Need help with girlfriend smoking

[mahashel]

Wow.. manipulation city around here.

To me it's a simple choice... Do you want to devote your time and energy to someone who insists on doing something you don't think you can live with?
I have a very cavalier perspective on this, I guess, but it's the way I roll.

If I care about someone and it comes to light that they have a trait/habit/addiction that I don't think I can live with, then I clearly inquire how important said trait/habit/addiction is to them. I state that the behavior is a deal-breaker and give them the option to adjust. (don't demand it)
There are usually three possible outcomes here: (using smoking as the vice since it's what the OP is dealing with)

1) Brutal honesty.
I give HUGE props to people who go "I'm a smoker, and I like to smoke. You hate it, so this isn't going to work. Maybe I'll see ya around." Kinda painful to split up, but it's honest and takes balls to be so open. This is usually not the case, however.

2) Open, honest adjustment.
People in a relationship do need to compromise from time to time. (if you're spending 90% of your time compromising, then you need to consider hitting the scene again) There are silly little habits, quirks, and traits that people have that get on everyone's nerves. If someone I care about clearly states to me that one of said quirks really bothers them, then I may consider adjusting it. This is healthy, *IF* it's well communicated and the change remains the decision of the individual who is adjusting their behavior. (unfortunately smoking is a lot more powerful and emotional an addiction, so this option is a lot less probable for smoker vs non-smoker issues)

3) The slow death of deception.
Usually people say whatever it takes to get out of whatever hot water they think they're in, and then sneak back into their old habits.
I tend to walk away from situations like this. Not only because I feel it's a breach of trust when they sneak a smoke, but to continue the relationship would lead down a road of nastiness.. passive-aggressive manipulation, shame, deception, and dishonesty. Not exactly hallmarks of a healthy union.

The fact that she's sneaking cigarettes when you're not looking makes me think you're in situation #3.
This is not a complete disaster though. You both still have an opportunity to *decide* to be open about it. No more avoiding the issue for you or her. Be open with her about how much it bothers you (resist the urge to toss a guilt trip on her). She can decide to be completely open about it as well. Set goals and be encouraging. However, if it spirals back into "I'll sneak a cigarette even though I promised I wouldn't", then to quote Iron Maiden.. "Run to the hills! Run for your life!!"
Just my 2 cents' worth of gloom.

 

[stomer]

This is a touchy subject to ask people advice on. If it were me, I'd tell her it's either me or the cigarettes -- you can't have both.

Not sure she'd appreciate an ultimatum. The OP should just make the decision to either end the relationship or put up with the smoking and possibly help her quit, whilst being fully aware that she may never give up.

 

[Bogie]

Take up pipe smoking instead. It's less addictive and more healthy. In fact, studies have shown that moderate pipe smokers actually like two years longer than non smokers.

And I'm talking pipes as in briar and cobb. Not stupid stoner pipes.

 

[carlgo]

Take up pipe smoking instead. It's less addictive and more healthy. In fact, studies have shown that moderate pipe smokers actually like two years longer than non smokers.

And I'm talking pipes as in briar and cobb. Not stupid stoner pipes.

You just brought up a question: I know corncob, I know stupid stoner pipes (I actually just found one in a parking lot, beautiful ceramic and full of weed), but what in the hell is briar? I have heard of briar pipes and briar patches all my life, but really, come to think of it, have no idea of what that is.

So, I looked it up. Briars are thicket-forming thorny plants. Say that fast. It was also an ethnic slur directed at people who moved from West Virginia to work in the industries of the mid-west. Must be like refugees from Oklahoma being called Okies.

Just a free factoid to make our lives better and to appear smarter, which you need to do if you use stupid stoner pipes.

 

[snickelfritz]

Your girlfriends' choice to hide her smoking from you, is a direct result of your demanding behavior on this subject.
She wants to be accepted by you, and this is probably the single most important aspect of any relationship.

You should face the fact that you are not conveying acceptance to her, or she would never have hidden the cigarettes from you.
Many relationships and marriages begin to decay from the first day, due to these subtle rejections and base differences in philosophy.
People often get together just to avoid being alone.

Personally, I think she should have just walked away from the relationship the first time she felt compelled to hide her behavior from you.
There are plenty of nice guys that will accept her for who she is, bad habits and all.

 

[emw]

Who am I to deprive someone of something they enjoy?

Ask yourself that when she's wheezing from emphysema or suffering from lung cancer. I'd say she's potentially depriving you of something you enjoy. Her.

 

[bartelby]

Ask yourself that when she's wheezing from emphysema or suffering from lung cancer. I'd say she's potentially depriving you of something you enjoy. Her.

Yes. I've asked her to stop. I'm not going to force her. We all die.

 

[emw]

Yes. I've asked her to stop. I'm not going to force her. We all die.

Yes, I suppose that's true. I'd just rather not accelerate the process.

But I understand when you love someone, there are always choices to be made, and better to have her now with the risks than to not be with her at all.

 

[bartelby]

But I understand when you love someone, there are always choices to be made, and better to have her now with the risks than to not be with her at all.

Like I said. I asked her to stop. I'm not going to force my lifestyle choice on anyone.

 

[emw]

Like I said. I asked her to stop. I'm not going to force my lifestyle choice on anyone.

Sorry, that was my point.

I agree with what you've done. Asking her is all you can do, and I would probably do the same thing. I may not like if my wife started smoking, but I certainly would be more unhappy if I chose to leave her over it rather than be with her despite the risk she was taking by smoking.

 

[bartelby]

Sorry, that was my point.

I agree with what you've done. Asking her is all you can do, and I would probably do the same thing. I may not like if my wife started smoking, but I certainly would be more unhappy if I chose to leave her over it rather than be with her despite the risk she was taking by smoking.

I probably misread your post too

It can be tough and irritating at times to see her smoke. But I used to smoke, gave it up 17 years ago, so I can relate to the enjoyment factor.

 

[Sannekita]

I'd tell her that you don't want her ending up like her sister because you care about her, love her and want to grow old with her. Tell her she doesn't have to hide her smoking for you and that you will help her with a program you guys figure out where she lessens her cigarettes/day every week. Tell her you love and support her...
That's what I'd want to hear (i'm a girl)

 

[Bogie]

You just brought up a question: I know corncob, I know stupid stoner pipes (I actually just found one in a parking lot, beautiful ceramic and full of weed), but what in the hell is briar? I have heard of briar pipes and briar patches all my life, but really, come to think of it, have no idea of what that is.

So, I looked it up. Briars are thicket-forming thorny plants. Say that fast. It was also an ethnic slur directed at people who moved from West Virginia to work in the industries of the mid-west. Must be like refugees from Oklahoma being called Okies.

Just a free factoid to make our lives better and to appear smarter, which you need to do if you use stupid stoner pipes.

Briar is a kind of wood that comes specifically from the roots of trees. It's extremely hard and hence can hold up to the smoldering tobacco in the bowl. The pipes are really beautiful too. I use a Stanwell which is based in Denmark I believe.

And to show how nonaddictive they are, I smoked frequently in September and October but haven't smoked at all since then. I'm certainly not trying to quit (I love it!) I just haven't had a desire to smoke.

 

[SthrnCmfrtr]

I can't tolerate smoking. The thought of my partner smoking is utterly revolting, it's almost on a par with infidelity.

Hehehehe

 

[themadchemist]

I won't date people that eat unhealthy food, because it leads to obesity and diabetes.
When I catch my girlfriend eating a donut, I snatch it from her mouth and throw it in the trash where it belongs, then admonish her at length for taking such a serious risk with her health, and since I can smell the donut, she's taking a risk with my health too!
I'm sure she is just thrilled to be dating such a caring and empathetic person.

BTW, I'd like to pass a law that requires people to go outside to a designated area to exercise their disgusting, smelly, puking, disease-causing, junkfood, habits.
No junkfood on Planes, buses, trains, or in cars with other people either.

Someone has a problem with designing effective analogies. Sarcasm works so much better when it makes sense.

 

[Butthead]

Yes. I've asked her to stop. I'm not going to force her. We all die.

My mother quit smoking in her early 40's, after about a decade of less than a pack a week. Required both toxic chemo + months of radiation therapy before surgery...weakening her. Like the 33 year old in the article scan linked below, she lost her lung, now only has 60% capacity in her right lung, suffers from *constant* shoulder blade pain (cut nerves/muscles in her back where they made the incision to remove her lung) that the anti-epileptic drug Neurontin used to treat it leaves her with even lower energy levels than post surgery caused, as well as constant drowsiness. Then 4years later she developed mouth cancer, once tumor was removed, she then had 3 months of painful computer guided radiation beams aimed precisely under her tongue (from under her neck), and the surgery removed a larynx nerve such that the right side of her tongue is paralyzed and now she can barely taste any food or what limited things she still can sense, it tastes odd. No smell to speak off. Depressed as hell. Osteoporosis, no doubt exacerbated by smoking, resulted in 3 compression fractures of her back over the last decade (current one has had her in pain for 7 weeks, barely able to stand up for more than 5 minutes before she *must* sit down from the pain).

Tammy Faye Baker, day before she died on Larry King

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuMlsKWSzjw


smoking is a selfish and deadly habit that is the #1 cancer killer among women! Moreover, 2nd hand smoke, even the smallest amount raises *your* risk of developing smoking related diseases and *dying* a painful, early death. Need more motivation?

Find a way, any way, for the sake of both of you...to avoid all kinds of pain both mentally and physically that you will both (including loved ones besides yourselves) endure and suffer from as a result.

reason to quit pg1


reason to quit pg2


reason to quit pg3

 

[Keebler]

well, first of all good luck. it sounds like you are at a cross roads.
I would take the soft approach and ask her about the smoking - leave open ended questions so she can answer. it will reveal the truth on whether or not she's just sneaking around b/c she likes it or sneaking around but wants to quit and is just having a difficult time. Her smoking is an issue for you, but find out why she's smoking first.

maybe she just needs more help and is afraid to confront you about it?

I have to say though, as much as I would be disappointed to find this out, I don't think tossing the cigarettes in a stressful situation with a family member was a good one. Make sure to apologize and explain you were upset (doesn't matter if you feel that you are right or wrong...just apologize).

As for the whole smoking thing, ya, i think it sucks big time. smells gross, incredibly bad for you, makes one look ugly after years of smoking, makes the fingers go yellow, skin is sick looking, eyes look hollow. ugh! it's really sad that ppl get suckered into it and then become addicted.

My wife smoked a few times before we went out and then once, at a semi-formal. I took the stance of "do it again and i'm gone". she never did again.

I know i'm going to get flamed for that, but screw you (to those would be flamers) b/c i had just watched my father die from lung cancer (at only 38).

Gasp! guess what?

you guessed it! bingo! prize for you. So I made the choice I didn't want to be with anyone who would smoke and if they cared enough for me, they would stop. I didn't want to see her get sick.

My Dad had smoked since he was a kid. He's missed out on alot of stuff (weddings, grandkids etc...) and all for something stupid (no bitterness here eh? not at him directly though...for the addiction).

and i don't buy when people say, "we all die someday so what does it matter". If you feel that way about all dying someday, find the nearest highway and step in front of the next transport to come by. Save us the trouble on our healthcare system (in Canada) or save yourself the debt if you live in a country where the healthcare system sucks.

that is such a load of crap. when ppl say that, it means they don't care enough about their precious time on this planet to give 2 sh*ts about their life. If someone doesn't try (at the very, very least) to stop, then it shows they really don't give a crap about you either b/c they're being selfish. I know it's an addiction, but c'mon, get a set of balls and respect those you love. i know some might flame me and natter back that "well, if she smokes, then respect her too for her choices." how f'n dumb is that!!?!?!

To the OP, politely and with care, get on her case BECAUSE you respect her and want her to live well. Let her know you'll do anything to help her. Be her support chain.

i can just hear the flamers starting their flame throwers... (and lighting a cigarette)