Yep, it's another thread about a girlfriend...

[Raid]

haiggy I don't want to scare you or anything but when I was about 16/17 years old I was asked by my then girlfriend to "...accept God and Christianity into your heart or burn in hell." That one phrase ended our relationship right there. I simply said "If that's what you think, I'd rather burn in hell." and walked out the door. (one of the attributing factors in my Agnostism <-if that's a word)

People only change because they want to, push too much and bad things happen... but I bet you know that. Your parents are trying to guide you but may not understand that faith doesn't mean compatibility, and doesn't stop love.

Your family (maybe you too) needs to realize you're 17! While it's nice to think that you will get married to this girl, you both will have a lot of 'growth experinces' in the next 5 to 7 years! Focus on the short term and let the long term figure itself out.

As an example, I know a jewish guy who was dating a christian (non-catholic) girl. His family threw a fit when they found out (apparently Judisim is passed to the child by the mother) and refused to support the relationship. When they got engaged the family turned up the pressure on the girlfriend to leave or convert. Eventually she cracked and handed back the ring to my buddy. That night he told her that it didn't matter what religion she was, but that she believed in the two of them and put the ring back on her finger. The parents backed off and about a year later she told him that she wanted to convert! She said the lack of pressure gave her time to think for herself and she wanted to go through the process on her own volition. They've now been married for 4 years with one kid and another on the way. While religion is a part of their lives, my buddy still thinks they'd be as happily married today if she did not convert, because they're still the same people underneath the labels.

Now forget about all this and just have a good time with your girlfriend!

 

[haiggy]

Thanks... thats what I see too. There needs to be a lack of pressure. My parents need to back off... but she isn't going to keep going in the relationship when she feels as if she isn't good enough for them. She cares about what they think.

 

[brepublican]

The truth is that, love overcomes all obstacles. It may be more convenient for her to be of the same faith as yourself, go to the same church, etc. But if its real love, not even that can stand in your way. Idealistic? Maybe.

Geez, and I thought being a homo was difficult.

Way to jump out of the closet there, iGary.

Busting chops today. Ask anyone

 

[vniow]

Way to jump out of the closet there, iGary.

Erm, iGary's been out of the closet for quite some time...

 

[brepublican]

Oh.

 

[SmurfBoxMasta]

I was born and raised in a Christian home and was taught that a Christian should not marry a Non-Christian.

If this is what you were taught, then either your parents, or the people in your "church", were on some seriously good drugs......

And, if you were/are stupid enough to believe those teachings, then the effects were apparently transferred to you genetically

And if you are still stupid enough to let them run your life, apparently the damage was permanent......

You MUST explore & examine your own faith & beliefs, as well as those of your GF, and see if can honestly come to a sort of middle ground. If you can, then great, move forward with your relationship and be happy, and dont worry about what anyone else thinks.....

If you cannot, then end it now, before either of you gets seriously hurt, and move on.

But I can tell you 2 things from personal experience:

A) Force feeding of ANY religion is terribly W R ON G, D E C E I T F U L, and a V E R Y bad way to screw up an otherwise good relationship........

B) Inter-Faith relationships CAN & DO work, IF both parties are willing to accept each other as human beings, not as religous trophies...

I know this because: I am christian, my wife of 22 years is Moslem

 

[agreenster]

Dude, just date her. I havent read all the posts, but this is simple. You're REALLY young to be worried about this. Chances are you wont marry her, so what's the worry? If you do decide to get married someday, hopefully you'll be much older and wiser and these answers will come much easier for you.

After you get out of the house and go to college or whatever, your beliefs and your parents beliefs become two totally seperate things.

 

[iGary]

The truth is that, love overcomes all obstacles. It may be more convenient for her to be of the same faith as yourself, go to the same church, etc. But if its real love, not even that can stand in your way. Idealistic? Maybe.


Way to jump out of the closet there, iGary.

Busting chops today. Ask anyone

I like a good chop busting. Keeps me in line.

 

[iGary]

Dude, just date her. I havent read all the posts, but this is simple. You're REALLY young to be worried about this. Chances are you wont marry her, so what's the worry? If you do decide to get married someday, hopefully you'll be much older and wiser and these answers will come much easier for you.

After you get out of the house and go to college or whatever, your beliefs and your parents beliefs become two totally seperate things.

Best post yet.

 

[haiggy]

Dude, just date her. I havent read all the posts, but this is simple. You're REALLY young to be worried about this. Chances are you wont marry her, so what's the worry? If you do decide to get married someday, hopefully you'll be much older and wiser and these answers will come much easier for you.

After you get out of the house and go to college or whatever, your beliefs and your parents beliefs become two totally seperate things.

I know but she doesn't want a relationship that isn't "going anywhere" which is understandable.

 

[agreenster]

It isnt going nowhere. Develop the relationship in a normal, healthy way and cross bridges when you come to them. If you both really want to stay in this thing, you will-despite what anyone's parents think.

Just be patient and polite with your parents. Don't get mad and all "Romeo and Juliet" on them. You arent the only one with in-law woes, trust me. Just tell them that you like this girl, and you arent going to break up with her just because she isnt Christian Marriage Material. Your parents wont divorce you. They'll be mad for a while, but then they'll come around because parents adjust when they realize they love their children. They will even probably get to like her as well. She must have some redeeming qualities if you are so into her, and you are as religious as your parents are.

Believe it or not, you are the catalyst in this situation. As long as YOU stay calm, both your girl and your parents will too. If you freak out and cause drama, they'll follow in suit.

I know what I'm talking about because I'm a preacher's kid, and have seen this a bunch of times. Trust me, my parents and I have completely different beliefs, and we get along pretty well.

 

[2nyRiggz]

dude i know what u mean and how you feel. i was also brought up like this and it can be hard to date someone thats not in the church but this girl does seem as if shes willing to give it a shot. tell her how you feel and go with it, thats not focing.

Bless

 

[eva01]

do not try to force your beliefs on her, for the love of everything don't do that. I told my girlfriend the second she tries to we are going on a little trip and i am dropping her off in another state and leaving, not coming back to get her either.

 

[silverback66]

Frankly it doesn't sound like your faith is all that important to you anyway, so if that's the case then do what you want. If it's not the case you've got some more thinking to do and I would advice you not to seek spiritual advice from those who don't believe in God.

 

[pseudobrit]

I know but she doesn't want a relationship that isn't "going anywhere" which is understandable.

Chances are good she's incapable of sustaining a relationship with anyone that will "go anywhere" because she's 19.

 

[haiggy]

Frankly it doesn't sound like your faith is all that important to you anyway, so if that's the case then do what you want. If it's not the case you've got some more thinking to do and I would advice you not to seek spiritual advice from those who don't believe in God.

I don't know if it is important in my life at the moment. That's what makes a lot of this so difficult.

 

[Lau]

I don't know if it is important in my life at the moment. That's what makes a lot of this so difficult.

Forgive me if this is nonsense, as this is coming from a pretty much lifelong athiest, but if you don't feel it is that important in your life at the moment, why does it have to be? I see my friends, family and interests as the most important things in my life, but I know they come and go. What suits you at 7 may not suit you at 17, but may suit you again at 27. If religion is a lifelong commitment, can't you let it wax and wane a little? I'm not saying give it up completely, but you can still practice as a Christian without it being the most dominant thing in your life.

Again, forgive me if this not what you're about.

 

[Abstract]

At 17, I was pushing my parents away pretty firmly and making sure they knew where the new boundaries were, and they seemed to be able to adjust pretty quickly to my independence movement.

I'd just tell my parents to back off. Seriously, WTF is up with them talking about marriage when you're 17? You're not getting married until you're in your 20s anyway, so just tell them to back off and not worry about who you date. When the time comes for you to marry, you'll be a man and you won't have to listen to their ideas on potential mates.

Agreed with all of the above.

The thing about people is that not everybody is the same. You're not like your brother/sister (if you have any), and you're probably not like your parents. I'm not like my brother, and so I wouldn't expect to be treated like my brother is. I'm more independent and opinionated. They argued with me a lot when I was 17-19, but eventually they realized that we're just different people who do things differently, and like Pseudobrit said, they'll adjust to your personality eventually. They have to.

Heck, I would have gone over to her dorm room by now as well, and if my parents asked, I would have told my parents. I don't wanna lie, now do I? They would have gone off on me a for a little while (ie: a few months) and tried to tell me what I can and can't do with my gf and my life, but I would have just calmly told them that I know why they're concerned (ie: sex before marriage, etc), but that they're gonna have to trust me when I tell them that "nothing" is going on. That would also not be a lie.

They don't have to like everything you do. They just have to accept the fact that you're an individual who will make his own choices, some of which they won't like. They're not livingy your life.

And don't follow your religion so closely if you don't take it all so seriously like they do. Tell your parents that, but make sure they understand that it's not your girlfriend's influence. Tell them you have felt this way for awhile.

 

[lanray]

10 cents

I read most of the previous posts. I dated someone who was athiest a while back. We got along ok, but I felt that something was kind of missing in my life - we just never talked about faith, which was important to me. I'm not "bible thumping" religious, but I think that my faith plays a role in the decision I make, and we just couldn't relate on that level. That being said, there ended up being hosts of other reasons not to continue the relationship; my discomfort in the area of shared faith was merely a marker for some deeper issues.

Spend more time with this lovely person. You like her. Don't think about the future, about questions of wasting your time. Enjoy the relationship. If you're hanging out with her and the perfect someone else passes, your attention will veer. If not, you may find your answer with time, anyways.

I'm 33 (34 in 5 days!), and one thing I wish I'd done is just to enjoy the person I was dating, instead of fixing on the future. Relationship are neat. If you don't end up marrying this person, you'll at least know a bit about her perspective, and what motivates her. That's something good in and of itself. You'll find the right one (I did 2 years ago - that would be giving yourself 13 years!).

Oh, and don't take advice from a bunch of Mac Geeks

 

[OutThere]

Having been there myself, I'm sure you are worried about rotting in hell™ if you turn away from the church on this. Save yourself some time, we're only given a short time on this planet, seems awfully selfish to discard people to save your own afterlife.

I think that this quote has been under-noticed in this thread. Being semi-agnostic myself (I believe there is/was a higher power but don't want to deal with organized religion etc etc), I think this statement has so many implications on society today it deserves a second look.

I'd just tell my parents to back off. Seriously, WTF is up with them talking about marriage when you're 17? You're not getting married until you're in your 20s anyway, so just tell them to back off and not worry about who you date. When the time comes for you to marry, you'll be a man and you won't have to listen to their ideas on potential mates.

+

Dude, just date her. I havent read all the posts, but this is simple. You're REALLY young to be worried about this. Chances are you wont marry her, so what's the worry? If you do decide to get married someday, hopefully you'll be much older and wiser and these answers will come much easier for you.

After you get out of the house and go to college or whatever, your beliefs and your parents beliefs become two totally seperate things.

I think that these two quotes make up what you should really get out of this thread. Even if this relationship lasts for 5+ more years, you should take pleasure in being in love, and enjoy what you have know. Don't let your parents control your life, and take a little advice from my signature.

 

[haiggy]

Thanks to all of you for your support, comments and suggestions. You all have some very interesting views. I think I got out of this what I need, but also talking to my girlfriend has helped a lot. We decided to forget the whole no seeing each other or talking to each other for a week thing. I couldn't stand 12 hours of not talking to her when she was right there online. So she messaged me saying "Can I call you?" I said, "Yeah sure... I was just about to give in and say something to you"

So we talked on the phone for an hour... maybe two. She said she wanted to see me. I explained the situation to my parents and they decided that I could go over to her dorm room to talk to her (I mentioned before that I'm not supposed to be there... so at least they are understanding SOME things). Her and I talked. When I am around her the situation seems different then when I am not. When I am with her I have fun and don't worry about it like some of you guys have suggested, but when we are apart I keep thinking.

In the end, she's decided that she is going to try coming to church with my family. She's going to see if she can do it... for 'us.' Now I know there is pressure there... and I keep telling her I don't want to force this on her but she insists that she tries it. However, if she just can't do it (after giving it a valiant attempt), we are just going to move on and continue on with the relationship without the opinion of my parents, but on what we together want. We will go from there, and see how that goes before any actual talk of getting married goes.

I've talked to her on the phone for the past two days for over 10+ hours. Tonight was another 4.5 hrs. I think it's good that we are able to talk. Things seem to be good again - for now at least. She isn't crying, overreacting to anything... everything is calm and rational. She said she wants to see me again tomorrow (technically later today ) But in the end, whatever is supposed to happen will happen... I am sure of that.

 

[ChrisWB]

I think it's good that we are able to talk. Things seem to be good again - for now at least. She isn't crying, overreacting to anything... everything is calm and rational.

Enjoy it while it lasts. It's like being in the eye of the storm.

I hope everything works out for you two. If nothing else, this'll teach you how to approach future relationships.

 

[sushi]

Enjoy it while it lasts. It's like being in the eye of the storm.

I hope everything works out for you two. If nothing else, this'll teach you how to approach future relationships.

Wise words indeed.

Good luck haiggy!

 

[Abstract]

I know that it's too soon to say this, but it seems things have turned out well.


Don't read my sig.

 

[Deepdale]

... I've talked to her on the phone for the past two days for over 10+ hours. Tonight was another 4.5 hrs. I think it's good that we are able to talk.

I must give you lots of credit for speaking on the phone that long. That is a true test of endurance and probably well beyond what most people could do. Your lines of communication are indeed open. I hope the phone carrier gives you some courtesy shares of stock in the company. Your theme song as a couple should be "Don't Hang Up."