Not-so-secret affair

[cycocelica]

This is a tough question. I would want to tell the lady cause she doesn't deserve that treatment.

But at that same time, I hate getting involved with those situations. It never works out for the middle party.

As for now, stay out of it. It can only end badly.

 

[MrM]

Here's my take on it. And as someone in this thread has already said, I would talk to him. Its going to be a downer for her no matter who tells her, but its best coming from him. I'd confront the guy. It's his decision. However, He needs to know that someone besides him and his mistress have knowledge of the affair. Guilt will do the rest I would imagine.

 

[timerollson]

Your friend so has it coming to him later down the road. I hope he sees the error of his ways. If not, he is in for a very rude awakening. Karma, inevitably, is a b!tch!

 

[Mac Kiwi]

I am thinking this friend is setting you up to spill the beans.I dont think he has the guts to do it himself.I say this because he didnt say "no dont tell her!....instead he says "you would never tell her? {sounds a lot like baiting to me}...plus he didnt get really angry.


I might be wrong but I think he wants out,and you have been chosen to do it for his spineless ass.


You could also "help" someone else stumble onto the situation without them realizing you knew,then you get out as clean you can - just a suggestion mind.

 

[és:]

Do I remove myself completely and say "it's none of my business"

Yes.

 

[DarkHeraldMage]

Here's my take on it. And as someone in this thread has already said, I would talk to him. Its going to be a downer for her no matter who tells her, but its best coming from him. I'd confront the guy. It's his decision. However, He needs to know that someone besides him and his mistress have knowledge of the affair. Guilt will do the rest I would imagine.

He knows that I'm aware and we've discussed it, but his guilt (if he has any) isn't making him want to stop. The mistress' is however, to a small degree. She's having second thoughts. An affair is fine and dandy to those committing it when nobody else knows, but when there's accountability it becomes sticky. When someone knows how devious and rotten you are, it makes it a little more difficult to feel okay about it. That's my hope at least.

I am thinking this friend is setting you up to spill the beans.I dont think he has the guts to do it himself.I say this because he didnt say "no dont tell her!....instead he says "you would never tell her? {sounds a lot like baiting to me}...plus he didnt get really angry.

I might be wrong but I think he wants out,and you have been chosen to do it for his spineless ass.

You could also "help" someone else stumble onto the situation without them realizing you knew,then you get out as clean you can - just a suggestion mind.

I considered this as well. When they get back from out of town I'm going to see if his wife wants to see a movie. We've gone together without him before if it's a movie he doesn't want to see. Part of me hopes the time alone will give her the chance to ask me, and then I won't have to lie. I don't want to tell her outright, but I won't deny knowledge of it if she suspects as well.

 

[Abstract]

You absolutely cannot win. Whether you tell, or don't tell, you lose.

Which is why I'd tell her. If you're going to wait, don't wait until too late in the pregnancy, or immediately after the baby is born. There is no "good time" to do this. The best time is right now, before the major responsibilities come and she can get more sympathy and family support from both her family, and his. If you don't say anything, everybody will think, "Oh, she's got him to be there for her." Maybe he'll be there, but his heart won't be, and that's really terrible.

Besides, the friendship is over whether you tell her or not. Since it's best that she know now rather than later, do it now.

Exactly. If I tell her, chances are they'll both resent me for it. Her because the illusion of a great husband will be ruined.

Don't be so sure about that. She'll blame him. You'll be fine.

It sounds like she'd be a better long-term friend for you anyway at this moment, and telling her won't ruin your long-term friendship. If anything, she'll appreciate it.

 

[DarkHeraldMage]

Which is why I'd tell her. If you're going to wait, don't wait until too late in the pregnancy, or immediately after the baby is born. There is no "good time" to do this. The best time is right now, before the major responsibilities come and she can get more sympathy and family support from both her family, and his.

Agreed. I think I'm going to give him an ultimatum and see how he takes it. From there, it falls on one of us to tell her, but she will be told.

 

[themoonisdown09]

newappleboy, did you happen to save the email that was left open on your computer that proved this guy was having an affair? If you did, just send it to his wife using an anonymous email address and say that he's having an affair.

Now everybody wins.

 

[DarkHeraldMage]

newappleboy, did you happen to save the email that was left open on your computer that proved this guy was having an affair? If you did, just send it to his wife using an anonymous email address and say that he's having an affair.

Now everybody wins.

I do, but he knows that the email is the way I found out. If she gets it and confronts him, I'm toast. He doesn't know I saved it and have it as proof though. He told me in the beginning that if I told her, she'd never believe me and he and the mistress would just deny it.

 

[Abstract]

How are you toast? You don't like his morals, and the friendship is over because of it. Not sure if this is something you can fix anyway. Dating, like friendship, is also based on a lot of trust.

You're helping a friend (the girl, not him) out by telling her ASAP. You really are. Do it while she can still get things such as help and assistance from her family sorted out. After the birth, it'll be hard for her to deal with everything.

 

[themoonisdown09]

I do, but he knows that the email is the way I found out. If she gets it and confronts him, I'm toast. He doesn't know I saved it and have it as proof though. He told me in the beginning that if I told her, she'd never believe me and he and the mistress would just deny it.

You don't have any friends that are cops do you?

 

[DarkHeraldMage]

How are you toast? You don't like his morals, and the friendship is over because of it. Not sure if this is something you can fix anyway. Dating, like friendship, is also based on a lot of trust.

You're helping a friend (the girl, not him) out by telling her ASAP. You really are. Do it while she can still get things such as help and assistance from her family sorted out. After the birth, it'll be hard for her to deal with everything.

Toast because he'd come after me physically. Which ultimately, I could deal with if it meant his wife being protected in the long run. His morals have all but disappeared at this point. The man I knew and cared about as my best friend is no longer there. Maybe buried deep down, but I don't know if that part of him will ever resurface.

You're right about her. She needs to know sooner rather than later. I'd hate for her to stay with him out of necessity once the baby is born if that's not where she wants to be.

You don't have any friends that are cops do you?

I don't. He's the most physically fit person I know too, so he'd normally be the person I go to if I were in this kind of situation.

 

[Abstract]

I'd take the risk of him coming after me physically.

Besides, I always doubt that people I know would go too far in trying to beat me up. If they ever cared about you, they probably wouldn't go too far. Besides, he knows he's wrong, and that what you're doing is the right thing for her. He may be angry, but if you avoid him for a week after you tell her, I don't know if he'd be mad enough to beat your ass.

 

[Arran]

You've been put in an impossible situation - some 'friend' you have there. And as for 'accidentally' leaving his email open for you to see? Yeah, right! I suspect he was obliquely priming you as someone already suggested.

I think he expects you to either:
1) Do his dirty work and tell his wife, or
2) Tacitly approve of his behavior by keeping quiet (and stay his buddy).

Both are crappy options. Like I said; some friend!

I have no idea if my advice is appropriate in your situation, but I'd cut him off TOTALLY (no talks, no email, no phone calls, nothing) and, most importantly, tell him why. Explain the impossible situation he's put you in and say your not prepared to passively lie to his wife. Make it quit clear that his behavior has ended your friendship and he's on his own now. You're out. You'll need to avoid his wife too. Not nice, but it may precipitate a frank - and overdue - discussion between the two of them. It's not your place to participate in this discussion, however.

Of course, I'd hope your friendship is still worth something to him. Making him to face the stark reality of a destroyed friendship might force him to reflect on his relationship with his own wife.

Bottom line: He must address this with his wife, all by himself. You're not his babysitter. Make your position clear and then stay clear. Don't let him drag you along for the ride: He's just stalling.

(Bugger! I only came in here to see if the new headphones were out )

 

[Mac Kiwi]

Just a thought - If you do nothing for a while it would be interesting to see,if he gets around to putting someone else in your position,seeing as he has no spine to do it himself.

 

[teflon]

Ultimatum is a good idea, but give him a short one. She has to know ASAP, preferably within the month. If she wants to move out, divorce, move back home or stay and sort out the marriage, she needs to do that NOW before the baby is born. After a baby is born is not a good idea. Not only is she going to be overwhelmed with a newborn, almost all women experience some sort of depression right after birth and are quite emotional in the first few weeks or even months. Telling her the news may send her into postpartum depression, and decrease her ability as a mother. Tell her now, it still really is just she that she has to deal with and take care of. Tell her later, you're seriously affecting the baby's life too. Worse case scenario, your ******* of a friend may actually get the baby if the mother is really depressed. No offense, but I would not want to be friends with someone like him, so I don't see why you still care so much about what he would think and do. The fact that he would so blatantly flaunt his invincibility by saying she would never believe you shows that he is not really guilty or think he's a bad person at all. Make copies of the email (on USB, external HD, printout) then tell him that you have the emails and have made copies to ensure its safety, and if he doesn't tell his wife in two weeks you will show her the email and tell her. Don't invite him to your house, talk to him in a public place, like a quiet corner of a cafe or something. He can't harm you there. And honestly, if nothing, do it for the baby. She doesn't deserve to be born to a torn marriage and fighting parents. And the fact that your friend doesn't like his own child because it's a girl is absolutely ridiculous . He doesn't deserve a child or a wife. They deserve so much more, and for them, you have to tell the truth, or make him do it. If he agrees to talk to her, tell him to give you a date, and tell him that you will talk to her after that date. So that way he can't just be lying to buy more time, and won't give her a twisted version of the affair. Good luck!

 

[apsterling]

Tell him, and have your phone in your hand ready to dial 911 in case it gets bad.

 

[Kardashian]

Tell her.

Be there if she needs support - otherwise, walk away.

Imagine if you were in her shoes and she knew your partner, who you were starting a family with - was cheating on you. You'd want to know, right?

She needs to know - as horrible as it is. Her whole life and their childs cannot be a lie.

This ex-friend is destroying 2 lives that did not ask for it.

 

[carlgo]

I'd tell your "buddy" that WHEN the little lady finds out about the affair, she'll want a divorce. Seeing how, his affair is the reason for her wanting a divorce, chances are a jury will award her everything. And he'll be living out of his '96 Geo Metro for the foreseeable future. That should set him straight, PDQ.

No fair threatening him with a Geo Metro.

 

[bigjnyc]

Yeah, that was one of the points I touched on earlier that probably got lost in the thread. lol She's aware it's an affair. She's been over to their house, knows he's married and that he has a child on the way. When I found out I got justifiably mad at the two of them for doing this, and he told me that I had every right to be mad at him (at first, then later changed his stance), but that I shouldn't be mad at her. Why not? It's not like he seduced her in a bar. She is a friend of theirs and went into the situation knowingly. She made her choices with all the information.

wow! see one thing is to not know the person thats being cheated on but when you have interacted with the person and now them i just dont get how people can do that. Dont get me wrong its bad either way but this lady is just the lowest of the low... she really should have turned down his advances in light of the fact that she knows his wife and has interacted with her.

 

[DarkHeraldMage]

Ultimatum is a good idea, but give him a short one. She has to know ASAP, preferably within the month. If she wants to move out, divorce, move back home or stay and sort out the marriage, she needs to do that NOW before the baby is born. After a baby is born is not a good idea. Not only is she going to be overwhelmed with a newborn, almost all women experience some sort of depression right after birth and are quite emotional in the first few weeks or even months. Telling her the news may send her into postpartum depression, and decrease her ability as a mother. Tell her now, it still really is just she that she has to deal with and take care of. Tell her later, you're seriously affecting the baby's life too. Worse case scenario, your ******* of a friend may actually get the baby if the mother is really depressed. No offense, but I would not want to be friends with someone like him, so I don't see why you still care so much about what he would think and do. The fact that he would so blatantly flaunt his invincibility by saying she would never believe you shows that he is not really guilty or think he's a bad person at all. Make copies of the email (on USB, external HD, printout) then tell him that you have the emails and have made copies to ensure its safety, and if he doesn't tell his wife in two weeks you will show her the email and tell her. Don't invite him to your house, talk to him in a public place, like a quiet corner of a cafe or something. He can't harm you there. And honestly, if nothing, do it for the baby. She doesn't deserve to be born to a torn marriage and fighting parents. And the fact that your friend doesn't like his own child because it's a girl is absolutely ridiculous . He doesn't deserve a child or a wife. They deserve so much more, and for them, you have to tell the truth, or make him do it. If he agrees to talk to her, tell him to give you a date, and tell him that you will talk to her after that date. So that way he can't just be lying to buy more time, and won't give her a twisted version of the affair. Good luck!

All good points. Thank you very much for the insight.

wow! see one thing is to not know the person thats being cheated on but when you have interacted with the person and now them i just dont get how people can do that. Dont get me wrong its bad either way but this lady is just the lowest of the low... she really should have turned down his advances in light of the fact that she knows his wife and has interacted with her.

Agreed. I can't imagine the pain of not only knowing I was cheated on, but that I know the person the affair was with. It's a disgusting situation.