Got a tip for us?
Let us know
Become a MacRumors Supporter for $50/year with no ads, ability to filter front page stories, and private forums.
Money & Friends Don't Mix.
- Thread starter Healer Flame
- Start date
- Sort by reaction score
I believe such a quid pro quo arrangement is recognized as prostitution.
Mate, if your laughing wakes your wife up, you're not getting the quid pro quo type of deal you think you'll get. A smack upside your head, sure.
I'm probably about £500+ out of pocket because of various people, but hey at least you can work out who to trust.
No more lending anything. Sad but I have been messed about too much.
No more lending anything. Sad but I have been messed about too much.
Problem is no valid contracts or agreements between family and friends so they become unsecured debtors and you pay the price and the risks.
I borrowed a considerable sum from my father years ago. I've paid that borrowed amount back several times over. It isn't like they need the money, but it's a way of saying thank you for believing in me.
I would lend money without expectation of getting paid back to immediate family, even extending to my nieces and nephews. Anyone else and I simply wouldn't. I think this is a better answer than my original one if I posted one. I don't remember and am too lazy to check.
[doublepost=1564019942][/doublepost]
I would lend money without expectation of getting paid back to immediate family, even extending to my nieces and nephews. Anyone else and I simply wouldn't. I think this is a better answer than my original one if I posted one. I don't remember and am too lazy to check.
[doublepost=1564019942][/doublepost]
Wasn't referring to the tiny head.
Surprised many of you saying you won't expected it back. Lending is lending and giving is giving .
I’ve both borrowed and loaned to family. I paid more than going rate when I borrowed, and treated the loans I made as a gift so it wouldn’t bother me if I wasn’t repaid.
@Gutwrench and @chown33 well played! Brought a smile to my face on a Thursday morning!
I have been in your situation several times, OP. I have given people (not related to me in any way) several thousands of dollars over the years, along with some physical items where some were important to me, even if the item did not hold a lot of monetary value.
When I help people, I try to remember the following...In giving said persons help in whatever form, I am not dictating to them how they use the gift they were given. I am simply honoring my heart in trying to help someone. If I were to try and control every single thing that person did so that my gift wouldn't be abused or forgotten, it wasn't really a gift to begin with, even if the person asked to "borrow" from me.
Life is not about keeping tabs and making sure every interaction you have with someone is balanced on both sides of the proverbial equation.
In my opinion, the reason you are angry, frustrated or whatever label you wish to attach is because you had (and still have) the wrong mindset about giving. A lot of times people get angry with each other, because person A doesn't say or act in a way person B expects them to. And it is the wrongful projection of expectation that is often at the root of anger and resentment.
You can't control what other people do. Once you offer words of advice, money, or physical goods, the onus is on the recipient to place value on the gift by acting in a manner befitting the gift that was given. If the recipient of the gift dishonors the gift and the spirit it was given, that doesn't make the gift any less meaningful or merited.
When I help people, I try to remember the following...In giving said persons help in whatever form, I am not dictating to them how they use the gift they were given. I am simply honoring my heart in trying to help someone. If I were to try and control every single thing that person did so that my gift wouldn't be abused or forgotten, it wasn't really a gift to begin with, even if the person asked to "borrow" from me.
Life is not about keeping tabs and making sure every interaction you have with someone is balanced on both sides of the proverbial equation.
In my opinion, the reason you are angry, frustrated or whatever label you wish to attach is because you had (and still have) the wrong mindset about giving. A lot of times people get angry with each other, because person A doesn't say or act in a way person B expects them to. And it is the wrongful projection of expectation that is often at the root of anger and resentment.
You can't control what other people do. Once you offer words of advice, money, or physical goods, the onus is on the recipient to place value on the gift by acting in a manner befitting the gift that was given. If the recipient of the gift dishonors the gift and the spirit it was given, that doesn't make the gift any less meaningful or merited.
Yah if you're determined to be transactional about everything, go for it but probably don't transact "loans" with kin or friends. Otherwise if someone asks to borrow money that you can afford to lose, consider it a gift inside your heart. If you do lend money to them and they insist it's a loan to be paid back then just say "Sure, and so when you can manage it, that's fine." If you can't say that then it's not a gift in your heart and you're going to be pissed off when they can't repay it. Whatever you do, don't lend out the grocery money. The disappointment rises in direct proportion to how badly you end up needing what you handed out with expectation of repayment.
I'd sooner give money to someone than lend an object I actually care a great deal about that I may not be able to replace at all. That from a few experiences I didn't consider carefully enough at the time. It's not that people may mean to damage or lose a borrowed object, it's just that it may happen and then... it can be quite hard on both parties to know what to say or do. I lent an irreplaceable book to someone once and he laid it down in the kitchen one afternoon and a member of his family watered an asparagus fern overhead a little later; the excess water ran out unnoticed at the time and completely ruined the book. By time it was noticed, even a restorer could not manage to bring it back to usability.
Lessons learned: take my money, please. Don't ask to borrow my lawn mower or binoculars, or that old cream pitcher for your organization's homebrew art exhibit at the fundraiser.
I'd sooner give money to someone than lend an object I actually care a great deal about that I may not be able to replace at all. That from a few experiences I didn't consider carefully enough at the time. It's not that people may mean to damage or lose a borrowed object, it's just that it may happen and then... it can be quite hard on both parties to know what to say or do. I lent an irreplaceable book to someone once and he laid it down in the kitchen one afternoon and a member of his family watered an asparagus fern overhead a little later; the excess water ran out unnoticed at the time and completely ruined the book. By time it was noticed, even a restorer could not manage to bring it back to usability.
Lessons learned: take my money, please. Don't ask to borrow my lawn mower or binoculars, or that old cream pitcher for your organization's homebrew art exhibit at the fundraiser.
Good post but i don't have a wrong mindset about giving and helping people. It really depends what was said, who the person is and what was taken.
Some people are senseless and opportunistic, they have no clue how much a borrowed item means to you and either they don't return it or give it to you in a poor condition. Having said that lesson learned so i won't put myself in that situation.
I am not being transactional about everything. I gave/lent people $20, $50 and even $100 i lost how many times but its not a big deal , it made me feel good helping others.
That wasn't aimed at you personally. I should have said "If someone is going to be transactional about everything..."
We all do probably know a few people who really do pretty much keep scorecards, not necessarily out of selfishness or determination "not to be cheated" by anyone but because in their own mind it makes things clear or simple:
my turn to pick up the lunch tab, your turn to take out the trash, gee when was the last time he ever moved the car before 8am for the alternate-side parking rules, I worked until 3am so they owe me and I ain't goin' in until noon, and so if I lend my buddy $5 to payday then by god he'd better be in my cube with the fiver on Monday and he's lucky I don't charge interest.
I suppose all that's fine until someone starts getting obsessive about making sure to the penny that no one "owes" anyone anything on stuff like lunch tabs. (gee when I paid, everyone had dessert and now she's picking it up when everybody but her passed on even a 2nd coffee...)
LOL around here there's a fair amount of barter goes on so it gets ridiculous trying to take a transactional mindset to some things. I mean you can trade eggs for potatoes but no one's going to try to even it up with half a potato or just the white of the last egg.
Few around here lend money because most do subscribe to "neither a borrower nor lender be..." when it comes to cash which no one has a lot of anyway. People borrow equipment all the time but you only default once on return of that in good condition and you're pretty much done for life, given the smalltown grapevine.
I've loaned money to friends and family but for friends they have to be REALLY liked by me and I never expect it back but even if they don't pay me back I will get it back one way or the other by having them buy me food here and there or a drink etc. Like other people have said before if you expect it it really just creates hate inside of yourself so I try not to do that, for my sanity alone.
My hat's off to you.
Wise, intelligent thoughts.
Expectations and reality...
Balanced interactions, relations and reality...
Individual norms and reality...
Projection of our inner world on others...
Last edited:
Here in Australia its extremely rare to ask neighbors to borrow anything , never done it anyway.
Where i came from its normal to grab bread, salt, suger, milk etc..etc... from your neighbors. Very common.
I’ve never borrowed food from anyone. It’s hard to give back! To be honest we never run out of anything. If we did I’d just go to the local shop.
Probably more normal in the country than it is in the suburbs or a small village/town. I tend to buy things in bulk, like a 20 kg bag of sugar instead of the small bags. It's a ballache to be in the middle of a recipe and realize you haven't got something on hand.
Mrs AFB buys everything in bulk. I sometimes wonder if she’s a preper getting ready for the zombie apocalypse!
Nah, doubt it. Preppers are a weird bunch. Nice people, but when they get onto the prepper stuff you wonder about their mental health. Though there's various range of preppers. Most common I've come across are people who live in areas where natural disaster strikes often and it makes sense to be prepared. Others think a nuclear blast will occur.
That said, preppers are also some of the best people to ask for nature advice because they're usually the type of person who knows how to live off the land, off the grid and are very capable in most environments they've honed their skills in.