobbies and friends.
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eyoungren
macrumors Nehalem
If it's equitable, there is a balance that can be maintained that makes everyone happy. Everyone gives a little.
Equitable does not mean equal, but it does mean your fair share. Trying to get more than your fair share by delivering a selfish or judgemental ultimatum doesn't make anyone happy.
Equitable does not mean equal, but it does mean your fair share. Trying to get more than your fair share by delivering a selfish or judgemental ultimatum doesn't make anyone happy.
Huntn
macrumors Penryn
We do have chats but lately, mostly about politics were we see completely eye to eye, but it's mostly a negative topic if you know what I mean. She is a huge ancestry buff and spends hours upon hours researching and it seems she is related to just about every big historical American name there is. Honestly after a while this just goes in one ear and out the other, as I view it as trivia, but I feign interest to make her happy. We have many incidental discussions, but as a habit, it's not a habit to plan an evening of discussion.
SoggyCheese
Suspended
My partner gave me an ultimatum to walk away from one of my hobbies. Doing so pulled me away from my friend group, and resulted in my becoming so utterly miserable I actually ended up more detached from our relationship, even resentful towards my partner for making me feel so bad. Now luckily he came to realise that the issue between us hadn’t been my hobby in the first place, that he was using that as a cover for the real problem, and we started talking to try and pull ourselves back together.
Sounds to me that your brother and his girlfriend similarly had bigger issues, but it’s easier for her to blame his immersion in a computer game rather than face up to why he’s preferring to escape into a virtual world. If they aren’t right for each other then fair enough, but it’s rarely as simple as appears at first glance.
Sounds to me that your brother and his girlfriend similarly had bigger issues, but it’s easier for her to blame his immersion in a computer game rather than face up to why he’s preferring to escape into a virtual world. If they aren’t right for each other then fair enough, but it’s rarely as simple as appears at first glance.
eyoungren
macrumors Nehalem
My wife has no interest in what I like doing (fantasy roleplaying games) and she has certain viewpoints about the average person that engages in it - which she reminds me of from time to time.
But she has never asked me to stop. It's what I was involved in when she met me, what I got started in when I was 12. It's just what I do and it's beyond being a hobby.
That said, the balance I mentioned in my earlier post is achievable because she gets from me what she needs, my kids get what they need, my boss gets what he needs and I get what I need. So it all works out. We all give a little.
My wife and I don't talk a lot any more, but that's not because we have issues. We talked endlessly for hours when we were dating. She knows everything about me and I know everything about her. So, it's unnecessary to talk about what we already know. Instead we just spend time together doing those things we both share an interest in and there is talk, but mainly about stuff that the other person doesn't know or the rare ground that we've never covered.
I've been with her for over 20 years, there's not a whole lot to really discuss any more. 🙂
But it also helps that both she and I are loners, completely comfortable being by ourselves.
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whooleytoo
macrumors 604
Oh, certainly. I'm just offering my person perspective on it, but it doesn't really matter. 🙂
The only thing that matters is what the two of them want, and are happy with, and the compromises they want and are willing to offer.
For me, my 'red line' is a model, rocket scientist with a passion for gaming, beer, and bad jokes. (on a completely unrelated matter: I'm in my 40s and still single....)
SoggyCheese
Suspended
This is good to read. Well done on finding that level of comfort with each other <3
Huntn
macrumors Penryn
On occasion I meet up with a group which includes a married guy with grown kids, who works at home at a job outside the house, and frequently see him logged into the game during the day. I assume he knows how to balance his business with his fun. 😀
Unless there is something very unusual going on or new, I log in sometime after dinner and play for a couple hours, but on certain nights, stay on until after midnight. Usually building games grab me, like ARK Survival Evolved, or Conan Exiles and I just keep building, but I try to be off by 9-11pm. At one point in time I wanted to be an architect... 🙂
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My first two thoughts were:
1) Which game?
2) Is she hot?
I'll go back to programming statistics now.
1) Which game?
2) Is she hot?
I'll go back to programming statistics now.
eyoungren
macrumors Nehalem
My wife and I met at work and since we are both night people (I'd love for the work day to start at 8pm and end at 5am, but I don't make the rules) that put us out at around 1 in the morning. Used to sit in the parking lot of Food4Less just talking until the sun came up.
We share common experiences and some common interests. But most importantly, the reason it works for us is that we share a lot of the same viewpoints. All the little ******** stuff that isn't really important is where our disagreements tend to lie. But the real important stuff? Stuff like raising kids, home, family, work ethic, etc. All that stuff we agree on.
Lots of the things that people seem to only talk about AFTER they get married was all ground we covered months and years before getting married. We went into it knowing.
Sorry, not trying to brag, just trying to emphasize the importance of knowing your partner on those deeper levels.
If you can agree there and are in sync on those things that are both important to you, stuff you would not compromise on for any reason…then the rest is just little stuff.
I'm just lucky that she was patient with me. I'm not an easy person to live with and we had plenty of fights. Still do from time to time. Usually because I'm being a prick or have made some dumbass move.
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My interest is more pencil, paper and dice. Think Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, although that's not the game I usually am involved with.
We have a deal, where I get a specific time frame for this. A good game can require 6 to 8 hours and my wife gives me that. In return I take care of what I need to take care of outside of those time frames and it's done before I engage.
As to some of my other interests, computers, tech, etc…well I'm at work right now. But my boss allows me a lot of leeway. The only thing he cares about is that the work is done by the time my deadlines occur.
So, I prioritize. I know "X" is due when and how important (or not) that may be and it's done by then. Everything else I do for me fits around that.
So some days I'm not even here on this forum. Because the priority is getting "X" done. But other days or time frames things are less prioritized. I know all the variables for a task so I plan accordingly.
Just like you.
It works out. 🙂
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Apple fanboy
macrumors Ivy Bridge
Common interests and compromise are the things that will keep a couple together.
Mrs AFB is my best friend. I phone her every lunchtime at work to see how her day is going.
I often choose not to do something like watching every World Cup game as I know she has no interest in it. I want to spend time with her. But she would never ask me not to partake in watching or doing something she knows I enjoy.
Likewise I try and support her as best I can with her hobbies and interests.
Mrs AFB is my best friend. I phone her every lunchtime at work to see how her day is going.
I often choose not to do something like watching every World Cup game as I know she has no interest in it. I want to spend time with her. But she would never ask me not to partake in watching or doing something she knows I enjoy.
Likewise I try and support her as best I can with her hobbies and interests.
Sometimes us men are such selfish asses, we are better off alone. Other times ...............................
Apple_Robert
Contributor
Healthy, balanced relationships are not predicated on ultimatums.
If the person we are with does not enhance who we already are as a person in such a way, that their being encourages use to do more and be more inside ourselves, we are with the wrong person.
And even though communication may break down at times, (for various reasons) being with the right person is what inspires us as human beings, to have a deeper more meaningful relationship with ourselves and our partner.
Most of the time, problems in a relationship are caused by a lack of communication. Talking to someone is a lot different than communicating with someone. Far too many people are concerned with being right in the moment, than taking the time to listen to what their partner is attempting to convey.
One can attempt to convey an important need and thought with another, and it quickly become lost in the method and manner of delivery.
A relationship is best viewed through binoculars (by those involved) not a telescope.
The fact that an ultimatum was given shows just how unbalanced the relationship was, in my opinion. Both were looking at the relationship through their own telescope, which provided a very myopic view. The myopic view was distorted with personal bias, fear, and self. And it is the personal bias and fear (amongst other things) that leads to dysfunctional behavior and expectation.
If the person we are with does not enhance who we already are as a person in such a way, that their being encourages use to do more and be more inside ourselves, we are with the wrong person.
And even though communication may break down at times, (for various reasons) being with the right person is what inspires us as human beings, to have a deeper more meaningful relationship with ourselves and our partner.
Most of the time, problems in a relationship are caused by a lack of communication. Talking to someone is a lot different than communicating with someone. Far too many people are concerned with being right in the moment, than taking the time to listen to what their partner is attempting to convey.
One can attempt to convey an important need and thought with another, and it quickly become lost in the method and manner of delivery.
A relationship is best viewed through binoculars (by those involved) not a telescope.
The fact that an ultimatum was given shows just how unbalanced the relationship was, in my opinion. Both were looking at the relationship through their own telescope, which provided a very myopic view. The myopic view was distorted with personal bias, fear, and self. And it is the personal bias and fear (amongst other things) that leads to dysfunctional behavior and expectation.
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jkcerda
macrumors 65816
Game Makes him happy. Doesn’t nag and it’s there for him 24/7 . Guessing your brother is young and has no real desire to be “tied” up. Why would he with tinder and plenty of other dating sites out there with plenty of women willing to satisfy his needs? She made the choice easy for him. Glad he didn’t fold over