What A Rough Night

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by Mr. Durden, Nov 27, 2006.

  1. Mr. Durden macrumors 6502a

    Jan 13, 2005
    Good morning everyone (or afternoon).

    I just kind of felt like getting this out. After 11 years of marriage I'm getting divorced. As tough as all this is to go through, somehow I've been able to "hang in there". I get to see my kids as often as I want and they visit me Friday through Sunday, so thats pretty good compared to what I've heard some other fathers get for visitation.

    So... this weekend, I moved into an apartment. At first I was excited, but when I went to bed last night in that quiet empty apartment, all I could think of was how the rest of my family is back at "home" without me. My god, I felt like someone had died. This isnt what I've worked literally half my life for. What an agonizing night. My mind just wouldnt stop with all the memories, etc., and the thought that those things are gone forever.

    Every morning my two kids would come into our bedroom and snuggle up in the bed for a couple hours before I went to work. And this morning... nothing. Now I'm 33 and get to start all over, making a new family and still loving the one I've got (at least the kids).

    This is pretty darn hard. Its such a challenge to not get overly depressed about everything.

    Well. I guess thats it. I just had to get that out. I feel better already. Have a good day everyone. :)
  2. MacBoobsPro macrumors 603


    Jan 10, 2006
    Wow. Im really sorry to hear that.

    Like you say though you can look forward to starting an exciting new life and you still have the happiness and love from your kids as well. Sure its a sad thing to lose someone you once loved but time heals all and this could be the start of something great.

    Keep your chin up and good luck to you.

  3. mkrishnan Moderator emeritus


    Jan 9, 2004
    Grand Rapids, MI, USA
    Yeah... *hugs* :( I hope this becomes an opportunity to invest in you and what you needed but did not receive in your marriage, while continuing to invest in your children. I can tell how much you care about them from your writing...and how much they care about you. I'm glad it sounds like the relationship between you and your ex-wife is... at least tenable.
  4. SpookTheHamster macrumors 65816


    Nov 7, 2004
    Afternoon here.

    I can't say I've gone through your situation, I'm only 19. But I know a lot of adults who have. It's a difficult thing to deal with, but give yourself some time to get back on your feet and you'll start to enjoy yourself again.

    Stay on good terms (if you can) with your ex, and you'll probably get the chance to see your kids more often. But don't let yourself just be used as a baby sitter when it's convenient for them.

    Be glad you're on this forum, I can't think of another forum with quite such a wide range of helpful people, and I'm sure there will be some people here to make you feel better about yourself.
  5. iGary Guest


    May 26, 2004
    Randy's House
    The first month or two will be the roughest, but being wildly adaptable, your mind and body will settle in to where you're feeling less loss and thinking more along the lines of how to move on quickly...


    You're only 33. ;)
  6. Allotriophagy macrumors 6502a

    Sep 5, 2006
    Never fear! I have a plan!

    We hit the gay bars! Hoo yeah! That will surely take your mind off things.

    Now you are divorced you can finally get some decent h**d.

    Ahem hem.
  7. Mr. Durden thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Jan 13, 2005
    Thanks for the kind words everyone. I felt I had to get that out and just doing so made me feel a bit better, but your words of encouragement really lifted my spirits.

    Allotriophagy, if Im ever in your part of the world maybe we can do some bar hopping and whoop it up, but I'm afraid I would mostly be just a spectator at the gay bars. Of course, you never know what can happen after a few beers and shots...;)

    Thanks again everyone. Those kind words meant a lot to me, and put a smile on my face.
  8. nitynate macrumors 6502a

    Jan 22, 2006
    Clearwater, FL
  9. Mr. Durden thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Jan 13, 2005
    Funny you should say that. I have some. And Effexor. And Ambien. And, some umm, other stuff... ;)
  10. Dagless macrumors Core


    Jan 18, 2005
    Fighting to stay in the EU
    So sorry to hear that. As I read that I felt a tiny bit of what the crapness that is divorce could be like.

    On the bright side you are only 33. You're not collecting your pension just yet :) more than enough time to get an excellent life back again.

    Good luck to you. :)
  11. Abstract macrumors Penryn


    Dec 27, 2002
    Location Location Location
    It must be a very difficult transition, and not the type of transition you ever imagined yourself making. I think that's the hardest part. Nobody ever thinks they'll be in your situation, and it's really difficult to prepare for that sort of thing.

    Good luck to you, and have a good day. :)
  12. pseudobrit macrumors 68040


    Jul 23, 2002
    Jobs' Spare Liver Jar
    I think dulling the emotion while the wound is raw is okay for the short term(I'm fond of chugging a whole bottle of gin myself), but keep an eye on long term self- over-medication.

    It sucks to have your life turned over like this but you'll deal with it in your own way and move on in your own time.
  13. imacintel macrumors 68000

    Mar 12, 2006
    Aww..mate. That's tough. :(

    I really don't have advice to give. You will get over it though. Just try to be happy, do happy things, and spend lots of time with the kids when you get the chance. :)
  14. thedude110 macrumors 68020


    Jun 13, 2005
    All my best thoughts to you, Mr. Durden. I hope you quickly reconcile the identities you're moving between and come to enjoy your own space.
  15. FleurDuMal macrumors 68000


    May 31, 2006
    London Town
    It's amazing how 'divorce' is just one of those words that is flung about so frequently now that the real emotional content of it almost evaporates.

    Reading that post reclaimed in my mind the devestation that divorce can actually create inside people, and just for a split second created that sickening feeling that it can lie in store for anybody.

    Good luck.
  16. Agent Smith macrumors 6502

    Agent Smith

    Mar 21, 2004
    Toronto, ON
    I'm really sorry to hear that Mr.Durden. :( I hope things get better for you.

    The one thing that you must do, no matter what, is be there for your kids. Whatever you need to do, stay in their lives. Believe me, it is vitally important for them, and I unfortunately speak from experience (on the kid side).
  17. leekohler macrumors G5


    Dec 22, 2004
    Chicago, Illinois
    Ugh, I'm so sorry. I was just talking to a recently divorced friend of mine yesterday. It's just not a fun thing to go through at all. Keep your chin up, it'll get better.
  18. Silentwave macrumors 68000

    May 26, 2006
    Gainesville, FL
    I'm really sorry to hear about your divorce.

    My parents split up about 9 1/2 years ago when I was 8. it was painful for all of us, but my father especially. He only had my grandmother, who was already in her 80s (she's now at an assisted living facility) living with him full time for the first two years. I only had one day a week with him, and it was pretty sad. The house was never really taken care of, but he didn't seem to think it was that way. he was in denial.

    As time went on my grandmother moved out, and I started coming over 2-3 times per week, which was much nicer.

    Word of advice- get EVERYTHING out of the way on the days the kids are with you. don't let a distraction present itself. you'll thank yourself later, and your kids will never have to wish you had.

    My father was sad for a while...but a few years ago he met his perfect match and they've been living together for over two and a half years, married for over a year, and they're as happy as they can possibly be.
  19. Mike Teezie macrumors 68020

    Mike Teezie

    Nov 20, 2002
    I'm really sorry to hear that man. Some good advice in this thread all around - but I'd pay special attention to what pseudobrit said about long term self medicating. It sure is easy to let that sort of thing turn into something ugly.

    You will be alright, try to remember that. Good luck.

  20. Mr. Durden thread starter macrumors 6502a

    Jan 13, 2005
    Wow. I cant believe how supportive everyone is being here. I cant begin to tell you how encouraging and emotionally uplifting seeing these posts has been. You Mac Rumors people sure are great. Thanks again for the kind words.

    As for overdoing the self-medicated drugs... you are both so right. However, I said it mostly in jest. I do have some of those items in my posession, but for a previous, unrelated situation. Good advice nontheless and I'll certainly keep that in mind.
  21. MacsRgr8 macrumors 604


    Sep 8, 2002
    The Netherlands
    Being single I can't imagine the suffering you're going through mate.
    But I wish you all the strength in the world!

    Last Sunday I heard one of my ex-team mates is also going to devorce after about 10 years of marriage. he has 4 lovely children, all very young.... oldest being about 8 years old. :(

    It always is heart breaking to hear.

    It's these times you need a couple of friends who keep your spirits up. Just get through these dark few months and keep seeing the kids! They love you just as much as you love them, and need you too.
    After a while both you and your ex will be settled, and the arrangement of seeing the kids would become a normal "Great! My kids are over for the weekend". :)

    Keep a stiff upper lip, mate!
  22. jelloshotsrule macrumors G3


    Feb 7, 2002
    keep your head up tyler. these things happen for a reason.
  23. Foggy macrumors 6502a

    Jul 4, 2006
    London, UK
    As said, on the positive side at least you are still quite young. I am currently in the middle of my parents getting divorced after 32 years (both in their mid 50's) and it is horrid and they are becoming very bitter. I also know 6 other couples getting divorced - I swear there must be something in the air at the moment.

    I cant imagine what you are going through in regards to your children, I cant bear to think about living my life in a different home to my daughter.

    I hope you find someone that makes you happy.
  24. tringo macrumors regular

    Aug 30, 2006
    Divorces make me so frustrated. I don't understand how the rates can just explode in one generation. I don't think anyone really understands what marriage is anymore and this is gonna sound bad, but I think that in most cases the Wife is the one to quickly give up on working things out and is normally the first one to jump ship.

    My parents divorced when I was 2 and it makes me wonder that maybe having a kid can sometimes mess things up. Who knows...
  25. MacsRgr8 macrumors 604


    Sep 8, 2002
    The Netherlands
    That could be true.
    When a young couple fall in love, and marry quite early, I think many consequences of being married and maybe having children are somewhat overlooked or oversimplified.
    Both probably have a job and in the evenings enjoy eachother's company, and that's great!
    But I can imagine that having a child could break alot of things up, which neither would have foreseen. Once you have the first child you suddenly are responsible of another life. Getting out of bed every couple of hours during the night is probably very stressfull, and can lead to some heavy arguements. Maybe the mother wants to stop working. Maybe it's the other way around: maybe the father would like the mother to be with the child, but the mother wants to continue her career..... I dunno, but I can imagine these issues coming up. Before the child was born, these issues were non-existant making living together so much easier.
    Trouble is... IMHO, both the adults should love eachother enough to really want to stay together. They also should love their child dearly, and really want to raise it together. And yes, that means both should get out of bed in turns, or at least make some arrangements...

    I just hope that all those devorcing couples really, really have tried their absolute best to make the marriage work. Especially if young children are involved. Ofcourse some marriages simply won't work, however hard they try, and I hope it will work out for these unfortunate people.

    But, I know nothing. I am just a bachelor ;)

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