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My guy friend likes me but I don’t like him back, what do I do?

M

Moonlightsupper

macrumors newbie
Original poster
Jan 18, 2012
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So me and this guy, we’ve known each other for a few years now. We’re pretty close and I love him dearly as a friend but honestly, I just don’t see him in a romantic way. In fact, I just don’t want to date anyone right now. I’m pretty sure he knows this too, that’s why he hasn’t asked me out or made a move, but it’s still kind of awkward/uncomfortable knowing that he likes me. And I value him as a friend so I don’t want to ruin/make things awkward by telling him upfront.

He hasn't told me that he liked me yet. He's close to one of my friends and he tells her everything and through her, I know what's going on in his mind. He basically has the same mindset as me -- He's afraid that confessing to me will scare me away.
 
Omg, we're actually witnessing the infamous friendzone from a feminine point of view! ;)

What I can tell is, living with false hopes for a long time is worse than having a "slap on the face" once. I'm the kind of guy that can get "obsessed" by a girl for long periods of time. Not obsessed in the sense of stalking, but rather by not moving along when realizing that there is no way this can develop into a romantic relationship. I feel like there is some hope, but in the end nothing happens, so it would just be better to have the certitude that no, she is not interested, so I would move along.

(Some of you might wonder why I didn't ask her out, it's because I knew she would say no. I guess I didn't want to face the cold hard truth.)
 
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Straight Men and Women can't really be friends. Eventually something WILL have to give.
 
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tell him your feelings and thoughts. Or the pure friendship will change slowly.
 
lewis82 said:
What I can tell is, living with false hopes for a long time is worse than having a "slap on the face" once. I'm the kind of guy that can get "obsessed" by a girl for long periods of time. Not obsessed in the sense of stalking, but rather by not moving along when realizing that there is no way this can develop into a romantic relationship. I feel like there is some hope, but in the end nothing happens, so it would just be better to have the certitude that no, she is not interested, so I would move along.
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This. been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. More than once. For the love of all that is holy, don't let the guy string himself along. Guys do not think clearly when it comes to women and will hallucinate signs, messages, signals, and cues at will, and see a future where there is none. Help him understand that he's a good friend and could always be that... but not more. Maybe here's how:

HighTopFade said:
Maybe ask your friend to tell him for you.
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Unless your friend doesn't want to be "the bad guy" I would try sending a message back along the wires. Tell your friend to say it came out of casual conversation, but in reality, choose your words carefully. Be tactful, respectful, and concentrate on the good things about the relationship the way it is now. Hopefully it can continue. Good luck.
 
daneoni said:
Men and women can't really be friends. Eventually something WILL have to give.
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I don't think that is necessarily true. My best friend in High School was a girl. I always thought of her as a boy though, so I think that is why nothing ever happened. One of my good friends now is also a girl, and more attractive that my best friend was. Her I think of as a sister. Still, if I were drunk enough...

So I guess your statement does have some truth. :p
 
Ivan P said:
Really? 90% of my friends are female. Or maybe you meant "straight men and women can't really be friends"?
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Precisely. The prospect of sex has to be completely off the table...which only truly happens if one of them plays for the other team.
 
SuperCachetes said:
This. been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. More than once. For the love of all that is holy, don't let the guy string himself along. Guys do not think clearly when it comes to women and will hallucinate signs, messages, signals, and cues at will, and see a future where there is none. Help him understand that he's a good friend and could always be that... but not more. Maybe here's how:



Unless your friend doesn't want to be "the bad guy" I would try sending a message back along the wires. Tell your friend to say it came out of casual conversation, but in reality, choose your words carefully. Be tactful, respectful, and concentrate on the good things about the relationship the way it is now. Hopefully it can continue. Good luck.
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This. I bought the same t-shirt several times.
 
acidfast7 said:
just give the guy a chance, what's the worst that can happen?
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I'm going to second this, and here's why:

The worst thing that can happen giving the relationship a chance is that you lose the friendship. That's a possibility if you give him a straight "no", too.

The best thing that can happen is you wind up in a good relationship. That's a net benefit for both of you.

And, in my opinion, being told "we tried, and it didn't work" is better than being told "no". If you try and it doesn't work, well, you both know it doesn't work. Whereas if you just say "no", he has loads of room to wonder if it would have worked, why you said no, etc.

In my experience, I maintain far better friendships/working relationships with girls who give it a chance than I do with those that flat-out refuse. I can't claim to speak for all men, though. :)
 
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Just string him along and let him take you out and pay for dates, fix your car, and whatever else you can think of.

That's what most people do in my experience. Not first hand, but having watched friends time and time again get used like that. And it does go both ways.
 
Demosthenes X said:
I'm going to second this, and here's why:

The worst thing that can happen giving the relationship a chance is that you lose the friendship. That's a possibility if you give him a straight "no", too.

The best thing that can happen is you wind up in a good relationship. That's a net benefit for both of you.

And, in my opinion, being told "we tried, and it didn't work" is better than being told "no". If you try and it doesn't work, well, you both know it doesn't work. Whereas if you just say "no", he has loads of room to wonder if it would have worked, why you said no, etc.

In my experience, I maintain far better friendships/working relationships with girls who give it a chance than I do with those that flat-out refuse. I can't claim to speak for all men, though. :)
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I burned many a good friendship this way, at least initially. If we're both mature about it, we become friends again (and randomly hook up from time to time, if our current partner is cool with it, which most are.)
 
Two options:

1. Sleep with him, which will help him get it out of his system. Keep it purely mechanical with no romance. No kissing. Should be easy since you are not interested in him romantically.

or

2. Set him up on a date with another girl/help him find a girlfriend. Be his wingman. Treat him like guys treat each other. This will give you ample opportunity to say you have no romantic interest in him but will help him find a girl who will.
 
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If I thought I liked a lady and she didn't like me back and I didn't know it, I'd want to know! How he deals with it is his own problem (although offering to be a wingman doesn't hurt! shouldn''t force yourself to do that if he wasn't worth doing it for though lol)
 
eric/ said:
Just string him along and let him take you out and pay for dates, fix your car, and whatever else you can think of.

That's what most people do in my experience. Not first hand, but having watched friends time and time again get used like that. And it does go both ways.
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Thats trashy.
 
I have a similar problem, except I'm not that close to the guy friend (went to high school together, but didn't really talk to him until recently). I've tried friend zoning him but we have quite a few mutual friends that he's apparently told that he likes me, which is making it kinda awkward for me since they're trying to get me to date him too.

Straight Men and Women can't really be friends. Eventually something WILL have to give.
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Kinda agree with this. There's a reason why most of my guy friends are either gay or in a relationship.
 
acidfast7 said:
just give the guy a chance, what's the worst that can happen?
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If she's not attracted to him, I think it's far more cruel to try and force it than to just be honest. Sometimes the vibe just isn't there for whatever reason.

OP - Tell him in as kind a way as you can think of that you're not interested in him romantically, but that you enjoy his friendship, and if he can handle continuing with it than you'd like to stay friends. Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth, but it's much better than giving him hope that something might happen if it never will.
 
My advice probably isn't suited for your age group, but hell, who doesn't like to pontificate on the Internet.

To be quite frank, I would stop all this message by proxy crap. Don't act like you're in high school (I'm assuming you're not). Both of you need to be adults and talk to each other directly about how you feel (no texts, emails, etc. Do it in person!). This will go a long way. Be honest and everything will work out in the end. He may or may not stay around--that's life. If the friendship wasn't meant to be (or last) then it won't; prolonging the inevitable isn't the upstanding thing to do.

Also, be aware that the general societal construct of a "relationship" doesn't actually have to be your way of carrying out one. Again, it's not high-school. Some of the more rewarding "relationships" I had were more like "**** buddy" situations where we were good friends (and then some). The concept of a traditional relationship doesn't need to be your "style"-- not everyone needs rigid social constraints (time, friends, partners, etc). Ideally your partner should pretty much be your best friend; if it so happens that you prefer to hang out, have sex, and do whatever else you'd like on the side without the usual relationship commitments, then so be it. One mold does not fit everyone-- a relationship should be an evolving process. Don't close your eyes.

Just my opinion.
 
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