Worried about my Mum..

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by eyemacg5, Jul 17, 2008.

  1. eyemacg5 macrumors 6502

    eyemacg5

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2006
    Location:
    Derbyshire, England
    #1
    Shes 45, I'm 16, I've finished school a couple of weeks ago and now I'm working every weekday. She works 3 12hour shifts a week.

    All the time she seems to be angry, earlier tonight we had a big arguement, she asked me to turn my light off because she wanted to sleep. My response was "Ok, in a minute", I was getting my bag ready for work, and she just snapped and started shouting at me. I tell her that I'm getting my bag ready for work I won't be long and she's fine.

    After my light was off she went into my brothers room, it was a mess, and she started shouting at him. This confused me not only because she wanted to sleep but why bring the fact up when he is supposed to be sleeping as it was about 10.30pm and he has school tomorrow and he's 13.

    I asked her why she's always angry and she said its because all she ever does is clean and all we (me and my brother) ever do is make a mess.

    This isn't true I try to help around the house as much as I can as well as working 10 hours a day and I can't seem to do anything right, ever.

    This morning she asked me to put a t shirt away the minute I was leaving for work, literally just got down the stairs about to go out the door, I said when I got home from work I would. Totally forgot about it, tonight about 10.30 again she says she's asked me loads and I still haven't done it and it's been there all day. I remind her (as politely as I can, I'm getting rather stressed out at this point) that I've been at work and putting one t shirt away isn't particularly a priority when getting in from a long day. She then goes on to say that her ironing my clothes isn't going to be a priority of hers then, comparing ironing my clothes, which she has done for the past almost 17 years, to putting one t shirt away.

    She always seems angry and it worries me.
    I want to help her but don't know how, and if I say anything to her about it I always feel bad because I feel like I've patronized her.
     
  2. Next Tuesday macrumors 6502a

    Next Tuesday

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2006
    Location:
    Orlando,FL
    #2
    Take it from me, some moms just like to bxxxh and moan all the time, its like they get off on it or something. You can do everything right and she will still complain about something. Its more of the fact that shes not happy with her own life and takes it out on you or whoever she can. Theres really nothing you can do. Try it for a week, do everything ur supposed to do when ur supposed to do it and see if she still complains about anything and everything. Im guessing she will.
     
  3. skunk macrumors G4

    skunk

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2002
    Location:
    Republic of Ukistan
    #3
    One way or another, it's probably hormones. Either the stress of living around two hormonal teenagers, or possibly the onset of menopause.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menopause

    Read, mark, learn and inwardly digest, as the good book says.
     
  4. gentlegiantcrai macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2007
    #4
    I second that. The best way for me, is just to say "Your Right. And I'm Sorry"
    And just do whatever she says, whenever she says.
     
  5. Mr_Brightside_@ macrumors 68020

    Mr_Brightside_@

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2005
    Location:
    The 6ix
    #5
    I second that. You don't have to like what you do but you should still do it. It will help. And pay attention to little things that you otherwise don't do, they add up and they are appreciated.
     
  6. eyemacg5 thread starter macrumors 6502

    eyemacg5

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2006
    Location:
    Derbyshire, England
    #6
    I didn't want to read that and think about my mum...
    And yeah I forgot to mention its just her, my brother and I living here.
    She split up with her husband (not my brothers nor my father) about two years now and that isn't affecting her.
     
  7. redwarrior macrumors 603

    redwarrior

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2008
    Location:
    in the Dawg house
    #7
    Either you didn't say or I didn't notice, but are you paying rent? Why not iron your own clothes? (I mean that in a good way, I'm not judging you.) I'm guessing she's single? That can be hard on a woman trying to raise teenagers and run a household while working. You should stop worrying about what's wrong with her and do something really nice for her. Buy her a day at a spa, or take her to a nice meal, or a movie, just to show her that you love her and appreciate what she does.

    Yes, I'm a mom, 41 years old, with a 16 year old daughter. She doesn't understand me all the time, but I do understand her most of the time, even though she doesn't think so!:rolleyes: I ask her to do a lot of housework (I work at home and she sees it as my playing on the computer for 16 hours a day!), but I am teaching her responsibility. When she is on her own, she will have to work, cook, clean house, do laundry, pay bills, figure out budgeting, etc.

    Also, it is possible that your mom has started menopause, but who knows for sure. Are you close enough to her to sit down and talk to her? Not when this happens, but during a time when both of you are relaxed? Just while you are hanging out at home, sit down with her and tell her you have noticed that she is tense and seems to be upset, and ask her if there's anything she wants to talk about. Does she have friends to talk to?

    I know, that was a lot to take in; just going over things in my head that I wanted you to think about. Sorry!
     
  8. eyemacg5 thread starter macrumors 6502

    eyemacg5

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2006
    Location:
    Derbyshire, England
    #8
    No I don't pay rent but I haven't been asked to neither do I iron my own clothes but I usually cook for my self and try to keep the house tidy when she isn't in.

    I'll take her out somewhere some time next week, your advice has helped me.

    Thanks =]
     
  9. gentlegiantcrai macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2007
    #9
    Surprise her with something else too besides the dinner, maybe some flowers, or her favorite beverage. I will sometimes get my mother her favorite drink from starbucks, and deliver it to her work, and if she asks why, I usually just say Just because.
     
  10. gonyr macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2006
    Location:
    Niagara County, NY
    #10
    You may as well learn it now - the woman is always right. It doesn't matter if it's your mother, your girlfriend, or eventually your wife. As a guy, I can honestly say that once I learned this, life got a lot easier. I don't mean you should automatically cave in on everything, but learn to choose your battles. A t-shirt on the floor isn't one that's worth it. Save the argument for when you want to go on a trip with your friends and no adult supervision. Once you're married, give in on the vacuuming or similar, stay strong on the new big screen (or power tools, or motorcyle, or whatever floats your boat).
     
  11. gentlegiantcrai macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2007
    #11
    You cant be anymore right. Definitely a life lesson as a guy.
     
  12. LeahM macrumors 6502a

    LeahM

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2008
    #12
    Definitely sounds like Menopause, is she hot alot? Does she sweat more then normal? My mom went through this and it was... difficult. There really isn't anything you can do about it, unless you want to lace her drinks with estrogen... I would strongly suggest against it. But when she asks you to do something, do it right away, give yourself 10 minutes before you need to go to work, 10 minutes before, Tell her you have 10 minutes and if there is anything you can do for her. She'll appreciate it. That and buy her some flowers, make her feel appreciated, I mean, 17 years shes raised you to be a nice hard working boy, shes gotta be doing something right.
     
  13. redwarrior macrumors 603

    redwarrior

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2008
    Location:
    in the Dawg house
    #13
    How old are you guys? Honestly, I don't think that this is going to teach anything. This is a teenager who is learning how to live with his mother. Yes, she is a woman, but looking at this as a man relating to a woman is way off. He has to respect his mother and step up and show that he is learning to be a man.

    Btw, OP, offering to help with the bills (don't know if you can do that or not) will show that you are thinking about it without her asking - which is the adult thing to do. And, it will ease her mind, knowing that you are thinking about the future.

    Edit: LeahM, I agree completely.
     
  14. d_and_n5000 macrumors 6502a

    d_and_n5000

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2005
    #14
    Gonyr's nugget of wisdom is a good one. Life is made easier for everyone when for the little things, you just give in. Save your energy fighting the key battles, not the little ones that don't matter in the long run.
     
  15. Surely Guest

    Surely

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2007
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    #15
    You can start helping by ironing your own clothes. Give her one less annoying thing- that she's done for you for the past 17 years- to do every day.
     
  16. furious macrumors 65816

    furious

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2006
    Location:
    Australia
    #16
    Get her to a doctor.

    There is a lot that can be done about menopause. herbal remedies work for some while others will need a stronger pharmaceutical remedy.

    Also mention to her that her constant angry is affecting you negatively.
     
  17. redwarrior macrumors 603

    redwarrior

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2008
    Location:
    in the Dawg house
    #17
    You have never raised teenagers have you? Please don't recommend to a 16-year-old that he should get his mother to a doctor! We don't live with them in their house, and their experiences are soooo common. This is perfectly normal.

    It's not right to assume that a woman in her 40's is experiencing menopause simply because her teenage child doesn't understand her actions. I can assure you that she does not understand his as well. Please think about whether you are qualified to give advice before you so strongly prescribe it.
     
  18. Keebler macrumors 68030

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2005
    Location:
    Canada
    #18
    hang in there. grin and bear it. try to help out and if she asks to pick up a shirt, as annoying as it is, bolt back up those stairs and git 'er done.

    I have 7 and 4 year old boys and I was the most patient, Type B (very laid back kind of guy).

    Now, i'm way towards Type A. As a parent, as much as I try to be patient, I find i'm repeating myself and lessons all the time. it's not like i'm a commander or anything, but kids (this young) don't know squat or very little so they have to be guided and it's frustrating to be doing and saying the same things over and over. It's getting better as the 7 year is maturing a bit and the 4 year old is picking up on it. I know the teens years will be fun... doh!

    So, my advice is that, ya, buy your Mum some flowers or take her out and don't be afraid to talk to her too. Let her know how you feel. You won't be patronizing her. Communication is important. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's good, but as long as it's in the open.

    cheers,
    Keebler
     
  19. Surely Guest

    Surely

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2007
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    #19
    Agreed x100. And I've never raised teenagers.

    shhhh.... stop making sense....... ;)
     
  20. redwarrior macrumors 603

    redwarrior

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2008
    Location:
    in the Dawg house
    #20
    FYI, if it is menopause... menopause does not equal insanity or irrationality
     
  21. amandasaurus macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2008
    #21
    I seriously doubt menopause has anything to do with it. I'm guessing it's just stress and exhaustion taking their toll. I agree with the suggestions on here to try to step up with chores around the house. Not saying you don't do your part already, but if your mom's this stressed, lightening the load for a while could do a world of good.
     
  22. Peterkro macrumors 68020

    Peterkro

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2004
    Location:
    Communard de Londres
    #22
    eyemacg5, it might be an idea to find a time when you and your mother have some time and talk to her about this, I'm sure you both want things to be less stressful.Whilst I understand that starting work and so on is difficult for you I'm sure you can see your mothers point of view,she's looked after you all your life, you are an adult now, your clothes ironing etc are your responsibility and you need to take care of that stuff. Try and come to some arrangement as to when you'll cook possibly those days when your mum works 12 hour shifts. when you've sorted that out a bit maybe you both can talk to your brother about his responsibility to keep his room tidy etc.

    I wouldn't go down the buying flowers route as your mother will probably feel patronised and pissed off. If you want to buy or make her something all to the good but give it's some thought,don't just make an empty gesture.

    I'm quite startled by skunks menopause suggestion and while it may possibly be something your mother is dealing with don't bring it up,if she wants to discuss something like that with you she'll bring it up and I'm guessing that's probably not a factor anyway.Best of luck.
     
  23. furious macrumors 65816

    furious

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2006
    Location:
    Australia
    #23
    I currently am raising two teenage boys and a 12-yo girl.

    Why my life is not stressful with teenagers: I trust my children, I gave them the tools early in their life to make their own decisions, We speak openly about issues that affect us. I am not naive to believe my children will not make bad decisions or that I know everything that goes on in their life. I have my secrets and they have theirs. Just like how my wife has hers.

    My wife also went through menopause and what I experienced is what this kid is describing.

    If this is not normal behaviour of your mother then it is not normal. Get her to see someone about it.
     
  24. Peterkro macrumors 68020

    Peterkro

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2004
    Location:
    Communard de Londres
    #24
    I think the problem here is the leaping to the assumption this is related to Menopause. First off there is no such thing as normal behavior people react and respond to their environment in different ways at different times.Having a teenage boy and a young adult living with you is enough to make the most placid woman feel some stress.I'm not saying it's not a factor it may be but why leap to it first without thinking of other more likely explanations.Defining a woman by her hormonal state is misogynistic and likely to lead to a very righteous denunciation of your status as a human being.:)
     
  25. Mousse macrumors 68000

    Mousse

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2008
    Location:
    Flea Bottom, King's Landing
    #25
    Wow, you guys are good a reading between the lines. Menopause? Women are always right? (that's true, but still:p)

    I'm more of a tell it to me straight, don't make me guess sort.

    Seems pretty straight forward to where the problem lies: Break down in communication. She tells him to do something, at an inopportune time. He forgets, she gets angry. Mom feels like someone's being a typical teenager, bucking authority and thinking he knows everything (typical teen behavior:p). Here's a simple solution: Buy a chalk board/whiteboard and ask her write a "To Do" list on said chalkboard/whiteboard. Once you've completed the task, wipe it from the board.:)
     

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