FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCES $100 BILLION MANUFACTURING INVESTMENT FROM “TIM APPLE,” DECLARES IT “THE BIGGEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE, EXCEPT ME”
Washington, D.C. — In a surprise press conference held in the newly rebranded “Oval Office Presented by Truth Social,” President Donald J. Trump today announced that Tim Cook — whom he affectionately referred to as “Tim Apple” — will be leading Apple’s
$100 billion investment in U.S. manufacturing, a move Trump called “the greatest manufacturing announcement in the history of the Country, probably the world, but I don’t like to brag.”
“This is a very big deal. Very big. Tim Apple is making the biggest investment in American manufacturing — EVER. People are saying it’s even bigger than the moon landing. And I said, ‘Of course it is — we’re bringing jobs back. The moon doesn’t make iPhones, folks.’”
According to President Trump, the investment will include:
- “Gigantic” factories in “all the great states”
- New lines of iPhones “made with freedom, not communism.”
- Thousands of American jobs for “real patriots, not the ones who drink soy lattes.”
When a reporter asked for specifics, the President responded: “Look, we’ve got the best numbers. Tim called me — personally — and said, ‘Sir, no one has ever made us invest $100 billion before. Not Obama. Not Sleepy Joe. Only you, Sir. You are the Jobs President, and I don’t mean Steve.’ That’s a direct quote.”
Apple, when reached for comment, released a brief statement reading,
“We are still trying to confirm whether this actually happened.”
The press conference ended when President Trump unveiled a prototype of the new
“iTrump Phone,” a gold-plated iPhone with a built-in Truth Social app and a ringtone that plays “God Bless the U.S.A.” on loop. He then walked off humming “YMCA” and pointing skyward.