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Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by Yumunum, Jan 17, 2012.
How do you achieve that deep REM sleep you had in your childhood?
Uneven, these days.
When I get a full night of sleep it’s amazing. Alas, not lately.
I do understand. And empathise. Pretty much completely.
Same here. I hope you have a restful sleep tonight.
Thank you. And likewise.
What you are going through - enduring - now is extraordinarily stressful.
Recognising it, and accepting it and adjusting to it - that changed relationship where the parent - the lodestar of one's life - becomes the dependent and looks to you for support and comfort becoming needy (and yes, selfish) in the process - is exceptionally stressful and upsetting - I found it excruciatingly agonising at first.
But, as with lobsters being boiled (the analogy used by the best student I ever taught, whose son is autistic) you adjust and acclimatise. You do, - you change - because you have to. But, you cannot do it without profound and transformational metamorphosis.
With the twenty-twenty vision of hindsight, if anyone had told me what lay ahead of me in 2011-2012, when I first had to take responsibility for my mother's care - something that marked the end of my "old life" as I knew it - I think I would have wanted to crawl under a rock and asked to be awakened when it was all over.
However, the emotional, or psychological "pay-off" perhaps bizarrely and paradoxically, is now.
Although shattered, grief-stricken, heartbroken and devastated, I am at peace, and am easy and tranquil with what happened - or rather, how it happened. There is grief but no guilt, sorrow but no regrets.
Now, I can look at myself in the mirror; yes, I am overweight, but - psychologically - I am at peace with myself and at ease in my own skin.
My mother's room has a lovely ambience and atmosphere - I have already mentioned how the auctioneer remarked last week on the atmosphere of the house, stressing that it was lovely - "you can tell that people were loved here".
When I do - finally - manage to fall asleep, the sleep is actually okay.
@Scepticalscribe thank you for constantly sharing those experiences.
I wish I was not so cranky, but I know that is par for the course. Thankfully mom and I ignore each other after a certain point. We understand.
That is part of the sleeplessness, it is also other things (physical changes etc.)
I am glad you are at peace with yourself.
Ah, I do know that crankiness; first hand.
My temper and fuse became terrifyingly short around 2012, and my tolerance and patience with fools vastly eroded.
You will shed (or they will shed themselves) those who are superfluous, who cannot give any support, who are terrified at the thought that they might be asked to do something, or who cannot even bear to listen to an occasional vented explosion from you.
You will not hear from them for years (some turned up at - or after - my mother's funeral).
Wheat from chaff - it is a brutal (but, at the time, very hurtful) culling experience. But useful, and necessary.
For this is how you learn who is worth staying in touch with. The real friends will show support in the subtle ways that they can.
What you must demand (and have every right to demand) from your mother is your right to your own space.
I have a vivid memory of throwing my mother out of my study one evening in 2012; she (who respected privacy, we are a family of introverts with a large, vast and considerable respect for personal and psychological space) had come in to me, to chat; she was (I now know) frightened and distressed and wanted reassurance.
Unfortunately, I was close to the end of my tether, stressed almost beyond endurance - I couldn't give her reassurance, that was what I wanted for myself - I wanted my mother to be a mother, not a frightened child - and I desperately wanted some privacy and space and peace . And so, I roared at her to get out and leave me alone, and she, poor thing, left silently to the living room where the television was.
Do I regret that? Of course.
However, do I also remind myself that we did a brilliant job of minding my mother and caring for her at home with love until the end of her days, and that we are human, not divine, and thus, far from perfect.
I roared at her rarely - that was the only time that wasn't occasioned as a result of a nocturnal ramble, and, in the wider scheme of things, it matters not at all.
You have to be kind to yourself and be gentle with yourself, @kazmac; perfection is not possible, but, you know, what is good enough, when delivered with care and love, is more than good enough.
I usually sleep a lot better then I sometimes think. Especially when I think I need more. Have a sleep tracker on my pulsclock is really great. It’s pretty accurate too.
Both meditation and ashtanga increases sleep quality.
If I get around 60+ hrs good sleep every week I’m happy, and I do.
I’ve realized that if I get a few nights a week of longer like 10-12 hrs sleep, some shorter sleep nights is fine too. It’s the deep and undisturbed sleep that really matters though.