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Getting a Divorce - Now what?

JW8725 said:
Sorry to hear this. Can I ask why she wants a divorce?
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Sorry that this happened to you.

My folks got divorced ten years ago, and it wasn't a fun time. There are still hard feelings.

Everyone in this thread has jumped on the OP's side and has crucified his wife. Although I agree that her timing was really, really not nice, please keep in mind that there are two sides to every story.

Getting an attorney is a good idea regardless of fault.

One good piece of advice I could lend: don't be petty about possessions (meaning don't say you want something just because she does- just to spite her). It just drags things out and makes everything way worse than they need to be.

Good luck.
 
here's my advice:

1)if you don't have kids ( you don't mention any), pack up your personal assets and head back to your family and friends. you're going to need support and it doesn't sound like you have that network built up in CA.

2) don't argue over assets. it's just not worth it and there's pretty much nothing that can't be replaced.

3) hire a mediator instead of 2 adversarial lawyers...it'll save you tons of money. or if there's really nothing to fight over ( assets, child support, spousal support, etc)...just go thru the legal channels yourself. it's a bit of a pain but will easily save you 5K.

4) take some time to figure out why the marriage failed and what role you each played into it.

5) if she changes her mind, you guys need couple's therapy. and you really need to ask yourself if she's worth the investment of the rather short time you have on this planet. rarely do things ever return to normal after someone throws down the divorce gauntlet. do you want to live with that looming over your head?

move on, let go, forgive and be happy. it's as easy or difficult as you want it to be.
 
3rdpath said:
2) don't argue over assets. it's just not worth it and there's pretty much nothing that can't be replaced.
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I have to say, having just deleted some spam posts from this thread regarding legal counsel, that I'm going to have to go and disagree with that one, if avenues for preserving your marriage do not end up working.

This is going to be expensive for you. You're probably going to relocate back to where you're from, find employment back home, reconnect with people, re-establish yourself, etc. There are costs associated with all of that. And you've sunk a lot of your financial power into your marriage, most likely.

Divorce does not have to be an adversarial process, but it often is. Whether amicable or adversarial, make sure your interests are represented. If you can't be firm and demand fairness, then get someone to represent you who can be your heavy. If she's the one asking for a divorce, and it's not because of something you did explicitly like infidelity, drug abuse, etc, then you have every right to take her to the cleaners, and she may do the same to you if you're not careful.

Your commitment to your relationship is worth more than just letting yourself be taken advantage of in divorce. You shouldn't settle for less than you're worth, and you shouldn't underestimate the real financial cost of this to you.
 
Surely said:
Everyone in this thread has jumped on the OP's side and has crucified his wife. Although I agree that her timing was really, really not nice, please keep in mind that there are two sides to every story.
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The wife lost all creditability in my book for the timing.
 
Hi,

I just joined this site to see if I could obtain some assistance with my Mac when I noticed this thread and felt compelled to write.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear what has happened. It was very insensitive of her to break the news on Christmas Eve like that. I hope you manage to get yourself close to some friends for support and move on with your life as soon as possible.

Tania
 
Rodimus Prime said:
The wife lost all creditability in my book for the timing.
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If she doesn't have the legal papers drawn up, the stress of the holidays may simply have brought things the tipping point.

But at least it is near the beginning of the year where you can both immediately get your bank accounts in order and prepare for filing separately in 2009.

Though get a divorce lawyer is good advice, and if there are any assets in retirement accounts, banks, etc. adding a tax accountant is also mandatory -- since the splitting of assets can trigger unwanted tax bills for one party or the other, depending on the distribution method.
 
wow.

If you folks are christian and celebrate Christmas, the timing is so beyond bad. unreal actually. wow.

lots of good advice so far. i know i would be trying to figure out what went wrong and why. i know that if she wouldn't want it to continue and to fix it, i would try to get a mediator then instead of lawyers. I've simply heard of more amicable splits with mediators, but then again, I'm not talking about a wide spread statistical study. I would definitely ask for her to help with your move back if you decided to go back.

good luck. do remember to take care of yourself. i can't imagine the stress and heartache you're feeling, but remember, you only live once so as bad as it is, you can't let it defeat you.

cheers,
keebler
 
Get a lawyer, the best you can afford. I'll wager $100 to a donut she's got the best lawyer you can afford too. If she's filed prior to separating, you'll probably have to pay for it.

Protect. Your. Assets. Anything you don't want her to take from you, sell it to someone you trust. Have receipts. Any joint bank/credit accounts? Close them today, or she just might clean you out right under your nose.

Has she left the house yet? Change the locks immediately, and document any and all contact she has with you outside of the presence of *your* attorney, with witnesses if at all possible.

The courts are rarely if ever on your side. Any competent attorney will tell you this. The system is stacked against you.

Do you have kids? Do not let her take them; chances are you'll hardly ever see them again.

This may all sound harsh, but it's the reality of things. She's thrown down the gauntlet, and now you need to worry about protecting yourself more than anything.
 
since the OP is in CA. and i have substantial ( and recent:eek: )experience in the matter, i'm going to take issue with some of the posts in this discussion. many of the statements are flat out wrong under the guidelines of this state.

a) CA is a no fault state. it doesn't matter what anyone has done during the marriage ( barring physical abuse and such) in the eyes of the court. nastiness, infidelity or whatever by a spouse doesn't give the other party any leverage during the process.

b) CA. has strict guidelines about asset ownership and it's very simple: what you had before the marriage is yours and what you acquired during the marriage is jointly owned. ( there are some grey areas about gifts and co-mingling of assets but there are precedents to use as guidelines).

c) no one gets taken to the cleaners. people may whine about splitting assets and businesses etc...but that's part of the marriage contract.

d) if you have kids-you'll get to see them. the child custody schedule is usually one of the first items negotiated during the process. in california there are pretty strict guidelines as to custody and they don't favor either party.

and a note about my previous asset comment: my point is not to get obsessed with the division of assets. i've seen people spend 20K fighting over a dog, waste over 100K fighting over a 60K business, spend 5k wrangling over patio furniture...

when people get emotional and vindictive or play the "victim" card, that's when things get ugly.
 
3rdpath said:
since the OP is in CA. and i have substantial ( and recent:eek: )experience in the matter
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Does the CA no fault system really work that effectively? I have to admit I've never been divorced anywhere, let alone in CA. I knew the system existed in principle with those goals in mind, but does it really work, even if your spouse is... legally aggressive?
 
mkrishnan said:
Does the CA no fault system really work that effectively? I have to admit I've never been divorced anywhere, let alone in CA. I knew the system existed in principle with those goals in mind, but does it really work, even if your spouse is... legally aggressive?
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overall, it does work. nothing is perfect but it does take the emotion and blame out of the legal process( and keeps the heated accusations sequestered to emails and texts where they should be;) ).

as far as legally aggressive ex-spouses, sure they can make things more difficult but they can't change the basic premise of CA law: parents split child custody( hell, even OJ got custody of his kids after nicole's murder) and the assets are split. some asset valuations can be argued which can get messy...don't know any way around that. people do try to hide assets( which is very difficult these days...) but i see that as a problem with people-not the system. child support and spousal support are calculated using a computer program called Dissel Master.


my advice to friends going thru divorce is to do what's best for the kids. and don't worry about the money too much. if you have to cut a 6 figure check to get it done...fine. amortize that amount over the remainder of your life and suddenly paying 5 grand a year for your freedom and happiness seems like a bargain.
 
What a horrible time to get that news. You don't drop that on someone during a holiday.
I've been divorced, and yes it was hard. I was a single parent and overseas to boot. But like others have said, lean on friends and family. They can help, maybe not with the loneliness, but with a supportive ear.
And then you will get over it, move on, and find the right someone as I did.
 
Thank all of you for the kind words, support, and advice...

Thankfully we don't have kids. I wouldn't know what to do if we did.

I know it's been said, and thought, but there really is three sides of the story. My side, her side, and the truth between them.

Her side of it would be that I ignore her, don't spend enough time with her, and don't provide enough for her.

My side of it would be that I have no friends or family out here to take me away from her, I work 12 hour days but I come straight home - I don't go anywhere, and she has no job, no income, and no transportation - I'm the provider for the both of us.

I don't know what's what but that sums it up.

~Crawn
 
Interesting...

1st: christmas eve is mean, harsh, perhaps wrong

2nd: why has everyone just sided with the OP automatically? Sure us MacRumies need to stick together, but the OP could have been cheating on her with her sister or something equally as shocking... we don't know! Christmas Eve would certainly be justified then!

3rd: If you're the one with the job, why did you move to CA for her? If she's unemployed, surely assets in court wont count for much as you were the main bread winner? Judging by your signature, you have made quite a bit of money ;)

4th: Sounds like you need marriage counseling first.
 
I swear, on my life, my soul, my being that I did not cheat on her in any way, shape or form. To think such a thing is wrong.

And why did I move to California with her? Because I love her, she's my best friend, and I've known her since we were in high school. I moved with her from Ohio because she's from California and I wanted to be with her.

I didn't have this job until I moved to California. The job I had in Ohio, where the Mac Pros I have come into play, laid off almost all of their work force. We moved out here with 4 grand to our name, using half that to get out here. I was fortunate enough to get this job a few weeks after getting here.

As for counseling, we did a couple times when we were dating, but not for anything related to our marriage/relationship.

Crawn

SpaceMagic said:
Interesting...

1st: christmas eve is mean, harsh, perhaps wrong

2nd: why has everyone just sided with the OP automatically? Sure us MacRumies need to stick together, but the OP could have been cheating on her with her sister or something equally as shocking... we don't know! Christmas Eve would certainly be justified then!

3rd: If you're the one with the job, why did you move to CA for her? If she's unemployed, surely assets in court wont count for much as you were the main bread winner? Judging by your signature, you have made quite a bit of money ;)

4th: Sounds like you need marriage counseling first.
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Wow that chick is mean.

Seriously get far far away. Go back to Ohio and get on with your life. Stay with some friends and family tell you get a new job and place to stay, I'm sure they will understand your situation.

that is just mean and cold why would you do that the day before Christmas
 
Crawn2003 said:
Her side of it would be that I ignore her, don't spend enough time with her, and don't provide enough for her.

My side of it would be that I have no friends or family out here to take me away from her, I work 12 hour days but I come straight home - I don't go anywhere, and she has no job, no income, and no transportation - I'm the provider for the both of us.
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Yeah that sounds like a Jerry Springer episode...the chick saying her man doesn't spend enough time with her, when he's the one working and making money to support them both, and she sits around and does nothing with her life. She sucks.
 
Not to sound uncaring but better now than later. Once you have children and REAL assets, divorce can devastate you financially as well as emotionally - let alone the children. She's unhappy, you aren't fulfilling her emotional needs. Get it done with and move on. Moving back to Ohio should be a must do. You're young enough to start over with someone who appreciates you.

Unfortunately, Christmas will never be totally joyful again since this will always be there to remind you - even subconsciously.
 
Damn, that sucks. Crawn. i hope ur folks help u forget about this bitch who you claim to have been ur friend since high school. how old r u? if ur no that old, then perhaps, this chick was pulling a big one on u. she only pretended to like u for reason that she doesn't have anymore. so then she decided to break it to u on xmas eve. what a BITCH! i hope u never see her again. i sincerely hope u get over this bump in ur life and move on.like others here have said, if she did that to u on the happiest day if the year, then she doesn't deserve to have happiness in her life anymore. because now, every xmas, ur remeided of this. but yes. advice is get a lawyer ASAP! also sell ur assets to someone u trust for now. i hope u recover from this. god knows what you did to deserve this:rolleyes:
 
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