Toggle sidebar Toggle sidebar
Become a MacRumors Supporter for $50/year with no ads, ability to filter front page stories, and private forums.

Need insight on a boyfriend issue.

this is true. If there is one thing we can do well, for sure, is talk to eachother (we haven't even gone to a movie together yet because we couldn't talk to eachother during it) we opt to stay in and watch movies or just go to dinner or walks.. etc.

So... i guess we can talk about this.
 
It seems to me that you are tripping out about this guy way too much for only a 3 month relationship. Maybe he feels like you are becomming too dependent on him for your happiness and is getting scared off. I also wonder whether you can trust that he isn't doing the wild thing with his ex just because he told you so. If he were still attracted to her, it would not serve any purpose to admit it to you so why would he?
 
mgguy said:
It seems to me that you are tripping out about this guy way too much for only a 3 month relationship. Maybe he feels like you are becomming too dependent on him for your happiness and is getting scared off. I also wonder whether you can trust that he isn't doing the wild thing with his ex just because he told you so. If he were still attracted to her, it would not serve any purpose to admit it to you so why would he?
Click to expand...

Yes, but if he was planning to sleep with her, I doubt he would have told her that he was planning on sharing a room with her. Again, why is it so hard to believe that two friends (and yes ex's can be friends) can sleep in a hotel room and not sleep together?

Good luck with talking to him about it. It seems like you have built a pretty good relationship so I wish you the best of luck. Now on to check my matches on Match.com
 
maestro55 said:
Yes, but if he was planning to sleep with her, I doubt he would have told her that he was planning on sharing a room with her. Again, why is it so hard to believe that two friends (and yes ex's can be friends) can sleep in a hotel room and not sleep together?

Good luck with talking to him about it. It seems like you have built a pretty good relationship so I wish you the best of luck. Now on to check my matches on Match.com
Click to expand...

He might have told her he was sharing a room if he thought she would call him there and find out anyway--just to head her off at the pass, so to speak. Guys like to cover themselves like that. They could be just friends, but they might not be. The point is that just because he says it is just a friendship doesn't make it so. It's also odd that if he really liked ktbubster and didn't want to threaten the relationship or make her emotionally upset, he could have gotten his own room. At this point, a frank talk may be in order, but if he is already feeling closed in, he may pull away even farther.

My advice to OP is to toughen up, get on with other things, don't fawn over him, and wait and see where things go from here. The best thing, basically, is just to relax and find something to do that you enjoy. I know, easy for me to say ...
 
Just so you know its not an age thing with respect to the FB, I'm 26 and the same way about privacy, I've been like this forever. My ex and I had issues about that a lot she'd tell her friends things about me and often if you didn't understand the context or know me before hearing it, it wouldn't paint me in the best light. Same with friends. There is very little I hate worse than my reputation proceeding me.


Moving on...

I agree with maestro, if he's planning to make a move on the ex, he probably wouldn't tell you unless he's just that confident in his ability to get out of tight situations. (no pun intended but couldn't be avoided 😱 )
 
If you don't see him much and he has a lot of time away from you, there's the possibility that he doesn't want you making their relationship too "public" for fear that someone else he doesn't want to know may find out. That's a possibility.

If you have any concerns or worries, it's best to mention them to him. Just be straight up and honest. You need to cultivate a relationship where you can talk about things like this without letting it destroy the relationship from the dark corners.

Additionally, if he prefers to hide this relationship from anyone for ANY reason, chances are that it would only end in disappointment for you both. Any healthy relationship should not need to be "hidden." Granted, if you both worked at the same office and wanted to treat each other more formally at work, that's one thing, but this is your own personal relationship in your own personal time, and it should not need to be hidden.

As for the Facebook issues, it may just be that he doesn't want people knowing things about him. Some people don't like the "stalker-friendly" features of sites like Myspace and Facebook, and they are a bit anal about keeping their life private.
 
Tell him everything you told us, and ask him what's going on. If there is something wrong and the relationship ends, better sooner than later. If there is nothing wrong, you'll either scare him away (in which case he didn't care that much about you anyway), or he'll just clarify what happened and it'll all be okay.

No harm can possibly come from being honest with him about how you're feeling, and asking him what's going on. If he refuses to tell you, I would break up with him, because a relationship like that just can't work.
 
Ok, so I saw him last night.

Things seemed fine. I brought food and he kissed me as soon as he finished up his last work call. He seemed happy and giddy and we watched a terrifically stupid action movie (transporter 3, seriously, so bad) and he goofed around and asked me for kisses and poked fun at me etc as per usual (i give it back too)

He mentioned changing plans to see a guy friend of his (they play D&D every few weeks or so) on Saturday and then confirmed if Sunday would be good for me etc.. pretty much as soon as I got in. So that was appreciated.

We didn't really have a chance to talk, since he really just seemed exhausted for the most part, and all in all it seemed like a bad time... but he did make passing comments to things i'd say about picking out a movie or whatever "oh... you will, you'll be back 😉 " etc etc... and just normal things about getting more of the good coffee for next time.

He did seem overall pretty physically exhausted though. But there was normal affection and cuddling and this morning seemed just fine too, and he commented again about seeing me on Sunday and was affectionate as per usual.

So apparently his parents have been on him about planning a trip to take care of his grandmas ashes (FYI, this was a death that was a long time coming - and he didn't care for her, neither did his parents etc etc... so that wasn't making him depressed directly or anything ... if anything it was a load off his shoulders) and fly out to his uncles ranch etc etc... and he has no desire to take as much time off as they want him too... so it's been a bit of a pain in the neck...

He's also been busy at work, and it seems like he hadn't been getting much sleep for the last 2 or 3 nights and has just been all around stressed.

So... while yesterday was slightly off, as he seemed tired, he seemed happy to see me and spend time and did quite a few things that one wouldn't do if they were getting to the point of ending it.

I am still going to talk to him if he continues to act this way obviously, but I figure i'll give it a while, and Sunday I might get a better idea of what is going on and if it is just stress/work etc or something else and then we can talk.. during the day instead of after a long day of work.

I still have my concerns, ... and will probably be a bit nervous for a bit, but there isn't really anything I can do about it except for relax and let things happen.
 
Sounds like everything is back on track for you - that's good. It sounds like he was just really reall tired.

So my only comment on this whole thing. I'm wondering if he is possibly a bit embarrased to tell his friends how you and he met? I've done the online dating thing (it's how I met my husband), and one of the guys I went out with for a month or two was absolutely insistent that I not tell anybody how we met. So maybe that is what is going on with the friends thing.

Good luck! Sounds as though things are going nicely. Oh, as far as the age difference - I am 7 1/2 years older than my husband - it's never been an issue 🙂
 
haha, yeah... we'll see. I'm still feeling a little bit off on the whole thing, but like I said i'm going to give it a few more days to see if things clear up the rest of the way.

As far as how we met. He's not. He's done this before and had a relationship with one girl and dated a few, but either way, his friend in town that i've heard about quite a bit met his gf off match too. And so they know he uses it... not a big deal.

I'm just going to sit back and relax and see what happens in the next few days or week, and be happy he's mentioning things as if they are just continuing as they go... and he didn't even think to give me back a thing or two I left there that I had said I wanted to get back at some point...(lol, actually, one of the things i wish i had remembered!) so one would assume he'd be trying to clear out if there were a bigger issue.
 
Short version:
hes-just-not-that-into-you.jpg
 
yeah I thought about that. Not sure.

To tell you the truth I am just going to continue going with the flow. I'm confused as heck, but that happens. We'll talk when I see him next probably... although we talked a bit on the phone today and I asked him point blank if the last weekend really freaked him out etc (in better terms then that) and about some of this stuff, and he seemed chipper and fine saying "no, you worry too much, just busy with work... etc etc... and besides, i'm not dating your parents, i'd really only have to see them every so often during the year, so it's not a big deal, they are fine etc etc"

I questioned him about the match stuff too and asked if he really was messaging anyone else and that I really just would like if he told me about it etc etc, and he said no he wasn't and if it bothered me he'd go on less, he just likes surfing and since his friends are on match he'll look at the girls they are dating or going to go on a date with and such.... and like me (i did this too) seeing who messages and winks at him and laughing at some of the profiles (i got so many complete opposites who clearly didn't read my profile winking at me) ... but he'd stay off more if it bothered me.

He also 80% confirmed a vacation we were going to take today.. I say 80% because he was saying how he couldn't take time off for a week long trip becuase he'd be out however much money (some crazy number) if he took off that long for the family thing i mentioned - and it wasn't important to him, but that he would tell them he already committed to our trip too so that he coudln't take both (ours would only mean 2 days off work, short weekend thing)

So... all things considered he doesn't seem to be balking, unless he's just trying to keep me calm until he sees me in person here (he's visiting me this weekend) ... which would be a mighty large stretch of my imagination i think.

The age thing, yeah, maybe he's stll looking for fun and being the 30 something bachelor. That is quite possible, but my parents are 10 years apart too, as are his (my mom 10 years older then my dad, his dad 10 years older then his mom) so .... really, i can't really put too much basis on that straight off the bat.

Sigh, boys are silly. (but girls are far worse usually, I admit this... which is the reason this thread was started anyway!)
 
Leareth said:
yeah it matters a lot.

sets of creepy alarm when that great an age gap between two relatively young people.

Generally that = he is looking for fun, not a serious romance.
Click to expand...

😕 Not at that age. They're old enough that the age gap has narrowed. Got to say that he's lucky though. Most 24 year olds I know think of me as old and I'm only a few years older than him 🙁.

I think the advice to talk about it directly, without insinuation or caginess, is the best.

Also, accept his moods. One thing that irritates me in relationships is someone constantly asking about my mood. My attitude is that if I don't like someone or don't want to be with them, I would say so. I'm just not all roses all the time... but that's me and I'm a bit nuts.
 
I'm a 31 year old guy, and I haven't read through the replies, so I risk redundancy, but that has never stopped me before.

If you feel like something is wrong, there likely is. Also, that thing about still going on Match.com or whatever is quite a bit concerning in my opinion. I think it's a good idea for you just to break it off now, before it gets a lot harder to later. Many times, guys will not be straight with you, because they want to keep you available as an option and they will drag you along for as long as possible. If a guy is really into you, it is hard to miss it. There will be signs all over the place. You won't have to look for them and analyze to try and come up with something. Sorry to break it to you, but get out of it, and tell him to get lost immediately. You'll find someone who is into you and you won't have to look into it so hard to find out the intentions. Good luck to you.
 
ktbubster said:
To tell you the truth I am just going to continue going with the flow. I'm confused as heck, but that happens. We'll talk when I see him next probably... although we talked a bit on the phone today and I asked him point blank if the last weekend really freaked him out etc (in better terms then that) and about some of this stuff, and he seemed chipper and fine saying "no, you worry too much, just busy with work... etc etc... and besides, i'm not dating your parents, i'd really only have to see them every so often during the year, so it's not a big deal, they are fine etc etc"

I questioned him about the match stuff too and asked if he really was messaging anyone else and that I really just would like if he told me about it etc etc, and he said no he wasn't and if it bothered me he'd go on less, he just likes surfing and since his friends are on match he'll look at the girls they are dating or going to go on a date with and such.... and like me (i did this too) seeing who messages and winks at him and laughing at some of the profiles (i got so many complete opposites who clearly didn't read my profile winking at me) ... but he'd stay off more if it bothered me.

He also 80% confirmed a vacation we were going to take today.. I say 80% because he was saying how he couldn't take time off for a week long trip becuase he'd be out however much money (some crazy number) if he took off that long for the family thing i mentioned - and it wasn't important to him, but that he would tell them he already committed to our trip too so that he coudln't take both (ours would only mean 2 days off work, short weekend thing)

So... all things considered he doesn't seem to be balking, unless he's just trying to keep me calm until he sees me in person here (he's visiting me this weekend) ... which would be a mighty large stretch of my imagination i think.
Click to expand...

Okay, full disclosure, I'm a professional counselor and I've read the entire story. My first words of advice are CHILL OUT!!!!!!!!!

With what you put in this last post it seem like you are way over-thinking things. At the beginning you say your going to just "go with flow," but by the end you are thinking he may just be setting you up to drop the bomb in person. RELAX. You guys seem to be doing really well for just being three months in. You definitely don't want to come across like the paranoid girlfriend that must know the status of the relationship at all times in order to feel secure and if he makes a weird face or sounds a little tired then that must mean the sky is falling.

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but you are not the only thing in his life, especially as new as the relationship is. As other people have mentioned he could be stressed about work, dealing with family stuff, or maybe his level 14 Wizard got killed in his last D&D session! 😱

Seriously, at this point you are being your own worst enemy. Take a deep breath, focus on the things you enjoy about him and if you think something is bothering him then try to offer support in any way you can. Believe me when guys are frustrated about something they want a girlfriend who helps relieve the stress, not one that adds to it.

So, if you were my client I'd give you this homework. Stop worrying about everything that could be wrong and find ways to show him how happy he makes you and how much you appreciate him. After all, solid relationships are made by people who are focused on what they can do for their partner, not what their partner does for them. I wish you guys the very best! 🙂

Oh, and if it doesn't work out then you can tell everyone he was 30+ year old loser who still played D&D in his basement with all of his nerd friends. 😛
 
My first thought was of "Lost In Space" ... the 60s TV show, not the 90s movie ... the Robot swinging his arms wildly, shouting "Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!". You need to back away. Don't let this thing blow up in your face.

A male perspective: You're getting too needy. The chase is over and you're just not challenging anymore. Make him chase you.

You'd let a boyfriend share a room with an ex-girlfriend? I'd like a girlfriend like that! Guys and their exes can be friends ... friends with benefits. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids (and guys & their exes).

The age difference, by itself, is insignificant. Creepy? Please, Leareth. 32 and 12 is creepy. 32 and 24? That's perfectly normal and natural. Is there an experience difference or maturity difference?

Remember: girls are deep, guys are shallow. Don't overthink things. We guys are simple and you're making us out to be complex. We're not complex. The shallowest girls are still deeper than 99% of guys. If you're looking for a relationship with someone that is deep and complex, you're a lesbian and you need to stop looking at guys. We don't "do" complex/deep. There is nothing superior about deep/complex when compared with shallow/simple. We're just different. It's part of our charm. It's what makes us so damn irresistible to women. The world desperately needs both types.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Register on MacRumors! This sidebar will go away, and you'll see fewer ads.
Top Bottom
Back