Has anyone else come to the conclusion they are better off single?

[lowfreq]

Over the past couple of decades I've had a few serious/long term relationships with women (long term meaning they lasted a year or more, and they've all ended for different reasons ranging from alcoholism (her) to me realizing the other person just wasn't "it" for one reason or another, or the relationship just fizzling out.


The past 6 months I've been seeing a woman a few years older than me, and the first 3 months were great, awesome as a matter of fact, than they quickly deteriorated due t, excess drama, or at least more drama than Im willing to deal with.

We basically went from a great relationship that was fun, lighthearted and carefree to something a little more intense and what ended up happening was me being accused of talking/flirting with other women when I wasn't (harmless chit-chat with a female colleague is what prompted that, and it was truly harmless chit-chat revolving around work gossip), me not being available as much as she wants (all the while having restrictions on her own time she did not fully acknowledge), and other similar behaviors.

Now, almost daily I have to face some drama about me not being interested enough in her since I don't send her frequent texts, or texts that contain what she wants to hear as often as she wants to hear it, and finally her questioning and reading far too much into things I say or do. Example of that is one of the jazz ensembles Im in is doing a tune called "just friends", and i was playing it the other day, she heard it, asked what it was and i said "just friends", and she took that as a message that we should be "just friends".

Icing on the cake was this morning..Last night we were chatting via text, I said i was tired, wanted to go to bed, said goodnight, and "I love you", and this morning found a text sent after my last one where her reply was "I don't think you do"...

It's pretty crazy...I hate the idea of being alone forever, but Im really not sure I have the mental capacity/stamina to be in a relationship that has that much drama around it and often think that it's a sign im better off alone, or with a dog.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

There seem to me to be two distinct - and separate - issues here, and, as such, your thread title strikes me as somewhat misleading.

The first (reflecting your thread title) is on the subject matter of whether you should choose to be single or not, and forego all relationships in the future, while the second, related to the first, but yet still, entirely separate from it, and to be considered under a different heading, asks whether you should simply forego this particular relationship.

Personally, I would suggest that you consider each component of this subject separately, for the answers to the two questions may differ.

 

[Hieveryone]

Over the past couple of decades I've had a few serious/long term relationships with women (long term meaning they lasted a year or more, and they've all ended for different reasons ranging from alcoholism (her) to me realizing the other person just wasn't "it" for one reason or another, or the relationship just fizzling out.


The past 6 months I've been seeing a woman a few years older than me, and the first 3 months were great, awesome as a matter of fact, than they quickly deteriorated due t, excess drama, or at least more drama than Im willing to deal with.

We basically went from a great relationship that was fun, lighthearted and carefree to something a little more intense and what ended up happening was me being accused of talking/flirting with other women when I wasn't (harmless chit-chat with a female colleague is what prompted that, and it was truly harmless chit-chat revolving around work gossip), me not being available as much as she wants (all the while having restrictions on her own time she did not fully acknowledge), and other similar behaviors.

Now, almost daily I have to face some drama about me not being interested enough in her since I don't send her frequent texts, or texts that contain what she wants to hear as often as she wants to hear it, and finally her questioning and reading far too much into things I say or do. Example of that is one of the jazz ensembles Im in is doing a tune called "just friends", and i was playing it the other day, she heard it, asked what it was and i said "just friends", and she took that as a message that we should be "just friends".

Icing on the cake was this morning..Last night we were chatting via text, I said i was tired, wanted to go to bed, said goodnight, and "I love you", and this morning found a text sent after my last one where her reply was "I don't think you do"...

It's pretty crazy...I hate the idea of being alone forever, but Im really not sure I have the mental capacity/stamina to be in a relationship that has that much drama around it and often think that it's a sign im better off alone, or with a dog.

IMO it’s much more fun having a girlfriend but it’s different for each person

 

[jkcerda]

HOW old are you? plenty are getting married in their 40's and starting families at that age. seems you have made up your mind about your current "love" and yes need some assurances from people here, plenty of fish in the sea blah blah blah.

there are plenty of apps that can help you "date". who knows you might might someone worth keeping that way.

 

[Apple_Robert]

I can relate. In my experience, you find out very quickly whether or not the lady you like will be a keeper.

Life is hard enough at times, without having to constantly deal with another person’s insecurities.

Either a lady trust or she doesn’t. I don’t want to play games nor do I want to be made to feel like I have to defend myself when I have done nothing wrong. I don’t live my personal life that way and I refuse to do so in a relationship.

I am not looking for the perfect gal. I am just looking for a lady who knows who she is, what she wants, is honest, and isn’t afraid to be vulnerable with me and herself.

If I can‘t grow into a friendship and then possibly a meaningful relationship with a lady, I will keep navigating solo as long as needed.

I expect there to be good days and bad days in a relationship. What you described with her is unhealthy for all concerned.

Keep the faith and keep trying.

 

[ssledoux]

Well, coming from an adult woman who has been married a long time, I’d say a relationship is worth it if you find the right person, but not worth trying to force making it happen, and definitely not with the wrong person.

Relationships are hard, and living with another human being is even harder. It is work a lot of the time - I mean it just can’t really stay new and fun forever - but there should be plenty of enjoyable times in between, and that drama garbage needs to go. I am not sure why so many women feed off that. It’s probably why I never have had a lot of girl/woman friends.

 

[Huntn]

The thread title is not really a valid question. It depends on both individuals and how hard each of you are willing to work. I’ve been married to the same person for 40 years and we love each other and would not seperate, at least I don’t think so, but I’ll say our relationship is not as good in the last 10 years as it was in the first 30. We bicker a lot about the same disagreements that we’ve always had. Fortunately we are on the same page when it comes to politics, which I think could be a death knell for a relationship If we weren’t.

There maybe a perfect relationships out there, but I have yet to see any. Marriage and the required compromise is one hell of a lot of work. If you are not a compromising person, the odds are against you, but you never know.

In my next life, if I am able to remember anything about this one, I’ll honestly have to think a lot about the prospects of getting married. It could be as simple as loneliness vs companionship with some level of cherished memories thrown into the mix in either case.

The important thing to remember is that the mature relationship is around much longer than the new and sexually exciting relationship. And that when you head into the mature relationship, it does not mean something is wrong with it, because it’s less exciting. It changes and you should be able to change with it. I’ve known several people who seem to be on the constant search for “excitement”, a new exciting feeling In a relationship which just does not last, and the people who dump spouses continuously seeking this excitement will have squandered a life time doing so, with the heart ache to go along with it, Imo.

 

[millerj123]

No. My wife and I currently make a good team providing for us and our kids. If the situation changes, it changes. And, in more than half my life, it's changed many times already. When either one of us feels like the change isn't good, we discuss why, and what we can do about it.

I've seen many couples who in my opinion shouldn't be together, but it's not my place to decide what works or doesn't for them, unless they ask, and then all I'll do is offer my advice.

 

[1042686]

Don’t date women that are crazy. If crazy is your thing, then hit it & quit it every single time. You are absolutely correct that crazy is Outrageously corrosive & will put you in an early grave.

All women come with a bit of drama. My wife is amazing and virtually drama free as long as her needs are met. I’ve found that usually the only time she turns up the whackadoodle knob, it’s because of something I’m doing or not. I‘ll be preoccupied & not meeting her needs emotionally or physically or equitably in regards to the kiddos, chores etc. so if I get a whiff of nutter butter, I stop whatever it is I’m doing & focus on how she is doing & what she needs. An ounce of prevention goes a very long way.

But yeah man, the crazy will kill a LTR every_single_time. Stay away from the rubber room romance and you’ll be fine.

 

[Tech198]

i function allot better when alone.

 

[avz]

What I like about our age of technology is that a lot of people seem to share genuine insight in their youtube videos in order to get likes, subscribers and so on...

The thing is that most woman(especially older) don't really need the guy and go into a relationship for all the wrong reasons(fear of loneliness like the OP, etc.).

I am afraid that being single for most guys is not even a matter of choice.

 

[Gutwrench]

I’ve been single for six years and not dated. I feel very content and balanced in my life. I’m not anti-relationship at all I’m just not actively looking for anyone. And if it ever happens again I’ll be just as committed and attentive to her as I was with my former wife.

 

[AJK13K]

As a 75 year old Apple user, I am not in the market anymore but.. when I was 2 random thoughts:
1 I always liked the crazy women best. They were not predictable and the combat often ended up in bed.
2 and this took a long time to learn, you don’t buy a cow to get milk.

take it for what it is worth and oh by the way kids, especially now, are highly overrated. At every stage of their lives they have problems for you to solve, pay for or bail out. no one needs that. In AOCs uuopian society the state will raise them from birth.

 

[Moakesy]

Has it occurred to you that the problem might be you?

Now I realise this is an incendiary statement, but you having had numerous relationships, how come it's the same result every time? Maybe you get bored easily, set you standards too high or just don't want to put much work into things?

It took me a number of years before I realised that some crazy behaviour I saw from my partner at the time was actually a reflection back of my own unreasonable behaviour. Sure, they were unreasonable, but that was because I'd been an ar**hole in the first place. I changed my behaviour and now am in my longest ever relationship (by some margin).

Don't get me wrong, some folk are just plain crazy....but not all of them. The examples you gave of your current girlfriend do sound odd, but is there some signal from you that has made her feel so insecure? Do you play it too chill, not putting enough effort in and then acting surprised when she's becomes worried?

You speak about having a dog, but dogs are pack animals and rely on mutual reassurances. Ignore a dog and it will start acting up, crying, following you around everywhere etc. Maybe a 'oh so chill' cat would be better?

Anyway, good luck and hope you work things out

 

[D.T.]

I’ve been single for six years and not dated.

... not dated? You took me to Red Lobster, I call that a __date__.

 

[TiggrToo]

... not dated? You took me to Red Lobster, I call that a __date__.

They took you to Red Lobster? Next stop is Steak n Shake then you’re committed!

 

[D.T.]

I was chuckling when I wrote that, remember back in high school, umm, *ahem*, the more "seasoned" of us, when Red Lobster was the absolute cat's ass for a high school date?

 

[1042686]

Mmmm Steak n Shake double n' chili. I miss those, there aren't any in my neck of the woods. Freddy's is great though and we have those. I'd marry a woman who took me to either of those … hey I did! She's a keeper for sure

 

[jbarley]

64 years of happy marriage, (to the same lady) and looking forward to many more,
maybe I'll take a pass on your Subject question.

 

[Apple_Robert]

I was chuckling when I wrote that, remember back in high school, umm, *ahem*, the more "seasoned" of us, when Red Lobster was the absolute cat's ass for a high school date?

That indeed was the place. Kids today think nothing of taking their date to Mickey D’s. If I had been brave enough to think of that back in the day, my date would have never let me get away with it, much less the very thought of such.

I do enjoy the intellectual tango of dating, almost as much as I do tech. To sit and talk with a beautiful woman that sends your brain reeling from her laughter, coy smile, intelligence, and compassion, is a glorious natural high that I never want to stop experiencing.

 

[Gutwrench]

That indeed was the place. Kids today think nothing of taking their date to Mickey D’s. If I had been brave enough to think of that back in the day, my date would have never let me get away with it, much less the very thought of such.

I do enjoy the intellectual tango of dating, almost as much as I do tech. To sit and talk with a beautiful woman that sends your brain reeling from her laughter, coy smile, intelligence, and compassion, is a glorious natural high that I never want to stop experiencing.

When I was a teen no one cared where they ate, it was about being together. Most would grab a burger or pizza then head to the next plan. Dinner wasn’t the date.

As a young adult it was about the same.

I’m single and don’t date, but dinner would hold more significance...but not to impress...just to enjoy the food and conversation.

 

[macdisciple]

Married at 21. Divorced 18 months later.
Married at 54. Never looked back. Its been wonderful.

 

[S.B.G]

When I was a teen no one cared where they ate,

 

[yaxomoxay]

Has anyone else come to the conclusion they are better off single?

My wife.

 

[TSE]

I am a better person when I am with someone that I support when they need me, and are there for me when I need them. I don't see how someone can be "better off" without that, unless they are either a) totally co-dependent in which case therapy or some other step needs to occur or b) easily manipulated and used, in which case their partner is a user and should be left. And people are not static, as in they change, grow, and fall with time and change. But there are good people out there, and compatible people as well. Just keep looking and have fun in the journey.