Intersexual Etiquette No.1: The Handshake

[Mr Skills]

If you think the handshaking business is confusing, some of you American guys should try living in the UK - especially London...

A combination of British reserve, American influence and becoming increasingly European means you never know whether you should shake hands, kiss on one cheek, kiss on both cheeks, hug ... pretty much the only thing we don't do over here is high five

Seriously, depending on which social/work circle I'm in, people expect to do completely different things, and it can be quite embarrassing to get it wrong. Sometimes in a work situation a polite French cheek-kiss is considered quite proper these days, and sometimes in a social situation people don't like to touch - so there's no easy rule depending on where you are.

 

[Boggle]

I think punching someone in the gut would be a much better form of greeting. Who's with me?
(for those without my tweaked sense of humor, I'm kidding. or am I?)

Now THAT is a good idea.

*Runs off to work and proceeds to punch everyone in the gut*

LOL. I've got this image of an wild-eyed woman, smiling alarmingly @ ppl as she approches @ a flat-out run, long hair flapping behind, one arm raised above her head with a smallish fish sticking out of one fist, and the other arm cocked back for a powerful upper-cut, screaming, "G'morning, BOB!"

Btw, Bob is frozen in terror, in case you care.

 

[nbs2]

At the risk of moving back to the issue of the weak handshake, I'm going to move back to the weak handshake issue.

How does one resolve the overeager clasp on the part of the handshake-mate. This results in you haveing only part of your hand clasped with their's, giving the impression of a supremely weak handshake, bordering on the Homo Handshake that Gary was so kind as to share with us. What is the appropriate ettiquette? Call attention to the speed of the other, wiggle your hand into appropriate position (incurring the wrath of Landover Baptist), ignore the situation and hope it goes away?

 

[rendezvouscp]

If someone grasps my hand too firmly, I either give them a royal grasp myself or let my hand go completely limp; either way, they're bound to notice the change.
-Chasen

 

[wordmunger]

We conducted a survey on Cognitive Daily a while back that should shed a little light on this:

Confident Friend or Diffident Foe

 

[Boggle]

If you think the handshaking business is confusing, some of you American guys should try living in the UK - especially London...

A combination of British reserve, American influence and becoming increasingly European means you never know whether you should shake hands, kiss on one cheek, kiss on both cheeks, hug ... pretty much the only thing we don't do over here is high five

Seriously, depending on which social/work circle I'm in, people expect to do completely different things, and it can be quite embarrassing to get it wrong. Sometimes in a work situation a polite French cheek-kiss is considered quite proper these days, and sometimes in a social situation people don't like to touch - so there's no easy rule depending on where you are.

I don't accept this argument. I Lived in England for almost 3 years after boarding school (93-96), and I've traveled to every continent except Antartica. Very rarely (since puberty which is a whole other kettle of fish) have I had a problem reading someone's body language enough to know if they wanted to be hugged, kissed, shake hands, or nothing @ all. So either I'm soooo much more observant than all but a very few ppl (VERY, VERY UNLIKELY) or most ppl aren't actually paying any attention to the ppl they're greeting (much, much more likely).

 

[gekko513]

I don't accept this argument. I Lived in England for almost 3 years after boarding school (93-96), and I've traveled to every continent except Antartica. Very rarely (since puberty which is a whole other kettle of fish) have I had a problem reading someone's body language enough to know if they wanted to be hugged, kissed, shake hands, or nothing @ all. So either I'm soooo much more observant than all but a very few ppl (VERY, VERY UNLIKELY) or most ppl aren't actually paying any attention to the ppl they're greeting (much, much more likely).

So how did you find out if you read their body language correctly? Did you give them an evaluation form to fill out after you greeted them?

 

[SpookTheHamster]

On a similar note regarding handshaking and/or kiss when greeting etc. what is the most polite way to decline a handshake when offered?

"No thanks, you make me sick"

 

[Boggle]

So how did you find out if you read their body language correctly? Did you give them an evaluation form to fill out after you greeted them?

Nah, I look at them.
Handshakers - eyes are generally not open wide, they don't have excited expressions or big smiles. They generally make and maintain eye contact and extend hand toward your waist from more than an arms length away.
Huggers - eyes are almost always open wider, pupils will dialate, smiles range a lot, but they almost all come up close both arms coming up from sides (or open wide depending on strength of hug) and start leaning in from the waist, long b4 they can actually touch you. Also generally they don't turn their heads.
Cheek Kissers - quick eye contact, but as they come up close the head turns and they usually raise one arm up above your elbow level and THEN lean over at the waist. Those who kiss both cheeks will usually put some pressure on the arm, shoulder (whereever they are touching you) b4 they switch to the other cheek.

It takes less than a second, and most people are so used to doing the same thing over and over that they rarely even acknowledge that the other person might do it differently. Hence my suggestion that most ppl just do what they want and don't pay attention, AND that it isn't hard to figure out, just that most ppl don't bother to care.

 

[2nyRiggz]

Being Italian...i was grown with family members and friends giving me a peck on the cheek(men and women)...i hate it(i really don't like that type of contact but oh well)

Handshakes...i dont mind them, i never saw a problem with shaking a womans hand first....only rule i know is to never squeeze whiles shaking a womans hand.


Bless

 

[mpw]

...i never saw a problem with shaking a womans hand first...

Which begs the question; What part of a women would you shake next?

 

[2nyRiggz]

^The Mind wonders ......

I'm a gentlemen i don't share those things....


Bless

 

[jsw]

Which begs the question; What part of a women would you shake next?

For some reason, that struck me just right, and I laughed out loud while on a work conference call. Bastard.

 

[mpw]

...Bastard.

Ahh, my work is done here.

 

[taytho]

For some reason, that struck me just right, and I laughed out loud while on a work conference call. Bastard.

being on macrumors while at work.... i dont feel that bad for you.


Let me take that back.... i am on macrumors all the time at work and have been in similar situations..... i was late for a meeting the other day actually because i felt the need to respond to someones post in length

 

[2nyRiggz]

^Don't worry there will be some threads stating "MR made me lose my job"...oh yea it's coming....i think 80% of the people here type from work..

Slackers....get to work!...myself included


Bless

 

[jsw]

Just to be clear: I was on a conference call, while sitting at home on the couch, browsing MR and watching the Science Channel.

I didn't want you guys to think I'd do this while actually at work. Of course I do it there too....

 

[floriflee]

Huh... I guess I've never really paid attention to whether I'm the first to offer my hand, but now that I think about it I guess I usually am. I don't feel threatened or anything if a man offers his hand first to me, but it is nice to be given the courtesy to choose. I like it, though, because it's the little things like that and having men open doors for women that keep things on a bit more respectful level. Frankly, I'm all for being treated like a queen.

 

[Mr Skills]

Nah, I look at them.
Handshakers - eyes are generally not open wide, they don't have excited expressions or big smiles. They generally make and maintain eye contact and extend hand toward your waist from more than an arms length away.
Huggers - eyes are almost always open wider, pupils will dialate, smiles range a lot, but they almost all come up close both arms coming up from sides (or open wide depending on strength of hug) and start leaning in from the waist, long b4 they can actually touch you. Also generally they don't turn their heads.
Cheek Kissers - quick eye contact, but as they come up close the head turns and they usually raise one arm up above your elbow level and THEN lean over at the waist. Those who kiss both cheeks will usually put some pressure on the arm, shoulder (whereever they are touching you) b4 they switch to the other cheek.

It takes less than a second, and most people are so used to doing the same thing over and over that they rarely even acknowledge that the other person might do it differently. Hence my suggestion that most ppl just do what they want and don't pay attention, AND that it isn't hard to figure out, just that most ppl don't bother to care.

You are assuming they will always start first, so you can follow. The problem these days is that everyone is waiting to gauge the body language of the other person... so there is often a moment of slightly embarrassing hesitation. That's not people 'not bothering to care' - that's caring too much!

 

[mkrishnan]

What's hidden in there? A condom?

 

[Abstract]

A tip for a...um...............job well done?

 

[Abstract]

I believe it is a expression insecurity (predominantly male).
A "neaderthal" manner to portray yourself as strong/vital... blah blah
We are probably more primitive than we care to admit.

I didn't know I had a strong handshake until someone pointed it out to me. Then another doctor pointed it out to me as well. It's not a "crushing" handshake, but it's strong enough that I don't seem like a complete wuss. To tell you the truth, I still don't think I'm gripping my hands strongly whatsoever when I shake hands with someone.

But I once shook hands with someone that smiled and pretty much tried to crush the bones in my hand with his handshake. My knees weakened a bit and I had this look of agony in my face. I think that mofo probably enjoyed it, because he must have known how much it hurts people.

 

[Xander]

It's considered poor manners for a bloke to extend a hand to a woman, unless she extends first. Your thoughts?

It depends on what angle their hand is at, they could be offering to hold their hand or kiss it, you know... Now and then, they could be offering to shake it. And just a second... Why should the 'homosexual handshake' be any different to the normal?

 

[MarkCollette]

I have a simple protocol in this matter: Get as freaky as you think you can get away with.

It's all a matter of:

- How hot she is
- How single she is
- How hot you think she thinks you are
- How much you already know each other
- How frisky you feel at the moment

So, in regards to the specific question of who extends their arm first, the following additional questions come to mind:

- Are we meeting or leaving?
- What was everyone else doing as part of their greeting/goodbyes?

See, saying goodbye means you've spent some time together, so it's inherently warmer than a greeting. And, typically you can get at least as personal as everyone else.

So, here's our scale of interactions:

1. I take you in my arms, hug and kiss you on the lips
2. I take you in my arms, hug and kiss you on the neck
3. I take you in my arms, lift you up and spin you about, until I gently set you down and you collapse in my arms, and I grab your ass
4. I take you in my arms, hug you warmly
5. I briefly hug you
6. I pat your shoulder
7. I shake your hand - NOT, I've just sneakily upgraded that to kissing your hand, and wispering french phrases to you
8. I shake your hand
9. I nod at you, maybe wave, and say goodbye

As one can see, shaking hands is so far down the scale, that it's probably actually rude to do it. Hence, the woman should extend her arm first, signalling for the cold distant goodbye, otherwise the guy should assume some hug variation.

Other key woman signals:

- Stepping back and away, indicating a nod is appropriate
- Firmly extending the one arm, showing that this is a non-upgradable handshake
- Distant, or sideways-ish hugging to indicate that we're friends of friends
- Turning the face well away when hugging to indicate we're FRIENDS, so don't kiss.
- Slight turning of the face, or going in without lip puckering, to indicate that this can start as a warm hug, but if you have brass balls, then you can kiss the neck, and work it from there.
- Running at the guy with a smile on her face, and her arms outstretched, to indicate spinosity. If she's wearing a short skirt, then friends or not, squeeze her ass cheeks.

 

[Blue Velvet]

I have a simple protocol in this matter: Get as freaky as you think you can get away with.

It's a good thing you're not doing business with our organisation then.