Sidebar Sidebar
Become a MacRumors Supporter for $50/year with no ads, ability to filter front page stories, and private forums.

Old GF is ill and wants help...what to do?

if i were in your situation, i would call. i would call her and listen to what she has to say.

if even you get the slightest feeling, she wants money, a place to stay or "use" you in anyway way, then say, sorry, but you cannot help.

after that, order some pizza.
 
She is homeless and has a cell phone? She sounds like a moocher. When you needed support she was no where to be found. If it was me I would take her to the doctor if she needed it, or to a library so she could fill out a medicare application. I wouldn't give her a penny until I knew 100% she was in need of help. And even then I wouldn't hand out much.
 
ravenvii said:
I used to live in an area with a very large homeless population. You'd be surprised at how many of them do have cell phones. having a cell phone isn't expensive those days.
Click to expand...

Here in the UK the cheapest mobile phone (pre-paid, no contract) is ten pounds. And it would be the most important investment a homeless person could make, because as we've seen they have a chance to contact you, ask for help, and you can reach them. Or if someone has a job to do and a phone number, they can contact that person and give them a job - not if that person doesn't have a phone.
 
Don't become a callous, negative person - but don't be a fool either. There's nothing wrong with talking to her, and nothing wrong with letting her know how you felt/feel after she treated you so poorly. It doesn't have to go any further unless you want it to.
 
Thanks for the replies...I guess I was looking for validation of my original feelings, to just ignore the situation.


Im really not one to carry grudges, or to hold something against someone, (though I have been known to drop friendships on a dime if I feel that person is a leech), but at the same time I am aware that I have a "helpful" personality, and have gotten myself into some messy situations as a result of that.

I did end up sending an email, saying I was not in a position to help someone in her situation, but that I would help her find resources to get the help she needs and left it at that.
 
glocke12 said:
Thanks for the replies...I guess I was looking for validation of my original feelings, to just ignore the situation.


Im really not one to carry grudges, or to hold something against someone, (though I have been known to drop friendships on a dime if I feel that person is a leech), but at the same time I am aware that I have a "helpful" personality, and have gotten myself into some messy situations as a result of that.

I did end up sending an email, saying I was not in a position to help someone in her situation, but that I would help her find resources to get the help she needs and left it at that.
Click to expand...

Not that you're required to or anything but you never answered my question. :eek: It may have sounded rhetorical but I didn't mean for it to be. I was curious if she had apologized or shown remorse or something to indicate being deserving of forgiveness and maybe some emotional support. If she had then you certainly wouldn't be a chump for that. Everyone makes mistakes but some learn the error of their ways. She acted terribly on what was at least a few occasions by turning her back on you when you needed her but that doesn't mean you have to do the same - IF you WANT to. However, you'd have to want to without holding onto past resentments because that's no good for either of you.

Anyway, I know you've already sent the email and your mind may already be made up but here's some disposable thoughts anyway.
 
iBlue said:
Not that you're required to or anything but you never answered my question. :eek: It may have sounded rhetorical but I didn't mean for it to be. I was curious if she had apologized or shown remorse or something to indicate being deserving of forgiveness and maybe some emotional support. If she had then you certainly wouldn't be a chump for that. Everyone makes mistakes but some learn the error of their ways. She acted terribly on what was at least a few occasions by turning her back on you when you needed her but that doesn't mean you have to do the same - IF you WANT to. However, you'd have to want to without holding onto past resentments because that's no good for either of you.

Anyway, I know you've already sent the email and your mind may already be made up but here's some disposable thoughts anyway.
Click to expand...

She did apologize in her last email for the way she behaved during my last call. Apparently she is living out of her car, and for reasons she has not explained her remaining family won't take her in...

I feel very badly for her, alone, homeless and with a devastating illness...ugh.
 
glocke12 said:
She did apologize in her last email for the way she behaved during my last call. Apparently she is living out of her car, and for reasons she has not explained her remaining family won't take her in...

I feel very badly for her, alone, homeless and with a devastating illness...ugh.
Click to expand...
Friends & family won't help? Living in car? This sounds more like drug abuse w/ some denial stories thrown in for others to believe.

I would validate her conditions with her family first.
 
I had a very similar situation. A friend was homeless (brother threw him out of his house) and called me for help. He had mental and drug problems, asked me to help take care of him. I knew that wasn't going to happen.

I called social services on his behalf, got him a boarding type residence to stay in. It didn't work out (he ended up in jail) but at least I tried. Maybe that's all this girl needs, some help getting set up with social services or something.
 
I am always suspicious if someone is not talking to family members or friends when they don't say why. That doesn't mean that I automatically assume there is something fishy going on but it does make me a little wary. If you know that in the past the GF didn't have a good relationship with her family fair enough, but if she did and now doesn't, there is probably more to this than meets the eye.

If you want to help, make it practical but less personal. Don't offer money, or a place to stay but do offer to help her contact any officials or organisations who can help her. If you are feeling particularly generous meet for coffee but I would have somewhere to go onto after you have met her, something involving friends that it is not possible for her to tag along to.

Remember nasty things happen to lots of different types of people, good or bad. It is not your job to sort it out and you should only do so if you feel comfortable doing so. Even horrible people get ill and it doesn't magically make them nice in the process.

Good luck.
 
glocke12 said:
She did apologize in her last email for the way she behaved during my last call. Apparently she is living out of her car, and for reasons she has not explained her remaining family won't take her in...

I feel very badly for her, alone, homeless and with a devastating illness...ugh.
Click to expand...
Not only should you avoid this person completely, you might consider telling her you've moved out of the country permanently.
 
Reach out to her, yes.

Give her freebies, no.

At no point in time should you EVER give her money. AT ALL. This sets the stage for abuse and misuse. Instead, focus on helping her in more constructive ways; emotional support, research resources, etc. Because she's disconnected from her family, and because she lost her house, etc, it probably means she was doing something fishy.

I'm not going to go as far as to say don't trust her... but be incredibly careful. Don't let her twist you around her finger, digging into your cash, house, etc.

EDIT: Make sure to check on the real back story as well... if she really had degenerative spinal disease, chances are she'd be pretty okay-- in pain, yes, but immobilized, no. I'm assuming shes not doing heavy lifting, or never has, and if she's not old... lets just say you need to check into it. Chances are she actually has other issues (ex drugs); degenerative spinal disease typically is highly manageable.
 
Tell her flat out that she caused you problems when you cared for someone in a position worse than hers, and now she is the bitch with the karma tattoo on her ass. :eek:

But say it nicely. ;)

---

Sort of is sad that the relationship ended badly with her, when you were helping someone out and spending time with a loved one when they needed it most.

And now she is considering you a sucker willing to do it again.

Where are all her other friends from the past few years, did she burn all her bridges recently? And why?

---

Basically all you can do is spend some TIME helping find the resources to rebuild her life. Be a friend, but not a wallet in need of a leech.
 
glocke12 said:
Five years ago I dated this woman off and on for 2 years or so..

It basically ended because my father passed away and I had to assume care for my mother, and she basically was not cool with the amount of time I spent taking care of my Mother (something I do not regret doing!!). A year later my mother died, and during my grief I tried to reach out to this person, more or less just to say hello, and she basically told me she was seeing someone and not to call her again.

Than this summer I started getting text messages from her asking me to call her...I ignored them, than this week they became more frequent.

Apparently she has degenerative spinal disease and is homeless, and has no where to go, and from the sound of it is looking for support (financial, emotional, etc).

Emotionally I dont really feel anything for her...I feel badly for her because of her situation, but I am not really in a position to help her. Also, i am not really in her area anymore. I am a good 3 hours away.

I have yet to return any of her texts, emails or calls, and I don't really plan to.

Not really sure what Im looking for by posting this, but what would others do in this position?
Click to expand...


With my 40 years of life experience and solely based upon what you have posted above: Don't feel responsible, don't let yourself be used and ignore the calls and move on with your life.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Register on MacRumors! This sidebar will go away, and you'll see fewer ads.
Top Bottom
Back