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Personal advice on an Internet forum, I have reached a new low

upsguy27

upsguy27

macrumors 65816
Original poster
Jun 25, 2007
1,210
19
Utah
a.k.a. I Am Pathetic, Part 3

Anyways, girl and I dated for about four and a half months from October 2009 - February 2010... reason we broke up is because I got jealous and insecure and possessive and basically controlling her life in fear that she would break up with me if I wasn't with her all the time... all that fun stuff.

After we broke up I was devastated, except instead of what normally happens where she goes away and I get over her after a hard month or two, we remain friends the very next week. Kind of hard to get away from a girl you go to school with, but I'd be lying if I said I wanted to get away from her.

Fast forward 8 months from then, we've hooked up again on and off and grown to best friends. Except, nothing has changed. I'm still the posessive little b*tch I was 8 months ago. Only reason she still talks to me is because she's so forgiving. Now, things have gotten worse and I realize something has to happen, or this will go on forever.

I wish there was some way I could just not see her for months, but I mean... we go to the same school, we have the same classes, all of my friends are her friends and vice versa, avoiding her is impossible and I don't even want to do it.

I thought about dating someone else, even tried liking them... two things happened, I just thought of the girl I'm obsessed with the whole time, and second, I just started becoming obsessed with the new girl. Now I'm back to square one. I can't go on like this, hating every guy that talks to her and not being able to tell her myself.

My question to you is, dear Internet, what the hell do I do? It's not as simple as just "moving on". Every day is a reminder of her because she's literally unavoidable. I can't date anyone else to get over her because I still have that obsessive nature. So, yeah. Sorry about the essay.

tl;dr I'm obsessed with a girl who is my best friend and I see every day, how do I get over her
 
Look for an activity to do every time you think of her. The less you think of her the better. The only way to cancel one repetitive state of the mind, is with another much stronger bond (or repetitive action).

That or some serious counseling. I am leaning more towards the counseling. That should also help you get over other issues and your possessiveness.
 
It's clear to me that you don't want to get over her. You still like her, you don't really want things to change - except that you really want to be "with" her again, in a relationship. Just pull the trigger and do it.
 
Tomorrow said:
It's clear to me that you don't want to get over her. You still like her, you don't really want things to change - except that you really want to be "with" her again, in a relationship. Just pull the trigger and do it.
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No, I really don't want to be. I can't, she doesn't want to date me anymore... kinda killed that with the whole obsession thing.
 
Slight topic drift but stay away from alcohol and drugs if your personality is geared this way. Nearly every one of the worst addicts I've met behaved that way in relationships. There's definitely a connection.

I think a hobby and something else to focus on would be a tremendous help. It may be worth considering talking to a therapist to work on re-patterning these behaviours as well.
 
Perhaps an altar devoted to her in your room with candles and pictures plastered all over:rolleyes:.

Actually I agree with others in that perhaps you should see a psychologist to address your obsessive and controlling tendencies. At least you can admit that you have a problem. Now seek professional help to resolve it.

Some medical plans allow for psychiatrists for at least a limited number of visits. They are M.D.'s and will diagnose your problems, refer you to a therapist that specializes in your condition and prescribe medication if needed.

These plans also may allow for a psychologist. Whom has a Ph.D, is trained to counsel and is a researcher.

For more information here are a couple of links that may help you figure where to start.
Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Counselor? Which Mental Health Professional should I Choose?

Distinctions Between Therapist Degrees
 
I don't know how you're going to get over this girl, so I can't say anything about that.

What I can tell you, which I actually believe is more important, is to learn to trust. If you genuinely trust her, you wouldn't worry so much about faithfulness/fidelity and be so possessive.

The solution to all this isn't to try to date someone else, or to find a hobby. It may help now, but it won't help you 2 years from now when it happens again. The solution is to fix your "I'm a crappy boyfriend" personality.

jav6454 said:
Look for an activity to do every time you think of her.
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*shakes head in disgust*
 
How old are you? If you are on the young side (like under 18) then I'm not sure you need the services of a mental health professional just yet--except for perhaps a guidance counselor.

On the other hand, if you're into your twenties then I'd say it's time to visit a psychologist to help you through this.
 
If you're in high school, I don't know... try to get into sports or non-academic activities that she isn't interested in, try to create some space however you can.

If you're in college, look into doing a semester abroad? It might help you to just cut ties with here for a few months, give yourself new perspective, and maybe have some fun while doing it?
 
Do you guys really think being away from her for like a month would make much of a difference? If I left her for a month and then came back things would be so much weirder between us, she gets bored easily and would forget I even exist within the first week of me being gone. I don't know if I want to risk our friendship too.
 
upsguy27 said:
Do you guys really think being away from her for like a month would make much of a difference? If I left her for a month and then came back things would be so much weirder between us, she gets bored easily and would forget I even exist within the first week of me being gone. I don't know if I want to risk our friendship too.
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Move on, leave her. There are billions of women on this planet, she's not the only one you'll like.
 
upsguy27 said:
Do you guys really think being away from her for like a month would make much of a difference? If I left her for a month and then came back things would be so much weirder between us, she gets bored easily and would forget I even exist within the first week of me being gone. I don't know if I want to risk our friendship too.
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Do you really want a friend who forgets about you in a week?
 
I'm probably going to butcher this saying, but isn't there something about you have to learn how to be apart in order to be together? Even if it's just to be friends...

IMHO, I think you need some space... if nothing else, to learn to function productively and personally without each other.
 
Your chances of having a successful relationship with anyone are pretty low if you don't fix this obsessive and controlling thing you describe. Stop worrying about what someone else is doing or not doing, thinking or not thinking, saying or not saying, and focus on what you actually have control over... yourself. One of the keys to a lasting relationship is putting the other person first and focusing on what you can do to support/love them. Simply put, focus on your part of the relationship, not theirs.

As far as getting over this girl, one word... time. Friendships after dating relationships can be really awkward. Stop focusing on her, focus on yourself, and give it time.
 
Sounds like something you'll just need to control....having the jealous thoughts might be something you can't control right away, but what you do with them is something you can control.

Long term, just think, clearly she cares for you, else why would you two be such good friends. So why be jealous? I've recently gone through something similiar, although there was much less of physical relationship then you seem to have had, and of course it's hard to compare jealousy within peoples minds, but I can see similarities. It definitely sucks, but try to focus on other things if you get too angry/upset about it.
 
sushi said:
Perhaps, find someone new.
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UPsguy! I CAN relate, kinda!

I dated this girl all summer, and she started college back in August. Right before she was moving into her dorm, she pretty much dumped me.

We haven't talked since.

Has she forgotten me? Doubt it! Does she think about me? Maybe.

Relate to me, there. Know that she won't forget you in a month, probably not even a year, and she WILL think about you. You guy's were even together longer than us.

I was a jerk in the obsessive department to her though. I would cling sometimes and text her just... cause.

It was abusive and unfair.

If none of this seems helpful, then let this be a final word of advice, make a choice. Stay, or go.

You say you don't want to get over her, then stay. But do so in a way that can possibly structure you two to get back together, if that's what you really decide you want.

Also, asking for advice on her isn't that shameful. For some, it may be the final place to go. Not to mention complete anonymity is nice to keep from getting embarrassed because you told someone how you felt.
 
upsguy27 said:
How am I supposed to get over a girl I don't want to get over?
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How about re-reading some of these replies? There were plenty of wise words.

She doesn't want you, and rightly so. You're lucky she puts up with you at all from the sounds of things. If it's too much to bear being around her when you can't control her or who she talks to then you're going to have to distance yourself from her. That sounds like the better plan under the circumstances. Same classes or not, it is possible to be in someone's presence without needing to interact with them much.

Time WILL heal this. Until then, find a hobby and something else to focus on and possibly seek the help of a therapist.
 
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