So I like this guy, but........

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by todd2000, Dec 16, 2010.

  1. todd2000, Dec 16, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2010

    todd2000 macrumors 68000

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2005
    Location:
    Danville, VA
    #1
    Let me just start by saying Im Gay, and Im 28 :)

    So I've been hanging out at a particular bar for a while now (about 3 years), I don't drink, but I go there to play pool, and listen to music and just hang out. I've made some friends there over the years, but their really just "bar" friends, meaning we really only hang out at the bar. So anyway one of these friends, who I've know for about a year I have always kinda had feelings for. So a few weeks ago I gave him a ride home, and he asked me if I wanted to come in. We hung out for a while, watched some TV, and talked. He hinted at wanting to do more, but nothing happened. I didn't leave till like 5:30AM :) So then about a week before Thanksgiving we were hanging out at the usual bar, and he wanted to go to another club which I had never been too, so I said sure. We left about 2AM and went back to his place. We started talking and he started asking about my preferences when getting intimate if you catch my drift.. :)

    I told him that for various reasons I had never done anything with another guy (or girl.) He thought I was joking at first, but we talked about it for a while, and I shared some rather personal stuff, that I had never told anyone else with him. He was great about everything, we talked for about an hour and he didn't judge or laugh, which is how some people would react if I told them I was 28 and have never done anything. Now without too much detail there were some illegal substances involved (might share a name with a soft drink), I didn't do anything but he did. He insists it's only an occasional thing, and I honestly believe him, having hung out with him for over a year.

    So before the night was over we fooled around a little bit, I was nervous as hell since that was the most I had ever done. He was very supportive the whole time. So I ended up leaving around 5 AM again. (who needs sleep anyway)

    We've hung out some since then but it's been just at the bar, which is fun. So this past Sun I picked him up and we hung out all night and went "pool hall hopping." Was a fun night, but nothing happened besides just hanging out.

    To sum it up, I really like him, but he drinks a little much, and Im not so sure about the drugs (even occasionally.) He's not annoying when he gets drunk though, just talks a little fast :) I should also mention he has a boyfriend. Part of me is saying just stay away, but he is really a great guy. I don't think that you should cut someone out of your life just because they have some occasional bad habits.

    Im not expecting this to turn into a relationship or anything, but I can't help the way I feel. Some of my friends say I should tell him I have feelings for him, but I don't want to scare him away or lose our friendship over it. Even if nothing ever happens I honestly still want to be friends, I really enjoy hanging out with him, and like I said he is a great friend if you look past the bad habits.

    Sorry to rant, just been sitting here thinking and wanted to tell someone, may end up deleting this post in the morning :) Goodnight!
     
  2. EricNau Moderator emeritus

    EricNau

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2005
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    #2
    First of all, I'm a firm believer in following your own path and writing your own stories, but seeking advice is always a good thing too. But these are just my personal opinions; in the end, you need to do what makes you the happiest and what you believe to be right.


    I think you should probably respect the fact that he has a boyfriend; even if he isn't happy in that relationship and is looking elsewhere, his boyfriend doesn't deserve to be cheated on, and you probably don't want to involve yourself in that situation.

    But a good friendship shouldn't be ruined by honesty; if you have feelings for him, there should be no harm in telling him. Explain that you value your friendship above all else, and you're fine with remaining "just friends," but that you wanted to be honest with him, and that's why you shared.

    Now, if he tells you the feeling is mutual, you have a decision to make. You could ignore the fact that he has a boyfriend, or explain that you'd love nothing more than to try out a relationship with him, but that you aren't comfortable doing so if he still has a boyfriend. Personally, I'd go with the latter choice, and tell him you're willing to wait (if you are).

    Although, I'll also add that you shouldn't go into a relationship with the intentions of changing his bad habits. The drinking might just be explained by the fact that you always meet him in a bar :p, but if the cocaine (I'm guessing ;)) is a problem, you should share that too before entering into a relationship.

    That's just my two cents. Best of luck. :)
     
  3. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2002
    Location:
    Location Location Location
    #3
    Stay friends, but don't get into a relationship with him, and don't make out with him anymore.

    That's my advice.
     
  4. iJohnHenry macrumors P6

    iJohnHenry

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2008
    Location:
    On tenterhooks
    #4
    He's a player, and you're not.

    Be very careful, emotionally and physically, if you get my drift.

    Is his name Lee? :eek: <the Devil made me do it>
     
  5. eawmp1 macrumors 601

    eawmp1

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2008
    Location:
    FL
    #5
    And this should be your red flag. If he will cheat on his significant other, he can cheat on you.
     
  6. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #6
    The guy has a boyfriend. If you weren't emotionally involved with him and it was a one nighter, I'd say go for it, as his relationship issues are his and his alone.

    But it sounds like you want this to be more than it is right now. Stay away from this guy. The only one getting hurt will be you if you don't. I guarantee that.

    Hey- I'm honest with potential boyfriends about myself. They all know I like to spice it up from time to time. But this guy is being deceptive, and that's not cool. It's the lying that makes it bad. If you don't want a monogamous relationship, just say so.
     
  7. jav6454 macrumors P6

    jav6454

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2007
    Location:
    1 Geostationary Tower Plaza
    #7
    I like this advice alot. You said you hadn't fooled around, don't just start on whims or short nights. Remember he has a boyfriend so there is potential for drama and whatnot.


    @iJH: On the Lee reference: oh_you.bmp.tbz.rar.exe.png.dmg
     
  8. 184550 Guest

    Joined:
    May 8, 2008
    #8
    I agree with what the others have said. This sounds like it'll only end one way, with you getting hurt.

    TBH, it sounds like you're a curiosity to him. It probably won't move beyond the random one night hang outs/ hook ups.
     
  9. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #9
    Exactly- you don't wanna end up being chased by some PO'd guy with a knife or worse.
     
  10. filfortugno macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2010
    Location:
    Montreal, Quebec, Canada
    #10
    run away, far away. Cheating + drugs= run!!, find a guy that'll give you what you want and that doesn't involve breaking other people's hearts.

     
  11. todd2000 thread starter macrumors 68000

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2005
    Location:
    Danville, VA
    #11
    I might consider telling him, since I feel like I can be honest with him. I told him things that I hadn't told friends I've know almost 20 years. Im a very shy person, but I feel comfortable talking to him.


    Well honestly, I would love for this to turn into something, but Im not expecting it to, nor am I getting my hopes up. I do truly want to be friends with him regardless of what happens. I mean our friendship is still relatively new outside of the bar, but I'de like to keep it going. I really enjoy just hanging out with him, sure there are feelings in the back of my mind, and as much as I might like something to come of them, if it doesn't so be it.
     
  12. leekohler macrumors G5

    leekohler

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2004
    Location:
    Chicago, Illinois
    #12
    Then you need to tell him this, not us. Honestly, I would. Get it out of the way. He most likely will tell you he's not interested. Might sting at first, but you'll get over it quickly and be able to keep things friendly. Do not let things like this sit and fester.
     
  13. roadbloc macrumors G3

    roadbloc

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2009
    Location:
    UK
    #13
    I'd say be honest and tell him. However, let him know that you don't wish him to have an affair.

    I'd wait until valentines day and discreetly post a lovely, home made, love filled card. :cool:
     
  14. todd2000 thread starter macrumors 68000

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2005
    Location:
    Danville, VA
    #14
    I know, I know, but Im new at all of this as sad as that is, and as I said Im VERY shy, and it's hard for me to express what Im feeling.
     
  15. JackHobbs macrumors regular

    JackHobbs

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2009
    Location:
    London
    #15
    Sometimes, what ifs can prolong a feeling more than knowing. Ask yourself whether you enjoy the possibility of a relationship more than knowing that it isn't going to happen. It sounds as if he is a good friend. He has listened to you and hasn't made fun of you. Are you prepared to risk losing that friendship?

    The deception of the boyfriend is not good. I agree with other posters. If you do not want to be monogamous then be honest about it. If he can lie to his boyfriend he can lie to you. You are an adult, you know how much pain you can stand. It could be that for the experiences that you gain from this man it is would be worth the pain of him having a boyfriend.

    Whatever you decide, please value yourself. It sounds as if this could be your first intimate relationship. Think through any decisions you make and be comfortable with asking for what you want. You are worth a nurturing and supportive relationship.
     
  16. EricNau Moderator emeritus

    EricNau

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2005
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    #16
    Sometimes it's easier to tell those we haven't known for a long time.

    Honesty is always a good thing. If/when you decide you're ready, you should tell him.
     

Share This Page