what to do about a brainwashed girlfriend?

[macman2790]

Yeah, my gf is brainwashed by her lousy, moron parents. I love her so much its been like 4 years, both in our first year in college by the way. Her mom treats her like an utter piece of crap all the time. I really dont want to go on about that, but talk about some day-to-day emotional abuse. It's probably worse than most of you think. She wants to go to a college far away with me, which i completely agree on. Her parents go behind her back and keep telling people they dont know real well, and it comes back to them. She spends tons of time with me and not with her family, the mom makes the 4-year old daughter say, "why dont you love me, and why are you always with him?" Back to the college thing, her parents said, they would take us to visit because they didnt want us to have sex, but they buy her birth control? Then the day before, "we cant take you, you want to put your dad through 8 hours of driving and your little sister? you told us at the last second."(3 months before is not = to last second). Now she is getting treated like an animal every day since. Threatened to get kicked out, everything.
FLASHBACK: when i went on vacation with them i was 16, my parents had to pick me up because of them. She was caught tanning on the beach with me, and got treated like crap for 3 days until i flipped. Exchanged words and got pushed around by her wimpy daddy that cant stand up for himself. Mom has the pants, very very tight in the family, like a military dictatorship lol.

Now, she wanted to confront them: "Treat me like a person or I'm out." she was going to be reasonable with them, and now she is backing out and forgiving them again. 4 days ago:"I knew you were right."-says the gf. This has happened an uncountable number of times, try about 30 at least.

By the way she would be living with me until we transfer to another college, and my parents treat her like their daughter, unlike hers. I even have gotten in trouble for putting my stuff up in her room. (all by myself, i suppose its sexual, i guess they think i like to play with myself in her room) and in her bathroom with her this time(door open), a month ago. they thought they had established this rule when we got together. Actually our first picture was taken by her mom sitting in the most godforsaken place: My gf's bed. Now you know a little bit of how dumb this lady is. I've somewhat figured that they can't accept that there little girl is growing up.

Also one of the reasons holding her back is her little sister, she loves her. little sister > big sister, everything is big sisters fault too, just thought i'd add that. Mom throws a fit everyday, cleans 90% of the time in clean spots, while doing what she does best: gripe. Other 10% is smoking cigarettes.

What can i do about this mess and how can i approach this? Do i confront her parents in place of her? How do i convince her to confront them? I'm tired of this girl being abused. Her parents are not fit to be parents. It seems as if she is addicted to emotional abuse. I need her to confront them for them to come clean on their wrongdoings and actions or just bluntly reply with a laugh so she can leave. That basically happens everytime she complains about how they treat her. All of this is basically "my fault", because she spends most of her time with me and her parents say she is selfish. She is clearly not thinking about herself in this situation. How do i get her to think about herself?

Thanks for your time reading this or attempting to read this, and thanks to all the MR community. Kinda long, sorry.

 

[®îçhå®?]

Kinda long, sorry.

How very true

Anyway, if she still loves her parents then she will keep forgiving them. It sounds like she wants to move away but is being held back. If you want to go and talk to them then that is fine but personally i think that this will give the mother something else to have a go at. You should convince her to talk to them. Do it at a time when she is still angry with them so that she does not want to stay with them and then just leave.
She may still love her little sister but then if she wants out from the family then she has to choose whether to completely leave or be able to spend time with her little sister. Either way it sounds like a tricky and also delicate situation

 

[macman2790]

yep, extremely delicate, especially when dealing with the household equivalent of Kim Jong Il.

 

[Queso]

Something very similar happened to a friend of mine in sixth form. The parents undermined every boyfriend she had, put her down and tried to control her at every point. They even kept her busy with irrelevant stuff during her exams, to the point she ended up failing them and couldn't go away to Uni as she'd planned (which was what the parents wanted). All the time she wanted out, but felt guilty because they were her parents, even though they were actually sabotaging her life.

In the end she got a degree from a local college, packed her bags with her boyfriend (now her husband) and left to live several hundred miles away. She doesn't see much of the folks anymore, and is a lot happier.

Hang in there, be supportive and don't pressure her. Any decision has to come from her own realisation.

 

[yojitani]

It doesn't sound like your gf is brainwashed, she knows the cause of her unhappiness. While it sounds as if you have a good relationship, you can't expect her to drop her parents because she wants to be with you - or because they don't like you. However, the way they treat her is clearly unacceptable.

What I would suggest, if this is workable, is to talk to your family about having her stay with you for awhile. It sounds like sex and a certain level of intimate contact between you two is unacceptable for her parents, so you need to handle this delicately. Perhaps have your parents reassure hers that she will be in a separate room etc.? Also, don't pressure your gf into anything. If she is unhappy at home, then the best thing you can do is help her find alternatives.

Also, I'm just wondering if there are religious or cultural issues here that you didn't mention?

Good luck.

YT

 

[0098386]

I think my girlfriend had a similar experience, I think brainwashing is a little extreme in my case. there was a lot of pregnancies at her school and her mum is a strict catholic. Before we met she was basically bombarded with messages telling her sex was in no way good. Don't really want to go into the details but It took us 6 months before she was ready to kiss. But I waited as I felt I should and everything turned out really well in the end.

I really don't know what to do in your case. You don't want to make her hate her parents, but they're not being that good for her right now. I'm sure in the end she'll make her own decision. Either way going off to College will help, that level of independance will let her blossom.

 

[CanadaRAM]

1) the parents aren't going to change, become reasonable, or magically see the light
2) your GF is not going to be able to throw off her love, guilt, loyalty and sense of obligation to her parents just like that
3) You cannot 'make' this situation 'right' or persuade her to 'see' that she has to take a stand.

She has to come to this on her own. Not standing up to or rejecting her parents, but working out her own solution to living her own life, which includes her parents and young sister.

If she does not have a counselling professional that she can talk to, she should seek one out, through school or church or community services.

1) You are not that counselling person. You are a player in this, you have much to offer her , but you are not in a position to provide unbiased advice.
2) What she needs may not exactly coincide with your future planning - if so please respect that and accommodate.

 

[MacNut]

Tell her to stick up for what she wants and not allow her parents to run her life. If she is not old enough to make her own decisions now then she never will in the future. Once a person turns 18 then the parents really don't have a say in the matter.

 

[®îçhå®?]

Tell her to stick up for what she wants and not allow her parents to run her life. If she is not old enough to make her own decisions now then she never will in the future. Once a person turns 18 then the parents really don't have a say in the matter.

I think that the OP is suggesting that she has a loyalty to her family and not that they are forcing her to live with them, and having a go at her is probably not the wisest thing to do

 

[Cicero]

How about you stay the **** out of another family's business? Where I come from (Greece), if you **** with another persons family you get dealt with.

 

[Teh Don Ditty]

How about you stay the **** out of another family's business? Where I come from (Greece), if you **** with another persons family you get dealt with.

And clearly you got dealt with.

Anyways, back on topic. This is tough situation for the both of you. I think it rests on her shoulders to tell her parents what she thinks and how she feels. By you jumping in, it could quite possible make things worse.

Best of luck to the both of you.

 

[Thomas Veil]

How about you stay the **** out of another family's business? Where I come from (Greece), if you **** with another persons family you get dealt with.

Well, wasn't that good advice.

Anyway.

Your girlfriend is obviously conflicted. I don't know that telling her parents anything is going to help, aside from relieving your frustration. It's actually going to come down to how long you're willing to wait for her to make up her mind who's more important to her: you or her parents. She could break away from her parents tomorrow, or she could still be doing this routine when she's 27. No way to tell. And it doesn't help that they parents are using the little sister for emotional blackmail. So in the end, only you know how long you're willing to wait for her to make that break with her family.

Incidentally, please don't take this as an attack, but that was one of the most painful posts I've ever read. You're in college and you write like this, with run-on sentences and poor spelling? You seem to be pouring out your thoughts in random order, instead of trying to present a cogent argument. And some parts of your post ("Her parents go behind her back and keep telling people they dont know real well, and it comes back to them.") were fairly incomprehensible. You're likely to get a lot more responses if you take the time to compose your thoughts and lay them out well.

That said, you at least made more sense than Cicero.

 

[macmama]

macman2790, it sounds like your GF really has a full plate. She's got a crazy family, and she herself is still quite young to be making big life decisions like "do I go out on my own and not look back" or "how do I stand up for myself in these situations".

If you love her that much, stick by her be there for her. Remember, if she is sticking with these people and you are sticking with her, you are by default, stuck with them. CanadaRAM is quite right when he says that you're an active player in this, and therefore not in the "counselor" role. It's always really difficult to reconcile the differences between our upbringings with our partners, but certainly, it's even harder when one of the partner has a lot of unwanted baggage. Ain't life fun?

You sound like a good guy, and I'm sure your GF is a really nice lady. Good luck to you both.

MM

 

[freebooter]

I'd say you need advice from P.G. Wodehouse's "Jeeves". Most of those stories deal with just such 'impossible' situations--young love, frustrated. Read them and, if nothing else, you may get a laugh or two, and possibly gain a little additional perspective and so step out of your role in the classic melodrama.

One strategy I've personally employed is to arrange for both sets of parents meet, potentially converting dangerous, interloping vagabond into grounded man of hearth and home.

Also, keep in mind that women, as they age, generally become rather more like their mothers than less--not always though.

 

[Abstract]

How about you stay the **** out of another family's business? Where I come from (Greece), if you **** with another persons family you get dealt with.

How do Greek families deal with idiots?

 

[Luis]

They ban them.

 

[macman2790]

INTERERESTING NEW DEVELOPMENT:

Thanks for the help, i've accomplished to get her to talk to them, you were right, THEY DIDNT CHANGE. Now, she is living with me, I got to stare down the barrel of a shotgun for the first time in my life. She called me and said, "pick me up..." phone hangs up, ripped out of hand. Dad starts beating her, while mom stares and watches. I get there with my father, i took him along because of the delicate situation.

History on her father: Thinks hes a bad*** because he beat a lot of people up in high school. He even bragged to my dad about this before, pretty good friends.

We get out and they tell us to leave and i see a shot gun and began to raise it. I said, "Since your such a bad*** beating people up in school, why do you need a weapon?" My dad is a pretty buff guy, not as buff as a bodybuilder, just shows you how scared this guy was. They yelled at us screaming various profanities, and said its a family situation, but they call me "part of the family". Then the dad starts chasing us with his shotgun while we are trying to leave(they have lots of land). Mom yelling, "Shoot (myName), shoot(myDadsName), Kill(myName), Kill(myDadsName), Kill them both!" We started peeling out like crazy in my truck, almost ran both of the morons over, and her dad got a huge gash in the side of his face for being stupid and chasing us while we were peeling out(pretty big rocks). Now my gf is living with me and her new name is "you know who", for her parents.

We got the police involved from multiple counties and they said to stop bombarding her in their house, and she has a right to leave. After all this the cops leave and they still refuse to let her go(she packed everything into her car while the cops were there). then they finally realized, "hey we're breaking the law." After all of this, no trouble for them, because it was their right to pull a gun on us "unlawful trespassers".

I cant wait til this gets around town, this guy is a well known man(a local plumber). We live in a small city, i think it will be the talk of the town in like 2 weeks, and then the church that my gf goes to will scorn their "perfect family." thats what they've always tried to prove and make everything seem like everythings a-Ok when everything is not so good. No wonder everyone quits this guys business, 2 rehired helpers quit in one week.

Pretty ****ed up right?

at least the brainwashing isn't so bad. Should rename the thread idiot pulls gun and idiot2 wants people dead....."part of our family". ........screw that

 

[Abstract]

That's messed up. I notice you're from Texas. Did your gf's father wear a cowboy hat while he was pointing the gun at you?

 

[macman2790]

That's messed up. I notice you're from Texas. Did your gf's father wear a cowboy hat while he was pointing the gun at you?

No but that would've been funny, he did look like an idiot hillbilly with that face he made though, and hes not one.

 

[Father Jack]

Pretty ****ed up right?

at least the brainwashing isn't so bad. Should rename the thread idiot pulls gun and idiot2 wants people dead....."part of our family". ........screw that

Right !!!

FJ

 

[macman2790]

Thanks guys for all the help(excluding the "greek moron", that has nothing nice to say). and no that isnt a racist gesture. All of you guys were awesome. I would've taken you guys advice but i was told to go pick her up, unfortuanately it had to end with a man running rampantly with a gun and another psycho screaming her head off.

Thanks.

 

[OutThere]

I get the feeling that going far away to college could be the best thing possible for her.

 

[Queso]

INTERERESTING NEW DEVELOPMENT:

Understated in the extreme. This may not yet be over. Watch your back.

 

[macman2790]

Understated in the extreme. This may not yet be over. Watch your back.

yeah, who's not to say this gun wielding psycho wouldn't come to my house? I'm ready for anything.

 

[MacNut]

yeah, who's not to say this gun wielding psycho wouldn't come to my house? I'm ready for anything.

I think you should try to get the little sister out of that house too.