if you suspect it, hire a private detective. well worth it. my wife is a divorce lawyer and sees way too many people try it themselves and just waste time, create anxiety, more stress between the two parties. if she's banging someone, you'll find out within 7-10 days with the right sleuth on the case.
You can do it yourself, and be quite successful at it.
You need to talk to her, buddy. I think rummaging through her private stuff is effed, personally.
If you can't even talk to her about this than you shouldn't be married. Seriously, there's definitely problems in your marriage because A) you suspect she's cheating on you (not being able to trust each other is very harmful for a marriage) and B) you can't even talk to her about it.
Successful relationships are built around open and honest communication.
Violating her privacy and personal space will yield information, thoughts and images in your mind you will never be able to forget or purge, regardless of what you find. This course of action leads to ruin regardless. If you find she is cheating, you will lose your relationship. If she finds you are snooping, you will lose your relationship.
Spying is the action of someone looking to end a relationship, not save it.
After reading your post, I'd probably sympathize with you wife, to be honest.
I don't know whether any of you have been in the OP's position, but in any event, my experience says that the stones you're casting in his direction are unwarranted.
I
have been in the OP's position. I
do know how it feels to suspect a cheating spouse, and I know exactly what it does to you inside.
It gnaws at you, and it doesn't stop; it eats away at your mind 24/7, both because you're wondering and because you're hurting at the thought. It's easy for you to come in and say "Just talk to her," but I'm sure the OP will agree with me that talking, at this point,
will not help. Here's why: if he suspects her as strongly as he seems to, then
she's already cheating on him. Talking to her about it won't get him anywhere; she's going to deny it, he won't believe her, and he won't feel any better about things; if anything, the only end result is that she'll start being more diligent about covering her tracks.
Rummaging through her stuff is "effed," is it,
dmr727? It's a lot less effed than cheating. Trust me on this. Chances are good when he finds what he's looking for, he's going to go to her with it and get it out in the open. If he doesn't do this, then the alternative is to wait for her to come clean with it - and he'll be waiting forever for that to happen, all the while living life in misery because he can't put it to bed. I'm all for respecting each other's personal space, as long
as you're both respecting each other. This guy needs closure; I don't mean he
wants closure, he
needs it. If you haven't been there, you don't know.
willbro, you're absolutely right - there
is a problem in his marriage, and talking isn't going to fix it at this point. This isn't about talking out what's wrong in their marriage; this is about him being able to finally put an end to the sleepless nights, the unproductive days, all the wondering about just what the hell is happening. He didn't start a thread that says, "I suspect my spouse of cheating, should I talk to her about it?" - he wants help getting confirmation. Once you reach that point, you already know that talking isn't going to be productive; it's just going to turn into either lies, shouting, or both.
MacDawg, you hit the nail on the head. He knows she's cheating. Trust me on this - once you suspect someone to the level that the OP does, it's pretty much a given; now he just needs to "pull the Band-Aid off quickly" and find out what he needs to know so that he can move on. You ever see one of those interviews of a parent whose child has been missing for years, and they just want to know where the child's body has been dumped, so that they can have closure? It's a bit like that, not taken to that extreme - that tug, that aching feeling of not knowing will never go away until you
do know.
And
Abstract, you don't go into any detail as to why you're vilifying the OP, so I won't hazard a guess; but IMO there's not a damn thing wrong with what he wants.
I would urge everyone who's never been in those shoes to step back and think about it - even then, I don't expect you to "get" it. I do because it's happened to me. I suspected my first wife was cheating - I say "suspected" because I didn't have proof; the reality was that I was absolutely certain of it. Once I got my proof, my heart sank, and I cried. The next day, for the first time in months, I was perfectly fine; I was finally able to make peace with it and accept what was happening, and act accordingly. I have absolutely no regrets over doing what I did; in fact, it surely saved me even more grief, worry, and depression.
