I Feel Like an Underachieving Loser

[CanadaRAM]

Heh - something about Karma - sometimes when I write a long, windy MR reply IE just feezes up the moment I hit submit.

Maybe it's telling me I need to edit better. Or Edit Different. Or something.

Anyway, one thing an artist knows is that misery is fodder for creativity. As soon as I got all married an contented, the songwriting dried up. But damn did I get some good songs out of the 4 ******* years I spent in 'love' with that conniving ****** of a ******* (well, I guess you'll have to wait for the CD to come out finally to get the whole story)

Carsten Stroud wrote in one of his novels that something could be "Bad, in a true way". Not that it wasn't bad, but that it at least was honest and had some validity in one's life history. Sometimes, the energy we put into denying, avoiding or resisting something costs us more than the thing.

I found myself once standing in line for a communal shower, which was, to put it charitably, not pristine. Barefoot in 1/2 inch of slime, with Peter and the Twins getting frostbit under an entirely inadequate towel. It came to me that since
1) I had never experienced this before, and
2) I would never voluntarily do this again, and
3) there weren't a lot of options in the moment anyway,
I would simply experience as much as I could of this, in all its squishy glory. And it made it, well, not pleasant, but more interesting and bearable.

So what am I saying? I don't know, whether you stay or go, play it safe or walk on the wild side, take the energy of avoidance and resistance that would otherwise turn your mind off, and spend it on yourself instead - be vividly present in your life. If you can't enjoy, at least observe, find the small unexpected beauty in the mundane, or find the absurdity in the commonplace.

Thanks for listening to the RAMblings
Trevor

 

[aquajet]

It could always be worse, my friend. My 40-something neighbor just got evicted from his mother's house because his mother was tired of watching him kill himself with alcohol. Last I heard, he was wandering around town, from shelter to shelter, trying to stay alive and get drunk. He's a really cool guy, just severely troubled.

As for myself, well I'm on my eighth year working on my undergraduate degree. I'm unable to complete what I originally intended to do in school because I'm severely paranoid and have a complete lack of trust in myself. I can't do what's been a lifelong dream of mine since I was 6 years old either, because I take medications that disqualify me from the field. I hate what my life has become and the people I get involved with. I always thought college was supposed to be a positive experience, learning about one's self and forming life-long relationships with people. Mostly I've wasted my time doing drugs and forming empty friendships. I've depleted my parent's college fund, and now I'm in over $20k worth of student debt, and I've got nothing to show for it. I won't be eligible for financial aid next year, so it looks like I'll never be able to complete a degree. I'm just a lonely queer that wishes he could realize his dream and find a nice boyfriend. Lot's of nice guys think I'm cute but they're involved in relationships right now. Quite frankly I think I'm not so good-looking. But it's okay, because everyday brings a new experience, and life must be cherished every one of those days, whether they be good or bad. Nobody ever told me it would be easy, and the occasional good day makes it all worth while.

 

[jefhatfield]

don't feel bad since what you are going through is probably the "norm" and not everybody has their art displayed in galleries, or whatever

my late teens and most of my 20s was the textbook definition of the term slacker

...now, many years later, i look back (even proudly) on being part of a phenomenon of sorts and really related to the movie, "reality bites", and found it to be an accurate depiction of many of the townies i grew up with

i have not found a generation since as motivated and idealistic as the one our parents and older siblings belonged to and how they changed society with the women's rights movement, minority rights, and many improvements in social justice in the 60s...i think a lot of the later generations have felt inadequate by comparison and this has somehow translated itself a lot to individuals

 

[Lacero]

John Belushi, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Prestley, Curt Cobain, Phil Hartman, River Phoenix, Tupac, Michael Hutchins, etc....

All died either by suicide because of depression or mental illness, hatred by others or freakish accidents...

Even with all their success, they are pretty unhappy people. So is your unhappiness due to your feeling of not accomplishing what you feel you want in life? If that's the case, I'll do an 'Anthony Robbins' on you and tell you to just go do it. Don't make excuses for feeling down. Posting here looking for sympathy ain't going to help you either. Misery loves company.

 

[jefhatfield]

also, i got to reunite myself with a lot of people during my 20th year high school reunion and the "successful" ones kept on repeating stories of how the grass is not greener on the other side, and how having lots of money and responsibility is not always a great thing

many of them were jealous of how us townies stayed behind and never entered the real or imagined rat race in some "big city" (sf, san jose, los angeles, seattle, etc)

multiple divorces, bankruptcy, lawsuits, and foreclosures were just not usually in the vocabulary of us simpler group of townies who tended to stay married and avoided getting invovled in enron type/dot.com type scandals because the higher you get, the harder you may fall

one ex silicon valley techie said it best when, after years in that grind, told me that there is a reason for a 40 hour work week and that more hours can really burn a person out...when he was a townie and in college working towards a computer science degree, that "big hours job" in the big city is just what he dreamed about, but the reality of being in a high profile field (high tech in the 90s) in a high profile area (san jose) was just the pits for him

 

[highres]

This topic is so appropriate, I just moved back to a small beach town in Central California after spending the last 8 years at a high-pressure, high-profile design agency in Los Angeles making $100K a year and working on average 70-90 hrs a week, and living the fast paced life of an ad exec/art director in L.A. I had always desired to go to the big city and "make it".

After my first 3 years of high stress, working day and night, and sleeping 4 hours a night, I came down with an attack of Bells Palsy (partial facial paralysis) due to stress and fatigue, and was forced to take a good hard look at my health, life and goals. I had gained over 60 lbs from working so much and sitting in front of my computer for for days on end. I recovered fully from the Bells Palsy but got a big wakeup call that I needed to make some changes in my life.

I spent the next 5 years working around 50-60 hours a week learning everything I could so that I could move back to the sleepy little beach town I had originally left, but to still do the same type of work I did in Los Angeles. I have made the move and am now living in a small studio and trying to get my own web and print design business off the ground. Money is really tight and boy do I miss that 100K a year. I have about 10 different irons in the fire and every day is tough and a little scary, but I know I made the right decision moving back here. To me QUALITY of life is more important than QUANTITY of life.

I had to dust off my resume and am stomping the job trail seeking retail or menial work that I am extremely over qualified for, to pay the monthly bills while I work on my first web projects and build up my fragile little company. Right now I have about $20 in my pocket and rent is due. I still have severance package pay coming to me via mail but it is late getting here. I am not used to being penniless.

Today I went out and tried to sell $13,000 worth of jewelry that a client gave me in exchange for adwork a couple of years ago, for $1000 or whatever I could get for it, only to be to be rejected by every jewelry store in town. Tomorrow I will be driving over the hill to San Jose to try the jewelry and pawn shops there. I am down to half a tank of gas and pray my check arrives in the mail tomorrow.

I eat right and exercise now and have lost around 50 lbs and even have a little color on my pale, pasty white, vampire skin that I arrived in town with.

Every day is a little scary but I know that I need to think and stay positive and things will work out. Even with all that said I still feel I made the right choice getting the hell out of L.A. and really going after what makes me happy not just wealthy. If my business is successful things will eventually get easier financially.

I absolutely DON'T miss the 15 Million other people, the smog, the insanely high cost of living, all the grey hairs from stress, the deadlines and daily fires I had to put out. I aged 15 years during the 8 years I was in L.A.

The only advice I have is work hard and pursue what truly makes you happy and the monetary success will follow.

Holy Cow, this is by far the longest post I have ever made on MR, but Guitarius' situation really struck a chord in me.

 

[wrc fan]

Hey my life is looking quite rosey now. Thanks everyone for the sad stories!

The best thing about MR is that the people here actually care about other members. I too have had my moments of depression and I got a lot of kind words. I hope that some day you'll get out of your small town, just like I hope to get out of CA perminately some day. And I hope to someday go to grad school just like all my other friends who now are in grad school while I'm still floundering around at a community college since the AA degree that I got is worthless cause the school is not acredited in CA. Isn't life great!

Oh and like scem0 said, if anyone wants to chat with me, I'd be more than happy to. (In other words, I need more friends... so please, please talk to me!)

 

[TheMonarch]

Hey my life is looking quite rosey now. Thanks everyone for the sad stories!

The best thing about MR is that the people here actually care about other members. I too have had my moments of depression and I got a lot of kind words. I hope that some day you'll get out of your small town, just like I hope to get out of CA perminately some day. And I hope to someday go to grad school just like all my other friends who now are in grad school while I'm still floundering around at a community college since the AA degree that I got is worthless cause the school is not acredited in CA. Isn't life great!

Oh and like scem0 said, if anyone wants to chat with me, I'd be more than happy to. (In other words, I need more friends... so please, please talk to me!)

AA? Art Academy by any chance? Why aren't they accredited? How much did you pay? I've heard a lot about art schools here...

 

[wrc fan]

AA? Art Academy by any chance? Why aren't they accredited? How much did you pay? I've heard a lot about art schools here...

I went to the Art Institute of Seattle... but I wouldn't recommend going to any Art Institute. And it's accredited in some Seattle thing, but not anything recognized out of the Northwest. So the UCs and other California schools won't accept any credit from there. My new rule of thumb is to not go to any schools that you see an advertisement for on TV... unless it's during their bowl game

Oh and if you were thinking AA meant Art Academy, no it means Associate of Arts, like BA means Bachelor of Arts, MA means Master of Arts, &tc...

 

[MontyZ]

.

 

[broken_keyboard]

i have not found a generation since as motivated and idealistic as the one our parents and older siblings belonged to and how they changed society with the women's rights movement, minority rights, and many improvements in social justice in the 60s...i think a lot of the later generations have felt inadequate by comparison and this has somehow translated itself a lot to individuals

Pffft. That generation makes me sick. They are hedonistic and have no concept of growing old gracefully. I admire my grandparents generation more than my parents.

 

[jelloshotsrule]

I know guys that ended up at Berkeley, NYU, Chicago.

let me tell you. getting into, and graduating from, nyu does not guarantee success.

 

[leekohler]

feel the same way. slipping deeper into depression thats a looming black hole, or am i already sucked in?

i need to move from where i am, but i can't right now, im trapped and alone, i hate both of those feelings.

you'll make it through though, hang in there.

Hey man- didn't know things were so bad for you. DEFINITELY meet me Sunday for the roller derby. You need to have some fun. And I can be the King of Fun.

 

[leekohler]

This topic is so appropriate, I just moved back to a small beach town in Central California after spending the last 8 years at a high-pressure, high-profile design agency in Los Angeles making $100K a year and working on average 70-90 hrs a week, and living the fast paced life of an ad exec/art director in L.A. I had always desired to go to the big city and "make it".

After my first 3 years of high stress, working day and night, and sleeping 4 hours a night, I came down with an attack of Bells Palsy (partial facial paralysis) due to stress and fatigue, and was forced to take a good hard look at my health, life and goals. I had gained over 60 lbs from working so much and sitting in front of my computer for for days on end. I recovered fully from the Bells Palsy but got a big wakeup call that I needed to make some changes in my life.

I spent the next 5 years working around 50-60 hours a week learning everything I could so that I could move back to the sleepy little beach town I had originally left, but to still do the same type of work I did in Los Angeles. I have made the move and am now living in a small studio and trying to get my own web and print design business off the ground. Money is really tight and boy do I miss that 100K a year. I have about 10 different irons in the fire and every day is tough and a little scary, but I know I made the right decision moving back here. To me QUALITY of life is more important than QUANTITY of life.

I had to dust off my resume and am stomping the job trail seeking retail or menial work that I am extremely over qualified for, to pay the monthly bills while I work on my first web projects and build up my fragile little company. Right now I have about $20 in my pocket and rent is due. I still have severance package pay coming to me via mail but it is late getting here. I am not used to being penniless.

Today I went out and tried to sell $13,000 worth of jewelry that a client gave me in exchange for adwork a couple of years ago, for $1000 or whatever I could get for it, only to be to be rejected by every jewelry store in town. Tomorrow I will be driving over the hill to San Jose to try the jewelry and pawn shops there. I am down to half a tank of gas and pray my check arrives in the mail tomorrow.

I eat right and exercise now and have lost around 50 lbs and even have a little color on my pale, pasty white, vampire skin that I arrived in town with.

Every day is a little scary but I know that I need to think and stay positive and things will work out. Even with all that said I still feel I made the right choice getting the hell out of L.A. and really going after what makes me happy not just wealthy. If my business is successful things will eventually get easier financially.

I absolutely DON'T miss the 15 Million other people, the smog, the insanely high cost of living, all the grey hairs from stress, the deadlines and daily fires I had to put out. I aged 15 years during the 8 years I was in L.A.

The only advice I have is work hard and pursue what truly makes you happy and the monetary success will follow.

Holy Cow, this is by far the longest post I have ever made on MR, but Guitarius' situation really struck a chord in me.

You hit it man. I've been working on getting my own freelance clients lately, because I'm sick to death of the corporate world. It sucks. They're coming along slowly, but surely. Once I have enough, I'll never step foot in an office again.

 

[devilot]

Just curious, what 'little beach town?' Capitola?! Anyway...

The only advice I have is work hard and pursue what truly makes you happy and the monetary success will follow.

What if you don't know what to pursue? I might qualify as one of the 'fallen stars' some previous posters mentioned... Great high school stats... went right into UC Berkeley. Hated it. Hated it so much. Deteriorated miserably into a freakazoid. Whenever I had left the city for a 'break' and was returning to Bezerkeley, I would start bawling to the point of hyperventilation. Needless to say, I was essentially 'forced' to leave the week before spring semester's final exams.

I was supposed to come back home to the lovely little community college, regain stock of the situation, and determine which lovely university to transfer to next.

Three years later, I'm entering what is technically my fourth year of college, still at that same lame jc (junior college) w/out a clue. I can't seem to get my act together. I am fully capable of accomplishing great things... and yet, not.

Guitarius, fear not, for there will always be those in a worse situation (as demonstrated by previous posters' stories), and of course, some in better situations than you. But as long as there are others who feel as lost and misdirected, you truly aren't alone. To steal iBlue's technique, {{hug}}

 

[Abstract]

Heh...I'm a Drama major.

Really? I couldn't tell from your first post.

 

[Stampyhead]

It's sure easy to base our own self worth on the accomplishments of the people around us, but the only person you need to compete with is yourself. I know where you're coming from. I was stunned this summer when they announced the new conductor of the Phoenix Symphony, and it is a guy I went to school with! I studied music is college and hoped to have a career as a musician. But now I'm working the 8 to 5 thing in an office. Why does he have a great music career and I don't? The answer to that doesn't really matter. His accomplishments don't make me any more or any less of a person. Work hard and follow your dreams, and you'll be successful in whatever you decide to do.

 

[wrc fan]

Three years later, I'm entering what is technically my fourth year of college, still at that same lame jc (junior college) w/out a clue.

4 more years and you'll be where I am! (Something for you to strive for) I'm still jumping around majors and trying to decide on a school to transfer to. Last year I thought I had figured it out and I applied to UCSC, but then I changed my mind about both and stayed at the same place. I'll probably be here forever.

 

[leekohler]

So what exactly is holding you back Guitarius? Why don't you just go? Trust me- if I were you I would just get the hell out. I've done it before, I'm sure I'll do it again.

Take a hard look at what it is you want and how best to acheive it. Then ask yourself if you're getting any closer to your goals by staying. If not, leave. And the sooner you do it, the better.

And if you do leave, you'll be surprised at how all these little things start to happen to help you get where you're going. Money will come from strange places, or you'll run into someone you haven't seen in a while who can maybe help you out with certain things. The most important thing to focus on is forward momentum. Life's too damn short, man. Get up, dust yourself off and get going.

 

[sebisworld]

So... I've been gone for a year now from my little town in Germany. I'm 20, and so far I have done a high school year in Alaska and an internship in Iceland. My boss told me once that he admires my courage. I was proud.
But guess what. Every time I come back, I see those old "losers" again. They have a gf/bf. They have a job. Sure, they are not earning what I think I might be able to earn after college, but they are the ones checking my teeth at the dentist. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have your former classmate check your teeth!? Yeah, sure, I've seen more than them. But I've never settled down.
I really like being home again. Even though, the moment I turn on TV and see snow I know that I have to leave again. And I know I will. But guess what? Next time I come back, those "losers" are gonna be married and have kids. And all I have is memories.

 

[Guitarius]

So what exactly is holding you back Guitarius? Why don't you just go? Trust me- if I were you I would just get the hell out. I've done it before, I'm sure I'll do it again.

Take a hard look at what it is you want and how best to acheive it. Then ask yourself if you're getting any closer to your goals by staying. If not, leave. And the sooner you do it, the better.

And if you do leave, you'll be surprised at how all these little things start to happen to help you get where you're going. Money will come from strange places, or you'll run into someone you haven't seen in a while who can maybe help you out with certain things. The most important thing to focus on is forward momentum. Life's too damn short, man. Get up, dust yourself off and get going.

First off, go where? What is holding me back? A little thing called TOPS. TOPS is a scholarship program that Louisiana offers to all instate residents going to public state schools. They pay pretty much everything. I'm not by any stretch rich. I can't pass up an opportunity like that. I had made an effort to transfer to another school, which I did, and attended for a week. A hurricane hit, and I'm back to my old school. I can't transfer again until next semester, whcih I'm working on, just haven't heard back from anywhere.

I dunno. It's just...you know...I haven't woken up and said "What would really happen if I just stayed in bed and not gone to class today?" since I was little.

 

[highres]

You hit it man. I've been working on getting my own freelance clients lately, because I'm sick to death of the corporate world. It sucks. They're coming along slowly, but surely. Once I have enough, I'll never step foot in an office again.

Hallelujah Brother! You are absolutely right, the corporate world sucks, it's so insidious how they try to become your nuclear family/entire world instead of your real family and friends. 100% loyalty to the corporation, people become just another drone in the hive colony (a little dramatic I know)...Working for yourself is the way to go. A little scary but much more rewarding. Good luck with your freelance efforts, I hope you will be 100% free soon.

 

[leekohler]

I dunno. It's just...you know...I haven't woken up and said "What would really happen if I just stayed in bed and not gone to class today?" since I was little.

Well- you said you wanted to get out of that town, so where you want to go is up to you. But OK- It sounds like you're doing what you need to do at the moment and taking the proper steps to move on. I think what you're feeling right now is frustrated. As far as not being rich, you've probably heard me mention before that moved to Chicago with $800 in my pocket and what would fit in my car. I had absolutely no idea what I would do when I got here- no job prospects whatsoever. But things fell into place in a way I couldn't believe. It was like I was meant to do it. So when the time comes for you to jump- do it. Sounds like you'll know when that time is.

As far as not getting out of bed and not going to class- try it sometime. Take a day and go find out what happens when you don't go for once in your life! Just don't make it a habit.