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Not-so-secret affair

DarkHeraldMage

DarkHeraldMage

macrumors 6502a
Original poster
Oct 5, 2007
878
0
Fort Worth, TX
I recently found out my best friend is having an affair behind his wife's back. This wasn't a simple one-time occurrence. It's been an ongoing relationship for months (with someone he works with and his wife has met numerous times), and it's just as much emotional as physical from what I've gathered. When I found out about it and approached him, he denied it at first but eventually admitted to it. To make a long story short, due to a large number of arguments between us, the friendship is pretty much null and void. I've known him for over 4 years, but the affair was just the icing on the cake lately and I don't need that kind of "friend" in my life.

My problem is this though - I've known his wife for as long as I've known him, and she doesn't know about this affair yet. And the real kicker - she's pregnant with their first child. I care about her and don't want her to be hurt, but I'm torn as to what to do now.

Do I tell her and break her heart, possibly causing problems in the pregnancy? Do I have faith that eventually he'll stop and tell her himself? Do I remove myself completely and say "it's none of my business" and live with the fact that she may never know? I'd be devastated if I found out years down the line that someone I was with not only cheated on me, but continued a full fledged affair under my nose.

So what would you do? :(
 
That's a tough one. If I were in your position, I would want to let her know about the affair too. But then I could see that causing problems.

My gut feeling right now is to not tell her.
 
How I would handle that ( but this may not be the best way )is this

Tell him he's got until, say, the third trimester of her pregnancy ( 6 months along, basically ) to tell her himself - or you will do it. Give him a chance to be a man about it. But she must be told, and sooner rather than later.

Doug
 
djellison said:
How I would handle that ( but this may not be the best way )is this

Tell him he's got until, say, the third trimester of her pregnancy ( 6 months along, basically ) to tell her himself - or you will do it. Give him a chance to be a man about it. But she must be told, and sooner rather than later.

Doug
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That does sound like a good idea. Give him an ultimatum.
 
From an outside perspective I'd say it probably isn't your place to intervene; however, I would also say that were I in the same situation, I'd much prefer to be informed.
 
She's due in April, so the last trimester is fast approaching. The affair began shortly after she became pregnant, and he has no intentions of stopping anytime soon.

I'm torn because I agree that it's not really my place to tell her, but that I also feel I would want to know if I were in her position and that she probably feels the same way.
 
themoonisdown09 said:
How is this guy's temper? I'm just wondering if you would need to fear for your life if you tell her that he's been having an affair.
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His temper is horrible. I've only seen him blow up a few times in the years of our friendship, but it's never been pretty. He's never touched her or me in anger, but in this situation with the friendship already being over and his marriage hanging in the balance, I wouldn't put it past him to come after me. It's another primary reason I'm hesitating.
 
The wife will be emotionally strongest in the 2nd trimester, so you'd want her to know by the end of that.

Is there a friend of her's you could talk to?
 
dubhe said:
The wife will be emotionally strongest in the 2nd trimester, so you'd want her to know by the end of that.

Is there a friend of her's you could talk to?
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No, I don't know anyone she knows. At least not that doesn't know him as well. I've spent lots of time with them over the years; all their neighbors know me. But I don't want to go spreading the business around with anyone else who knows them. I know his family as well, and they love her and would be there for her as well, but being his family I don't know if I should go to them. His mom knows me and likes me, but her first marriage with his father ended because of an affair; I'd feel awful having to tell her that her son's doing the same thing and that's why she needs to be there for her daughter-in-law.
 
I would stay out of it and mind my own business. Unless it was a close relative of mine that was getting cheated on i would definitely stay out of it. If you decide to meddle then prepare to deal with all the possible consequences. the husband may get violent, you will probably break up a marriage and there will be a bastard child, etc... etc.... Its just not worth getting involved IMO
 
I wouldn't touch this with a bargepole and just run away somewhere till everything explodes on its own accord.
 
A couple more questions.

You said that his wife met the other lady a number of times. Do you happen to know if this other lady is involved with someone else? Do you or your friend/friend's wife know the other lady's significant other? If so, do they have children?

I know that you are looking out for your friend's wife, and justifiably so, but this could get even uglier than it already is. At the very least, your friend's wife will be mad at both, but should really just be mad at her husband; the other lady will have to answer to her own demons in her other relationship (if she has one).

But primary purpose, since there is (will be) children involved is to protect the children and mother. I'd agree with the others. Give him time to tell her himself, and if that doesn't work, then you tell her. Just keep in mind that she is going to be in a different frame of mind than what most women are. They are wanting to protect their children more than anything. So just keep that in mind.

BL.
 
You absolutely cannot win. Whether you tell, or don't tell, you lose.

I realize it's a little late for this advice, but you never ask a friend if they're having an affair, because truly, you don't want to be the bearer of that information should the answer be yes.
 
bradl said:
A couple more questions.

You said that his wife met the other lady a number of times. Do you happen to know if this other lady is involved with someone else? Do you or your friend/friend's wife know the other lady's significant other? If so, do they have children?
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The mistress is not in another relationship. She's divorced with a toddler son, and the ex is back in the picture attempting to win her back, but she is still not sure what she wants. Meanwhile, she continues to sleep with a married man to bide her time.

I know that you are looking out for your friend's wife, and justifiably so, but this could get even uglier than it already is. At the very least, your friend's wife will be mad at both, but should really just be mad at her husband; the other lady will have to answer to her own demons in her other relationship (if she has one).

But primary purpose, since there is (will be) children involved is to protect the children and mother. I'd agree with the others. Give him time to tell her himself, and if that doesn't work, then you tell her. Just keep in mind that she is going to be in a different frame of mind than what most women are. They are wanting to protect their children more than anything. So just keep that in mind.

BL.
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I'm beginning to agree. If she weren't pregnant, I wouldn't hesitate as much. But the ramifications go beyond what I can try to prepare for. The fact that she hasn't picked up on the affair herself speaks for how concerned she is about making sure the pregnancy goes well and unaware of her surroundings. I don't want to cause complications in the pregnancy, nor do I want to potentially split up a new family. She'll hate him when she finds out, but she'll hate me too for knowing and not saying anything.

EricNau said:
You absolutely cannot win. Whether you tell, or don't tell, you lose.

I realize it's a little late for this advice, but you never ask a friend if they're having an affair, because truly, you don't want to be the bearer of that information should the answer be yes.
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And I didn't have to ask, the proof was evident. Plus, he checked his email on my laptop and then accidentally left it open on one of their communications. Not smart on his part. He's usually not this clumsy, but lately he's been really off. His mind's not where it should be. But had it not been evident, I wouldn't have asked. I suspected before the email, but didn't want to know.
 
Does this guy not realize that he's putting his future family in jeopardy? What a loser. He deserves a punch in the face.... or a kick somewhere else.

What are his views about his future with his wife and future child? Does he picture staying with her, raising the kid as a married couple, and continuing to cheat on the side? Or does he figure that he'll split up with his wife at some point after the birth? I think that whatever his plans are, they should play a role into how you handle the situation.

I wouldn't tell her. It's not your place. If you anticipate that they will break up at some point, I would stay in contact with her so that you could lend support to her once she finds out. If they stay together, I'd fade yourself away from any relationship with them- it's a poison situation.

But never tell her that you knew- as someone above said, this is a losing situation for everyone. The only thing that you can do is reduce the amount that you lose by.
 
EricNau said:
You absolutely cannot win. Whether you tell, or don't tell, you lose.
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That is the truth of this situation.

You tell, he might get angry and come after you, or the wife might not believe you and will get mad at you and start accusing you of trying to break them up. You don't tell, and she finds out later, finds out you know, and now she's pissed at you.

I guess the question remains, do you want to remain friends with her? If you do, it's probably best to go the ultimatum route, although you might change it up a bit and give him the option of ending it/re-dedicating himself to his family and/or telling his wife, or you'll tell his wife for him. I might be willing to cover up for a friend if I knew that they were riddled with guilt over a moment of weakness and I never caught them trying anything like it again.

Given what you said it doesn't sound like he's torn with guilt over his indiscretion so I doubt that you'd have much success in him telling her or ending it.

If you have any lawyer friends or friends in law enforcement and you think that he might come after you it might not be a bad idea to see what you can do in that regard if something should happen.
 
Surely said:
Does this guy not realize that he's putting his future family in jeopardy? What a loser. He deserves a punch in the face.... or a kick somewhere else.

What are his views about his future with his wife and future child? Does he picture staying with her, raising the kid as a married couple, and continuing to cheat on the side? Or does he figure that he'll split up with his wife at some point after the birth? I think that whatever his plans are, they should play a role into how you handle the situation.
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I tried to point out to him what he's risking, but he doesn't seem to grasp the potential consequences of his stupidity. From what I've gathered, he still cares for his wife and wants to have the child with her, but has no intention of leaving the mistress either. The mistress refers to what they're doing as a "phase" for him, and that he'll eventually want to be only with his wife again, but until that time comes she's more than willing to be there for him in more ways than one.

atszyman said:
You tell, he might get angry and come after you, or the wife might not believe you and will get mad at you and start accusing you of trying to break them up. You don't tell, and she finds out later, finds out you know, and now she's pissed at you.

I guess the question remains, do you want to remain friends with her? If you do, it's probably best to go the ultimatum route, although you might change it up a bit and give him the option of ending it/re-dedicating himself to his family and/or telling his wife, or you'll tell his wife for him. I might be willing to cover up for a friend if I knew that they were riddled with guilt over a moment of weakness and I never caught them trying anything like it again.

Given what you said it doesn't sound like he's torn with guilt over his indiscretion so I doubt that you'd have much success in him telling her or ending it.
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Exactly. I lose either way, but ultimately she loses more. I'm not worried about me. This isn't a vengeance thing against him. I just don't want her hurt anymore than is already going to happen. We're not close friends, and probably wouldn't remain in touch for long, but I care for her and want her out of this toxic situation in whatever way is necessary.
 
newappleboy said:
I tried to point out to him what he's risking, but he doesn't seem to grasp the potential consequences of his stupidity. From what I've gathered, he still cares for his wife and wants to have the child with her, but has no intention of leaving the mistress either. The mistress refers to what they're doing as a "phase" for him, and that he'll eventually want to be only with his wife again, but until that time comes she's more than willing to be there for him in more ways than one.
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So you know the mistress as well? How well? Might you be able to appeal to her conscience and point out that by continuing this relationship she increases their chances of getting caught and breaking up a family? Is that really how she wants this "relationship" to end up? Maybe she can be convinced to give him the ultimatum, either fess up to the wife and deal with the consequences or she'll end the affair.

Of course that's also unlikely due to the fact that it's probably already been rationalized.
 
New ***** can't cook. 6 minutes in, watch it, show your friend.

Alot of men have trouble dealing with pregnancy, and often turn to sex outside the relationship because they're depressed and over stressed. Your buddy needs to come clean to himself and see a therapist. Upsetting his wife isn't necessary and unless the marriage is over, its not as big a problem as it could be yet. He obviously doesn't have trouble keeping things to himself, and seeing a therapist is a very normal thing. Health insurance will even pay for it. Infidelity doesn't always warrant an end to a relationship. Often its a cry for help.

Or hey, his wife may be turning into a real Kate. People aren't always the same as they used to be.
 
atszyman said:
So you know the mistress as well? How well? Might you be able to appeal to her conscience and point out that by continuing this relationship she increases their chances of getting caught and breaking up a family? Is that really how she wants this "relationship" to end up? Maybe she can be convinced to give him the ultimatum, either fess up to the wife and deal with the consequences or she'll end the affair.

Of course that's also unlikely due to the fact that it's probably already been rationalized.
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I've only met her a few times. Though to her credit, when I found out about the unfair it made her uncomfortable and awkward and considered ceasing that aspect of the relationship. But he didn't care and was adamant that I'd never tell his wife, and so back to to the relationship they went. I can't appeal to her in any way. She's been the one driving the wedge between the two of us even more than he's done himself. I blame her as much as him; he made the first move, but she knew he was married with a child on the way and she didn't care either.
 
I'd tell your "buddy" that WHEN the little lady finds out about the affair, she'll want a divorce. Seeing how, his affair is the reason for her wanting a divorce, chances are a jury will award her everything. And he'll be living out of his '96 Geo Metro for the foreseeable future. That should set him straight, PDQ.
 
themoonisdown09 said:
That's a tough one. If I were in your position, I would want to let her know about the affair too. But then I could see that causing problems.

My gut feeling right now is to not tell her.
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yeah i think that her being pregnant kind of makes her knowledge of this forbidden for now because that would be pretty devastating for her and you don't want to harm the baby.
 
Mousse said:
I'd tell your "buddy" that WHEN the little lady finds out about the affair, she'll want a divorce. Seeing how, his affair is the reason for her wanting a divorce, chances are a jury will award her everything. And he'll be living out of his '96 Geo Metro for the foreseeable future. That should set him straight, PDQ.
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Even more so because she's not from this area, and he's the only reason she's here. She has friends here now, but without him she'll move home and take the baby with her. I don't doubt that at all.
 
I would stay out of it. The couple always turn against the person who broke the news. Like someone said above, you can't win.
 
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