Sticky situation

[Legolamb]

This is seriously dicey. Your parents have raised you to be the responsible adult while they can play. They are relying on your guilt and good naturedness, similar to well-meaning family and friends enabling an addict or alcoholic.
I agree that if you give your father the 3K, it will be a gift, not a loan. I also predict that, once you do get a steady job, your family will only be hitting you for more money and threats of more dire consequences if you don't pull through for them.
I agree with theyoda3. What if you told him you could only give him 1K, or some amount that shows you are concerned but not an unlocked bank? Not as a loan, but as a gift, knowing that he will never pay it back. He may have to, perish the thought, hustle for some legitimate alternatives (friends, other family, sell something, get an advance for a job). Oh, and never give them access to any credit cards. You will never be able to sustain a good credit rating with your father as a "dependent".

 

[dukebound85]

However, in my experience, money can be very damaging in these situations. You may be better off just saying no entirely.

I digress.

true im also worried about my relationship if i do say no. and again if i do say yes and never get paid back.

Lie.

**** him, if he's going to jail then it's likely his own damn fault.

i cant lie to my parents. they are great people that have been down on their luck for a while

however i dont feel like i should feel "obligated" to help because its my parents.

if i say no then i dont know how my parents would look at me and view me as not compassionate and if i say yes then im more or less wondering about my future as well as never getting the money back

i mean heck i used to enjoy going home and now i feel like itd be best to avoid it in a sense and having them confront me. just not pleasant at all.

as far as pawning off items while true it can be done, there is a deadline by tomorrow or hes taken away. man i love how now i cant get any "real" work done because my thoughts are preoccoupied with this mess

Has your dad been in jail before? Even so jail is not a place I'd want my dad to be in and I'd gladly pay 10 times that amount to keep him out. I'm sure there's some situation you're not telling us about but he's your dad, he gladly spent all the money he had raising you and you obviously have caring parents to turn out so well. £3000 is a lot of money for a cash strapped student but remember that in years to come it'll be small change, small change that will help your dad more than you.

yes he has. if i could afford it i would but the issue is while i do have it, it would be placing a hardship and uncertainty on my end of things financially. the reason hes going to jail is not entirely his fault as he sold items and the supplier was unable to supply them to my dad to them ship to the customer

i mean i just had to take a student loan out to give me a cushion to pay for school for exactly the reason to hold me over while i look for a job. my dad knows this so he knows i have the amt he needs as i consult my parents with alot of things

 

[LeahM]

yes he has. if i could afford it i would but the issue is while i do have it, it would be placing a hardship and uncertainty on my end of things financially. the reason hes going to jail is not entirely his fault as he sold items and the supplier was unable to supply them to my dad to them ship to the customer

i mean i just had to take a student loan out to give me a cushion to pay for school for exactly the reason to hold me over while i look for a job. my dad knows this so he knows i have the amt he needs as i consult my parents with alot of things

Have you talked to your dad about how you feel? He should probably know. Talk to who ever is going to put him in jail and explain the situation, maybe you could get away with paying half and then your dad selling his stuff to pawn shops to make up the rest.

 

[dukebound85]

Have you talked to your dad about how you feel? He should probably know. Talk to who ever is going to put him in jail and explain the situation, maybe you could get away with paying half and then your dad selling his stuff to pawn shops to make up the rest.

he approached me yesterday afternoon which took me by suprise. the people putting him in jail are across the country

however, the way i feel is probably alot better than how he feels. i can only imagine what its like to have to ask your son for help

 

[LeahM]

he approached me yesterday afternoon which took me by suprise. the people putting him in jail are across the country

however, the way i feel is probably alot better than how he feels. i can only imagine what its like to have to ask your son for help

Can he not take out a personal loan? Also, the people putting him in jail, they would have to work with the police. So I'm sure your dad could work something out, I'm sure the police would rather you dad work something out as well.

I don't understand the whole situation so good luck with what you decide

 

[Eraserhead]

again if i do say yes and never get paid back.

So setup a repayment plan with their bank.

 

[emw]

This sounds fishy. He comes to you the day before he needs the money or he'll go to jail?

If this were really the case, then there would need to be some trial, he'd have to go to court, be convicted, etc. From what you said, it sounds like there was some shady deal where your dad sold something but didn't deliver, and now the people he sold it to want their money back and are making threats.

If it was really the supplier's fault, he should be going to them to get the product. That is, if this was really a legitimate deal.

I'm sorry to badmouth your father here, but it sounds like he's just using you.

 

[Eraserhead]

I was thinking there was something fishy going on, emw you look like you've hit the nail on the head. Yeah don't lend him anything until he tells you the truth, or are you just lying to us?

We can't help you if you don't tell us the truth.

 

[dukebound85]

This sounds fishy. He comes to you the day before he needs the money or he'll go to jail?

If this were really the case, then there would need to be some trial, he'd have to go to court, be convicted, etc. From what you said, it sounds like there was some shady deal where your dad sold something but didn't deliver, and now the people he sold it to want their money back and are making threats.

If it was really the supplier's fault, he should be going to them to get the product. That is, if this was really a legitimate deal.

I'm sorry to badmouth your father here, but it sounds like he's just using you.

he knew he might go to jail but it was just informed to him by this friday (he knew on tues or wed apparently)

the people he sold to are multimillionaires and are friends with sherrif. money buys power

when this happened before, his compay wasnt incorporated so they could go after him personally. this time around it is incorporated yet they are still coming after him personally. he thinks it should be a civil matter but when you cant pay an attorney what can you do?

 

[dukebound85]

I was thinking there was something fishy going on, emw you look like you've hit the nail on the head. Yeah don't lend him anything until he tells you the truth, or are you just lying to us?

We can't help you if you don't tell us the truth.

im telling you all i know. i dont think my dad would lie to me though

the reason they are coming after him and not the supplier is becasue they wrote the checks to my dad, not the supplier as far as i know

 

[LeahM]

So there actually isnt a warrent for his arrest?

Maybe your dad should talk to the supplier

EDIT: some lawyers will give a free consult, you should have you dad talk to them

 

[dukebound85]

So there actually isnt a warrent for his arrest?

Maybe your dad should talk to the supplier

wouldnt there have to be a warrent? i mean he will be aressted without going to court.

same scenario happened 4 years ago. cops just came and took him to jail

 

[Eraserhead]

im telling you all i know. i dont think my dad would lie to me though

If you owe someone money you don't go to jail, with the possible exception of tax. Even in that case there would have to be a trail and full court proceedings which take ages. Also if you were getting fined they'd accept sensible repayments and wouldn't need the money up front.

The only other possibility with a legal issue is that he needs the money for bail, but in that case he'd already have been arrested and be sitting in a police cell right now.

As neither of those seem plausible he doesn't want the money for a legal issue. If he wants $3000 the very least he owes you is the truth. I'm sorry to say this, but he is lying to you.

 

[dukebound85]

If you owe someone money you don't go to jail, with the possible exception of tax. Even in that case there would have to be a trail and full court proceedings which take ages. Also if you were getting fined they'd accept sensible repayments and wouldn't need the money up front.

The only other possibility with a legal issue is that he needs the money for bail, but in that case he'd already have been arrested and be sitting in a police cell right now.

As neither of those seem plausible he doesn't want the money for a legal issue. If he wants $3000 the very least he owes you is the truth. I'm sorry to say this, but he is lying to you.

are you absolutely sure on that? you can't get arrested for failure to deliver an item or being unable to refund the money.

assume that he isnt lying, any situation that would warrent this?

 

[LeahM]

are you absolutely sure on that? you can't get arrested for failure to deliver an item or being unable to refund the money.

assume that he isnt lying, any situation that would warrent this?

I think you need to read the threads on being scammed from ebay/craigslist. Cops didn't do anything.

 

[xlii]

I don't think your dad is going to jail this friday. This is just a way to get some money from you. No one goes to jail if all they owe someone is 3k. Look at it logically... if you father does go to jail...

1. How does that help him pay back the money?
2. It costs a lot of money to put & keep someone in jail. The state will quickly be out a lot more than 3 grand in a very short time.

He's not going to jail... he might owe some money but he's not going to jail over it.

 

[emw]

are you absolutely sure on that? you can't get arrested for failure to deliver an item or being unable to refund the money.

Then why isn't his supplier going to jail?

assume that he isnt lying, any situation that would warrent this?

Without knowing the background, it's hard to say. How long has this situation been in play - was the shipment supposed to be sent last week? Last year? Have there been other attempts to get repayment and your father has fought them?

It's hard to understand that a group of millionaires are going to send a guy to jail over $3K worth of stuff without trying to work out a repayment plan.

They might sue him/his company for the money, but people shouldn't be going directly to jail for something like this.

I maintain my contention that he's not telling you the whole truth.

 

[mahashel]

I would *give* him the money, contingent on him getting some counseling. Sounds to me like he might need some help grappling with the reality of his situation. He lives beyond his means, does not pay his debts, has a criminal history (been to jail at least once before), and doesn't seem to have a problem pulling his family into his maelstrom of chaos. These traits add up to some issues that might need addressed professionally. (I'm talking counseling here, not necessarily an official psych unless needed)
To put it another way, I'd only agree to help him if he could commit to helping himself.

 

[CubaTBird]

Surely most of you have at one point or another been asked to loan a family member money.

The question is do you do it?

I ask as im in a real sticky situation. In short here is my story.....

Im about to graduate this may from college with a couple offers but nothing decided yet. I do not have much to my name and owe quite a bit of loan money back starting relatively soon

However, a family member of mine needs a substantial amount of money. If he does not have say 3k by friday, he will go to jail. He has no where to turn so he came to me.

My issue is I need all the money I have for me namely to hold myself over till I get a job lined up. While I can afford (afford may not be the appropriate word here) to give him the money, it would present a hardship on me but i could survive. Another piece of the puzzle is that I have given him money before which has never been paid back (about a thousand lent when i was 15 now 23....alot of money for a min wage job savings) as well as access to my credit cards which i had to pay off slowly but surely which amounted to a couple hundred probably. The person I speak of is my father which makes it all the harder.

I have no idea what to do and cant believe to be honest that my parents would put me in such a position as it is truly difficult. Factor in that I have to pay all my school and housing, food etc as I dont live at home.

Any advice as this is seriously gut wrenching for me as i love my dad but at the same time, i dont want to "screw" myself in a sense and be in a similar situation asking for help from others if worst comes to worst. I mean I work my tail off and save so i can look out for my well being.

many thanks..

you guys have always given me good advice. i appreciate it very much

NO, YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON WHATS IMPORTANT TO YOU. this is a distraction, don't let it get to you. if you give him the money, it won't be over and things will just develop more. and the situation will get worse. use the money to benefit you, he needs to take care of himself. you don't want to let his problems affect YOUR FUTURE. this is about you, not him.

 

[Gelfin]

You can say you don't believe your Dad would lie to you, but there is something going on here you are not being told. People do not go to jail over a $3000 obligation. The situation you describe would be a civil matter, and a small claims one at that. You don't even necessarily take a lawyer to small claims court. You go in, argue your case, the judge gives a judgment and that's that. Even if you fail to pay the judgment, liens and garnishment would tend to happen before jail time.

We don't have debtors' prisons. If you are owed money, the one place you wouldn't want your debtor is in jail, because it means all other attempts to get the actual money out of him have failed, and you won't be getting anything out of him while he's behind bars for sure. If jail time is imminent, then things have probably progressed to a point that handing over $3000 is not going to stave it off. When your Dad was arrested before, were you told what the charges were?

Regardless, what you are experiencing is not normal, and it is not kosher. Your father is not just down on his luck. He has some sort of serious problem, and he's abusing your relationship with him to avoid the consequences of it. Giving him the money is enablement of whatever that problem is. What happens with people who deal with money like your father seems to deal with money is that family members become just another victim. You won't see the $3k again, and it will just encourage him to guilt trip you for more later. If you want to save the relationship, implicit trust and blindly handing over the money is not the way to do it.

I totally understand you not wanting your father to go to jail, and wanting to help him. I'd probably do the same. But from the way you talk, whatever you choose to do you're going to have to toughen up about it. He needs you more than you need him right now, so you hold all the cards. There are holes in your Dad's story, and he needs to fill them in before he can have any money. The filling should include details you can confirm independently, like information on the court issuing a warrant for him. You should not under any circumstances send your father money directly, but instead get information about who gets the $3000 and how it makes the problem go away, then deal with that person yourself as much as you can. If you expect to get money back, get it planned out, in writing and notarized before giving a dime. Make sure to include agreement for you to come to his house, take things and sell them yourself if he doesn't pay. If he wants your help, he'd better be willing to take it on terms that protect you or not at all.

 

[motulist]

dukebound85, you have not commented on any of the many alternatives already offered, such as helping them return some expensive items they bought, helping them ebay their big ticket items, helping them pawn their jewelry, helping them get a bank loan, etc.

 

[mrwizardno2]

Yikes, this is tough. I don't really think it's fair of him to ask this of you. Yeah, he's your dad, but he's also older than you - more experienced - more "matured." Where I'm getting to with this is: You're just starting your life. Why would he ask you to potentially screw up yours for his? I know, this makes it sound like he's 80-something and ready to keel over, but I don't see how he would think to ask this of you. Does he not have any friends or partners who can get him out of this bind?

That money is for your self betterment. Using it for this isn't something *I* would be willing to do - but I'd at least sit down with him and hash it out. Surely there is some other way. It's not fair to ask you to compromise your education. You've worked hard to get where you are - you said it yourself that they didn't provide any assistance - why would you give that up?

At any rate, I really hope you figure it out. And I hope that if you do say no, that he can be mature, be a man and understand where you're coming from.

 

[dukebound85]

dukebound85, you have not commented on any of the many alternatives already offered, such as helping them return some expensive items they bought, helping them ebay their big ticket items, helping them pawn their jewelry, helping them get a bank loan, etc.

yea regardless of what happens, i agree that this needs to be done

 

[motulist]

yea regardless of what happens, i agree that this needs to be done

Okay, that's good to hear, but the point is that you can do these things to get them the $3000 instead of you giving them the money yourself.

 

[DeuceDeuce]

First off the old saying 'Money is the root of all evil' is very true.
Even in families the subject of money brings out the worst in people, especially if it's the old 'I havent got it but you have!' situation,
You need to think long and hard, If you decide to lend it get some assurance it will be paid back when your told it will be. Personally if I can avoid lending money I do, In the Past it's caused me so much grief, because they are family they expect you to go easy asking for it back and so arguments start, your talking about what I consider to be a lot of money, Me personally I say No, you gotta get yourself sorted and financially stable before your able to start lending money, think will you ever need that money ?

just my thoughts on the subject

The saying is "The LOVE of money is the root of all evil."