Okay, so maybe I am just too much into aesthetics, and maybe, as a Sr Data Scientist, my workloads don't involve heavy use of the laptops I work on as most DS is in the cloud anyway, but...these machines look -- as my Midwestern mother would say -- like dogs*t. Pure dogs*t. Like "my dog ate something nasty at the park and is now spreading that nastiness via their diarrhea all around my apartment and there's nothing I can do about it" dogs*t.
They are **far** too thick. The general shape is "retro" as the Verge's reviewer called them: and that **is** true if you want to paint a positive face on something that is overwhelmingly negative.
The reality is that the "retro" design is a huge step backward. This is a design that is the product of far too many compromises and it really shows.
And I say this thinking that the notch everyone has been obsessing about is much less of a big deal than they think it is.
I mean:
(1) the thickness of that heel -- what in the actual f*ck?? No. Just no. This is that cardinal sin that overshadows all others.
(2) the squared-off design is truly retro, yes, but let us all recall that the past sucked, and was the domain of inferior design, not to mention inferior ideas. Let's keep the past where it belongs -- dead and in the past.
(2) the black key bed may have -- in the endless compromising that happened during the production of these attrocities -- seemed like a good idea. But it was not. Not only does it mar the base of the machine, it looks very, very cheap.
(3) those feet really look awful. Far too noticeable.
(4) the numerous reports that the "MacBook Pro" logo on the bottom of the screen was going away were true...but instead Apple decided that STAMPING THE LOGO IN THE BOTTOM OF THE MACHINE WAS A GOOD IDEA. Oh, now **that** doesn't look cheap in the least! Not at all! It's so much better that it's now stamped, in much larger type, into the bottom of the device rather than in small type at the bottom of the screen. Classy.
(5) the raw aluminum models always looked inferior to their gray counterparts, but now with these garbage designs, which clearly show that fears of a fall off in aesthetics with the departure of Ive were more than warranted, really look awful. Like "who would in their right mind buy this thing" awful.
(6) those 14-inch models, with the new thickness and inferior "squared off" design look **especially** terrible don't they? Like 2003-era 12-inch Powerbook bad, don't they? They totally do.
(7) the legacy ports that no one needs! Or, rather, that only a small, vocal minority needs! I don't need an HDMI port -- and I work in tech! -- and I DEFINITELY do not need an SDI card slot for my f*cking work machine. And that is true for the **vast majority** of those in tech who work on Apple devices daily.
(8) stupid f*cking Magsafe is back! Yay, a proprietary power connection that -- in 2021 -- is solely a power connection, nothing more. But, oh wait, you can **also charge** the device with the USB-C ports, but you'll need to switch out the line on your brick to do that...so there are now two ways to charge your device! A proprietary garbage way to do so -- "but you won't have to worry about someone tripping over the cord, which almost never happens!" -- and a non-proprietary way...where you would then need to worry about someone tripping over your cord! So don't worry about someone tripping over your cord, but also worry about it, depending on which port you're using. This is clearly a well-thought-out charging system and in no way a reflection of the fact that these devices are design- and usability-wise pure dogs*t.
I could go on and on. There is a lot of fanboying going on...and I think it's telling that Apple gave themselves a weeklong lead for pre-orders before we started seeing these dogs*t-looking devices in the wild.
Because once you see the non-Apple images, such as the pictures posted on the Verge and elsewhere, you really get a sense of how ugly and lacking in aesthetics these products are. I mean, really, really unattractive from every angle. If you put them next to the previous models that are **supposed** to look dated, it's the new models that instead look like -- as I keep saying -- dogsh*t.
Oh, and they come with a rather hefty price increase. Nice.
I can **hear** the pushback in my views and...whatever. And I really do mean "whatever": I don't care about your supposed need for HDMI and SD slots -- most of you just think you need them. The Touch Bar was fine, if a little useless, and **full height** f-keys are 100% unnecessary and ugly.
Ugh. I just can't with these machines.
Everyone is crowing that "Apple is back" but these machines in no way feel like this is the correct take -- these machines are a huge step backward, and show that Apple has lost it design-wise and that the premium one once paid for the fact that, historically, Apple devices were orders of magnitude better than their competitors is **in no way** the case anymore.
The biggest slap in the face here with these designs is that they are f*cking ugly, yes. But it's also that Apple has put out these inferior devices and **dramatically** increased the price premium as well.
And, to repeat myself, I think the most telling thing here is the way Apple announced these devices and embargoed the reviews so as to maximize pre-orders for a week. Once you see these pieces of sh*t in the wild you will inevitably look at the poor, cheap-looking design and say to yourself "wtf is this?"