Girl Help

[mr?]

So here's the deal, i have just got to uni (i say just got, been here for two weeks already) and i really like this girl. Thing is she has a boyfriend albeit, he is in London (80 miles away) and i need some advice on what to do.
Do i come out and tell her that i really like her?? Do i keep my feelings under wraps for the time being?? What do i do??
I am in such a pickle and the choice really is tearing me up
x

 

[richard.mac]

she probably has the long distance relationship or the different post code mentatlity. youre probably not going to know at first so slowly get the courage up to ask her about him after youve gotten to know her for a while .

 

[doubleohseven]

Well firstly, how did you find out that she has a boyfriend? If it was from her directly, then that should give her an indication that you like her. What would help is that, if you haven't already, develop a friendship between you and her and just talk about stuff in general. Then, whenever you're comfortable, you could ask her if she wants to go out sometime like to the movies. This decision's entirely up to you, though. Good luck!

 

[mr?]

Well she told me she has a boyfriend. I went to speak to her one day and she said she couldn't talk, she was going to London because she had a fight with her boyfriend.
We do get on well but she is always surrounded by others, and there is more than 1 other guy interested in her and they are constantly together which makes things even harder, i am just at a loss as what to do. I cooked a meal for us last weekend and it was really nice just the two of us being alone for a change and we got on really well but then she is the type of person who would get on with anyone
x

 

[Fuzzy14]

Since I am now getting on a bit, I can look back and wish that when I was younger I just acted on things and to hell with the consequences. Just make sure you don't have regrets.

As for the distance, when I met my wife she lived in Fife which was a 1hr 10min drive from Glasgow, I still saw her 3-4 times a week.

 

[mr?]

Since I am now getting on a bit, I can look back and wish that when I was younger I just acted on things and to hell with the consequences. Just make sure you don't have regrets.

As for the distance, when I met my wife she lived in Fife which was a 1hr 10min drive from Glasgow, I still saw her 3-4 times a week.

Its about the same from here but uni commitments will stop that from being done, every weekend at a push is the maximum which is still enough to keep a relationship going.
And with the regrets, i think i will have regrets about both - if i tell her i know i will act like a fool as it isn't a common thing for me to tell someone that. And if i don't tell her, i will regret it and what might happen. Its confusing me

 

[Melrose]

If you've only been there about two weeks, I'd say you don't know her well enough yet.

Just keep on being friendly, and if something happens you'll know it. Work on being a friend before anything else.

 

[yrsonicdeath]

Having been the boyfriend that was not present, in a similar situation, I'd suggest you not try anything.

 

[.Andy]

Everyone is fair game until they're married. From then on you're in a grey area flying on your own ethics.....

 

[iShater]

I could swear this is the same thread from a few months back!

 

[bigandy]

Everyone is fair game until they're married.

I hope that's a joke.

Some people don't have any interest in marriage, but have a desire for a long term (maybe life long) commitment to one person. Just because they lack a piece of paper and a bit of metal around a finger, you think they're fair game?


*despairs for humanity*.

 

[yrsonicdeath]

I hope that's a joke.

Some people don't have any interest in marriage, but have a desire for a long term (maybe life long) commitment to one person. Just because they lack a piece of paper and a bit of metal around a finger, you think they're fair game?


*despairs for humanity*.

I'm glad someone else mirrored my disbelief of the above remarks. Would you feel the same way if the tables were turned. It's easy to make statements like that when you're not in a relationship yourself and I'd guess you aren't.

 

[.Andy]

I hope that's a joke.

Not at all.

Some people don't have any interest in marriage, but have a desire for a long term (maybe life long) commitment to one person. Just because they lack a piece of paper and a bit of metal around a finger, you think they're fair game?

As I said the ethics is a grey area. Personally I think anyone and everyone is fair game. As much as I love being married and I'm committed to my wife, if someone better comes along that she wants to be with who am I to force her to stay with me. If she no longer loves me and wants to be with me so be it. We've spoken about it at length and I my greatest hope is that our relationship is mature enough that if either of us isn't happy we'd feel free to talk about it with the other and pull up stumps if need be. Although I really do hope with all my heart it never comes to that.

*despairs for humanity*.

I despair for humanity where people aren't secure enough in their relationships that someone even hitting on their partner is seen as stepping over the line. Life's too short.

I'm glad someone else mirrored my disbelief of the above remarks. Would you feel the same way if the tables were turned. It's easy to make statements like that when you're not in a relationship yourself and I'd guess you aren't.

I've been married for five years and I have certainly been in that situation before. I had a girlfriend for 10 years who went off with another guy she met at work. Hurt for a bit but she married him and has kids and is exceedingly happy. She loves him and doesn't love me. I'm exceedingly happy with my wife and I love her more than anything. It's funny how things work out.

The sentiment of a relationship being forever is beautiful, wonderful, and an admirable goal. However in reality people change significantly throughout their whole lives. It's a large amount of dumb luck that you change together. I'm glad that in 2008 people can get divorced and can feel free to follow their hearts and pursue happiness. There's certainly no hard and fast rules on where you can find that happiness.

 

[northy124]

Why ask people on a forum, ask a friend!

I say go for it!

 

[Melrose]

I hope that's a joke.

Some people don't have any interest in marriage, but have a desire for a long term (maybe life long) commitment to one person. Just because they lack a piece of paper and a bit of metal around a finger, you think they're fair game?


*despairs for humanity*.

What he said. Manners & etiquette apparently have gone the way of the dodo bird for some.

.Andy: I don't think any of this belongs in a thread where the person asked for advice on how to handle the problem with a girl... If you want to talk about your personal set of values about being in a relationship, start your own thread in the social issues section...

 

[.Andy]

.Andy: I don't think any of this belongs in a thread where the person asked for advice on how to handle the problem with a girl... If you want to talk about your personal set of values about being in a relationship, start your own thread in the social issues section...

On the contrary this is exactly what the thread is about. Whether it is acceptable to hit on someone who has a partner who possibly isn't happy in their relationship. I suggest you read the thread before getting sanctimonious.

 

[yrsonicdeath]

As I said the ethics is a grey area. Personally I think anyone and everyone is fair game. As much as I love being married and I'm committed to my wife, if someone better comes along that she wants to be with who am I to force her to stay with me. If she no longer loves me and wants to be with me so be it. We've spoken about it at length and I my greatest hope is that our relationship is mature enough that if either of us isn't happy we'd feel free to talk about it with the other and pull up stumps if need be. Although I really do hope with all my heart it never comes to that.

Why even get married then?

I despair for humanity where people aren't secure enough in their relationships that someone even hitting on their partner is seen as stepping over the line. Life's too short.

I do see it as stepping over the line. I don't see it much differently than if someone was to hit on a married woman. It's selfish, and it seems inappropriate that you're encouraging someone to do this knowing that she is with someone else. Long-distance relationships are hard even without a selfish person trying to get what they want regardless of circumstances. They can also be very rewarding.

On the contrary this is exactly what the thread is about. Whether it is acceptable to hit on someone who has a partner who possibly isn't happy in their relationship. I suggest you read the thread before getting sanctimonious.

You've completely implied that she may not be happy in her relationship. I think by doing this you're setting the OP up for trouble.

 

[.Andy]

Why even get married then?

For our own personal reasons not for anyone else. It was actually as bigandy said a commitment ceremony. A celebration of our love. It's not legally recognised where we live.

I do see it as stepping over the line. I don't see it much differently than if someone was to hit on a married woman. It's selfish, and it seems inappropriate that you're encouraging someone to do this knowing that she is with someone else.

All relationships are selfish in a way. You want exclusive access to a single partner in return for your undivided attention. If someone hits on my wife I'm safe in the knowledge that our relationship is strong enough to talk about it. In mr?'s case it sounds like the girl he is after is cultivating some affection towards him. It's really her decision what she would like to do with her life.

My aim was to point out that relationships go each and every way and you never know how things will end up. It's not 1910 and there's no hard and fast rules about relationships. The biggest warning I'd give mr? is to steer clear of romance with someone who has just broken up. They need time to clear their heads and decide what they want. Relationships take time and a blank slate is a good start.

Long-distance relationships are hard even without a selfish person trying to get what they want regardless of circumstances.

We'll have to disagree on this. If I was in a long distance relationship it sounds like I'd be the one being selfish wanting someone to stay with me when they weren't happy and had fallen for someone else. Often long distance relationships don't work because you grow apart. It's hard enough to grow with someone you are in the same location as.

They can also be very rewarding.

We can agree on this. All relationships can be very rewarding. Relationships with someone who is truly your soulmate is fantastic .

You've completely implied that she may not be happy in her relationship.

Perhaps. I got it from Mr? here:

Well she told me she has a boyfriend. I went to speak to her one day and she said she couldn't talk, she was going to London because she had a fight with her boyfriend.

She might be happy and they're just a fighty couple. She might not be happy. Only she knows.

 

[anjinha]

If she loves her boyfriends and she really wants to be with him it won't make a difference if the OP tries anything with her. She has her own mind. If she wants to leave her boyfriend she will, it doesn't matter if someone hits on her or not.

To the OP, just try to spend time with her. Maybe something will happen, maybe it won't.

 

[.Andy]

If she loves her boyfriends and she really wants to be with him it won't make a difference if the OP tries anything with her. She has her own mind. If she wants to leave her boyfriend she will, it doesn't matter if someone hits on her or not.

That's pretty much summed up what I struggled to say in 10 000 words . Thanks anjinhamarota .

 

[anjinha]

That's pretty much summed up what I struggled to say in 10 000 words . Thanks anjinhamarota .

Lol. You're welcome.

 

[TheAnswer]

Some people don't have any interest in marriage, but have a desire for a long term (maybe life long) commitment to one person. Just because they lack a piece of paper and a bit of metal around a finger, you think they're fair game?

*despairs for humanity*.

But surely, this desire for commitment must be mutual.

If a person is open to flirtations and the advances of an outside party, they are not expressing this "desire for a long term commitment".

 

[yrsonicdeath]

All relationships are selfish in a way. You want exclusive access to a single partner in return for your undivided attention.

They are, but at the same time I try to die to myself every day in order to better provide for my fiance (wife tomorrow).

If someone hits on my wife I'm safe in the knowledge that our relationship is strong enough to talk about it.

As am I, I think this is an important quality.

In mr?'s case it sounds like the girl he is after is cultivating some affection towards him.

And as it seems a third gentleman in addition to him and the boyfriend. (perhaps another reason to stay away.)

The biggest warning I'd give mr? is to steer clear of romance with someone who has just broken up. They need time to clear their heads and decide what they want. Relationships take time and a blank slate is a good start.

I'll agree with this as well.

If I was in a long distance relationship it sounds like I'd be the one being selfish wanting someone to stay with me when they weren't happy and had fallen for someone else. Often long distance relationships don't work because you grow apart. It's hard enough to grow with someone you are in the same location as.

I do agree with you, but since all we have to go by is that she and her boyfriend had a fight, I feel it's a bit unfair to Imply she's unhappy. I felt as though my relationship with my significant other was stregthened by our time apart. Our communication greatly improved as well as our understanding of each others needs.

If she loves her boyfriends and she really wants to be with him it won't make a difference if the OP tries anything with her. She has her own mind. If she wants to leave her boyfriend she will, it doesn't matter if someone hits on her or not.

I actually agree with this, my main disagreement was of the encouraging of it, but I guess we'll have to disagree on that and I'm fine with that.

.Andy, I'm glad you have found someone with whom you are happy. It seems the both of you have a different stance on marriage than I, but you're definitely entitled to that. Fortunately, my fiance/wife and I share the same stance and I guess that's all that really matters. It turns out after all this I do agree with you for the most part.

Cheers.

 

[aloofman]

I don't think the OP has to be a jerk. She obviously likes him in at least a friendly way. My suggestion to him:

Let her know you're interested, but you won't pursue anything as long as she has a boyfriend, regardless of how far away he is. And you have to mean it. Don't just say that in the hope that they'll break up or encourage her to break up with him. If their relationship isn't strong enough to stand on its own, then she'll know you're available. But if it does last, then you have to genuinely be OK with that. Date other women and try not to worry about it.

Frankly, the odds are in your favor. Most long-distance relationships between college students at different schools don't end up lasting long. On the other hand, relationships between students at the same university don't tend to last that long either. It cuts both ways.

 

[phas3]

So here's the deal, i have just got to uni (i say just got, been here for two weeks already) and i really like this girl. Thing is she has a boyfriend albeit, he is in London (80 miles away) and i need some advice on what to do.
Do i come out and tell her that i really like her?? Do i keep my feelings under wraps for the time being?? What do i do??
I am in such a pickle and the choice really is tearing me up
x

okay, i love these threads, first off all I got some questions for ya. You say you've been in uni for only 2 weeks, how long have you known this girl? And these feelings you feel for her are they out of lust or she is down right the girl you are looking for to be in a relationship with?

don't worry about the bf, he's 80 mile away some say distance makes the heart grow fonder but if they're already ahving huge arguements where she has to go to london to see him, it's not growing fonder which makes it easier for you to step in.