Need insight on a boyfriend issue.

[ktbubster]

Sorry this is so long and babbling. I just need some help here.


So I met my current boyfriend on an online dating site about 3 months ago.

Things have been going well, i have a toothbrush and brush at his place along with a few other things he seems perfectly happy having there (he gave me the toothbrush and assured me it was ok for all that other stuff) he messages me a hello or goodmorning at work usually once a day, or 50/50 between us. And we usually talk once a day on the phone for about 10 min.. mostly he calls me when he's done with work since he works till like 7 or so regularly.

He met my parents last weekend, which went well, they loved him and he even assured me saturday that they didn't scare him off and he wasn't going anywhere. He even gave my mom his number when she asked to have it incase she couldnt' reach me for a few days and worried.

He mentioned that this outlet mall we were talking about would be a good way for me to meet his mom. etc. (his parents live 5 min away from him)

However that was saturday on the drive back.... saturday afternoon he talked about things we could do together later etc.

BUT he also said he could get his mom to make more foodand i could meet them sunday, but like 2 seconds later he renigged and wa slike "hm maybe next weekend" like he realized he made a mistake...

I got a little weird and then sunday night and last night he ignored my calls and this morning basically just said "sorry, busy tired headachey sometimes i just want to veg, hope you understand" but.. it's verymuch not like him to ignore my calls.

and it was only 1 each night and i didn't get upset or mad.. but it's just been weird.

He does own his own business witha partner though so he works a lot, i understand, and i never wanted to be one of those clingy girls. I just find it weird that he just started ignoring calls 2 days in the last 3...

He also didn't want me to tag photos of him on FB or whatnot.. because he "doesnt' like when people know things about him he doesn't tell them" so he made a note to take down the tags and such.. and a post on his wall I made about him liking me and some inside joke...

I mean.. it feels like he's hiding me now in that respect, but then again he has told his parents about me and his friends supposedly...( i haven't met any of them.. i have heard him use my name to one friend though on the phone) so maybe that's just a weird quirk of his... and he has no other photos up there either....

I know i'm probably overthinking things, but I am worried i might have freaked him out in the matter of the last few days...

So, I guess, would a guy change his mind that fast? from saturday when he was talking about things to do together and ways to meet his parents and even asking what i was thinking as far as schedule for the vacation we were tlaking about taking? to now where I just feel like he's completely gone distant and is hiding me.

He did make sure to ask me if i was ok with him sharing aroom (he has aconvention for a week in april) with his ex (an ex from like 5 years ago who is with someone else and practically engaged) because it saves him 1200 bucks to do it etc etc ... so he was thinking about me and how i'd react so that's a good sign i guess too...

He said he is always nice about it for breakups and told me about some of his exs before, and how he pulls away and all that, so certain things like that worry me, he would be nice about it the whole way through, he's not the type to be clear and just stop talking to me and be a jerk...

I just have this gut feeling that something is wrong

insight anyone?

And he still goes on match (wasn't on for like a month.. and then just 2 weeks ago started going on almost everyday again) says he isn't messaging anyone.. fine I guess, he paid for it, and guys like to make sure htey know they made the right choice etc.. but he could hide himself, or idunno, it just seems weird.

Insight from guys is useful here, am i just freaking out needlessly because he's having a distant and busy few days or could he have changed his mind that quickly?

He's 32 and i'm 24 if that matters. we live an hour apart.

 

[arkitect]

I just have this gut feeling that something is wrong

Sometimes gut instincts are correct.

And he still goes on match (wasn't on for like a month.. and then just 2 weeks ago started going on almost everyday again) says he isn't messaging anyone.. fine I guess, he paid for it, and guys like to make sure htey know they made the right choice etc.. but he could hide himself, or idunno, it just seems weird.

Well if he is still hanging out at a dating website…

Yes, it does seem weird.

he's having a distant and busy few days

He runs his own business you say. Well things have been tough lately — I'm sure you've noticed… so he may well be over worked, tired and just not much fun.

I can well sympathise with his aversion to you spreading the word all over FaceBook… That might be an indication of the difference in years between you.
Some people are just *private*.
I'd be pretty pissed of if my partner started putting up my/our pics all over the 'net… and that isn't because I have something to hide.


Good luck!

 

[CalBoy]

Seems to me he's ashamed of something and doesn't want you to find out.

Mind you that's just idle conjecture, but I think it would explain the family situation (as for the friends, they could be friends he's outgrown and doesn't want to keep so close anymore).

On a more abstract note, I think he is probably working very hard right now to keep himself afloat financial-wise, and that kind of stress can eat away at relationships.

I wouldn't sweat the Facebook thing; a lot of people (myself included) don't care for our personal lives being up for everyone to see. I think that is completely unrelated to whatever is happening right now.

 

[Abstract]

Well if he is still hanging out at a dating website…

Yes, it does seem weird.

Yeah, that part jumped out immediately.

Perhaps he went on a few dates with another girl, or other girls, without wanting to tell you.

I mean, why introduce you to his parents if you're not going to be together in a few weeks?



The other possibility is that he likes you, but he's a sly dog.

 

[CalBoy]

And he still goes on match (wasn't on for like a month.. and then just 2 weeks ago started going on almost everyday again) says he isn't messaging anyone.. fine I guess, he paid for it, and guys like to make sure htey know they made the right choice etc.. but he could hide himself, or idunno, it just seems weird.

I missed this part at first.

Could it be that he's very conflicted about his own feelings? Suppose he does feel very good in your relationship, and that scares him? This could be the cusp of a longer-term commitment and he's afraid to dive in.

Just a thought.

 

[ezzie]

i'm sorry you're having a tough time with your boyfriend. hopefully you can get to the bottom of this.

he may just be taking some time to regroup or whatever, but three things from your post jump out at me...separately they're not really that bad, but together they make me wonder.

He did make sure to ask me if i was ok with him sharing aroom (he has aconvention for a week in april) with his ex (an ex from like 5 years ago who is with someone else and practically engaged) because it saves him 1200 bucks to do it etc etc ...

i may be over-thinking this, but i would never for an instant share a room for a week with an ex, no matter what. that's a recipe for temptation, IMHO.

I just have this gut feeling that something is wrong

i have learned to trust my intuition, and i'm usually right. hopefully yours is wrong, though.

And he still goes on match (wasn't on for like a month.. and then just 2 weeks ago started going on almost everyday again) says he isn't messaging anyone.. fine I guess, he paid for it, and guys like to make sure htey know they made the right choice etc.. but he could hide himself, or idunno, it just seems weird.

it's certainly weird to me. i see no reason to hang out on Match.com if you're not messaging or looking for people.

i'd say that the Facebook thing is pretty normal. some people just don't want their face splashed all over the net, you know?

if i were you, i'd just ask him what his intentions are and what he's feeling. if you've got a good relationship, you should be able to discuss these things openly. perhaps you're thinking the relationship is more serious or exclusive than he is? i'd make sure you're both looking for the same thing.

i sincerely hope that, like arkitect and CalBoy said, he's just overworked and feeling a bit reclusive. good luck.

 

[ktbubster]

it's not so much the parents thing... he talked about me meeting them etc etc, and it's weird he'd even bring it up now (twice on saturday) but then double take after that.

He took a weekend trip with me to meet mine, and drove this weekend, i'm not sure whta that means.

I am more concerned if he could have completely done a 360 in the last 3 days between saturday and ... yesterday for instance.

I know words mean little, but he seems to have a lot of them... it's just a strange and sudden change in his behavior. Could something in the last 3 days have cahnged his mind or would he just say something about me meeting his mom , or parents randomly without really meaning it?

It's all very weird and unstraightforward, which is why i'm asking. 90% is him being open adn talking about future things we could do... then i get 3 days of less then normal communication and a weird feelign in my gut.

i'm sorry you're having a tough time with your boyfriend. hopefully you can get to the bottom of this.

he may just be taking some time to regroup or whatever, but three things from your post jump out at me...separately they're not really that bad, but together they make me wonder.


i may be over-thinking this, but i would never for an instant share a room for a week with an ex, no matter what. that's a recipe for temptation, IMHO.

Apparently they have done it for the last 3 years... and this ex and him never slept together.

Shoudl i appreciate the fact he told me and asked me about it?

 

[ezzie]

Apparently they have done it for the last 3 years... and this ex and him never slept together.

Shoudl i appreciate the fact he told me and asked me about it?

yes, you should definitely appreciate it.

and thanks for clarifying...it just seemed a little fishy to me, that's all.

 

[ktbubster]

it's things like that that make me think i'm insane... he clearly cares enough to mention something for a few weeks in advance that a girlfriend would worry about... and says he cares about me yadda yadda.

but then other things like the rebuking of the parent meeting within 2 seconds of bringing it up... make me wonder again.. and the ignoring the calls and not saying anything about it today....

AND the match thing. that just really makes me wonder. I told him what i feel about it, but i also understand he paid for however long, and you get winked at or whatever.. you check it out.... he said he wasn't messaging anyone... and he was getting blitzed lately with girls from other states, and i made a comment about stopping to meet one... he just said "well yeah ok, that's great, they just better like you"... but it still weirds me out that he's on there.

i guess i did send a message saying "i bet you are busy working so no worried, if you need to vent call" so i basically said "you don't have to get back to me" but he ignored my phonecall first an hour before that... which, never happens.

but usually when that happens and he is vegging.. up until now he's always messaged me to say goodnight or something to that note.

 

[jonbravo77]

As ezzie said. I would ask. Tell him what you are feeling about the sudden change and ask if everything is ok. I would express to him that you understand if work is stressful (I know from a guy prospective, I like it when my wife understands what I might be going through).

The match.com thing is a bit weird, not sure what to make of that and the sharing a room with the ex to me is not a huge deal seeing that he told you and wanted to make sure you were ok with it.

Like others have said, and I do the exact same thing, he might be stressed from work and pulled back to re-coupe. Not saying that is the right thing to do especially when in a relationship (as I am learning) but that's what may be going on..

Again, I would talk to him...

 

[ktbubster]

Thanks for the advice. I might just be reading way too much into this sorta stuff, which I usually don't. I just have had very little to even sorta complain about over the last few months. Things are good and I am scared a little.

When we are together they are always good, except for weirdness a bit (probably more on my part, he seemed happy) on Sunday

He did a lot of things I would assume someone who was questioning a relationship, would NOT do this last weekend with my parents and all that... and he DID bring up things we could do together and said something to the effect on saturday night before falling asleep, how aesome I am because of this or that (random little stupid things)

all very nice signs, but I have a bad bad bad gut feeling that i came on too strong these last few days and made him question things. Maybe I am just seriously going nuts....

BAH but the other things just are bugging me.

 

[Macky-Mac]

Sometimes "meeting the parents" means a relationship has reached a new and more serious level. He may be feeling that things are moving faster than he's ready for them to move....so maybe he just needs a bit of time to adjust to the idea

 

[Abstract]

Everything else you said seems OK to me. I wouldn't worry about it.


I just worry about that Match.com thing, because if he's still looking, that may be why he changed his mind about the whole "parent" thing. And he's avoided your calls for the past 2 days.

 

[chosenwolf]

There should be no reason for him to log in to the dating site again if he is happy with the relationship. Also, sharing a room with an ex is a horrible idea. Why would someone want to put themselves in a position like that if they are perfectly happy with their current relationship. No hard feelings, but it seems like he is losing interest in you.

I would suggest you have a talk with him and express yourself (thoughts & feelings) and find out where his feelings really are. It's better to straighten things out now (and let him go if need be) then to be heartbroken later on. When your deeper into a relationship, it hurts that much more.

 

[ktbubster]

you bring up a good point. I realized that, but I guess i never thought about it like that, simply because he agreed to meet them a few weeks ago... and I said if he wasn't ready or didn't want to, I'd understand (and i definitely meant that)

He had a few ways to get out of it too....

but i guess i never really thought about whether or not he agreed to it and did it with a smile.. that didn't necessarily mean that he was 100% with the idea during and after the fact...

Maybe he just did a double take and realized what it meant?

In that case, could it turn around something so quickly or should i just assume he may need some time to relax again and get back into things, but doesn't necessarily want to break up/end it etc?

 

[ktbubster]

There should be no reason for him to log in to the dating site again if he is happy with the relationship. Also, sharing a room with an ex is a horrible idea. Why would someone want to put themselves in a position like that if they are perfectly happy with their current relationship. No hard feelings, but it seems like he is losing interest in you.

well the ex thing was explained... maybe i'm being too lenient or trying not to read into it... butlike i said they have been doing thta the last 3 years, she's practically engaged, and they never slept together when they were together....

the match thing.. yes, it bugs me, I really should ask him about it again and I will, let him know it does bother me and try to figure out what is going on with him in a good talk.

We shall see.

P.S. I did have contact with him yesterday and the day before, he missed my calls but he did IM me in the morning yesterday and the day before responded to my text with an IM.... but ignoring my calls was just weird.

I am not sure if he's just humoring me until he sees me in person (i have his ipod and a coffee mug) and can get things back.. i dunno, even sunday though he said he didn't care if i left whatever at his place...

SO VERY conflicting.

I just worry about that Match.com thing, because if he's still looking, that may be why he changed his mind about the whole "parent" thing. And he's avoided your calls for the past 2 days.

strangely enough he hadn't been on since friday, and then wasn't on through monday... not until yesterday again... so that's weird, less he had started talking to someone last week i suppose.

GAH. i just need to talk to him, but can't for a bit. not in person anyway.

 

[maestro55]

So several thoughts here. The first being the match.com thing. I dated the same girl for a year, we had met on match.com. During that time I occasionally looked at matches. I didn't message anyone but I had paid for a year so yes I did log into the site. Would I have considered leaving Vanessa to go on a random date? No. Would I have left Vanessa for someone simply because I liked what I saw on their profile? No. I looked out of curiosity with no intent to try to find a replacement for Vanessa. It didn't work between us in the end but I wouldn't think too much about the Match.com thing. Unless he is logging in an browsing it without spending time with you. I mean if he is laying in bed on his notebook surfing match.com and you are right next to him, that is perhaps cause to be concerned.

As for him not wanting you to meet his parents. I am sure there is probably more to the story than he wants to share with. And after 3 months of dating you there might be some stuff that he doesn't want to share with you. I mean perhaps he has a history with his mother that he doesn't want to share with you just yet.

As for him staying at a hotel with an ex. It sounds like they are co-workers, and probably have become just friends now. I wouldn't be too concerned about that. Despite popular belief a guy can share a room with a woman and not sleep with her.

As for the facebook thing, I imagine part of that could be that he is just a private person. Personally I would be flattered to have my girlfriend be comfortable enough in a relationship to plaster our story all over facebook, but some people aren't like that and you will just have to learn to respect his thoughts on that subject.

And in the end, you might just very well be over thinking things. I know that I am the type of person that has a tendency to get a bit paranoid sometimes in relationships. Not that that matters, because I hate to bring bad news but last time I had a gut instinct I was right. However, the worst thing you can do is not be 100% up front with him. Tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels. 3 months is early enough to still think about these things. Vanessa and I broke up the first time after 3 months of dating and then got back together and dated another 8 months after that. My advice talk to him. If you do break up, don't get back together with the guy.

 

[ktbubster]

thanks for that wisdom... I read it a few times. I appreciate it.

ahmed and maestro

The match.com thing could be just what you said, and he did say he wasn't messaging anyone in case i was worried... and no, he really only goes on if he's at work or during the day already on the computer. He doesn't spend much time at the computer outside of work.

I just found it weird he suggested meeting his parents twice over this weekend and took back one of them to a different time...

I just do have a gut feeling, but it might just be me worried after the long weekend and all that.

facebook.... i dunno, people are private. he said he just doesn't like people knowing things about him unless he tells them. he's told a friend or two about me, but doesn't want everyone else to know things unless he wants to tell them... but it seems a bit much to go to the effort of detagging everything... but he doesn't have any other photos with other people either, so who knows.

and apparently finally told his parents about me (he could have told them he was just visiting a friend that he does sometimes in that area... but he told them he was visiting my parents - his mom watched his dogs) they had known about who i was, but not the seriousness, because apparently his mom is on him about getting married and having kids all the time. lol.. so i understand that. i do.... i just find it weird he mentioned it.

i just have a weird feeling and i tend to be right... I just need some input from other people.. I'm hoping its closer to what you said though about match and all that...

I have since taken down all but like 3 photos of us and OF COURSE left him untagged in them. I reset my profile to make sure only my close friends can see it. I only kept photos of us and his dogs up because my girlfriends were curious... but his name is left off, and i made sure only select friends can see my photo albums.

I had since told him this so he knows I am trying to respect his privacy for that.

 

[Iscariot]

I just worry about that Match.com thing, because if he's still looking, that may be why he changed his mind about the whole "parent" thing. And he's avoided your calls for the past 2 days.

I wouldn't even worry about that. Don't most dating sites offer more than just dating, and wouldn't they have procedures similar to Facebook where you'd have to log in to their site to view messages? I would think that they do, as their pageviews drive their revenues.

 

[ktbubster]

well right... we met on it, he's still a member. I mean, i get that he paid for however long (6 months... or a year or whatever) i just had a shorter subscription cause i was just trying it out when we met.

He still logs in.. I knew he hadn't for about a month and then about 2 weeks ago started to again. He had made a comment about me being on more recently then him, but i was hiding my profile and deleting things from my site.

I dunno. I get he paid, I get that looking at who messaged you and all that is fun... and he might not be looking for a replacement, just looking just cause, just not something i'd do is all and it's strange. The first time he went back on though he "winked" at me actually, so he wasn't trying to hide the fact he was on....

Hmmmm.

 

[Iscariot]

so he wasn't trying to hide the fact he was on

Then he probably has nothing to hide.

And I'm going to take a wild guess and suggest that if he wanted to hide his activity from you, he'd be able to do, yes? There must be some sort of privacy settings he could be using, or certainly he would use a different website.

 

[Macky-Mac]

it sounds to me like you've gotten way further into the relationship than he has.....and maybe he's just realized that.

 

[maestro55]

it sounds to me like you've gotten way further into the relationship than he has.....and maybe he's just realized that.

Good point... Similar happened when Vanessa and I were dating. Three months into us dating on a regular basis she still didn't want to be called my "girlfriend" and told people were "just dating" and while that was frustrating to me and that is one of the reasons I broke up with her the first time. I suppose that in reality would have been better to take these slower and just enjoy the relationship instead of all the heartache that comes if two people try to force a relationship that one person isn't happy in. Not saying to the OP that her boyfriend isn't happy, but perhaps he realizes that he wants to have a bit more freedom.

I suppose that people have a hard time with this concept, I know that I do. Because there is one side of me that likes the idea of meeting someone that I would be happy enough with that I would find the need to seek out other people. However, with that said, can one really know if they have met the right person and people stop loving each other all the time. Is weighing options a slap in the face to the person you are with or just human nature?

Again, be honest with your thoughts. If he cares about you enough than if you tell him you really don't want him on the site than I am sure he would be willing to except that and stop using the site. I would have done the same for Vanessa.

 

[ktbubster]

Yeah. That would make sense.. back to the parents thing I guess.

I never really though about what it would mean after he actually DID meet my parents and it became a reality. As opposed to him just agreeing to it and going through with it.

Might have made the whole thing seem more real. He acted sweet on Saturday still talking about stuff for us to do together and all that.

I'll just have to talk to him and take a step back and a breather and see what happens I suppose.

I always thought guys were pretty straightforward though, but with him i get confused 10% of the time....


I have to say that when we ARE together hanging out, I don't have doubts. He is open to me leaving things, he's happy when I can sleep in with him and not have to go immediately. My car had to get something fixed at a shop near his place so he was happy to have me come over even though he had a few hours left to work... and cooked me dinner, he's sweet and talks about things to do in the future etc etc... but it's just weird when a turn around in behavior like this happens immediately following him meeting my parents. It's just a bit odd.

He called me his girlfriend to someone else first actually... and called it a relationship first, I had no desire to push anything so I let him say things like that intially... but a change in behavior and then the other little things just add up to one big chunk of worry. ESPECIALLY since I heard stories about his breakups and how he cares and is nice and yadda yadda, he's a naturally caring person when it comes to trying to make people feel comfortable... so it's sorta "well, is he being sincere right now despite the last few random acts that aren' tlike him or what?"

Gut feelings can be really annoying sometimes.

 

[maestro55]

I always thought guys were pretty straightforward though, but with him i get confused 10% of the time....

The problem is that couples skirt around the realities because they do not want to be alone and so they don't often talk about the things that are really bothering them. Perhaps if people really did talk about what was bothering them, there would either be tons of single people in this world or there would be tons of people in great honest relationships.