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Too busy to hang out...
- Thread starter glocke12
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Wow.
So errm how does it feel to be old and lonely?
Please, don't be confused. I'm older, yes, but far from lonely.
Being a hermit is a deeply misunderstood thing. Some people are quite content to live a very small social life and that seem alien in this mass connected culture we have going these days. It is obvious to me that the OP is super stressed and in need of a major time-out and should take one. If you feel the need to be alone and force yourself to fight that, it only adds to the level of stress and self-doubt that is going on.
"I need some time to myself and I'll get back to you when I'm ready" is an OK thing to say.You just need to phrase it well so that you don't hurt the feelings of the people you really care about.
Dale
"I need some time to myself and I'll get back to you when I'm ready" is an OK thing to say.You just need to phrase it well so that you don't hurt the feelings of the people you really care about.
Dale
Thanks Dale..
In hindsight I probably could have rephrased things to sound a little less "mean", but a timeout is definitely what I am in need of.
I also get the thing about work not being everything, problem is I do need to eat and pay bills, so I need to do what I have to do to keep myself working and employable.
At the same time I probably need to find a better work/life balance.
As a person who works as much as you, I share your sentiment. If you're busy, you're busy (60hr weeks + commute time is not that uncommon and can easily lead to 14-16 hour/days). Your friends should be understanding of this, and, if not, then maybe it's time to look into different social circles.
Everyone has Macrumors. Sometimes its more exciting then what a friend wants to say. sometimes.
I don't feel that way though.
I don't feel that way though.
I did this
I did the same thing as you, about two years ago. The feelings and experiences you describe are familiar to me.
My friends were a little bit more understanding, but it was hard for them, I know. I do live with someone who I have been with for the past 15 years, so I haven't been totally secluded. But I must say that I have not missed having a social life.
There's so much I love to do by myself that it's felt luxurious to actually give myself the time to put my own needs and interests first. I figured, "Why live my life just resenting everyone for making me feel so drained?"
The strong responses you have received are surprising to me. Why is it so shocking that someone could take pleasure in their own company? And further, if there is a strong feeling inside you that you need time for yourself, fighting it will only create more stress and resentment inside of you.
So, make space for yourself. I agree with the cautions that you should take care, making sure that if you start feeling depressed, you have someone to talk to about it.
Good luck!
I did the same thing as you, about two years ago. The feelings and experiences you describe are familiar to me.
My friends were a little bit more understanding, but it was hard for them, I know. I do live with someone who I have been with for the past 15 years, so I haven't been totally secluded. But I must say that I have not missed having a social life.
There's so much I love to do by myself that it's felt luxurious to actually give myself the time to put my own needs and interests first. I figured, "Why live my life just resenting everyone for making me feel so drained?"
The strong responses you have received are surprising to me. Why is it so shocking that someone could take pleasure in their own company? And further, if there is a strong feeling inside you that you need time for yourself, fighting it will only create more stress and resentment inside of you.
So, make space for yourself. I agree with the cautions that you should take care, making sure that if you start feeling depressed, you have someone to talk to about it.
Good luck!
Perhaps because, even though most here are liberal in their thinking, just below the surface is the pack mentality of making all conform.
I was surprised too, so you are not alone.
Not at all. If someone treats their friends in this manner, they should not expect to have them for long. Glocke's POV is extremely selfish. It's one thing to say you need some alone time. It's quite another to tell your friends that you will blatantly ignore them no matter what.
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That's my thinking. Friendship happens because of a mutual desire for each other's presence. A friendship entirely on one person's terms is no friendship at all. I'd be concerned about a friend who pushed his friends away, and very concerned if I showed up at his house and he refused to open the door. I also feel that I'd seriously reconsider a job or career path that meant I had absolutely no time to do anything else. You only live once.
I can see that POV.
So the thing Im really having trouble with is where Im supposed to find the extra time to spend with the people that demand my presence ? For instance, today is the first time in 5 days I have been home for more than 6 hours straight (not including sleepy time), and I am loving every minute of it.
There are things I could have done with other people, that I chose not to do merely so I could get caught up with stuff, and to also relax and unwind.
Such an interesting topic. Thanks to Glocke for starting the discussion.
That does sound hard. Care to share more about the circumstances?
Thanks to OutThere for this thoughtful response. I think sharing each other's presence or shared activities is one kind of friendship. There are other approaches to friendship that can be supported by other characteristics, such as shared history, appreciation of another's personality, acts of kindness, etc.
Also, I don't hear Glocke saying that he expects his friends to wait for him, appear on demand, etc. Sometimes, being able to renew yourself on your own terms is what the situation demands.
If you are feeling like people are "demanding your presence" at the expense of the ability for you to "relax and unwind," I think you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Especially considering you are so busy, it's great that you are taking the time to recharge in a way that makes sense to you.
I personally enjoy reading and listening to music. Great activities to do when I have time away from work.
That does sound hard. Care to share more about the circumstances?
Thanks to OutThere for this thoughtful response. I think sharing each other's presence or shared activities is one kind of friendship. There are other approaches to friendship that can be supported by other characteristics, such as shared history, appreciation of another's personality, acts of kindness, etc.
Also, I don't hear Glocke saying that he expects his friends to wait for him, appear on demand, etc. Sometimes, being able to renew yourself on your own terms is what the situation demands.
If you are feeling like people are "demanding your presence" at the expense of the ability for you to "relax and unwind," I think you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Especially considering you are so busy, it's great that you are taking the time to recharge in a way that makes sense to you.
I personally enjoy reading and listening to music. Great activities to do when I have time away from work.
That's not how Glocke12 expressed his feelings; his OP was about not wanting to make time for his social circle or putting his career before the rest of his life. Something temporary that people should just deal with.
(This is of course not how friendship works.)
What you're talking about is a desire to maintain a small social life. A permanent choice that isn't one of convenience, but of personal preference. I found no indication of Glocke12 wanting to pare down his social life, but rather a frustration that he couldn't simply press pause and resume at his leisure.
That being said, I think you've illuminated the choice that Glocke12 is going to have to make; how to either manage his social life better, or who he's going to pare down to. You can't have it both ways!
No offense, but it seems like your friends aren't actually friends, but merely acquaintances. The way you describe them, it doesn't seem like you derive any actual joy from spending time with them. It's not supposed to be another chore you put on your list and then check off.
That actually makes me feel a little bit sorry for you. I couldn't imagine not looking forward to having drinks with my friends, or talking with them about a new job or love interest, going shopping or jogging together. I think most people value their alone time, but it's nice to be around people that care about you.
All I can say is try and be a little nicer when you tell them you're going on social hiatus, or else they might not be there when you get back. Although I can't say it sounds like that would bother you very much.