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Old GF is ill and wants help...what to do?

glocke12

glocke12

macrumors 6502a
Original poster
Jan 7, 2008
999
7
Five years ago I dated this woman off and on for 2 years or so..

It basically ended because my father passed away and I had to assume care for my mother, and she basically was not cool with the amount of time I spent taking care of my Mother (something I do not regret doing!!). A year later my mother died, and during my grief I tried to reach out to this person, more or less just to say hello, and she basically told me she was seeing someone and not to call her again.

Than this summer I started getting text messages from her asking me to call her...I ignored them, than this week they became more frequent.

Apparently she has degenerative spinal disease and is homeless, and has no where to go, and from the sound of it is looking for support (financial, emotional, etc).

Emotionally I dont really feel anything for her...I feel badly for her because of her situation, but I am not really in a position to help her. Also, i am not really in her area anymore. I am a good 3 hours away.

I have yet to return any of her texts, emails or calls, and I don't really plan to.

Not really sure what Im looking for by posting this, but what would others do in this position?
 
Sounds like she is just trying to get financial help from you. She ignored you couple of years ago so why should you help her now? Sounds kinda weird that she can send emails and call you but she's homeless. Any idea how she became "homeless"?

I would stay away from her. You have no need to help her and it sounds more or less fishy
 
Yeah, she was the one that left you and ignored you - why should you go back and help her? Hasn't she got family of her own that can help?
 
I don't think there's any right or wrong answers especially because we don't know you and her.

Should you help her? I dunno,
Could you help her? maybe.

Personally, if this happened to me, I would respond. Nothing is worse then dealing with a medical illness alone. That doesn't mean I'd let her move in, give her money or anything like that but perhaps having a conversation and seeing how to help in small ways may be appropriate.
 
Regardless of who she has to help she turned her back on you. I would help her but I'm a passive aggressive pushover with tendencies to attach myself to people who use and abuse me. You, on the other hand, are likely different and should simply ignore her.
 
glocke12 said:
Five years ago I dated this woman off and on for 2 years or so..

It basically ended because my father passed away and I had to assume care for my mother, and she basically was not cool with the amount of time I spent taking care of my Mother (something I do not regret doing!!). A year later my mother died, and during my grief I tried to reach out to this person, more or less just to say hello, and she basically told me she was seeing someone and not to call her again.

Than this summer I started getting text messages from her asking me to call her...I ignored them, than this week they became more frequent.

Apparently she has degenerative spinal disease and is homeless, and has no where to go, and from the sound of it is looking for support (financial, emotional, etc).

Emotionally I dont really feel anything for her...I feel badly for her because of her situation, but I am not really in a position to help her. Also, i am not really in her area anymore. I am a good 3 hours away.

I have yet to return any of her texts, emails or calls, and I don't really plan to.

Not really sure what Im looking for by posting this, but what would others do in this position?
Click to expand...
I had a similar situation in which I just felt sorry for the person and sent them a few bucks. WORST MISTAKE I EVER MADE! The calls never stopped. Monthly requests for more and more cash. DO NOT respond unless you are prepared and able to help on an ongoing basis.
 
She left you for taking care of your sick mother, and now she wants you to take care of her when she's sick? I say eff that, let her get help somewhere else.
 
Has she genuinely apologized or given any hint that she feels remorse about her appalling behaviour previously other than to try to worm her way back into your life when SHE is the one in need?
 
Yikes.

Should you help her? Eh, I don't know you but it sounds like something to avoided at all costs.

Could you help her? Sure, be the bigger person, turn the other cheek, etc.

I think the answer is up to you and it probably lies in between. Don't give her money (as you said, you can't afford to) but if she needs a sympathetic ear, maybe? I don't know... it's definitely a tough situation and I could see valid reasons for either end of the spectrum.
 
glocke12 said:
Five years ago I dated this woman off and on for 2 years or so..

It basically ended because my father passed away and I had to assume care for my mother, and she basically was not cool with the amount of time I spent taking care of my Mother (something I do not regret doing!!). A year later my mother died, and during my grief I tried to reach out to this person, more or less just to say hello, and she basically told me she was seeing someone and not to call her again.

Than this summer I started getting text messages from her asking me to call her...I ignored them, than this week they became more frequent.

Apparently she has degenerative spinal disease and is homeless, and has no where to go, and from the sound of it is looking for support (financial, emotional, etc).

Emotionally I dont really feel anything for her...I feel badly for her because of her situation, but I am not really in a position to help her. Also, i am not really in her area anymore. I am a good 3 hours away.

I have yet to return any of her texts, emails or calls, and I don't really plan to.

Not really sure what Im looking for by posting this, but what would others do in this position?
Click to expand...

I would be there for her as a person to talk to, nothing more.
 
Stay as far away as you possibly can. Don't get invested or she will drag you down with her. Don't give her anything. If you respond to her, it should be in the form of "I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, but I had troubles too and you weren't there for me. I have no room in my life for you anymore, sorry."

Call me a cold-hearted son of a bitch, but I've been dragged down into stuff with women before and tangled up mentally and emotionally, and it's best just to be cold with them and stay away in those kind of situations.
 
iBlue said:
Has she genuinely apologized or given any hint that she feels remorse about her appalling behaviour previously other than to try to worm her way back into your life when SHE is the one in need?
Click to expand...

+1

If it looks like you're just the next in a long list of people she's begging for help from, then no. If she realizes the mistakes she's made in the past and wants to be a better person, then you should consider it. But not before then. And it has to come from her, not because you asked her about it.
 
There are plenty of avenues she has for help, whether they be shelters, religious organizations, etc.

Think of it this way. There are tens of thousands of people in this country who are in similar situations who could use your help. Do you feel a moral obligation to do so? Most likely not, because you have no particular attachment to them or duty to help them. The way you're describing this girl, she effectively estranged herself from you to the point that she's relegated herself to being one of those people. Frankly, given your description of her past behavior, it sounds like she would be nothing more than a financial and emotional leach.

There is the chance that her hard times have mad her realize her past mistakes and feelings for you, but it's not likely given her past.
 
If it was me, in my best moments, I'd forgive and forget the past and see how she is by first making a call.

One thing is for sure, if you can't contact her without both of you letting go of all the baggage, then it's perhaps best not to contact her at all. Being ill and homeless — plus the humiliation of having to contact you — is difficult enough without having to rake over the past, dragging up old resentments, so unless you genuinely want to help her and move on, with no expectations, then it might be best to leave her alone.
 
People in this world are too much about giving what you got. If you want to help her, help her because that’s what you would want someone to do for you. If not, don’t. But don’t let what she did to you be the deciding factor.
 
I think only you can answer this question. On the one side I think people should help other. On the other side I think there is no point in ruin oneself (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially) especialy if these people behaved in the past like you have described.
 
If she came out early asking you for money straight away I'd be wary. Otherwise I'd at least call her to get the whole story, and try to see how genuine she seems on the phone. Without talking to her I think it's hard to tell whether she's a cold money grubbing ice b!tch who left you when you needed her most, or if the illness has helped her realize the error of her ways, and she hopes maybe you'll forgive her.
 
If you still felt something for her, and you don't, I wouldn't be saying "Payback is a bitch!!".

Get on with your life, and stay out of hers.
 
Seems to me you want to help her or you wouldn't have posted this. You've been here long enough to know that the consensus would be very negative towards her in the replies.

I say reach out to her to talk and see where she's at.
 
I personally wouldn't do anything more than talk, and certainly don't bring up money or anything like that. It sounds like you would just end up being used for money. She could be lying about the disease (I know someone who lied about having cancer just to get attention), although I don't know her, so that could be way out of line. There could also be details that she is hiding, like why won't the other guy, or some family or someone take her in?

It just seems too risky, very sketchy, and could land you in an awkward situation. I hate saying not to help someone, but I don't like the sound of that.
 
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