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Mom suspected with cheating on dad, should I medal?

dontwalkhand

dontwalkhand

macrumors 604
Original poster
Ever since I moved out, it seems the relationship between my mom and my dad have been going sour. I've been getting advice from friends, and some said I should medal, and some say I shouldn't bother.

The issue is, she has been making a lot of international calls, and text messages, as well as Skype to a guy (that she knows, so its not a money scam) Cambodia. The guy in Cambodia claims that he loves her very much, and is coming to the US so they can get married. With my dad not knowing what to do to stop this, I really don't know what I should do either. I do not look at my mom the same way now, just because of all of this. I really do not want to see them separate.

My dad is never home, he works literally from 7AM to 10PM every day, because he owns a convenience store in South Phoenix. My mom does nothing but sit at home, and plays on the computer.

Is there a way I can record the Skype calls secretly, while it runs in the background on her MacBook? (Because I bought her the MacBook, isn't it mine to take back if she wants to continue doing this?)

Also, is there a way to go through her iPhone backups to be able to read the international text messages?

I can't afford the gas to keep driving to my parent's house every day just to check up on the status, as I live pretty far away, but this is what I had to keep doing.
 
Absolutely meddle! These are your parents and if one is going down a path that she shouldn't you need to wake her up. I would actually talk to your mother directly to see why she is doing what she is doing. If she is interested in saving her marriage, maybe she should help at the store where she can spend time with her husband.
 
stay out of it ... there is nothing you can do that will help the situation ... your parents relationship will sort itself out.

It could be more complicated than you know
 
fireshot91 said:
Surely you mean meddle? 😛
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Who me?😉

Contiguous said:
This is between your mom and your dad. What are you hoping to gain by secretly recording your mother?
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Exactly. Don't get involved. It's between your Mom & Dad, and it's probably more complicated than you think. I've been there, and it wasn't fun, but in the end it was better for everyone that my parents got divorced. I had my brother and sister to talk to while it was going on. Talking to someone really helped. Is there anyone you are close enough with that you could confide in?
 
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Don't get involved. I've been there, there is nothing you can do to help, they have to help themselves. If you help, all they are going to do is make you choose sides and that's not fun.
 
dontwalkhand said:
Ever since I moved out, it seems the relationship between my mom and my dad have been going sour. I've been getting advice from friends, and some said I should medal, and some say I shouldn't bother.
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No you shouldn't meddle.

You are 21. Get on with your own life.
As for taking away your Mom's MacBook… that'd be petty.
 
dontwalkhand said:
My dad is never home, he works literally from 7AM to 10PM every day, because he owns a convenience store in South Phoenix. My mom does nothing but sit at home, and plays on the computer.
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I think you should mind your own business, it's an issue with them and not you. Don't you think that part of their problems might have to do with the fact that he's never home? It doesn't make it right for you to eavesdrop and spy on your mom's business. I can guarantee you that you're dad's not entirely oblivious to their problems, and you run a high risk of burning all bridges with one of your parents.
 
Apple OC said:
stay out of it ... there is nothing you can do that will help the situation ... your parents relationship will sort itself out.

It could be more complicated than you know
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Best advice. IMHO, I wouldn't get involved, I'm sure there's allot more going on in their relationship/marriage than you know.

Find someone you're close to that you can talk to, if you intervene, you'll end up having to choose sides when things get uglier.
 
OP, do you mind if I ask how old you are and your nationality/ethnicity/cultural background? I'm not trying to pry, but simply seeking to better understand the responsibility you feel in your present situation. It sounds like you are not the typical American whose basis for family and culture is individualistic, but that you might come from a background where respect for parents and the responsibility of their care falls on you. This is seen in more group oriented and collective cultures where children are expected to be involved in their parent's lives as they transition into the role of caretaker as they get older.

Part of the challenge in what you are facing is what a national radio personality I sometimes listen to calls "powedered butt syndrome". What this means is that it's really hard to exert influence or provide wisdom/counsel to someone who has "powdered your butt" i.e. changed your diapers, namely your parents. They are by nature challenged and defensive when you attempt to "correct them" because for the majority of your life it's been them taking care of and teaching you about life.

The most important thing you can do at this point is accept the universal truth that the only person in life you can have any control over is yourself. There's nothing wrong with being there to support them or even making your feelings known, but ultimately you can not make decisions for them. Do you have any siblings or are there other family members involved that you could talk to about this?
 
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Something similar happened to someone I know. His mom's in a bad place right now. The best advice I can give is, when things turn really sour, don't party to forget your troubles, and drink so much you pass out standing up and get a concussion.

Otherwise, I'd maybe have a private talk with your mom, and call her out... or don't do anything.
 
You are pretty much screwed no matter what you do.
Best defense you have is to stay out of it because if you get involved you will lose your relationship with at least one and chances are you will loss both.

Your fear would be being dragged into the court battle. This will end in a very ugly and expensive divorce. If you mom has any dignity she will walk away from the marriage and not demand much if anything.
 
glossywhite said:
If you care about your family - notice the accentuation there, MR readers, in case you'd lost focus on that rather relevant point, then do what you deem fit.
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^ This! I still can't believe that all you people are saying to simply stay out of it. These are his parents so he is smack in the middle of it. If it were my mother we would have serious words. Want to cheat? Fine, fess up and move out. What a sad lot... I would go to extremes for my family, looks like the lot of you would rather ignore them.
 
Its one of those things where if you meddle, perhaps maybe you can open your mothers eyes that what she is doing is wrong. And your fathers eyes that he needs to spend more time with your mother. Maybe you can save their marriage. Maybe itll blow up in your face. But at least in the end you wont be thinking "what if" for the rest of your life.
 
If I were you, I would confront your mother and tell her to either tell her husband about her phone calls, or you will tell him for her.

If she had a job, I would probably advise not to interfere. But seeing as she is simply sitting on her a$$ while your father works, intervention is required.
 
You've moved out to have your own life.

Be consistent and don't meddle.

Let Joe from Cambodia bang your mom, if she wishes so - she probably has a plan of her own.

You are opening a can of worms otherwise. Won't be pleasant.
Both parents will probably hate you in the end.

Go the Daoist way: go with the flow and let things work on their own.

At the end of the day, you will be probably able to exploit mom's heavy guilt feelings for cookies while strengthening your bond with dad over this (and, uh, over a couple of beers on him) at the same time.

Everybody's happy.

Win-win.

Fugue said:
If I were you, I would confront your mother and tell her to either tell her husband about her phone calls, or you will tell him for her.

If she had a job, I would probably advise not to interfere. But seeing as she is simply sitting on her a$$ while your father works, intervention is required.
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WHAT, is there still people who don't have to work? WTF?

My inner trotzkist then says: meddle, meddle.
 
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"I'm alright, Jack" - the attitude of today, EVEN WHEN it comes to one's family.


Sickening. Mind you, I doubt most of you would even notice that your family was falling apart, because you're too busy posting on forums. Crazy!
 
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