I didn't ask for the job, it's a civic duty. Besides, weren't you the one who showed up to "police" me for being an "a$$"?
Yes, but unfortunately, that is my job. See below:
Dear ChrisNM,
Apple is facing a crisis. Over twenty years ago, a small, self-proclaimed group of elitists was formed to unconditionally support all Apple products, regardless of their actual quality. In the early years of our company, they provided an invaluable service. There was just enough of them to buy our less than successful products to keep our company afloat during those dark years when I was not at the helm of this great company.
But now this group, code named fanboys, has become a liability. Composed primarily of individuals lacking the most basic of social skills with an unfettered devotion to the Apple brand, they are the polar opposite of the target market that are products are designed for. At my personal direction, we have taken many steps to eradicate this scourge, including:
- Ignoring all communications from their so called user groups and alienating them at every opportunity (the very idea that these people think they can tell me what products to offer and how to run my company makes my blood boil).
- Knowing that they would be the first in line to buy the first iPhone, we intentionally jacked up the price $200 and then lowered it several months later. We then offered them a $100 store credit later to further insult them, but most of the fools actually thought it was an accommodation.
- We have constantly been behind in the rest of the market in our core computer business. The current Mac Pro hasn't been updated in years.
- Our latest attempt was to introduce the new iPhone with a special antenna that works fine in the slim hands of our target customers but drops calls when gripped by the large, greasy hands of these fan boys - but consistent with their conditioning, these fan boys continue to insist there is no problem.
For the first time in my career, I am at a loss. How do I make these people go away? That is where you, and others, come in. you must seek out these fan boys wherever they are and discredit them at every opportunity. It shouldn't be difficult, as they never know what they are talking about anyway. It is critical to the long term success of Apple that these vermin be destroyed once and for all. Happy hunting!
Sincerely,
Steve Jobs
CEO
Apple (not computer anymore) Inc.