Relationship advice on a Mac forum...

[lunaoso]

Hey guys.

Still dating her, but just a quick inquiry.

So she went back to china for the summer, I went to Italy, and it's been three months.

The first two months or so we talked often, messaging back and forth, we skyped maybe once every couple weeks.

The past month or so, she hasn't been talkative at all. It's always me initiating the conversation, and even then she doesn't talk much. I asked her about it a week or two ago and she said she was really busy with her internship and that's why. Well her internships been done for a couple weeks and she still doesn't talk. She doesn't say I love you ever like she used to, doesn't seem happy when she talks to me, just normal conversation. Which is weird, because we skyped about a week ago and she was happy as ever.

Am I just being stupid? Is this something I need to talk to her about since we are going to have more long periods of time where we won't see each other?

I mean, I understand being busy, but I just got done with a 24 credit semester in the spring, and there were times when I was running on no sleep and still tried to make an effort to get to her house just to hang out with her and such.

I've noticed from this relationship I'm way more needy than I thought I was, is that what is going on here? i'm picking her up from the airport on friday.

I think just talking to her about what you've been feeling would be the best thing to do. Just don't be confrontational about it or assign blame. Something like just asking "How are you doing?" would be good to see if she opens up about any problem she's having. If she doesn't, maybe you could just sit down with her and ask if anything is wrong. An open relationship will last much longer than one of second guessing and lying. Maybe someone else can pipe in and suggest anything I've overlooked. Good luck!

 

[maflynn]

I've noticed from this relationship I'm way more needy than I thought I was, is that what is going on here? i'm picking her up from the airport on friday.

Give her some space. You're noticed a character trait that might need to be refined a bit so you don't crowd her. Once you have some space, ask her about the relationship, what does she think.

 

[RenoG]

Am I an idiot if I think it's a big deal if the girl hasnt accepted our relationship on facebook?

Woooow has social media really become a legitimate element in real life relationships now?

Dating in these modern time has really gotten pathetically annoying.
You just kicked my hatered for FB up a few notches....

 

[roadbloc]

Give her some space. You're noticed a character trait that might need to be refined a bit so you don't crowd her. Once you have some space, ask her about the relationship, what does she think.

This is quality advice OP.

 

[Tsuchiya]

You're acting like a child. Relying on Facebook confirmation for relationship status? Give me a break. Grow up. Act like an adult. You can be sent to war to kill people. Act like it!

LOL

Totally stealing the this.

 

[satcomer]

I surprised no one linked to this video:

 

[TSE]

Yeah, yeah, yeah... Haha I'm a little socially awkward, not always in the loop of normal social queues, and not always thinking clearly.

Thanks for the help thus far guys. Picking her up tomorrow.

 

[Huntn]

Alright guys.

20 years old now. First real relationship for about 3 weeks. It's to a girl from China that was one of my best friends since I've been going to college for 2.5 years.

Am I an idiot if I think it's a big deal if the girl hasnt accepted our relationship on facebook?

And one night we were pillow talking and I asked her if her parents knew and she gave a really kinda weak answer that didn't sound truthful.

Am I being an overanalyzing *******? Let me know!

Three weeks and she has not accepted your Facebook friend invite? If correct, DUMP HER!!!

Lol, maybe 3 weeks is not enough to invite you into her space where you can see everything, and all of her friends and family are there. It's possible you'll need more relationship advancement to gain that honor. I'm glad I never had to worry about Facebook when I was dating.

 

[Truefan31]

Go ahead and move on. You're young and there's 3 billion women in the world. You'll be happy sooner than later

 

[TSE]

Guys, relationship still going!

One thing.

How do you erase the fear of her cheating? She has never really given me any signs of her cheating except for occasionally when hanging out she will talk about her best friend whose a guy who she has known since grade school quite a bit... My only response to this is small talk about him with her, but sometimes she'll just continue.

I'm assuming she wouldn't cheat on me with him if she's so open about him?

 

[Truefan31]

Guys, relationship still going!



One thing.



How do you erase the fear of her cheating? She has never really given me any signs of her cheating except for occasionally when hanging out she will talk about her best friend whose a guy who she has known since grade school quite a bit... My only response to this is small talk about him with her, but sometimes she'll just continue.



I'm assuming she wouldn't cheat on me with him if she's so open about him?

Nope that's not what it means.

What is giving u the fear? Do u get jealous easy? Either u do or she's giving u a reason.

Can't stress this enough. Being in your early twenties means you meet a lot of different people and honestly a real relationship is hard because of this. Social networking and technology makes it even easier. And as time goes you and others will change.

Not to be harsh but if you're not getting exactly what u want you should move on.

 

[Apple_Robert]

Guys, relationship still going!

One thing.

How do you erase the fear of her cheating? She has never really given me any signs of her cheating except for occasionally when hanging out she will talk about her best friend whose a guy who she has known since grade school quite a bit... My only response to this is small talk about him with her, but sometimes she'll just continue.

I'm assuming she wouldn't cheat on me with him if she's so open about him?

Instead of turning the spotlight on her, you need to shine it on your lack of trust in her. Just because a woman has a guy as a best friend and talks about him, that doesn't mean she is cheating or would cheat on you.

You have some insecurity and self-esteem issues you need to resolve. If not, they will continue to plague you in this relationship as well as any others you may have. And that won't turn out well for you if that happens. Best to address it early on.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Hey guys.

Still dating her, but just a quick inquiry.

So she went back to china for the summer, I went to Italy, and it's been three months.

The first two months or so we talked often, messaging back and forth, we skyped maybe once every couple weeks.

The past month or so, she hasn't been talkative at all. …………...

Am I just being stupid? Is this something I need to talk to her about since we are going to have more long periods of time where we won't see each other?

I mean, I understand being busy, but I just got done with a 24 credit semester in the spring, and there were times when I was running on no sleep and still tried to make an effort to get to her house just to hang out with her and such.

I've noticed from this relationship I'm way more needy than I thought I was, is that what is going on here? i'm picking her up from the airport on friday.

Guys, relationship still going!

One thing.

How do you erase the fear of her cheating? She has never really given me any signs of her cheating except for occasionally when hanging out she will talk about her best friend whose a guy who she has known since grade school quite a bit... My only response to this is small talk about him with her, but sometimes she'll just continue.

I'm assuming she wouldn't cheat on me with him if she's so open about him?

OP, there are a few warning signs here, and - to my mind - they come from you, rather than her.

You have written that you 'are way more needy' than you had thought, and in a subsequent post, you write of 'the fear of her cheating'.

Someone who is needy, and possessive, and jealous, will drive the other person away, or, at the very least, cause them to give pause to the relationship, which may be an explanation for the increasing distance you wrote you thought you were experiencing earlier. Trust, mutual respect, and personal space - matter in relationships. I suspect that you may need to examine your own attitudes to some of these issues, before projecting them on to her.

And, writing as a woman who has more close male friends than close female friends, this does not mean that she is cheating on you or would cheat on you.

Instead of turning the spotlight on her, you need to shine it on your lack of trust in her. Just because a woman has a guy as a best friend and talks about him, that doesn't mean she is cheating or would cheat on you.

You have some insecurity and self-esteem issues you need to resolve. If not, they will continue to plague you in this relationship as well as any others you may have. And that won't turn out well for you if that happens. Best to address it early on.

Excellent post with some excellent advice, well worth heeding.

 

[TSE]

Ok, so this is related to that guy friend she has.

I asked her about three weeks ago if she wanted to go on a trip to Japan for spring break. She said yes. I booked my ticket immediately, and let her get time to get her visa.

Well it's been three weeks, and she still hasn't done much to get it. She said has made little to no attempt in getting it, and she said she wants to go to California for spring break if she can't go to Japan to visit this guy best friend she has.

In addition, I don't even know why she told me this, it was kind of randomly said by her, but yesterday she said she bought this guy $30 chocolate mailed to his door.

I haven't voiced my concerns despite what my gut feeling has said because my brain is telling me I'm being too self conscious about myself, but I'm going to talk to her tomorrow... Say she doesn't go to Japan with me, but ends up going to California despite me telling her it makes her feel uncomfortable of her visiting another guy, is it time to be done with it?

 

[ravenvii]

NEXT her.

If she's very hot, get in one last lay beforehand. But either way, NEXT.

$30 chocolate by mail to another guy? Unless it's a childhood friend (and you REALLY trust her) or he's gay... Nope.

 

[TSE]

NEXT her.

If she's very hot, get in one last lay beforehand. But either way, NEXT.

$30 chocolate by mail to another guy? Unless it's a childhood friend (and you REALLY trust her) or he's gay... Nope.

It is a childhood friend. But I'll be honest, my trust level is really low.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Ok, so this is related to that guy friend she has.

I asked her about three weeks ago if she wanted to go on a trip to Japan for spring break. She said yes. I booked my ticket immediately, and let her get time to get her visa.

Well it's been three weeks, and she still hasn't done much to get it. She said has made little to no attempt in getting it, and she said she wants to go to California for spring break if she can't go to Japan to visit this guy best friend she has.

In addition, I don't even know why she told me this, it was kind of randomly said by her, but yesterday she said she bought this guy $30 chocolate mailed to his door.

I haven't voiced my concerns despite what my gut feeling has said because my brain is telling me I'm being too self conscious about myself, but I'm going to talk to her tomorrow... Say she doesn't go to Japan with me, but ends up going to California despite me telling her it makes her feel uncomfortable of her visiting another guy, is it time to be done with it?

It is a childhood friend. But I'll be honest, my trust level is really low.

Okay.

As this is a forum dedicated to all things Apple and many related tech matters, I think we can reasonably assume that most of the membership and the vast majority of the posters are male. I suspect that much of the advice you may receive will fall into the 'dump her, there are many fish in the sea' etc., while there are a thoughtful few who may suggest that you take a long, hard look at yourself and the attitudes you are expressing here, which must, at the very least, spill over into the relationship.

Thus far, you have written that you 'are way more needy than you thought', and, although the relationship seemed to be going well, on this thread, you wondered aloud about your fear of her cheating (thus, jealousy and possessiveness along with lack of trust may also be a feature of how you present in this relationship). Now, on top of that, you add that 'your trust level is really low'.

Actually, as BasicGreatGuy has already observed, - and I agree with him - you strike me as having some insecurity and self-esteem issues. Add to this issues such as lack of trust, neediness, and what I suspect may be issues of jealousy and possessiveness, and I will say that you run the risk of driving her - or anyone - away, until you address this stuff in yourself.

Personally, I wouldn't put up with a needy, possessive, untrusting partner. Life is too short to have to - in your free time, which is when you should be enjoying yourself some of the time, especially if you are working the rest of the time - to have to spend endless amounts of time trying to read and anticipate the emotions and moods of your partner, while also attempting to offer reassurance, and/or satisfy the inadequacies and emotional needs of someone who is busily conjuring up scenarios whereby their partner transforms - or is transformed - into an unfaithful partner.

As a woman with close male friends, I'll tell you what I would be doing in her shoes. As men are the best guide to how men think, I would be sitting down with one of my close male friends, - not over chocolate, but probably over wine or beer, and seeking advice on the topic of my relationship while discussing my partner's issues of trust, neediness, possessiveness, and possible fears of my straying.

Now, the fact that I am not probably guilty of straying is neither here nor there; this is because - most likely - I am getting very fed up of trying to reassure someone who is endlessly needy and untrusting.

What I am saying to you is that, from her perspective, it is possible that this relationship is no longer fun. And it should not be all about her need to endlessly reassure you, whereby your neediness is the fulcrum around which everything else orbits or rotates.

And, in this context, the very person I would choose to do this with would be a close male friend from my childhood - someone who knew me growing up, someone who would be unhesitatingly on my side in such a discussion, someone who knows the mutual social culture of myself and my increasingly estranged partner, someone could give me objective but sympathetic advice but - and this is key - who would give me the male perspective sympathetically.

For what it is worth, I have such a male friend; a guy whom I have known since he was four years of age, and I was a year or so older. We meet a few times a year - invariably when I am home - in a pub, for a few beers or a bottle of wine and have serious and very deep discussions, where we give each other support, advice and suggestions. We share triumphs, and discuss disasters, pretty openly.

In conclusion, while I actually doubt that she is straying, - although, obviously, I have no way of knowing this for certain, I do think it quite possible that she may be seeking to end the relationship.

 

[ravenvii]

As men are the best guide to how men think, I would be sitting down with one of my close male friends, - not over chocolate, but probably over wine or beer, and seeking advice on the topic of my relationship while discussing my partner's issues of trust, neediness, possessiveness, and possible fears of my straying.

Even then, you admit that the $30 chocolate is a little odd.

Over a beer (wine is a bit odd, but I must remember that you're European, where views on wine is a bit different from America) is perfectly fine, however.

(And I haven't even touched the worst offense of them all -- wanting to go to California over going to Japan?!)

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Even then, you admit that the $30 chocolate is a little odd.

Over a beer (wine is a bit odd, but I must remember that you're European, where views on wine is a bit different from America) is perfectly fine, however.

(And I haven't even touched the worst offense of them all -- wanting to go to California over going to Japan?!)

No, not really.

Now, I'll grant that I don't know anyone from China, or from a Chinese culture, well enough to know what the gift-giving traditions are in that country and culture. I don't know what is valued, what it is considered appropriate to give, and what differences - if any - exist between male gift-givers and female gift-givers.

However, I have worked in quite a few Asian countries, where traditions - of gift-giving, and, indeed, of relationships vary considerably, and may be subject to ongoing changes, especially when someone from such a culture also lives - or studies, or works - in the west, and may also be influenced by traditions which emanate from the west, in how they conduct their lives.

Women in such a culture may not necessarily choose to give alcoholic beverages, or bottles of wine/cognac/whiskey/vodka - which is what (most) Europeans would give, and may choose to offer chocolate instead.

For what it is worth, I have given gifts of chocolate, coffee, tea, wine, cognac, whiskey, (some of them very smooth and serious whiskies and cognacs) saffron, a (very specific) Zippo cigarette lighter, wine glasses, very specific mugs, French Coffee Presses, books, and so on, to friends, both male and female over the past few years.

No, I don't think $30 on chocolate is particularly odd; I have given a bottle of cognac (which cost) well over €100 to a male friend - who was a good friend - as a gift last year.

Re preferring to go to California to visit an old friend, rather than Japan , with her boyfriend, I will say that I am not optimistic about the future of this relationship.

The OP had written that this is his first relationship; it may well be hers, too. If that is the case, the OP would do well to bear in mind that some people from Asian backgrounds may approach such matters with reserve and much deliberation. Moreover, it may be possible that her family are not hugely enthusiastic about the relationship, and many not regret the fact that it is deteriorating. Furthermore, I think that it is also possible that she is seeking advice, - from her old male friend, and others, such as female friends, - (as her family may be uniformly negative).

However, I have little doubt that she is also seeking to distance herself from the OP.

 

[aaronvan]

Ok, so this is related to that guy friend she has.

She said has made little to no attempt in getting it, and she said she wants to go to California for spring break if she can't go to Japan to visit this guy best friend she has.

...yesterday she said she bought this guy $30 chocolate mailed to his door.

...is it time to be done with it?

Rhetorical question?

 

[TSE]

No, not really.

Now, I'll grant that I don't know anyone from China, or from a Chinese culture, well enough to know what the gift-giving traditions are in that country and culture. I don't know what is valued, what it is considered appropriate to give, and what differences - if any - exist between male gift-givers and female gift-givers.

Now, I have worked in quite a few Asian countries, where traditions - of gift-giving, and, indeed, of relationships vary considerably, and may be subject to ongoing changes, especially when someone from such a culture also lives - or studies, or works - in the west, and may also be influenced by traditions which emanate from the west, in how they conduct their lives.

Women in such a culture may not necessarily choose to give alcoholic beverages, or bottles of wine/cognac/whiskey/vodka - which is what (most) Europeans would give, and may choose to offer chocolate instead.

For what it is worth, I have given gifts of chocolate, coffee, tea, wine, cognac, whiskey, (some of them very smooth and serious whiskies and cognacs) saffron, a (very specific) Zippo cigarette lighter, wine glasses, very specific mugs, French Coffee Presses, books, and so on, to friends, both male and female over the past few years.

No, I don't think $30 on chocolate is particularly odd; I have given a bottle of cognac (which cost) well over €100 to a male friend - who was a good friend - as a gift last year.

Re preferring to go to California to visit an old friend, rather than Japan , with her boyfriend, I will say that I am not optimistic about the future of this relationship.

The OP had written that this is his first relationship; it may well be hers, too. If that is the case, the OP would do well to bear in mind that some people from Asian backgrounds may approach such matters with reserve and much deliberation. Moreover, it may be possible that her family are not hugely enthusiastic about the relationship, and many not regret the fact that it is deteriorating. Furthermore, I think that it is also possible that she is seeking advice, - from her old male friend, and others, such as female friends, - (as her family may be uniformly negative).

However, I have little doubt that she is also seeking to distance herself from the OP.

I haven't ever brought up any issues of cheating or untrustworthiness to her at all, though. Because I know I am unnecessarily needy and such. Even if I'm feeling something, like doubt, I keep it to myself because I ask myself if this is an actual problem or because of my confidence issue. Almost every time I tell myself it's my confidence issue so keep it to myself, until this.

 

[rei101]

Alright guys.

20 years old now. First real relationship for about 3 weeks. It's to a girl from China that was one of my best friends since I've been going to college for 2.5 years.

Am I an idiot if I think it's a big deal if the girl hasnt accepted our relationship on facebook?

And one night we were pillow talking and I asked her if her parents knew and she gave a really kinda weak answer that didn't sound truthful.

Am I being an overanalyzing *******? Let me know!

Get alid with her as much as you can/want and let her go. You are just 20.

When I was your ages I was getting crazy about girls until in my 30's I realized there was no future, then I started to be worry less and had a blast. Until you do not have your actual independence and actual foundations to develop a committed relationship do not even bother. I am 39 and I know what I am talking about.

I wish I knew this when I was a kid, I lost so many opportunities with some amazing girls just because I wanted to get "serious". Nah! they will drop you any way for the same reasons. For a guy with a better car, for a guy that goes clubbing, they are kids as well. No dramas, just be fun to be with. You are going to meet them again later on in life, but in your 20's... do not even bother!

 

[Scepticalscribe]

I haven't ever brought up any issues of cheating or untrustworthiness to her at all, though. Because I know I am unnecessarily needy and such. Even if I'm feeling something, like doubt, I keep it to myself because I ask myself if this is an actual problem or because of my confidence issue. Almost every time I tell myself it's my confidence issue so keep it to myself, until this.

Fair enough.

However, I suspect that she may have a fair idea of what you are thinking and feeling; are you the sort of guy that fires text after text (or email after email) when the first one to her hasn't been answered fairly swiftly? When you do talk, do you feel the need to have her reassure you of her devotion to you and to the relationship?

Guys who are advising you to 1) dump her, as 'there are other fish', and 2) reminding you that at twenty you should be partying rather than 'getting serious', and 3) suggesting that she might be seeking someone with better resources - 'a bigger car' and so on, are possibly missing the point here.

I think you are one of those rather intense young men who takes himself and his relationships very seriously; if that is the case, it will be very hard for you to walk away, and harder still to accept that this relationship may have a rather limited future.

Firstly, I would suggest that you take a long, hard look at yourself and your issues of neediness, insecurity, and lack of trust. Even if they play a supporting role in helping to torpedo this relationship, if you fail to address them, they will poison future relationships as well.

Think about your posts on this thread alone, and think about the tone and the content of these posts; while you say you try not to sound needy to her, you have posted about fearing that she may be unfaithful, worrying about the fact that she did not choose to validate your relationship by making it public on FB, describing your neediness, admitting your lack of trust………do you seriously think she has not picked any of this up?

Secondly, you may need to think about what the effect of being back with her parents in China has had on your girlfriend's perspective, with regard to her life and with regard to her relationship. To be candid, I think you have given the possible impact of this aspect of the matter insufficient consideration.

While I don't know many Chinese, I do know quite a number of people of central and south Asian extraction, and not one of them would be comfortable in persisting with a relationship their parents were unhappy with. Family ties are very close in most of Asia, especially the further east (and south) you go; parental opinions are taken very seriously. At the end of the day, the relationship might survive, but not without costs of an emotional and psychological nature for your girlfriend.

This means that if she were to stick with you, it would want to be for very good reasons indeed; you would have to give her exceedingly good reasons to want or wish to remain with you - and by that, I don't mean a bigger car or better prospects: I mean someone who will not insist on their moods and emotional wellbeing being the fulcrum around which the relationship turns.

It could be that your partner would prefer not to have demands made on her by either her parents - and they will have expectations - or you.

For what it is worth, (and obviously, I cannot say this with any certainty), but I don't think she is necessarily unfaithful, and nor do I think that she necessarily wants to trade up to a guy with 'a bigger car or better assets'. However, I do think that she probably wants some space. And distance. And to have fewer people making demands on her.

 

[Apple_Robert]

Ok, so this is related to that guy friend she has.

I asked her about three weeks ago if she wanted to go on a trip to Japan for spring break. She said yes. I booked my ticket immediately, and let her get time to get her visa.

Well it's been three weeks, and she still hasn't done much to get it. She said has made little to no attempt in getting it, and she said she wants to go to California for spring break if she can't go to Japan to visit this guy best friend she has.

In addition, I don't even know why she told me this, it was kind of randomly said by her, but yesterday she said she bought this guy $30 chocolate mailed to his door.

I haven't voiced my concerns despite what my gut feeling has said because my brain is telling me I'm being too self conscious about myself, but I'm going to talk to her tomorrow... Say she doesn't go to Japan with me, but ends up going to California despite me telling her it makes her feel uncomfortable of her visiting another guy, is it time to be done with it?

If you can, get a refund on your ticket.

The girl you have had some kind of relationship with is telling you (through her actions) that she has already left the relationship.

A lady who is truly interested in you, is going to make a real effort to let you know that through word and deed. If the words and actions aren't in unison, there is a problem.

I agree with a lot that Scribe said. If the relationship, (whatever it may be) has ceased being fun or creates undo burden on a person, said person will start to distance him or herself from the relationship. And in my opinion, your lady friend has moving farther away from you.

After reading more of the thread...

1) I think you are coming across as too intense and needy for her. There may be cultural / family dynamics in play that you are not fully cognizant of, as Scribe mentioned. She may not be looking for what you are at this point in time. If she is, it doesn't appear to be with you.

2) I think she is trying to spare your feelings, by giving you obvious hints (through her inaction and things she has said).

3) When building a relationship with someone, it is exciting on many levels, to pursue the lady or man (as the case may be). However, if you have been doing all (or most of) the pursuing, that should be a red flag to you. Once a lady gets to know you and feels comfortable with you, she will let her guard down and make sure you know what is on her mind and heart, without you feeling you need to ask her all the time. I get the strong impression that things have been very one-sided between you too.

4) I think you need to get a refund on your ticket and give her some room to breathe. If she wants or needs to talk with you about how things have been going between you two, she will make the effort. If she doesn't have the kind of talk with you that you are looking for, I think you need to accept what she has already been telling you in deed, as her talk in not so many words.

5) As tough as it may be for you, leave her be. Focus on your school work. And who knows, there may be a lady just on the horizon, that will show you, that relationships shouldn't be as hard as so many people make them.

Remember the following and it may help you...

1) Relationships (whether family, friends, or romantic) do not make us who we are (at least they shouldn't). Relationships are supposed to enhance who we already are a a person (in a good way). And if the relationships one has are not actively doing this, that should be a big red flag that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.

Too many people look to relationships for self-identity. And in my opinion, that is not healthy for anyone.

2) Relationships (in any form) take time to grow and mature. And in my opinion, too many people look to become lovers first, instead of taking the time to become friends, and build a strong foundation.

The best relationships I have ever had, were the ones where I was good friends with a lady first. It isn't always easy to keep your physical attraction in check at times. However, going the extra mile is the difference between making love to a lady or just having sex with someone you are attracted to. Anyone can do the latter. Not many are willing to go the extra mile that the former requires.

3) Use this experience to grow as an individual. Admit your shortcomings when it comes to relationships, and work on them.

4) If you want a great relationship with a lady, do your best to be that kind of person (before the relationship even starts). In other words, be the kind of love that you want in your life. Do that, and ladies will take note. And those who are of the same mind and heart will reach out and meet you half way.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

If you can, get a refund on your ticket.

The girl you have had some kind of relationship with is telling you (through her actions) that she has already left the relationship.

A lady who is truly interested in you, is going to make a real effort to let you know that through word and deed. If the words and actions aren't in unison, there is a problem.

I agree with a lot that Scribe said. If the relationship, (whatever it may be) has ceased being fun or creates undo burden on a person, said person will start to distance him or herself from the relationship. And in my opinion, your lady friend has moving farther away from you.

After reading more of the thread...

1) I think you are coming across as too intense and needy for her. There may be cultural / family dynamics in play that you are not fully cognizant of, as Scribe mentioned. She may not be looking for what you are at this point in time. If she is, it doesn't appear to be with you.

2) I think she is trying to spare your feelings, by giving you obvious hints (through her inaction and things she has said).

3) When building a relationship with someone, it is exciting on many levels, to pursue the lady or man (as the case may be). However, if you have been doing all (or most of) the pursuing, that should be a red flag to you. Once a lady gets to know you and feels comfortable with you, she will let her guard down and make sure you know what is on her mind and heart, without you feeling you need to ask her all the time. I get the strong impression that things have been very one-sided between you too.

4) I think you need to get a refund on your ticket and give her some room to breathe. If she wants or needs to talk with you about how things have been going between you two, she will make the effort. If she doesn't have the kind of talk with you that you are looking for, I think you need to accept what she has already been telling you in deed, as her talk in not so many words.

5) As tough as it may be for you, leave her be. Focus on your school work. And who knows, there may be a lady just on the horizon, that will show you, that relationships shouldn't be as hard as so many people make them.

Remember the following and it may help you...

1) Relationships (whether family, friends, or romantic) do not make us who we are (at least they shouldn't). Relationships are supposed to enhance who we already are a a person (in a good way). And if the relationships one has are not actively doing this, that should be a big red flag that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.

Too many people look to relationships for self-identity. And in my opinion, that is not healthy for anyone.

2) Relationships (in any form) take time to grow and mature. And in my opinion, too many people look to become lovers first, instead of taking the time to become friends, and build a strong foundation.

The best relationships I have ever had, were the ones where I was good friends with a lady first. It isn't always easy to keep your physical attraction in check at times. However, going the extra mile is the difference between making love to a lady or just having sex with someone you are attracted to. Anyone can do the latter. Not many are willing to go the extra mile that the former requires.

3) Use this experience to grow as an individual. Admit your shortcomings when it comes to relationships, and work on them.

4) If you want a great relationship with a lady, do your best to be that kind of person (before the relationship even starts). In other words, be the kind of love that you want in your life. Do that, and ladies will take note. And those who are of the same mind and heart will reach out and meet you half way.

Terrific post, full of excellent advice. Well worth heeding, OP.

And, for what it is worth, I am in complete agreement with BasicGreatGuy on the importance of being good friends before (or, as well as) being anything else. A relationship where friendship is the foundation has strong roots, roots built on mutual affection, liking (sometimes, laughter) and respect, (which is key, because that implies trust and the recognition of personal space) as well as love (and lust). This is by far the best way to go if you want a lasting relationship, and, speaking personally, I would tolerate nothing less.