Yet Another Mom Problem

[Kardashian]

Sorry, don't have time to read the whole thread.

Let's just say when it comes to parents and problems - Jerry Springer and Trisha have nothing on me.

I packed my bags when I was 12, and left the next day.

I changed my name to get away from my Mother when I was 13.

From that day on, I have no had association with her whatsoever.

We've had spells where we've talked - but not for long. She's too happy to remember she has a first-born child (me), when she's got my Stepdad, and the 2 perfect little children she's had with him.

Last communication I had with her was a text message on results day saying "I hope you've failed".

She had a very, very nasty phone call that night when I was pissed out of my mind - celebrating my A, B and C in my A-Levels.

I believe the conversation went something like "I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire - you're no mother to me."

If you truly think you are in the right and your mother is in the wrong - do something about it. Your 18. bag it up, pick it up - and move it on. You and your life.

My mother told me I wouldn't lose weight, wouldn't pass my exams, wouldn't take a gap year, and wouldn't pass my driving test.

8 stone, 3 A-Levels and 6 weeks until I go travelling around the world (and with my driving test in 2 weeks) - I sure proved her wrong.

 

[ravenvii]

You're 18.

That means you're a senior in high school right? If so, you have only a few months to go. Then you'll be either off to college or off to live your own life.

So just suck it up, smile and nod at your mom, and just stick it out.

In other words, grow a pair.

 

[Xfujinon]

I think the prevailing idea here is that you can either accept your lot, grumble about it, or move out and take a chance.

Much of the outcome will depend on your attitude.

From my vantage point, people's description of horrible home life do not impress me. My mother would be diagnosed with some psychiatric disease in a microsecond if she ever went to a doctor. However, she maintains her fantasy universe of perfection (mind you she believes everyone ELSE is insane... pathological in the extreme).

My mother physically assaulted me several dozen times between the ages of 11 and 18. When I turned 18, the very day, I vowed that the next time that happened I would be gone. It happened. I left.

In the beginning, it sucks. Stigma is a pain in the ass, the whole "broken home" thing. I still graduated as a valedictorian, and still got into grad school, and so on and so forth. I am now happily married, and believe that I am well on the way to cleansing my memory of any unpleasantness associated with my mother.

Keep things in perspective; it could always be worse. Consider your options carefully. More often than not, it is wiser to take the high ground- don't fight back, don't make a scene, just leave. Trust me, this is punishment enough to them without taking the time to enthusiastically pound their face in (which may sound like a good idea in the back of your mind, but it definitely isn't).

Consider your options. I feel for you. Take care.

 

[Kardashian]

I think the prevailing idea here is that you can either accept your lot, grumble about it, or move out and take a chance.

Much of the outcome will depend on your attitude.

From my vantage point, people's description of horrible home life do not impress me. My mother would be diagnosed with some psychiatric disease in a microsecond if she ever went to a doctor. However, she maintains her fantasy universe of perfection (mind you she believes everyone ELSE is insane... pathological in the extreme).

My mother physically assaulted me several dozen times between the ages of 11 and 18. When I turned 18, the very day, I vowed that the next time that happened I would be gone. It happened. I left.

In the beginning, it sucks. Stigma is a pain in the ass, the whole "broken home" thing. I still graduated as a valedictorian, and still got into grad school, and so on and so forth. I am now happily married, and believe that I am well on the way to cleansing my memory of any unpleasantness associated with my mother.

Keep things in perspective; it could always be worse. Consider your options carefully. More often than not, it is wiser to take the high ground- don't fight back, don't make a scene, just leave. Trust me, this is punishment enough to them without taking the time to enthusiastically pound their face in (which may sound like a good idea in the back of your mind, but it definitely isn't).

Consider your options. I feel for you. Take care.

Good for you.

An inspiration

 

[0098386]

I know someone who can help

But in all seriousness. If she took your items then just go take them back and move out. It's hard to believe she just took them for no reason, there must be some motive behind it? *other than just sleeping in late*

 

[saltyzoo]

I know someone who can help

But in all seriousness. If she took your items then just go take them back and move out. It's hard to believe she just took them for no reason, there must be some motive behind it?

Might want to read the post before dispensing advice. He said he was up late and it was a punishment.

 

[synth3tik]

She scolds me for doing poorly in school, but when I do stuff right I get nothing

Hate to tell you, but this maybe the single best thing your mother can do. Trust me you get out into the working world looking for affection from your boss, looking for them to give you a pat on the back you will fail.

Legally you live at your mother's home and your her kid, she can do as she pleases, your 18, you could move out if you really figured that would be the best idea.

Your mother is not as insane as you may think. Hell thats the way I felt 10 years ago. Now my mother and I make sure to meet up once a week for breakfast.

 

[0098386]

You must be refreshing this page quite often I added my edit in about 30 seconds after posting.

Another edit-

If I'm late up then my mum would let the schools/work punishment be the only punishment. Docked pay, a bad mark here. What's the point in getting in trouble twice? She'd just tell me I was going to be late and to try and think up a good excuse on the way there.

 

[canadagrad]

You're spoiled. Suck it up, grow a pair and become a man. Learn your responsibilities and DO THEM.

Exactly.

Im actually kind of embarrassed to even respond to this kids mopping but listen: You ARE spoiled!! Suck it up you slacker and get out of bed and to school. When youre finished school, go to college or university, or get a job and move out. Then you can a.) avoid your mother and b.) pay for your own fancy gifts instead of relying on her to bring them back from France for you.

Sorry to be harsh, but Ive seen enough Undergrads driving their parent's BMW to school and living a culture of entitlement and then whining when life doesn't go their own way. Im sick of it.
EMO. Bleah!

If those are the most pressing problems you've got, I envy you.

Look: if you paid for the computer, yeah , its yours, but maybe your mother is trying to teach you a lesson so that you make it through school decently and become someone successful and happy in life. Thank says to me that she does care.

 

[Sirus The Virus]

There's more to this story I think. I'd like to hear your Mom's side, I've got a feeling that there's a lot of things that you're not telling us. I'd bet on it that you're just irresponsible. You're Mom wouldn't take something for no reason. But judging from what you've told us..... grow a pair, be responsible, do what she tells you to do (even if it is bs, at least it'll make her happy). Also, you're still in high school, and I have little respect for most high school students, this story is so cliché. Grow up, be a man.

 

[mactastic]

Move out. Pay your own bills. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but until you are paying your own way your mom gets a say over your life.

I know that age is hard. My parents and I hardly spoke for a couple of years around then, and I moved out for very similar reasons to those you express. It's the nature of that last step towards independence.

 

[plumosa]

There's more to this story I think. I'd like to hear your Mom's side, I've got a feeling that there's a lot of things that you're not telling us. I'd bet on it that you're just irresponsible. You're Mom wouldn't take something for no reason.

I definitely agree there's more to this story. I know when I was a teenager and giving an example of how my mom was out of bounds I would always leave out the stuff that made me look bad.

that's not to say that your mom isn't crazy, because I've known plenty of those. But in this situation at least, the big hole in your story makes me think that you're not being completely honest with us.

Believe it or not, you can work while in high school. 20 hours a week would a) get you enough money to move out by the time you graduate b) keep you out of the house and away from conflict with your mom.

 

[dukebound85]

Exactly.

Im actually kind of embarrassed to even respond to this kids mopping but listen: You ARE spoiled!! Suck it up you slacker and get out of bed and to school. When youre finished school, go to college or university, or get a job and move out. Then you can a.) avoid your mother and b.) pay for your own fancy gifts instead of relying on her to bring them back from France for you.

Sorry to be harsh, but Ive seen enough Undergrads driving their parent's BMW to school and living a culture of entitlement and then whining when life doesn't go their own way. Im sick of it.
EMO. Bleah!

If those are the most pressing problems you've got, I envy you.

Look: if you paid for the computer, yeah , its yours, but maybe your mother is trying to teach you a lesson so that you make it through school decently and become someone successful and happy in life. Thank says to me that she does care.

then who pays the electric bill, the internet bill etc. if i were the mom i could be like well no internet or electricity for your devices so you can have them back just cant use them haha

as for me, i have always had a great relationship with my parents. i am 22 and will be graduating this year. i currently live in an apartment with two roommates and besides health insurance (i still qualify under my parents plan), i pay for everything. Do I wish at times my parents would buy me food lol of course but at same time this is the point where you begin your own life.

now when i go home, my parents and i never argue or anything which is awesome as i do home about every other weekend for a day or so (they llive an hr away). not gonna lie, ill be sad if i get a job that takes visiting home away easily as i enjoy visiting my brothers who are all younger than me (one is 12)

as for students driving beamers and the like i know what you mean. i still consider myself very greatful for my car which is 20 years old that my parents at the time helped me buy. my goal is to keep it as a project car. how cool would it be to hold onto your first car, work on it and maybe someday let your kids use it as their first car


as far as the op, being calm, rational and clearheaded will let you get headway with talking to your mom. id start out saying sorry as its human nature to always want to be right so play to that, even if you dont truely feel that way lol

 

[Killyp]

I'd like to point out at this point that people our age have no time to 'earn a living'. When people who do earn a living are out doing just that, we're in school doing the sensible thing - working towards good grades. Heck, I work on a saturday = no social time at all. I don't even have the time necessary to go to the doctors or hospital if I needed to in my own time without taking time out of school. If I needed to get to the doctors, I'd need a consent form from my parents, and I'm 17 for goodness sakes. People often seem to think that just because when they were younger they managed to live alone by themselves at the age of 16 or whatever, that others can do it as well. Well they can't, so stop suggesting anything about 'moving out', it's completely ridiculous. I have similar issues in family (although it doesn't involve things being taken away from me). Everyone's saying some BS along the lines of 'be a man', well it's difficult to 'be a man' when you're treated like a 12 year old.

The best option for you IMO is to wait until she gives it back this time (as frustrating as it might be), but if she ever tries to take it again, stand up to her. I've had to stand up to my mum before (won't go into it), and it seems to work fine.

As for the whole encouragement thing, it's not an issue. My mum doesn't show any interest at all in anything I do (despite professionals taking a lot of interest in my music), and almost purposefully blanks out anything to do with my music. Doesn't bother me. What you should do is let friends know what you've been doing that's good, people you talk to online or whatever (I talk to most of my daily friends and other MacRumors members online) and it really helps for your encouragement. Heck add me if you want, I don't care, what's important is that you talk to friendly people and make sure you don't let your mum take over your life. She's only one person (as much as she might be close family), I've always found friends to have a far bigger impact on me than family...

 

[dukebound85]

good luck in college if you dont have a full ride and go to a school where you cant live at home and suddenly find you have to pay for things (school, rent, food) on your own AND go to school to get good grades.......

 

[mactastic]

I'd like to point out at this point that people our age have no time to 'earn a living'. When people who do earn a living are out doing just that, we're in school doing the sensible thing - working towards good grades. Heck, I work on a saturday = no social time at all. I don't even have the time necessary to go to the doctors or hospital if I needed to in my own time without taking time out of school. If I needed to get to the doctors, I'd need a consent form from my parents, and I'm 17 for goodness sakes. People often seem to think that just because when they were younger they managed to live alone by themselves at the age of 16 or whatever, that others can do it as well. Well they can't, so stop suggesting anything about 'moving out', it's completely ridiculous. I have similar issues in family (although it doesn't involve things being taken away from me). Everyone's saying some BS along the lines of 'be a man', well it's difficult to 'be a man' when you're treated like a 12 year old.

Well then if you have no time to earn a living, don't you think you'd better obey the rules of the place that is allowing you to live there until you are capable of earning a living on your own?

Many times I find that the person complaining about being treated like a 12 year old is acting like a 12 year old.

And just FYI, I don't have time to go to the doctors or the hospital without taking time off work. This isn't something that is likely to change in your life anytime soon (think retirement).

The best option for you IMO is to wait until she gives it back this time (as frustrating as it might be), but if she ever tries to take it again, stand up to her. I've had to stand up to my mum before (won't go into it), and it seems to work fine.

That would not fly with me, or with many other parents I know. You try to stand up to someone like those I know, and you will be mowed down like wet grass, no matter how "hard" you think you are. And that's not a threat at all, it's just the nature of good parenting.

As for the whole encouragement thing, it's not an issue. My mum doesn't show any interest at all in anything I do (despite professionals taking a lot of interest in my music), and almost purposefully blanks out anything to do with my music. Doesn't bother me. What you should do is let friends know what you've been doing that's good, people you talk to online or whatever (I talk to most of my daily friends and other MacRumors members online) and it really helps for your encouragement. Heck add me if you want, I don't care, what's important is that you talk to friendly people and make sure you don't let your mum take over your life. She's only one person (as much as she might be close family), I've always found friends to have a far bigger impact on me than family...

At your age I felt the same way about friends and family. Thankfully I grew up.

 

[Stampyhead]

You're 18 years old. Someday you'll look back on this and realize that these things you care so much about today don't really mean anything.

When I was 18 my parents got divorced. I stayed with my Mom, as she got the house in the divorce. I had a school project which involved building a car powered by a spring-rat-trap. She refused to let me work on it because it would make too much mess (glue, cutting, etc) that she claimed she'd have to clean up. We got into an argument about this, with my insisting that I be allowed to work on it for school. She made a comment about my cousin who had committed suicide a few weeks prior, suggesting that if I didn't like her rules I could move out to my grandma's farm and follow in his footsteps. I got so upset that I punched a hole in my bedroom door, she called the police, and I was arrested. I was let out two days later, and packed all my stuff (with the police standing there) and had to move out. Mind you, I was in highschool at the time. She allowed me to keep my car (which I paid for) but anything else (bed, clothes, etc) were hers and I couldn't take them. I only was able to pack the few possessions I owned and things I had gotten as gifts.

Now, look at the situation you explain. You overslept. You probably missed school, work, or something else because of this. In the real world, oversleeping is not an option, and you need to learn this. I am in complete agreement with your mom on this one. How about you let me know when she does something like makes fun of a friend or relative of yours who committed suicide, or doesn't let you work on a school project... I was grounded from the family computer for all but 4 days of my entire childhood, and do you want to know the reason why? Because once I didn't take off my socks before coming in the house. Yes, we were required to take off shoes and socks and put on a fresh pair of socks to avoid tracking anything in. I didn't do this once, and when confronted I said I thought the rull was b*ll-s*it. I was grounded for the rest of my life from the computer. I didn't have a TV.

You're spoiled. Suck it up, grow a pair and become a man. Learn your responsibilities and DO THEM.

And you know what else? I've been out on my own since the day I turned 18. Despite what you might think, I thank my mom for forcing me to grow up. I see my friends who are in their late 20s who still live with their parents, in the basement. I'm 25 -- I own my own house (well technically the bank does, but I make more than the minimum mortgage payment) own two cars free and clear, own numerous macs, PCs, an HDTV, loads of audio equipment, am respected and depended on at my job. Sure, I could be some loser complaining that I have to get up out of bed at a specific time. But when you are 18 and have to go to a truck shop to shower before school, it seems like there are more important things to worry about.

That's a very sad story and I'm impressed that you were able to rise above it and make something of yourself, but I don't really agree with your assertion that people who didn't go through this sort of thing are 'spoiled.' (If I misunderstood you I apologize, but that's what I got from it) All life issues are relative, and the fact that someone had a worse childhood doesn't nullify what someone else might have experienced in theirs.
I also highly disagree with those who say that children who receive praise or positive reinforcement from their parents are coddled or spoiled. Obviously you don't treat your kids like princes and princesses who can do no wrong, but they still need to be made to feel like they are doing something right (when they do something right) as they try to figure out life. Children who never receive any positive reinforcement tend to have low self esteem and feel that they can't accomplish anything. Make them follow rules and suffer the consequences if they don't, but also let them know when they are doing something right. They'll be subject to enough apathy and abuse when they venture out into the world, no need to get it at home too.

 

[plumosa]

I'd like to point out at this point that people our age have no time to 'earn a living'.

please. I'm only 25. You can't tell me that its changed that much in 7 years. I had no problems working enough to save up money to live on my own after high school. How can he expect to ever move out if he doesn't have a job? I'm not saying move out right now, but he will never have his personal freedom until he lives on his own, without his mom paying for stuff. You'd be amazed at how much that can change a relationship for the better. So start the process now with your own income.

 

[dukebound85]

I've always found friends to have a far bigger impact on me than family...

yea but more often than not, its your family that will be there for you in the end. my parents have raised me and there values have been passed to me with some exceptions like everything.

still whenever i talk about big decisions, no matter my age whether it be buying a house, car or whatever, i will always seek the advice of my parents as they are really the only ones out there in the world that look for My best interest and not their own concerning my problems.

for that i will be forever thankful

 

[mactastic]

I also highly disagree with those who say that children who receive praise or positive reinforcement from their parents are coddled or spoiled. Obviously you don't treat your kids like princes and princesses who can do no wrong, but they still need to be made to feel like they are doing something right (when they do something right) as they try to figure out life. Children who never receive any positive reinforcement tend to have low self esteem and feel that they can't accomplish anything. Make them follow rules and suffer the consequences if they don't, but also let them know when they are doing something right. They'll be subject to enough apathy and abuse when they venture out into the world, no need to get it at home too.

I'm discovering that raising kids and raising dogs have many aspects in common. Praise is a very effective motivator, and turning your back and ignoring either one sends a powerful message as well.

 

[dukebound85]

I'm discovering that raising kids and raising dogs have many aspects in common. Praise is a very effective motivator, and turning your back and ignoring either one sends a powerful message as well.

i bet. unfortunaltely everyone has to learn things as they go. i wish i could implant wisdom in my head....like the matrix or something

 

[Stampyhead]

I'm discovering that raising kids and raising dogs have many aspects in common. Praise is a very effective motivator, and turning your back and ignoring either one sends a powerful message as well.

Very good point. I guess one aspect of good parenting is knowing which one will be the most effective in any given situation.

 

[Rodimus Prime]

please. I'm only 25. You can't tell me that its changed that much in 7 years. I had no problems working enough to save up money to live on my own after high school. How can he expect to ever move out if he doesn't have a job? I'm not saying move out right now, but he will never have his personal freedom until he lives on his own, without his mom paying for stuff. You'd be amazed at how much that can change a relationship for the better. So start the process now with your own income.

Yeah and the question is what type of hell of a life did you have. If you where getting a college degree that would be pretty hard to deal with. If you lack a college degree then it is possible but you lack the degree.

I think it sad how people like you think because you had it so rough everyone should have it that way.

Plus people like you seem to think losers are people who still live on their parents dime. I am 24 and yes my parents still are paying for everything it not because I am a loser but because I am a full time student who gets his degree come this christmas.

My definention of loser is some one who not trying to better themselves. If some one still lives off there parents dime in there mid 20's but it lets say working towards (and making progress) to a degree they are fine. I living off my parents though the end of the year when I make a real pay check. I know just how much time school eats up for me how hard it would be to work any job enough hours ot live on. I hardly have enough time just to deal with my school work load much less having to work.

 

[BadlyDrawnGirl]

I have a hunch that the reason behind the OP's mother confiscating his electronic goodies is because they are in some way interfering with his schoolwork, which makes his mother's actions totally valid. Also, dude - at 18 you are really old enough to get yourself out of bed on time. So buy yourself an alarm clock and get on the ball.

But holy crap, the amount of vitriol being slung around here is pretty surprising...come on guys, making statements like having "little respect for most high school students" (um, there are plenty of high school-age kids in the world who work damn hard) doesn't make you sound worldly and mature, it makes you sound bitter and twisted. How many people here WEREN'T selfish in some way when they were 18? If you weren't still living with your parents - and (don't get me wrong) kudos to those who were striking out on their own before then - and being "selfish" in that respect, then you were probably inadvertently treating your girlfriend like crap because you'd never been in a long-term relationship before, or slacking off at work because you were still struggling with your nascent career aspirations, or doing something else which was obnoxious and construed by your elders as "selfish." Contrary to what you might like to believe, none of you were perfect 18-year-olds. If, through some quixotic lapse in reality, you WERE...please, raise your hand, and I'll nominate you for sainthood.

The OP will probably sulk and moan for another year or so, then get kicked in the ass by the steel-capped boot of reality, get his act together, and eventually look back when he's 25 and realize what a dumbass he was when he was a teenager. We all go through it.

 

[rdowns]

I have a hunch that the reason behind the OP's mother confiscating his electronic goodies is because they are in some way interfering with his schoolwork, which makes his mother's actions totally valid. Also, dude - at 18 you are really old enough to get yourself out of bed on time. So buy yourself an alarm clock and get on the ball.

But holy crap, the amount of vitriol being slung around here is pretty surprising...come on guys, making statements like having "little respect for most high school students" (um, there are plenty of high school-age kids in the world who work damn hard) doesn't make you sound worldly and mature, it makes you sound bitter and twisted. How many people here WEREN'T selfish in some way when they were 18? If you weren't still living with your parents - and (don't get me wrong) kudos to those who were striking out on their own before then - and being "selfish" in that respect, then you were probably inadvertently treating your girlfriend like crap because you'd never been in a long-term relationship before, or slacking off at work because you were still struggling with your nascent career aspirations, or doing something else which was obnoxious and construed by your elders as "selfish." Contrary to what you might like to believe, none of you were perfect 18-year-olds. If, through some quixotic lapse in reality, you WERE...please, raise your hand, and I'll nominate you for sainthood.

The OP will probably sulk and moan for another year or so, then get kicked in the ass by the steel-capped boot of reality, get his act together, and eventually look back when he's 25 and realize what a dumbass he was when he was a teenager. We all go through it.

While I think the OP needs a swift kick in his ass, the post above should end this thread. Well said BadlyDrawnGirl