Thank you Miss Scribe.
Maybe we should collaborate on a book, seeing how we agree in several areas
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Relationship advice on a Mac forum...
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Thank you Miss Scribe.
Maybe we should collaborate on a book, seeing how we agree in several areas
Thank you Miss Scribe.
Maybe we should collaborate on a book, seeing how we agree in several areas
Thank you. That would be an interesting tome, I think, one which would be cited in years to come.
Anyway, it is a source of some pleasure to me that I find others who agree with me on such matters.
Actually, there is a part of me that finds it ...inexplicable that I am responding to these kinds of pleas and problems on such threads. Quite seriously, I never thought to find myself doing this; political stuff, possibly, music and photography, books, inevitably, of course, but relationships?
Sometimes, when I reply to a thread of this kind, I find myself asking whether I have taken leave - entirely - from my senses. And - notwithstanding the lack of personal and private boundaries we (sometimes) find online, or the fierce joy in living one's life in the full glare of publicity that some of our younger contingent seem to exhibit - I am not entirely sure of what the answer to that question actually is ...
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At its core, this thread is about the human condition. I believe that that is what draws us to topics like this, that we would normally avoid, or at the very least answer inside ourselves, lest we expose our inner nakedness for all to see.
Our relationships are determinate of how far inside ourselves we are willing to travel in my opinion. And threads like these draw us like moths to a flame. We seek a kindred spirit from those who have felt the burning passion of love, as well as pain that its scars leave with us.
In many ways, a thread like this can be cathartic. We share what we have seen and felt. And that still small voice inside us whispers no matter what, never give up.
Relationship still going, but the path is foggy...
She will be in China this summer, I will have an internship here in the US.
Then in Fall semester I will not be at university with her as I am going to have an internship elsewhere.
Then in the spring semester when I return to university she will be studying abroad.
Then I graduate while she has another year.
I am worried. Anyone have advice on long distance? I worry that physically not being together begins to strain on both people and lose interest.
She will be in China this summer, I will have an internship here in the US.
Then in Fall semester I will not be at university with her as I am going to have an internship elsewhere.
Then in the spring semester when I return to university she will be studying abroad.
Then I graduate while she has another year.
I am worried. Anyone have advice on long distance? I worry that physically not being together begins to strain on both people and lose interest.
TSE, I say this with a sincere desire to give you an objective and well intentioned response. You are coming across as extremely self absorbed, selfish, and insecure. I get that you are trying to use this thread as both a means of getting feedback and a way to process your throughts and feelings. However, the only information you are giving us is "I feel this..., I worry about that..., She's acting this funny way... what does it mean?", etc. I think your recognition that you can be quite "needy" is a good self-revelation.
If you truly want to have a meaningful relationship you need to focus on understanding and meeting the needs of your partner. Lasting and joyful relationships occur when individuals put more effort into being the right person rather than overanalyzing and manipulating their partner into being who they want them to be. One of the things I routinely encourage those in relationships to do is "draw a circle around yourself and focus on the person in the circle". You can't change your partner and fighting with them over how you think they should meet your needs is a dead end. What do you need to address within yourself to be the best partner you can be? That is something you do have control over and something you can work to improve.
There is a big difference between having expectations, being reactionary, and being intentional. If you want your relationship to be a certain way then take the initiative to make it that way. Want things to be more open and honest, then you start by being transparent and geniune. Want things to be more loving, then you start by being more affectionate and encouraging. Want things to be stable and secure, then you start by routinely communicating your passion and committment to your partner. It's all about giving and serving, not taking and receiving.
If you will read back over this thread you will see where time and time again you have shared how you feel, but no where have you explained how she feels. Are you spending time listening to her? Do you understand her thoughts and feelings on the various concerns you have referenced in this thread? Maybe you are doing these things and just haven't posted them here, but if that's the case then know that you are leaving us with quite an incomplete picture of what is going on. From what you have posted thus far it would seem you are much more concerned with how you feel and whether your needs are being met. Is that how it is? Do you even know what she wants and needs from you in order to feel confident and satisfied in the relationship?
Relationships are generally the most challenging thing any of us will ever do in our lives. That being said, they are also one the most rewarding things and can be a source of immense joy and purpose.
If you truly want to have a meaningful relationship you need to focus on understanding and meeting the needs of your partner. Lasting and joyful relationships occur when individuals put more effort into being the right person rather than overanalyzing and manipulating their partner into being who they want them to be. One of the things I routinely encourage those in relationships to do is "draw a circle around yourself and focus on the person in the circle". You can't change your partner and fighting with them over how you think they should meet your needs is a dead end. What do you need to address within yourself to be the best partner you can be? That is something you do have control over and something you can work to improve.
There is a big difference between having expectations, being reactionary, and being intentional. If you want your relationship to be a certain way then take the initiative to make it that way. Want things to be more open and honest, then you start by being transparent and geniune. Want things to be more loving, then you start by being more affectionate and encouraging. Want things to be stable and secure, then you start by routinely communicating your passion and committment to your partner. It's all about giving and serving, not taking and receiving.
If you will read back over this thread you will see where time and time again you have shared how you feel, but no where have you explained how she feels. Are you spending time listening to her? Do you understand her thoughts and feelings on the various concerns you have referenced in this thread? Maybe you are doing these things and just haven't posted them here, but if that's the case then know that you are leaving us with quite an incomplete picture of what is going on. From what you have posted thus far it would seem you are much more concerned with how you feel and whether your needs are being met. Is that how it is? Do you even know what she wants and needs from you in order to feel confident and satisfied in the relationship?
Relationships are generally the most challenging thing any of us will ever do in our lives. That being said, they are also one the most rewarding things and can be a source of immense joy and purpose.
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Congratulations!
Its your first relationship, so its normal for you to be unsure about everything. Just experience and have fun! Its weird that she hasnt accepted your facebook request, but maybe she isnt ready to tell everyone. Maybe you need to confront her about it, and ask her why she isnt accepting it. If you think she is embarrassed that she is dating you, then you deserve someone better. Its also no biggie that she hasn't told her parents about you yet. I do not tell my parents unless I am definitely sure that I love the person that I am dating. Quick question, if she is in China, is this a long distant relationship? I know that some long distant relationships last long, but most of it dont last long, especially if you are in your early 20's. I want to say HAVE FUN, but at the same time, be careful.
Its your first relationship, so its normal for you to be unsure about everything. Just experience and have fun! Its weird that she hasnt accepted your facebook request, but maybe she isnt ready to tell everyone. Maybe you need to confront her about it, and ask her why she isnt accepting it. If you think she is embarrassed that she is dating you, then you deserve someone better. Its also no biggie that she hasn't told her parents about you yet. I do not tell my parents unless I am definitely sure that I love the person that I am dating. Quick question, if she is in China, is this a long distant relationship? I know that some long distant relationships last long, but most of it dont last long, especially if you are in your early 20's. I want to say HAVE FUN, but at the same time, be careful.
I've really worked on my self esteem with some books, finding new hobbies, and getting involved through my internship. It has really shown and I am more comfortable than I was before. However, I just want some opinions:
We have been long distance this summer, so almost three months.
She took a drawing class over the summer, and these two TAs she told me started hitting on her, and they became very good friends. These guys are very attractive and in very good shape (not that I'm not). She has spent a lot of time with them, almost daily it seems, and she has gone out for drinks with them and hung out with one of them on their own a couple times.
Is being worried about this situation still a sign I need to work on my self esteem more and I'm not fully secure with myself? Or is this normal?
We have been long distance this summer, so almost three months.
She took a drawing class over the summer, and these two TAs she told me started hitting on her, and they became very good friends. These guys are very attractive and in very good shape (not that I'm not). She has spent a lot of time with them, almost daily it seems, and she has gone out for drinks with them and hung out with one of them on their own a couple times.
Is being worried about this situation still a sign I need to work on my self esteem more and I'm not fully secure with myself? Or is this normal?
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OP: I suggest that you read @mscriv's post again, and then re-read it and re-read it. There is a lot of very good advice in it, advice that is well worth heeding.
Why are you worried about this situation? Why shouldn't she go out for drinks with them? Classes socialise together when they work together, and those sort of classes can be very intense bonding experiences - remember , they will be bonding over a common interest in the topic they are studying; then, when the class is over, more than likely, they will say goodbye, and they will part ways and may not meet again for a decade or two, although they may stay in touch by means of online media.
Are you still so needy and insecure that the relationship is still all about your needs? That your moods, emotions, jealousies and insecurities rule how you communicate with her? That this is the fulcrum around which everything else revolves? Does she have to spend all her time reassuring you that your fears are baseless?
As @mscriv has pointed out, every single one of your posts above - and I re-read the thread in its entirety this morning - is about you, your insecurities, your needs, your fears. Not once is she mentioned except when she fails to validate the relationship on FB, you suspect that she may be straying, you admit to trust issues, you worry about her commitment. It is all about you. After all of these posts, nowhere are her thoughts or feelings communicated.
Look, she chose to be with you. Indeed, she has chosen to remain with you for a while. For now, you are the person she decided to stay with. So, why not make yourself the kind of person that she will continue to wish to stay with? An intelligent, supportive, mature, guy who is immensely proud that his partner is an accomplished and talented individual in so many different fields.
And that means stop the needy, self-obsessed possessive stuff, and take a long hard look at yourself.
My recommendation: tell her to enjoy her course, say that you envy her the fantastic opportunity and that you are dying to see the work she does on the course after she has finished it.
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You are completely right. mscriv's post is very helpful and reminded me what I need to focus on, really brilliant post by both of you.
Well, my gut feeling was correct.
She was hiding and lying to me about hanging out with a guy friend she has from her class at her internship 3 hours away this spring. They had dinner alone at her place with drinks, and told me she never hugged or kissed him or anything, she just has things that she can't tell me.
I know deep down in my heart that she was doing the same thing when I was having panic attacks and freaking out last summer. It was more than trust issue, my heart deep down knew it.
I haven't talked to her since I found out and she initially even lied in her "apology" face to face. I am going to wait and get my thoughts sorted out and see where it goes from here.
In a weird way it's a relief because the issues from last summer were still lingering around, and in the back of my mind it was still there.
She was hiding and lying to me about hanging out with a guy friend she has from her class at her internship 3 hours away this spring. They had dinner alone at her place with drinks, and told me she never hugged or kissed him or anything, she just has things that she can't tell me.
I know deep down in my heart that she was doing the same thing when I was having panic attacks and freaking out last summer. It was more than trust issue, my heart deep down knew it.
I haven't talked to her since I found out and she initially even lied in her "apology" face to face. I am going to wait and get my thoughts sorted out and see where it goes from here.
In a weird way it's a relief because the issues from last summer were still lingering around, and in the back of my mind it was still there.
Sorry to hear that.
The fact is long distance relationships rarely work out on young people with poorly formed relationships.
You should keep in mind trust is a two way street. If you don't trust your partner, they're not going to like it, especially if they are being faithful. That right there will poison a relationship. One of my friends is so insecure in his relationships he drives away the girl time and time again. He creates a self fulfilling prophecy every time.
Onward and upward buddy. She doesn't sound like the one for you.
I re-read the thread in its entirety before replying to you.
There are a number of separate issues here, and you need to disentangle them from one another. These are to do with the relationship, and the separate - but related - issues to do with yourself.
The first is that the relationship is probably well over, and the second - from which the first arose - is that it has probably been well over for quite some time.
I think it is fairly lear that this lady is not the person for you. I also think that she may have come to that conclusion quite some time ago, and wished to slowly disengage, and then, perhaps bring it to an end. However, I also think it may have taken her some time to arrive at this conclusion, and some more time before she chose to act on it.
But - and this is a major but - I also think that you have issues that you are going to need to take a long, cold, hard look at before embarking upon another relationship, or that, too, will be torpedoed by your needs and unresolved issues.
Issues, of trust, and neediness, as @A.Goldberg has already pointed out. Seriously, unless you take steps to address them, any other relationship you have will end the same way.
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I'm so sorry to hear about that. Nothing feels worse than being betrayed by someone you have feelings for.
If you choose to move on, I'm hoping you don't forget what you've read here, especially the things that Scepticalscribe wrote. The easy thing to do would be to let this situation fortify your feelings of insecurity and emotional neediness, but I would encourage you to continue to work through those problems and make sure that you're the best version of "you" for your next courtship.
Don't make your future girlfriend/fiancé/wife pay for the pain you're suffering now. Build solid relationships with guys you trust (particularly older ones) so you can get some wisdom from guys who've been in your shoes. And please continue to read, read, read to build yourself up. You can't do anything about what she did, but you can definitely learn from what you did or did not do.
EDIT: Also, I hope you don't feel like people on this thread are ganging up on you. There is a ton of helpful advice that I wish I had heard when I was your age. And I'll tell you the truth, for a young 20-something, you seem extremely intelligent and introspective. That's HUGE, and it will serve you well, just don't forget to step outside of your own head every once in a while
Blessings my friend.
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We talked last night, and it was a tough tough talk.
I realized a couple things:
1. The reason I couldn't trust her was because I can't trust myself. I lie regularly to people and am addicted to it. Even "white" lies. Also, while not particularly cheating on her, I do things that would make me uncomfortable if she did them. It's weird, but my mind almost tricked itself into thinking what I was doing was okay and normal, but deep down in my heart I knew what I was doing was wrong. I did these things, and one of my excuses was "she is probably doing it too", but this only created distrust in myself.
2. She acknowledged what she did was wrong and she felt bad. I didn't feel she was sorry until last night. She told me she didn't want to hurt my feelings so she didn't tell me, and she hasn't always been honest about things either.
I realize a lot of this is my fault and I really kinda feel bad, but it's weird that it's a relief that I can finally look to focus on myself, learn that telling lies even white lies is bad, and I've come clean with everything I've done. We aren't broken up, we decided it's worth picking up the pieces and seeing what happens from here.
I realized a couple things:
1. The reason I couldn't trust her was because I can't trust myself. I lie regularly to people and am addicted to it. Even "white" lies. Also, while not particularly cheating on her, I do things that would make me uncomfortable if she did them. It's weird, but my mind almost tricked itself into thinking what I was doing was okay and normal, but deep down in my heart I knew what I was doing was wrong. I did these things, and one of my excuses was "she is probably doing it too", but this only created distrust in myself.
2. She acknowledged what she did was wrong and she felt bad. I didn't feel she was sorry until last night. She told me she didn't want to hurt my feelings so she didn't tell me, and she hasn't always been honest about things either.
I realize a lot of this is my fault and I really kinda feel bad, but it's weird that it's a relief that I can finally look to focus on myself, learn that telling lies even white lies is bad, and I've come clean with everything I've done. We aren't broken up, we decided it's worth picking up the pieces and seeing what happens from here.
Yes, I told her about my dishonesty. I told her everything I ever lied about... my use of pornography, how I wouldn't necessarily try to flirt with girls when I went out but would "let it happen" (the same exact thing, just an excuse in my head), and so on and so fourth. Everything.
I didn't excuse what she did, though, and I felt she is genuinely sorry, and it feels good to have a clean slate and work towards being better for not just myself but her too. It's going to take effort and time and by no means is this going to be an easy ride, but I think in the end it will be a positive experience.
I didn't excuse what she did, though, and I felt she is genuinely sorry, and it feels good to have a clean slate and work towards being better for not just myself but her too. It's going to take effort and time and by no means is this going to be an easy ride, but I think in the end it will be a positive experience.
That's fantastic! It sounds like you're on the right track and I'm so glad you've both chosen to forgive and continue to work at the relationship.
I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but sometimes it's events like these that move a relationship to the next level of trust and emotional intimacy. Good luck and keep us updated!