/me, fitting onto my head the royal crown as Queen of the Internet for as long as this reply takes…
< 👑 _queen_mode >
“In my solemn duty as Queen of the Internet, I hereby ban 100 per cent of all e-commerce activity from the internet, effective from this proclamation. The commercial realm are now tasked, immediately, to invent their own interlinked, networked system which does not and cannot rely on inter-networking-based technologies derived by or descended from the original DARPAnet/ARPAnet, research arising from Tim Berners-Lee, CERN, or that of the IEEE.
“If the e-commerce realm truly and sincerely are what they claim to be and are as essential to everyday life as they contend in their marketing messages, then they shall no doubt find a novel, electronic, networked commerce system whose entire activity will not and cannot encroach upon the internet or rely upon its standards. Abrogators of this proclamation will be subjected to no less than twenty years inside a windowless room and a Pentium desktop from 2004, browsing closed, backed-up archives of commercial sites my Duchess of Archives has organized to have saved to an air-gapped intranet. A second abrogation shall be lifetime consignment to an Amazon warehouse and a bottomless bowl of scrapple porridge. A privy shall be made available. There shall be no recourse for appeal.
“So it is Proclaimed, on this day of our Common Era, the thirtieth of January, Two-Thousand Twenty-Three.”
< /👑 _queen_mode >