You think I was too harsh?

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by SlasherDuff, Feb 10, 2009.

  1. SlasherDuff macrumors 6502a


    Apr 7, 2008
    Gator Country
    Me and my husband have these friends, let's call them, "Tina" and "Matt"

    Tina, and her husband, Matt are the sloppiest of people, and they don't really care how they live, or what kind of life they live with heir kids. Matt works all day, and Tina stays home with the kids. All of the day she would veg out at the computer, and yell at her kids. She hardly exercises, and hardly eats. If she does eat, it's large bags of candy from Sam's Club, or other junk. So yeah she is overweight. She calls my husband to complain about how much her life sucks, and how much she wishes to lose weight, and other things. Yet she continues to live in that same pattern, and she has this "I don't give a spit" attitude about herself. I dread going to their place, because of how disgusting it is. They let their youngest daughter pee all over the furniture, they have a lot of animals they really don't take care of, and the house itself is nasty, with piles of dirty dishes all over the table, countertops, and anywhere else in the house. Dirty cloths cover the floors, along with dirt and dog feces. I feel like I have to soak myself in bleach to get myself clean once I come home.

    Yesterday, Tina called us, saying that she had chest pains and shortness of breath. She asked if hubby could come over and watch the kids, at the same time, she was pining for my sympathy. I came back with a "You don't need to sleep off whatever you have, you need to get your butt to a hospital". After that, possibly change your habits." She came back saying 'I hope you realize that my mother has heart problems" I said back, "And so this is the perfect time to start giving a spit about yourself, Get yourself to a doctor." She started to cry, and hung up. I told hubby what happened and he called he back. She must have told him that I was out to draw blood, and he told her in the end that he was going to "Deal with me" Which in the end he agreed that I had to say what I needed to say to her. Matt was at work, he had to be present at a mandatory meeting. So calling him out would have been useless. So she called hubby to help her watch the kids while she "Slept it off" I swear I could have slapped her.

    After hubby came home, he said he had a lengthy discussion with Matt, concerning Tina and her health. He said that he would be a better boost and motivator for her to get her health, and her life back into shape.

    So after all of this is said and done, Tina think I was being a bit harsh to her, that maybe I thought of it as being a little more than just being a minor complication. "Chest pain" and "shortness of breath" rang bells to me, since my family has a long history of heart problems. One cannot sleep it off, that needs prompt care. I was direct with her, since she was again pining me for sympathy, that she was in pain, she expected me to say, "Awww you poor thing you, I'll send my husband right away" when I know for a fact that she did this to herself, and deserves no sympathy what so ever.

    So , was I harsh? Or did I give her much deserved cummuffance?

    Sorry this was long
  2. EricNau Moderator emeritus


    Apr 27, 2005
    San Francisco, CA
    I think you acted very appropriately. Had I been in your position I probably would have driven over to her house and taken her to the hospital, whether she wanted to go or not.
  3. NT1440 macrumors G4


    May 18, 2008
  4. H$R macrumors 6502


    Apr 1, 2008
    No I think it was alright. At least I would have said something similar. I tend to be pretty direct, but I just don't like lying at people. And most people know that they do something wrong, they just don't want to admit it to themselves.

    Bitter truth is better than sweet lies...

    She better should change something about her life (and their children's!)

    I bet when she's really been changing (assuming she takes it serious; maybe a doctor will give her some motivation) in the future, she might will get back to you to say thank you for changing her mind. Hopefully.
  5. r1ch4rd macrumors 6502a


    Aug 5, 2005
    Manchester UK
    I don't think you were harsh. Hopefully, in the same situation I would say the same things. You said what you believed and it sounds like solid advice to me.
  6. SlasherDuff thread starter macrumors 6502a


    Apr 7, 2008
    Gator Country
    I sort of thought I wasn't being harsh until I asked my husband about it later. Possibly that was a bad idea in itself. He basically said that it was sound advice, but "poorly delivered"

    And about their kid peeing all over the house, they seem to have a system about the kids being in diapers. They let them "air dry" so they don't develop rashes. I don't agree with this method, but who am I to tell them how to raise their kids.

    I guess if the roles were reversed, in the moment I would have been hurt, but in the end, it would have been better for me to hear the words in the long run. So that is where I stand. I am just glad that I am not looked at as a person who intentionally likes to hurt others feelings.
  7. jemeinc macrumors 6502a

    Feb 14, 2004
    South Jersey
    Is it possible to be too hash to someone that let's their children pee all over the furniture?
  8. Consultant macrumors G5


    Jun 27, 2007
    First paragraph:
    I would contact child protection services.

    The rest of it:
    Not harsh in my standards. Depends on who I talk to, some people will listen and understand,
    others that are narrow minded will be offended.
  9. trule macrumors 6502

    Mar 16, 2007
    I have a friend who has trouble saving money. He and his wife earn good money. He complains about it most of the time, wants to buy a house and needs a deposit.

    So I tell him he should save and how to do it....then he goes and spends several months pay on a water bed and then the same again on freezing umbilical fluids from his new baby just incase she gets sick and then is a cure invented in the next 18 years (ie first the baby has to get sick, then a cure that uses the umbilical fluids has to be invented for that sickness - more chance that he will run over the kid in his car....).

    Point being, this guy blows cash on stuff that is dubious at best using decision making that is not at all rational, so he will never get savings together for a house.

    But its not my problem.

    He is large, admits he needs to exercise, never does anything. I say lets go for a bike ride some time....nope, and then he breaths down a few 100 grams of chocolate.

    But its not my problem.

    Ultimately if your friend has chest pain and a family history of heart problems then she should be able to figure it out, nobody can be that stupid. If she does not have the motivation to get help then I say let Darwin do his work and step out of the way...or if you want to help, just offer to take her to a doctor or call an ambulance. Tell her to call back if the pain gets worse and offer to check up on her in the evening etc..

    Some people don't want to be helped, I respect that, and some people can't be helped, thats life.
  10. SlasherDuff thread starter macrumors 6502a


    Apr 7, 2008
    Gator Country
    I don't want to have to jump to conclusions, since the kids seem not to have signs of abuse or neglect . Just the living arrangements are dirty. Although I have noticed the last time I visited there, most of the dogs and cats were gone, and a lot of the house was clean. That could be due to the fact that they are in the market looking for a house as of now. Other than that, thanks.
  11. heehee macrumors 68020


    Jul 31, 2006
    Same country as Santa Claus
  12. Iscariot macrumors 68030


    Aug 16, 2007
    We're often too harsh to or about people who are overweight and out of shape. I can be one of the worst ones. But being overweight and out of shape are as much emotionally crippling as they are physically crippling. Being constantly judged leads to feelings of depression and embarrassment, which certainly are not motivating.

    Getting into shape, losing weight and exercising can be paralyzingly complicated. Stores are full of foods labeled with omega-this, low-that, carb-free doodads and pills, shakes, vitamins and powders that re-balance, cut, stimulate or absorb this or that. Exercise equipment is needlessly complex, fitness magazines rife with ads for supplements and machines, and gyms full of people looking to sell you anything but better health. It's profoundly confusing, debilitating and embarrassing.

    It's not like you get a decent understanding of nutrition or phys ed at school, so it really shouldn't be surprising that the nation is in a state of such ill health.
  13. toolbox macrumors 68020


    Oct 6, 2007
    Australia (WA)
    True, if you have chest pains and shortness of breath you don't sit around complaining you get your self to a doctor.
  14. skunk macrumors G4


    Jun 29, 2002
    Republic of Ukistan
    True, if you have chest pains and shortness of breath you don't sit around complaining, you ask someone to come round and physically assault you.
  15. Rt&Dzine macrumors 6502a


    Oct 8, 2008
    You're not just whistling Dixie! And most doctors don't have an understanding of nutrition either. If the house is that filthy and unkept she may have depression.
  16. LeahM macrumors 6502a


    Mar 18, 2008
    I would have just told her that if she didn't go then I would call the ambulance. But I think afterwards would have been more appropriate to tell her that she's a slob.
  17. Schtumple macrumors 601


    Jun 13, 2007
    That! If you do anything, do that! Good god.
  18. Abstract macrumors Penryn


    Dec 27, 2002
    Location Location Location
    I think you were harsh, but that's not to imply that you did the wrong thing.

    Sometimes you need to be harsh.
  19. rpaloalto macrumors 6502a


    Sep 19, 2005
    Palo Alto CA.
    Not harsh enough!
    Why is she asking for your Husband to come to her house? To babysit for her while her Husband is away? Sounds suspicious to me.:eek:
  20. marbles macrumors 68000


    Apr 30, 2008
    EU mostly
    No .
    I'd have phoned an ambulance, said nothing till I saw the person later on, told them what they need to know!,then walked out and not have any contact with those folks again, unless they cleaned up,......... or are related in which case I'd have them cleaned up.

    Some people are just like that but the children don't need to be subjected to all that, they have a chance.....

    I agree with the other guys comments regarding child protection.

    If the house is as you say I'd call the social services the first time I saw anything remotely like that, not fair to let kids suffer in a house full of dog **** an piss.

    that does sound suspicious...why is your hubby going over, where is her hubby while this is going on?
  21. Keebler macrumors 68030

    Jun 20, 2005
    if you didn't care, you wouldn't have been harsh or to the point.

    friends need to remind friends when they're doing something wrong or ill-advised.

    i cringed, double-cringed, triple-cringed, then shook my head reading your post.

    I would also tell her the next time, there are 2 types of ppl in this world,

    doers and complainers. if she truly wants to change, she needs to stop being the latter and be a doer.

    the catch down the line is that you probably have a thin line going forward b/c you feel you were harsh (but you weren't) and she perceives you to be harsh so her back will be up at the slightest comment.

    Just tell her you care about her and if you didn't, you wouldn't say anything and just leave her to have a heart attack and leave her kids without a mom.

    good luck,
  22. eldy macrumors 6502

    Jan 30, 2009
    The City
    Why are you even friends with them? Terminate the relationship.
  23. rjgonzales macrumors regular

    Mar 14, 2006
    I don't understand why they are your friends.:confused:
  24. SlasherDuff thread starter macrumors 6502a


    Apr 7, 2008
    Gator Country
    I tolerate her because she's more of my husband's friend than mine. I do care enough for her to a point to where I don't want her kicking the bucket, and leaving her kids behind. Even if she is a total slob, the kids do need a mother.

    I was beginning to suspect that as well. Maybe she needs more than a doctor, and a membership at the local gym.

    Almost makes me wish I had a car, and a driver's license, so I could just go there, pick her up, and drag her to the gym. Possibly I could be a motivator for her to get off her butt more. The only drawback is they live forty five minutes away from us, which would have made it harder for us to respond if there were any real emergency.

    Keebler, thank you for the kind words
  25. Keniff macrumors 6502a


    Dec 21, 2008
    United Kingdom
    It looks like this to me:

    She moans about her life, calls you and you send your husband over.

    They get it on, and comes home!

    A few day's later, she calls you again and so on...


Share This Page